A novel on the final days of the adoption and the first days of together.

I started writing this post in my notes late at night 10 days and 15 hours after we touched down in PAP and it took me nearly 3 months to gather my thoughts enough to write anything here and another few attempts before I tabled it again. 

Now it's Jan. 9 and I'm trying again. I feel compelled to write something. To document it in some way. My Grandma Koller passed this morning and I'm sitting in Estes by the kindness of Jake and Erin. The weight of this story and the past 8 months were getting too heavy. So I stepped away. Stepped away to breath. To think. To let it be. 

So here it is. Or at least as much as I can gather my thoughts to share at this point. 

I could write out the steps it took to get to them in those final days in May, but its bureaucracy. All the right people needed all the right signatures and papers. Letters and doctors and documents and passports. I didn't know how to sparse out the details from the heavy emotions they carried.  I still don't. Things happened, feelings were felt and at the end of it, we walked out the doors of the Port au Prince airport into quick, hurried hugs and our lives changed forever. 8 months later, I'm still floored by that reality. 

To finally, (and when I say finally, the weight of a decade sits in that word), bring our children to their new home; a home that has been waiting for them to exist in, to lounge and laugh in, to be bored and happy and sad in, too be loved in and feel both foreign and at home in, to BE whatever they are in, the years of waiting just drifted away. In that moment, the 8 plus years didn't matter anymore. Only the NOW mattered. The lost time became a fleeting thought and not a dominating feeling. We could now hold them, talk to them, walk with them and know this was it. Together, finally.  

So much happened so quickly that it has taken me some time to release some of the emotions of it all. To let it all just be. Let it be good and hard and happy and sad. All at once. The sadness is deep. The happiness holy. The sadness that still creeps in about in the years lost with them over a painful, long process and in the loss of all they have known. The happiness in the wholeness despite the brokenness of it all. They have known of family and love and support and care and fear and hunger and loss of which we were not a part of. They know of joy and kindness and treachery and danger of which we will never fully understand. And yet, we're here. 

A few things I know for certain that I want to express here because we've heard it all over the years and months: We did not rescue them or save them. We did not "do a good thing" or take them away from a terrible life. We did not do anything but love them as our own and fight for their safety and future, as anyone would do for their children. That is adoption. It is not "goodness", it is loving as one loves. Without regard for biological lines or a need to have one look like you. It is knowing one as your own and letting go of what anyone else deems as right or true about family. It has no time or space for "goodness." Goodness is a made up notion that holds no endurance. Anyone can be good in a moment. Love has endurance. And we learned and are still learning some deep lessons about endurance these past years and months. We have heard over the years a range of disbelief or awe about the adoption. "Such good people", "so good that you could give them a better life", "I could never...", "I couldn't have..."  But I see people doing hard things all the time. They endure, persevere and this is no different. And all that is not why we adopted. I don't know how else to explain it. The details are complex, but the reality is simple. They are our children. That's why we adopted them. 

The final days before we touched down in PAP were intense. The 3 weeks prior were devastating as we realized they needed a covid vaccine which honestly right now feels ludicrous, but it was policy. Despite our best efforts to get waivers, nothing worked and so we waited. To be held up at the finish line had it's own cruelty for us all. The gang violence got increasingly closer to them as the days went on and the level of fear I had that something would happen to them; a stray bullet, kidnapping, starving, was intense. I hated it. The Monday before we actually went to get them they had to flee their home because the gang fighting was on their street. They ran in the early hours of the morning with the housekeeper, Sy, the clothes they had on and the scrapbook we had made for them. They made it safely to newly relocated orphanage. The children had to be moved because the gangs have taken over their previous neighborhood. Ritha and Nickson have yet to really talk about that night and morning. We don't know many details or their firsthand narrative. We've seen evidence of fear in their lives by some behaviors. That we couldn't protect them from these things still haunts me. That they were protected through it all is a miracle. 

That 3rd week of May, we knew we were close. Close enough to start our travel without actually knowing what day we could fly in and hopefully directly out of PAP.  We decided to fly to Ang's on Wednesday with a plan to stay there until we could fly out. At that point we thought maybe Friday or Saturday but no confirmation. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully express what that one night with her did for me. I am fortunate beyond measure with sisters and friends who anchor my soul in so many ways. Ang cared for us and drove us to Fort Lauderdale the next day and was such a sure, solid place to be when nothing felt certain or predictable. We started our drive to FLL Thursday again not knowing what day we'd actually fly into Haiti. On the way there, things started falling into place travel wise. Saturday was our day. We spent two nights in FLL and they were a blur. I don't recall much of anything. Sick with anticipation, but trying somehow to be present and enjoy those days. 

Saturday dawned and we got on the plane. Landing in Haiti felt so emotional. For obvious reasons, but also because I didn't know when I'd ever fly in again. The imagery of that landing is so ingrained in me. I had spent a decade traveling and loving this country and I don't know if I'll ever get to go back. It raised my children. It holds so many people I love. It's wrought with tragedy and loss and beauty and memories of which I'll treasure forever. And our children. This was it. They were leaving everything they had ever known. It was emotional to touch down. 

Once we got through immigration and to the exit, we waited by the door, impatiently scanning the crowd outside for them. They walked up with Kettia and their driver under the covered walkway and with hurried hugs and hellos, we rushed to the departure side by walking through the parking lot. Some of Ritha and Nickson's relatives were there too. We entered the departure terminal and we took pictures and they said goodbyes. I believe two aunts and a cousin were there. I didn't know what I should say if anything. It felt too loaded and complicated to explain. We then headed for Covid testing. We had a contingency plan if one of them tested positive, but didn't need it. Then it was inside to say goodbye to Kettia and walk through security. Kettia is the manager of the orphanage and very close with Ritha and Nickson. She is Josie's hands and feet in country and takes care of all the logistics for all the children. She is amazing. 

We made it through security and bought a few things in the store and headed upstairs to the gates. We had HOURS before our flight took off, but we needed the buffer in case anything went wrong.  Being able to communicate was so very limited. Looking back, it was so hard, but we didn't know any different. I didn't even know what to ask or talk about it. I was almost holding my breath. We ordered food, hung out and after what seemed like forever they called our flight. 

We had some interesting encounters while we waited with a mission team that were both kind and comical and maybe a little annoying. We also visited with a Haitian family that lived in TX and Kansas City. Finally we boarded. I sat with Nickson and Chad with Ritha. Call it instinct, but it seemed our emotional needs matched up at the time. Nickson was scared and Ritha was stoic. I'll never forget Nickson putting his little face in my arm as we took off and looking over at Ritha staring out the window wondering what she must be thinking. Holding Nickson and holding back tears as I let the enormity of the moment take shape. The joy of it felt like sadness. I was so sad for taking them away from their home. I was so happy and relieved to get them out of Haiti safely.

We landed in Miami and had a long wait in immigration, but after that and a bus ride to the hotel, we settled in. A friend had gotten us a nice suite and the kids thought it was awesome! We ordered food from a Haitian place and called Josie to let her know we had made it.  We realized at PAP that the kids had nothing except the clothes they were wearing and the scrapbook. I took an Uber to a Target to see what I could get to make it home. It was the strangest little Target with mini departments of each and I couldn't hardly find anything. A tshirt and underwear for Ritha and a package of white tees and underwear for Nickson was all I could find. 

The next day we made our way to the beach. They had never seen the ocean. We walked a bit and sat a bit and drew in the sand. Talking was still hard. Nickson knew no English and we only spoke what we needed to at that point. We took a car to the airport from there and spent a few hours before our flight took off for Houston. It was so cold in the airport, I bought a blanket and Nickson and I curled up together on and off. Ritha used my phone to play music and introduced me to some of her favorites again.  We were delayed out of Miami and then late getting into Houston. Our connection was tight. Too tight. Despite me running with Nickson through the airport they closed the gate 5 minutes before we got there. I had made it all day without tears and that was it, I just stood there and cried. I so badly wanted us to be home. I was so tired. And so badly wanted all the kids to be together. Nickson held my hand as I cried. Chad and Ritha came up and Chad assured me it would be ok. We'd make it home that night, just later than planned. We let the other kids know since they were planning on meeting us in Wichita. We ate, bought some cards and played games and sat around. Nickson wasn't feeling well so he was curled up on my lap for quite some time. I breathed him in so deeply grateful. 

FINALLY, last flight. It wasn't long and we got off the plane and headed towards the exit. We knew the other kids were there and this moment is what has lived in my dreams for years. It was as beautiful as I could have dreamed. We walked out and were engulfed in each other. Together. Finally. We didn't have any idea what would follow that moment, but it didn't matter. We'd do it together. Finally. 

Saturday/Sunday

This was in many ways the best day and the worst day of the week.  It was our final full day in Haiti and I journaled that day that I hated even writing that let alone living it.  Knowing we were leaving so soon left us clinging to each moment.

The kids went to school that morning so Chad and I had a slow morning again finishing the puzzle we had started that week before going down for breakfast.  Even those moments we just settled in to.  It was more time together one on one that we had spent together in probably 20 years. We both really enjoyed it.  We had a mango which are the absolute best in Haiti. Then Syl had us come outside and showed us how she was making chakas(sp?) which is a boiled plantain and made into a soup like consistency.  It was served warm with bread and it was quite good. I was not feeling very well this morning and my burn had taken on a bright, red infected look so after I did an aloe treatment, I slathered with antibiotic ointment and laid down.  Nickson was the only one home this morning so he and Chad spent time together doing a puzzle while I rested.  Once I got up, the girls were home and then the real fun started!  Dania and I worked on a puzzle while Amessanitha and Chad worked on one.  It turned into a bit of a race which was kinda fun.  

Syl was making our manba so we helped sort peanuts.  Originally, we didn't know what she was working on and the peanuts were red and looked like beans so I thought we were helping with dinner prep.  After we crushed them, we realized what we were helping with!  The whole process was awesome.  We sorted out the bad ones, Syl roasted them, we crushed them, Syl flipped them in a big basket so the layers would fly away, we sorted them again and then she took them to be cooked down.  Chad was helping too which she thought was quite funny since I don't think men generally help in the kitchen!  The kids were all helping with it all too and we just all spent those hours together working.  I loved it.

She also showed us how she was making jou mou soup, which is the traditional Independence Day soup in Haiti.   It was so delicious!  Maybe my favorite thing all week!  Cremas was also getting made at this time which required Syl to crack coconuts, the kids pulled the meat from the shell, and then they spent HOURS shredding it!  Josie and the boys got home around this time and helped.
  Once the shredding was done, Josie took the meat of it and put it into a cloth and squeezed the milk out!.  Then sugar, evaporated milk, sweetened condensed mil, 95% alcohol(which Josie had checked to make sure didn't have ethanol in it!) and lime juice and zest were added to the bucket!  Stir, taste, stir, taste.  All without modern conveniences like a can opener, or mixer or anything!  We were able to get the manba and cremas home to share with people!

That evening, we decided to go see our friend, Jacky, for a little bit.  She is one of Josie's closest friends and has been so supportive of the orphanage and Josie over the years.  She didn't live far away and we wanted to just go say  hi.  As we were getting ready to leave, Amessanitha asked how long we would be gone.  I immediately questioned if we should go.  It was a swirl of emotions and if I could do it over, I don't know that I would have gone.  As we drove away, I was feeling just enormous guilt. It was a moment looking back that I think I felt an instinct and went against that instinct.  Nothing happened. It wasn't an awful decision, but it wasn't one I would make again.  We were gone about an hour and it was nice to see Jacky and visit, but we should have stayed back with the kids.

Once we got back, we asked Josie to translate for us so we could talk to the kids about our leaving the next day.  We didn't want to say big goodbyes at church or the airport.  It was a gut-wrenching conversation.  We told them we had to leave the next day.  We told them we loved them before, but this week with them just made us love them even more.  Amessanitha was completely dejected, with head down, tears streaming.  We spent the next 45 minutes on the couch, close, hugging as we both cried.  I used an app to communicate words some.  The emotions didn't need any app.  We all felt it.  The sadness and grief in saying goodbye.  It's still hard to talk about even today.    We talked about maybe when we could come back. When we thought we would come get them for good. We told her we wanted her to be happy and enjoy school.  That we loved her so much.  Nickson reacted a little differently and how we expected.  He understands whats going on, but I don't think has had the years of understanding and anticipating that Amessanitha has had.  He was concerned about her and how upset she was.  He and Chad played Jenga and games on his phone while Amessanitha and I cried and talked.  After awhile, I asked her if she was ok and if she was ready to go to sleep for the night.  She said yes and walked over to Josie in tears.  I sat back and watched in awe with still more tears.  They have such a beautiful relationship.  I cried for Josie then.  I have so many thoughts and feelings there for them.  I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to express them.

We had devotions and good nights. More tears and hugs.  I was so overwhelmed with how traumatic this all for for everyone.  I hated this part.  Who leaves their kids? They are our children and the next day, we would just board a plane, not knowing when we would return.  I really struggled with that.


Sunday we woke up, got ready for church and headed out.  We stayed close to the kids all morning.  As soon as church was over, the kids, Josie and Chad and I got into the truck and headed to the airport.  Josie had A and N come into the airport with us while we checked our bags and she parked.  It was brilliant on her part.  They had never been in the airport before and the next time they probably would be is when we come get them for good.  Now at least they have seen a little of that first process.  We walked to security and again said our goodbyes quietly.  Tight hugs and promises to video call each week.

Our flight ended up being delayed a few hours out which was frustrating since we could have been with them longer.  At that point, we both felt I think that we wanted to get home and hurry up the next part.

Home again, next...

Friday

This day came with much expectation and a little bit of nerves.  We had our appointment with IBESR, the Haitian Immigration office, set for 10:00am.  We didn't really know what to expect from the appointment as far as what they would ask us.
The day started early at 530 with a cold shower, our dress clothes, coffee and kids getting ready for school.  We had to leave early because Josie had to drop her boys off at school on our way and the area around the IBESR office has terrible traffic.  We loaded up in the truck with the boys and a crew of neighborhood tag alongs in the back.  We talked about that a bit.  In the US, giving someone a ride that you see walking, is not common and often considered dangerous.  Although back in the day so hitch hiking, not as much.  In Haiti, they don't understand why you wouldn't ask someone from your neighborhood if they needed a ride.  Josie leaves for a particular part of PAP at this time all week, so if anyone needs to get to that area, they just hop in the back.  I love the kindness of it all.
We took a long, winding drive to drop the boys off at school and then on to IBESR.
Josie, always knowing the right thing to do, had us to the offices just after 8 when it's suppose to open.  The office itself was terribly run down, as is much of that area around the old palace.  We go in and up a few flights of stairs to a waiting area outside some offices. Roby was along as our translator and Amessanitha and Nickson would also be going into the interview with us.  Everyone was dressed so nicely!  I was anxious, but not nervous.  We have said and will say how important Roby has been in this whole process.  His kindness and love towards us and the kids has been such a gift.  I can't imagine going into that interview with a translator that didn't know us.  He put my heart at ease.

We didn't have to wait too long and were called back around 9:15 to the social worker's office.  I don't remember his name, but he had a really gentle vibe.  Not overly serious or harsh.  Just kind. The AC was running high in his office and it was quite chilly.  At one point, Amessanitha asked to turn it down because she was cold.

The interview itself was a bit of a blur.  All in French and Roby was just magic.  I don't know what he said, but I can't tell you how safe we felt with him translating what we said to the social worker.  We just knew that Roby knew us and knew our heart and would articulate that.  He asked us about our relationship, how we are as parents, asked us about each other's parenting styles, how we are as friends and family.  He asked about our bio kids and what they thought.  So many questions about how we felt at each stage of the process. Lots of how did you feel, which is totally my jam :-)  He explained it like if we were pregnant and the stages and I loved that bc I have told people just that.  It's like the longest pregnancy ever!

Chad was awesome.  I think together we were able to express how much this means to us and how much a part of our family they already are.  We didn't have to discuss knowing them all these years since he didn't bring it up.  We just kind avoided it.

He also asked the kids what they thought and if they understood.  At the end, he asked if we were satisfied and wanted to proceed.  We said, yes, as I choked back tears.  He said as far as they are concerned, Amessanitha and Nickson, are our children.  We can visit them, talk to them, anything.
Amessanitha asked why we were only able to stay one week and then how much longer before they can come back with us. He said 6-12 more months and no one liked that answer.

He then asked Josie to come back after we left the office.  I got a little nervous about how much he would ask about our relationship. She came out and said it was all ok.  He had asked about us and the children and if she had any doubts about the match.  She had none.

Then we ran some errands and spent the day together.  It was my favorite day. We stopped for a meal at a cafe next to the supermarket and had pizza and sandwiches.  We went through the supermarket and picked up some coffee and tea and limonade to take home for the boys.  Something seemed to shift with us and the kids after the meeting.  They were less shy, more engaging. They had heard everything we had said and were asked so maybe it became more real for them too.  That we had wanted them and loved them so much all this time.
We went and picked up Josie's boys from school and headed home. Once we made it back, Chad and I went to changed and I let myself cry into his shoulder for a bit. It was such a big moment and I needed to feel it.  I don't know if I can ever fully explain how much they have always felt like ours, but this pushed that even farther.  Someone else said they are ours also.  Someone else knows them as our children.  They are our children.  Now we just need the countries to let us be together.

We rested a bit while the kids did homework, then dinner, rest again, bible study and they finished up their homework.  So much homework.  Because of the shut down of schools at the beginning of the year, the kids were now going to school on Saturdays to make up for it.  WE did play Jenga and Uno and I played some farkle with Dania.  We gave the kids and Syl their gifts of chocolate and the soccer ball also that night.  Sweet Josie was so worn out, she fell asleep on the cot and we played til about 940.  We told everyone to head to bed at that point and felt rather parental :-) Nickson was watching a show on the laptop and we had to tell him no more. It was maybe the first time that week that we established ourselves as parents.  It was an odd dynamic.

This day was meaningful and deep for another reason.  Leonard was shot that day 3 years prior.  Roby and I spoke of him often that week and that day in particular.  He will sit heavy in all my Haiti memories.  He did this trip in particular.  He would have been so happy for us.

All these layers and days and emotions are hard to process sometimes. I'm 2 months out from this day and just now writing about it.  I carry with me every day the pain of separation and anticipation.  It never goes away.

Our last full day in Haiti coming up...

Thursday

We woke up to a message from Roby that he had found us a hotel with a pool to hang out at today!  We had been talking about it most of the week just so we could get out a bit.  He asked if we were ok taking a moto and we said, of course.
Now if you don't know, taking a motorcycle in Haiti is common place for Haitians, but there are some who refuse to take one because of how dangerous they are.  On one of our very first trips to Haiti, we came across someone doing a piece for a television show about the most dangerous places to drive in the world and he was in Port au Prince...So, although we knew this, we also knew Roby wouldn't put us in danger and we trusted him.
After a quick breakfast of cow lung and plantains, we got ready to go.  Roby came with a driver from up by his parents' home and trusted him to take us.  We hopped on the back and started up Josie's road.  Roby was walking behind us and would get on another moto up the road.  We stopped just before the main road and our driver hollered at another driver and he went and picked Roby up.  We were then off on what was one of the most exhilarating 30+ minutes of my life. We zipped in and out of traffic, came to complete stops in a pack of motorcycles, weaved our way in between "lanes" of vehicles, witnessed a small fender bender within arms reach, got pulled over by police to check our drivers credentials and eventually made our way into Petionville.  Roby had scoped out several places that morning and this hotel had good security and was off the road a bit.
We pulled up along the curb and I proceeded to step off and let my leg hit the exhaust which was HOT! I moved it quickly, but not before I knew it was going to be a pretty substantial burn.  Roby and his driver discussed when to come back and get us and we walked into the hotel property.  It was STUNNING!  Pristine white, gorgeous greenery and landscaping, and a beautiful pool.  We found our way to the restaurant on site where we paid for the lunch buffet that would also allow us access to the pool.  For $22/person we lounged for the day by the pool and had an INCREDIBLE buffet of Haitian food.  The burn on my leg didn't hurt, but I knew it would eventually.  I showed Roby and we found some cold water/paper towels to keep on it throughout the day.  The lunch buffet was perfect and Roby got his picture taken with a famous Haitian musician who was also there.  This was definitely a place that I felt underdressed!  Next time, I'll bring some nicer clothes to change in to!
About mid-morning, Josie called wondering where we were!  I had sent her a text letting her know, but she hadn't gotten it because she only has wifi at home.  She had called to the house and Syl had said we weren't there so she came home so she could call us.  I told her we were at a hotel and she asked how we got there.  When I said moto, she said, "Oh no!" and then asked to talk to Roby.  It was all ok, but she didn't love that we took one so she said she would pick us up in the afternoon so we didn't ride one back.  The day was relaxing and a perfect way to enjoy some down time outside the house.

Wednesday

Did you EVER think I was going to finish this story??

Good grief. These days are not slowing down.  They are full and fulfilling, but this story needs to be finished so someday we can let them read this and have them fill us in on their perspectives and stories during this time.  Ours is just part of the story...

Wednesday started much like Monday and Tuesday. Slow and relaxed.  Today though we knew Josie would be coming back mid-morning to take us to Amessanitha and Dania's school to give a "presentation."  Josie had asked us to talk about United States culture to the 7th and 8th grade classes.  The US being as it is, doing a single cultural presentation, isn't possible.  We, the land of multitudes. So we decided to do Kansas culture, which had us looking for things to share about this state we have called home.  We decided to talk about agriculture, industries, school systems and extra curricular activities.  Without a real game plan, we figured we'd just talk and then let them ask questions!
We woke up that morning having slept probably the best we had so far.  I don't know if it was a quieter evening or we had just acclimated to the sounds.  Both of our bodies just hurt though.  Mostly joint pain and we didn't really know why except we had hardly moved for a week and our diet was pretty carb heavy each day.  Speaking of the food...Josie and Sylvania were giving us EVERY GOOD THING!  It was just awesome.  I think we ate every authentic, traditional Haitian food that was.

Josie came back around 1030 and we were off to Margaret's school up the road.  I had no idea that Margaret Bernard(Thomas's) wife had started this school 18 years ago! When Josie said she worked at Margaret's school, I just assumed that was the school associated with the church. Josie works at the 7/8th grade supervisor and we went to speak with the 8th grade class first.  We shared a few things and then let them ask questions.  It was great!  Lots of good questions.  We then went to the 7th grade class, which is Amessanitha's class!  We gave our little talk and then the questions started and it was so fun!  We told them we were married almost 20 years much to their surprise.  One of the girls asked in creole if we had ever thought about divorce in all those years. HA!  We all laughed!  The look on everyone else's faces were so  great.  Once we were done, their next class was English and the teacher wasn't there yet so they asked if we could teach them.  We were not prepared to do that, but just had them introduce themselves in English, did some vocab of colors and seasons and then did nouns around the room. So fun!  We then took a tour of all the classrooms and went back to the office and chatted with Margaret for awhile.  Amazing what she has done over 18 years!  She started with 1 student the first year, 2 the 2nd year and then added from there!  It's a "middle class" school so all the parents pay for tuition and uniforms, etc.
We headed back to the house, had a late lunch of fried okra, manba, crackers and fresh squeezed grapefruit juice. We laid down until Amessanitha came home and then proceeded to just observe them through what we now know is their routine. It is such a gift to us now that we are home to know what they do each night.  I can see them in their space, doing their homework, eating dinner.  Their schoolwork is intense.  They basically memorize entire portions of textbooks. They work so hard and Haitian school is more challenging then any US school we have seen.  It made us talk about where it will be best for them when they come.  We shall see!
For dinner we had vegetables and beef with national rice and beans and Prestige.
What was going to be a lesson or two turned into hours of work for both Amessanitha and Nickson. We have some theories about why they work so hard. They can see very vividly what not having an education looks like.  They see it every day outside their walls.
By 8:00, Amessanitha was in tears because she had so much to do and Nickson had finished and was playing with us. We felt badly, but no one else seemed to.  Josie wasn't phased and I got up a few times and walked over to the talk to hug her while she kept working.   Nickson, Chad and I played jenga and then started using them to do domino runs which he loved. He is creative!  He built different structures, made numbers and letters with the blocks, made a stick person.  It was so fun to see him do that!  If I had had it my way, Amessanitha would have been with us playing, but we really didn't feel like we could rock the boat schedule and schooling wise.  We didn't want her to get in trouble for not having her work done, but that was super tough to not just right a note to her teacher saying, "Hey, her mom and dad in town for a week and we just didn't do the homework because we were busy bonding."
We had devotions at 9:00 with songs, psalms and one of the kids sharing thoughts on a verse or two.
It's crazy to me that we were spending an ENTIRE day to maybe get a few hours of actual interaction with them and we LIVED for it.  We soaked up every bit we could.
Thursday brought some real adventure!!!

Monday, Tuesday...

 Our home for the week!  Josie lives in her sister's home in a quieter suburb of Port Au Prince.  Her sister lives in the states and will eventually retire back in Haiti.  I say "quieter" because the neighborhood is still bustling with shops and people and markets and businesses and schools and churches and animals! 

We drifted to sleep each night with what we call "the sounds of Haiti."  Dogs barking, chatter of families and friends, music, and traffic all mingle together.  We noticed it less towards the end of the week so I think we were acclimating to it!  We spent quite a bit of time in our beautiful upstairs suite!  Monday and Tuesday were very similar.The children left early for school and would not return til 330 or 400 each day so Chad and I woke up late Monday and Tuesday and had very leisurely days.  That first day was really nice to be able to rest and reflect on the fact that we were finally there.  Breakfast each day was served by Sylvania, Josie's housekeeper. She took great care of us with our late risings.  She bustled around made us omelets or warmed up our food, warmed our coffee or hot chocolate, made sure we had what we needed and tried to communicate with us, which early on was quite frustrating, I'm sure. Syl has been with Josie for over 12 years!  Trust is everything in Haiti and Josie and Sylvania have such an incredible history and relationship.  Syl took care of the house, the laundry, the gate, cooked, and was all around just amazing.  Josie fed us SO well!  We had a running joke by the end of the week with Josie and Roby about how Haitian we were because we had ONLY had Haitian food!  And we had the BEST of it!  I should have written down each meal, but in true Sarah fashion, I was much more focused on enjoying the food, then remembering what it all was!  We spent some time in the courtyard on Monday, did a little workout and tried to catch some sun while we studied our Creole. We put together a puzzle, played Yahztee and Farkle, studied, read and just overall had more downtime in a single day than we probably had since we were teenagers with a free Saturday!f 

Amessanitha and Dania got home first Monday after 3.  They have such a routine!  Change clothes, help Syl with whatever she needs for dinner, or chores.  Amessanitha quickly asked to braid my hair and I of course obliged!  The boys and Josie got home around 430 and same thing, they changed clothes, did a few chores and settled in.  Roby came with Josie and we were able to go through some more of our books and talked about the other kids.  One of the questions we asked is what makes you nervous or scared.  Amessanitha said nothing makes her scared. :-)  We noticed that not much conversation is directed towards Nickson.  I'm curious if that's a cultural thing because it seemed to be universal that he was "so young" so the conversations generally just go on around him.  For dinner, Monday, I DID write down what we ate!  Fish and shrimp in a sauce with onion and "national" rice which is brown with pinto beans. It was delicious!  We were definitely spoiled! 

Dinner was a time to visit with Josie and watch the kids interact with each other.  They have a really beautiful family dynamic with Josie.  She creates such a VIBE.  I wish I could describe it, but I know I felt it.  It was home for them.  Her sons were their friends and brothers. Dania and Amessanitha are CLOSE, like sisters.  My mind raced with what we were taking them away from.  Nickson would normally be at the orphanage, but seeing his relationship with Josie and her boys was affirming that they have had years of a beautiful, healthy relationship.  Amessanitha and Dania have only been living with Josie since school started a few months ago due to their high achievements academically that keeps them at a school close. But they operated just like a family. Mama Jo loving and caring for them as her own.  It was evident they all loved each other and we were able to observe it quietly all week. 

Monday we had an incredible conversation with Josie while the kids got to work on their homework.   She filled us in on the corruption and mess that is IBESR.  Much like other governmental agencies, the potential for corruption is high in Haiti(and everywhere, frankly). She said, "I hate adoptions." and then apologized, but I said, "no, I think I probably agree with you." What we have learned over the years with Haitian adoptions is heartbreaking and was confirmed by her experiences.  What she hates and we do to, is the business of adoption.  By putting dollar amounts to the precious task of caring for children, the potential for being taken advantage of is high.  A vast majority of children in orphanages have a living parent. Now this gets complicated a bit in the infrastructure of Haiti because poverty is vast and real and the care of a child can be painfully daunting.  Josie knows and has seen orphanages that essentially remove children from homes, promising education and care that the parents may not be able to provide in their current situation. She has seen money used to the benefit of the board and director and not the children. She has been offered a deal to "provide" as many children as she can for $10,000 a child for "clients" in Israel.  The lengths she went through to complete their dossiers was unbelievable.  At one point, in order to find a family member, she rode a bus, a moto, a DONKEY and then walked for miles searching for an aunt of theirs. She said she was sick from exhaustion when she got home! She had to organize and get several family members to a family council session to explain what was happening, which is a miraculous feat in Haiti. But she did it and countless other feats. We asked her why. Why did you say yes to us??  This was never in the plans for her.  She is not in the business of adoption. She has ZERO interest in the money in it.   We both remember our first conversation when I asked if their were siblings at HOLH and if she did adoptions. She did not, but said she would think about it.  We then learned, she talked to Margaret her sister and Thomas's wife and she said talk to Thomas.  She did and explained a couple had come with Kim and Keith and were hoping to adopt one day.  Thomas asked who it was and she told him.  His reply, "Yes, that is a good family! Any child would be good to be in that family."  

That was it.  Because my grandparents and parents had forged a relationship and bond with Thomas over years and years.  That's why she said yes to giving us a chance to adopt from her orphanage.  At that time, we had no idea that it would be Amessanitha and Nickson.  It was just a hope and a dream. But, dreams do come true sometimes...

After dinner each night was homework, homework and more homework.  We were blown away with the work ethic instilled in them. We joked that American school is going to seem REALLY easy for them.  They spent the next 3 hours studying. Memorizing portions of textbooks, doing math and then memorizing more portions of textbooks.  Monday evening they finished around 830 and we played some games. Nickson loved Jenga and we all played UNO.  The Jenga blocks came in handy to build with, create designs with and use like Dominos to create some fun flows with.  Chad and I spent the evenings studying Creole(you would think we'd be really good, but we're not!)  I was always too distracted trying to watch them or walk into the courtyard to hug them or smile at them.  

One of the evenings, Amessanitha was in tears over all the work she had to do.  Partly because Nickson had gotten finished first and we were already playing.  Josie just laughed and let her keep working.  I went and hugged on her knowing full well it was a good thing I wasn't in charge, cause I would have told her to come play, which would have meant trouble in school the next day. So I kept my mouth shut :-)  Nickson was upset a different night for the same reason.  He kept trying to memorize a part and wasn't getting it. I went into the courtyard, pulled him on my lap, much to Amessanitha and Dania's dismay and had him read it to me several times.  Then he was back up in to the desk and back to work without tears. I am so profoundly thankful for those little moments. The moments we get to show them we care and we love them and we will be showing that differently then maybe what they've been use to.  

Each evening around 9, the whole family circled up in the living room with Bibles in hand and had devotions.  Always a couple hymns, mostly from memory, a psalm from memory, a reading that the kids would take turns explaining simply, and prayers led by one of the kids.  We didn't understand it all, but the reverence they had, the importance it carried for them was so beautiful.  Chad and I both were encouraged to improve our devotions quantity with the kids back home.  So far, so good.  I'm in awe of how well they keep the important things important.  We get so distracted by activities and how exhausted we are by all the activities that it's easy to let some things that have real value slide, like dinners together and devotions together.  We came away from the week personally better.  After being in the house almost the entire time Monday and Tuesday, we were hoping to get out and about a bit as the week went on!  Wednesday and Thursday were perfect...More to come!!

                             

Sunday

Sunday was such a LONG day.  It honestly felt like about 3.
I woke up earlier then our 430am alarm.  The anticipation of finally going left me with little sleep, some anxiety and a recognition that our first meeting would not be like I had envisioned it would be.  We would be landing in PAP to meet Josie and Roby and head to church to hopefully catch the end of the service.  Our original flights had us in on Saturday so coming in on Sunday and getting to see the kids at church for those first moments was ok, but not how I had worked out the meeting in my mind, originally.  I have learned countless times in a million ways, that very few things in life turn out just like we imagine them.  Sometimes they are much better and sometimes not.  I don't get too worked up about those kinds of things anymore, so my focus was to just be in the moments that day without worrying about what I think they should be like. 

Chad and I were not seated next to each other on the flight into PAP which was terribly disappointing.  That was a lonely, emotional landing crammed between two strangers in the very last row of the aircraft.  Chad was about 10 rows in front of me and I had told Chad before we could meet in the customs line, but I realized halfway through the flight when I was filling out the customs forms that he had my passport in his bag. He waited for me and we made our way through customs and down to baggage claim.  Everything went smoothly, although a bit slow.  We stopped at a Digicel store to switch out our SIM card which I will for sure be doing next time!  $5 for internet all week and I probably have some time left.
FINALLY, we made our way to the door and Josie in a glorious white dress comes rushing towards us!  I had so missed her beautiful face!  We hustled out to find Roby and made our way to church.  It was all so beautifully familiar.
Walking in the side door at the front of the church during the pre-sermon hymns...I immediately saw Amessanitha, in her white choir dress and red belt in the front row. 

A small smile and wave was all before we sat down a couple rows back.  No grand meeting, big hugs or tears.  Just a little wave.  It took me a few seconds to find Nickson as he was a row in front and on the other side.  He was either unaware we had come in or didn't show any recognition until the service was almost over and he turned around and smiled when I waved at him. After the service, we said hello and hugged and sat together on the pew somewhat awkwardly.  Not really knowing what to say, but feeling like I wanted to say so much.  Seeing the other children from the orphanage was amazing.  I recognized most of them although they were all so much more grown up!  Amessanitha ran around a bit and chatted with friends.  Nickson stuck to Chad's side. Even wiggling his arm around Chad's at one point. 

Josie got everyone situated and her two boys, Jordan and Jonathon, Chad and I, Roby, Amessanitha, Nickson and Dania all piled into Josie's truck and headed home! It was a tight ride and we didn't mind one bit!  We unloaded our bags, Josie showed us our room which was a beautiful master suite and we pulled out the things we had from home for them.  I had been so torn on what to bring to give them a piece of us to keep in this waiting time.  I put together a sketchbook with our family photos and each of our families' "family tree" style.  It was probably overwhelming by sheer volume of humans in our respective families. :-)  We all wrote out some answers to basic get to know you questions: age, school, favorite things, what I want you to know about me, and the kids recorded videos saying hello!  We also brought a small gift for each of them.  Autumn wanted Amessanitha to have her Haiti-made favorite necklace that my mom had given her years ago.  She wrote the sweetest, tear enducing note with it.  Caleb sent along a white stuffed dog with a KU hat for Nickson.  He explained in his note that this was his favorite basketball team and the weird bird was called a Jayhawk.  He also sent his electronic Yahtzee game.  :-)
We sat down with Roby and the kids to go through the book and gifts.  We just did Chad and I and Elijah the first night because Roby was translating and Amessanitha was writing it all down!  It was all very sweet.  We had little conversations back and forth with Roby helping us tremendously!  It was our first moments of family connection and it felt amazing.  We had them tell us their favorite things and asked about their school and activities.  Things we learned: Amessanitha loves to dance and sing! We told her she could take dance lessons. That made her face light up!  She loves math and is incredibly bright and mature.  She is taking English this year and worked really hard all week helping us with Creole and working on her English.  Nickson does NOT like math, but loves French and we found out he is left handed and quite artistic!  Nickson is quiet and reserved, but found him to be goofy and so joyful! It was so fun to find these little gems about them.  Roby left in the afternoon and we managed without him, but it was with far less actual communication.  We pulled out our Creole/English books and were able to connect over teaching each other.
Josie had asked us if we wanted to go to a concert that evening and I misunderstood and thought it was a concert the children's church choir was singing in at the mayor of Delmas estate.  Turns out it was a full blown Gospel concert!  The children did not sing, but the church was a sponsor for the event so we had amazing seats and had so much fun!  Broke our own rules the first day by being out after dark with large crowds!  The kids all had so much fun!  

The event went late with one performance after the other.  Josie got us snowcones and popcorn for Nickson!  By 9:00 or so, Nickson had fallen asleep on my lap twice which I did not mind AT ALL.  The second time, I pulled him up and just held him.  Dreams do come true.  By then, we didn't really know how many more performances there would be, but I asked Josie to go.  We headed out and Chad carried Nickson to the truck. The whole first day was so surreal.  I kept finding myself staring at them. Holding their hands. Putting my arms around them. Looking at them top to bottom.  Trying to make myself believe they were actually ours. 
Not unlike the first looks at your newborn baby...