Hallelujah 4!

He's 4. 
We made it.
Something happens between 4 and 5 that is glorious and magically and much anticipated. 
At least it has with the other kids, but very little about other kids have applied to THIS kid!

Happy Birthday to the little guy who keeps us all on the edge of our seats!

First time, every time

This is parenting gold here, people. 
Clearly, I'm an expert, so you better take this and run with it.It's this magical little phrase: "First time. Every time."
It was implemented initially with stubborn 3 year old Elijah and has been used extremely inconsistantly ever since.
We brought it out frequently with Cory who had a nasty streak of destruction for a good part of his toddler years.
Then somehow the fourth child sucked every available brain cell out of my soul and made me forget this gem.
By God's grace, we remembered this past week that it had worked magic on the other boys so we decided to give it a shot with the sweet, dear, quiet, obedient baby of the family.
And yes, I know, if we had taken this stance from the get go and not ever let it slide, I would quite possibly not have a uber disobedient, defiant toddler in my house.  But maintaining this high level of involvement is hard and I'm lazy.  Bad combo.

I imagine trauma made me remember this little phrase.  The trauma being Caleb and his little friend removing the screen from an upstairs window and throwing every available item out.  The items may or may not include: shoes, large toys, a mattress pad, articles of clothing, etc, etc...  This all while I was having a lovely conversation with my friend Alex with my back to the downstairs window that these items were flying by.  I, of course, handled it with poise and dignity.
After reining in the absolute FEAR that my child and his friend could have fallen out of that window and DIED, I decided to do what any rational person would do and be super pissed for a few days about what a terror I'm raising.

And then I remembered!!  "First time. Every time."  I explained to dear, sweet Caleb that when I told him to do ANYTHING, he had to hop to it the very first time, every single time or there would be trouble.  Basically I'm going for robotic obedience.  We'll work out the whole independence/personal choice thing later.  As of now, he has no choice in a matter.
I also decided to throw in that he could not scream, "FINE!!" at me whenever I told him to do something.  His response was, "FINE!!"
So about 5 days in, we're going strong.  He's WAY, WAY better.  More often then not when I ask him to do something, it's a cheery, "OK!"  This makes me happy, which is way better then pissed.

Puberty

Scene: Kitchen. Making pizza...

Elijah: So, I think I've hit puberty.
Me:  Hahaha!  Why?  Do you have armpit hair or something?  Hahaha!
Elijah: Hahaha!  Yeah!  Hahaha!
Me: closely examining each of his armpits...WHAT??!?!  YOU TOTALLY DO!!!!  WWWAAAAA!!!!
Elijah: Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Go and make

So, I saw Jen Hatmaker speak last night.  Really fun night.  She is as funny and moving as anyone who has read her books would imagine her to be.  She pretty much nailed what we've been going through the past few months.  The tension, the change of perspective, the desire to act, move, do. 
I've been thinking/reading/praying (wash, rinse, repeat) things that make me go, "Como se WHAT?!?" the past few months.  I have known and read the Bible my ENTIRE life.  The whole time.  Birth til present.  I've heard the token passages about Law and Gospel way mucho.  (Apparently, I'm having trouble writing without using English/Spanish psuedo phrases...sorry.)  ANYway,  what I'm getting at is that for the most part, I've felt very comfortable being Christian, but living in my current Christian state has made me uncomfortable lately.  It's crazy stuff, like "Go and MAKE disciples..."  Not stay at home and hang out with Christian folk all the time. Well, shoot.  It's "feed my sheep."  Not talk about how sad it is that there are hungry people in this world.  It's "Whatever you DO for the LEAST of these, you do for Me."  Not, you should keep talking about all those poor people and how much help they need.
Bah!  Do, Make, Go, Feed.  For those English peeps out there, those are action verbs. 
So, my current area of consternation is how this looks for us as a family.  How does my life need to be structured to be able to Do, Make, Go, Feed?  Where can I put my heart and soul into action?  I'm settled on the place, of course.  Haiti has tied my heart up and won't let it go.  So, now what?  What will this look like?  What decisions can I make in the next few months and years to live these action words?
I pray on a daily basis that our trip in a month will answer some of those questions. 

Haiti love

Watch this, please.  Grab some tissues, first.

http://vimeo.com/mksmith/marathoningformamba

Hold on for the ride!

We've pretty much always existed on the brink of financial problems.  Never in poverty or even close to what I would consider poverty, but there have been many payments made late or deferred, cupboards running bare for a few days, debt added to.  Some things were out of our control and other times we made poor choices. 
I'm not sure I'm even sad for these years.  I have serious appreciation for people who work hard to make ends meet and a good amount of empathy for those who just flat out don't make ends meet.  Honestly, I'm comfortable here with  just barely enough.
I'm about to get a little uncomfortable...Chad was hired at Williams Energy last week.  We're beyond excited.  It's a good job with a great company that gives incredible benefits.  We're going to have a little more then enough. 
It makes me anxious, kinda nervous.  I don't want to be a poor steward of what we've been given.  There are BIG ticket things that we've always lived without and we've been FINE.  I don't want to all of the sudden think we "need" these things just because we can buy them.
We're a long way from rollin' in the dough, but some breathing room will be welcomed. 
I was joking with my sister last night about not wanting to buy a boat. (Disclaimer: If you are a friend of mine with a boat, I hold no ill feelings towards you.)  I was laughing about how people with money always buy a boat and I really don't want a boat, but it just seems like one of those things you buy if you have money so I told her not to let me buy a boat!!  Anyway, with the job change comes some big changes for us besides finances.  We're buying an old, used truck for Chad to drive to work.  We'll pay for insurance through his company.  We'll have investments! Ah!  We're refinancing the house.  New cell phone plans.  No more shorts and tshirts for Chad's job. 
AND...Chad still gets to go to Haiti!  Big, big huge deal!
It's quite the ride so far.

Media

I do not like TV.  There I said it.
It's been an evolution to get to this point, but the other day I was running on a treadmill at the Y and there were 4 TVs in front of me all with something different on.  It was making me crazy.  Even when I just watched one of the TVs it was overstimulating, excessive, obnoxious, annoying. 
I use to watch it all the time.  Wake up, turn the news on and keep it on til lunch.  Catch a few talk shows/soap operas in the afternoon and then again at night for a few hours.  I did that for years. 
When we moved into this house a few years ago, we decided to not hook up any cable.  It took some getting use to, but overall it's been great.  My kids are big movie watchers and I'm an internet junkie so it's not like we're starving for some media fix.  I still use the TV to "babysit" at times or we veg out on really hot or really cold days.  We just get to be more selective. 
I'll watch TV episodes of different shows occasionally and the kids watch ALOT of movies from the library(except this week during the media fast).
I like the silence.  And now when I actually do see some TV, it's annoying.  Too much banter, nastiness, overproduced versions of society.   Its all so fake.  The reality shows (disclaimer: I watch at least a few of the Bachelor/Bachelorette episodes every season :-)! ), the talk shows, the news is even fake most of the time. 
So, I don't like TV. I'm sure that puts me in the minority of the American population.  No worries, America, I'll still be spending hours a day trolling the internet so I'll be sufficiently bombarded anyway!

Humbled

A few weeks ago, during a gathering of our Project 7 group, it was mentioned that my girlfriends would like to do a garage sale to help us raise money for our Haiti adoption/trip, which was not even planned at that point, just a hope, a dream.
Wow! Sure!  Great idea! Fast forward...I have no words sufficient to describe yesterday's yard sale and the number of people who knowingly and unknowingly contributed to it's success.  Huge, huge success.
My dear friend, Natasha, lead the troops and organized the day.  I am in awe of her selflessness.  As word got out, she just kept getting calls, texts, messages. 
"I have stuff to donate."
"I'll bake for the bake sale."
"I'll make lemonade."
"I'll bring lunch." 
"I'll help with tables and set up or break down."
People just kept stepping in to help.  What was going to be held at my house, was now in the parking lot of Kyle's Discount on Main St., hugely visible to everyone who drives through town.  Prime location.  And Kyle was kind beyond words.  Wouldn't take money to rent the lot, put up tents for us to have shade, let us borrow clothes racks, and on and on. 
As the day went on, I realized quickly this was not going to be a few hundred dollars for our trip.  I was giddy with the thought that we may have our tickets paid for, or at least close!!  That would have been amazing!  At 1:00 I ran to the bank with some of the money...Tickets AND room/board were paid for!  By 1:00!!  We still had 5 hours left!! I cried all the way back from the bank.
As the afternoon went on we marked things down, and had a fill a bag for a donation the last few hours.  $100 for a bag of clothes and a lamp, $40 for some toys and books, $20 for nothing.  And one women sticks out in my mind.  She browsed for a bit, walked up to the table, and handed me $3. "I didn't find anything, but this is what I have." She gave what she had.
Goose bumpy kind of cool stuff happened all day.
By the end of the day, the final count was MORE then enough.  MORE!  I get such a kick out of this kind of thing. 
We are so blessed with a group of friends that are selfless, generous, thoughtful and believe in a God who can take our efforts and multiply them.  We have a community that thinks nothing of helping others.
We are humbled by the entire experience. 

Avenues

I'm struggling a bit with some of this adoption stuff. And maybe not how you would think.  It's so complicated. So multi-faceted, so much bigger then a "simple" solution. 
We so want to adopt, but our reasons are shifting.  Our perspective is broadening.  The whys and hows are getting messy.
The more I read and talk and research and pray, the more I understand that we may be a part of a bigger solution.  I'm asking myself more and more not how many children could we adopt, but rather how many Haitian families can we help stay together.  It's a different solution to the same problem.  So, so many blogs I read have been putting this idea to work.  Helping men and women keep their children seems like a much better solution then to take a child from it's native land.  It is still a valuable solution, but not the best.  I NEVER thought of this before.  I would have NEVER came to that conclusion on my own.  Poor babies+rich Americans=adoption=less poor babies.  Right?
It's not that simple.
Adoption is still very much a part of what we want to do.  Although, I am starting to feel like this is beginning to be much less about what I want and more of what God wants as we move along.  That's a good thing, but I just don't know how that's going to look down the road.

Bring the rain

You know how the air changes before a big storm.  The sky shifts, the air temperature drops, the air smells and feels different.
That's what if feels like RIGHT NOW in our lives.
And I know that storm will bring much needed rain, but the wind will be strong, the hail may be large, but we so need that rain...
We're already getting those first few beautiful sprinkles...
I knew way back when we first started talking about adopting from Haiti that we wouldn't be able to do it alone. And we're not alone. 
There is this sense that our lives need to be in order to embark on a journey like this.  I know some will not understand why and why now for us.  We don't make much money, we have 4 children already, we have very busy, wonderful lives.
What's interesting is that over the course of the past few months those are the very things I wrestle with.  Pros and cons.  Risk vs. reward. The hows and whys. 
I live in a comfy place of low expectations.  I expect pretty basic things from people and from myself.  Which makes this whole thing very intriguing to even me.  This is bigger than us.  This drive and desire to know intimately what Haitian life is like, how their culture thinks, how we can be of the greatest service to them, does not come from me.  It can only come from Him.  It's an excited fear I feel.  How do you explain knowing a journey will be painful and difficult and WANTING it!?!
My answer to every inquiry, comment, speculation is "I don't know."  I don't know how we're going to afford our trip, our possible adoption, and/or whatever opportunity arise from our trip.  I don't know what issues our future children may have, biological or adopted.  I don't know why we feel this way about this foreign country.  I don't know why now.  I don't know why so many people have rallied around us with a MASSIVE garage sale, bake sale, lemonade stand!  I don't know why we have these people in our lives at this moment?
All I do know is we need to go down this path.  I honestly don't feel like I have any control of it anyway.  I am an observer to what God will orchestrate.  In just these few short months, I can see His hand here and there.  
And while feeling like an observer, I know there is so much we will need to do.  This will be the most challenging thing we've done.  We will be pushed and pulled and grown.  It may be a complete disaster.  And I welcome it.  I don't want to think or feel or act like the world can't be helped by little ol' me and a great big God.  Bring the rain!
Mercy Me's song :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU

Full Circle awesomeness

Last week, it all came together.  The full circle.  The moment when the trajectories meet again.  When history and connections and memories show us that our decisions and lives can sometimes lead us back to someone from our past. I was talking to my dad last week about our Haiti adventures.  About our contact, Pastor Thomas Bernard and how much I have enjoyed emailed back and forth with him.
He was explaining to me some of the long family connections and in passing said, "you know some 20 years ago, Grandpa and Granpma sponsored Thomas when he was at the seminary." 
I said, "He's not that Thomas.  The "Israel and Thomas" Thomas!" 
Dad: "Yeah, he is."
Me: Laughing and somewhat in shock...
You see, I've met Pastor Bernard and I didn't know that was who I was communicating with.
If you remember back a few months when this adventure was starting for us I wrote about these 2 Haitian men that my grandparents had taking care of and how I loved them and they are who started my lifelong love for Haiti.  One of those men is Pastor Thomas Bernard and I didn't know it!  We just ALWAYS referred to them as "Israel and Thomas". No last names.
He and Israel called my grandparents, "mom and dad." We would often talk of them over the years and it just never occured to me that the Haitian Thomas that I knew was in fact, THIS Haitian Thomas that I was emailing.
Pretty awesome, right?
So here's a little family tree action...Pastor Louis and Luci started a Lutheran church in Haiti and my grandparents were missionaries there and stayed very close with Pastor and Luci over the years.  Thomas Bernard is Luci's brother.  He started a different Lutheran church 15+ years ago without much support from the states.  His sister-in-law, Josie, runs an orphanage.  An orphanage that I hope and pray we will be able to visit in August and talk with her about adopting from that orphanage.
The connections are pretty cool, huh?

12 years

 ago I got married.  I spent all day getting ready and I didn't see him at all that day until the wedding which ended up being at 9:45 PM.  It was exciting and I was blissfully happy all day knowing I would get to see him that night!
Yeah.
Fastforward 12 years and we saw each other for a 45 minute lunch before I had to run off and pick up Autumn from a camp and he had to get back to work.  May see him for another half hour or so before the day is over.  Timewise, not all that different from that wedding day.  Lifewise, we're on another planet.
It's ok.  Would I like to spend my anniversary actually seeing the hubs?  Sure, I would.  The reality is that jobs, kids, schedules, ball games, etc made that tough this year. 
What 12 years has made me realize is that those special, meaningful moments that you expect to have on big days (anniversaries, birthdays, holidays), get spread out. We still have those mushy, feel good days, but they're random.  We grab them as we go along.  The truth is I like it that way.  I like our crazy, busy life.  I still like my husband, which I think trumps "love" at this point in the game. I like knowing that just because we didn't get that date night or fancy gift or honeymoon, we're still good.  Really good. 
I'm excited to see him tonight when he gets home, maybe moreso than I was that night 12 years ago.  We'll have a drink on the porch, chat about what's going on and call it a Happy Anniversary day!

Lucky #7

This guy is 7 today and we're the lucky ones.

He loves Lego StarWars, superheroes, especially Batman, drawing comic books and action figures, cheese pizza, popsicles, the color orange, and his friends.

He is introverted, has a huge imagination, tries to read road signs while we're driving, and can play by himself for hours.

He can melt me with one look, much like his dad. He pretends to not like my hugs and kisses, but then goes in for more.

He makes me laugh with his gorilla antics and cry with his sweetness.
He tells me he'll always be my baby. 
I'll let him.

And he had an epic Star Wars party with some of his favorite people to celebrate!

She dances

I'm a dance mom.  I never thought I would say that.  Thankfully, I'm not the kind of dance mom that lands in a reality TV show and Autumn is not the kind of dancer that pitches a fit when her hair gets messed up or she rips her tights. 
It's actually quite laid back.  I drop her off at a friend's house each week for about an hour, she learns tap and ballet and at the end of the year, we get her all dolled up and she performs.  Good stuff. 
This year the recital had an 80s theme, so she danced to NKOTB and Michael Jackson.  I was PUMPED!  Almost pumped enough to get up and dance with her, but I restrained myself.  There was discussion on having a "mom" dance since so many of us lived the 80s, but we held back on that too.
As always, Autumn did great.  She smiles the whole time she dances.  I french braided her hair to a side ponytail and teased it like crazy!  Super fun!

He gets it.

I was talking with Elijah last week while we were food fasting and we got to talking about poverty in our country vs. other countries.  It was an eye-opening discussion for both of us, I think.  I was able to explain that our country's standard of poverty are much higher then most other countries.  That US poor is really not poor by global standards.
It reminded me that even younger kids can understand these greater world issues.  Not always, but if we don't talk about it at all, the chance of them "getting it" is 0.
So while talking, he paused for a minute and then said this:
"So really, in the United States, alot is normal and enough is poor." 
Whoa.
Read it again.
I just paused. Absorbed.  And said a prayer of thanks.
I think he gets it...

Challenge #2-Clothes

What is it about our society and clothes??
Entire magazines, advertising agencies, industries are driven by our "NEED" for clothes, more clothes!!
Obsessed, consumed, entitled, supposed stress-reliever??  What is it about clothes?
They can rule our lives so unsuspectingly. 
We do need them.  Unless someone wants to start a nudist colony with me?? 
No takers?  Strange.
Anyway, it's with each new season, we load up!
New shirts and shorts and shoes. 
New school year=New wardrobe!
Event coming up?  Must get new outfit.
Quick run to Walmart for a few things?  Couple new clothes items end up in my cart cause they were on sale!
Just a quick browse online and look, I found a cute dress for only $10! 
Sheesh.
I don't feel the need to have new clothes very often and quite frankly, I'd rather not shop unless I have to.  That being said, I STILL fall into the same traps.  Grab a shirt here, a cute pair of shoes on sale there.  It happens.
So, with that in mind, we're going to tackle this week with 7 items of clothing.  8, actually because we get 2 shoes that count as one of the 7. 
It's going to be interesting...Will I care?  Will I love it? Hate it?  We'll see...

Awareness-->Action

I'm wondering when one leads to another.It seems I have considered myself aware of many global issues for some time.
I think the magnitude of the poverty our world faces can be paralyzing.
How can I do any good?  The problems are SO big.  They are so widespread.  Every country on every continent has people that are in need. Some in grave, life-threatening need for food, medicine, shelter.
I'm re-reading Kisses from Katie, which quite frankly may be my next book study group and I'm re-reading 7 while we go through this fasting experiment.  I can literally FEEL my world rocking.
I was asking myself these questions yesterday.  How does awareness move towards action?  What can I, a mother of 4, do to help anyone?  I can't single-handedly feed all the starving people in this world. 
Here is an excerpt from Kisses from Katie: "Every day I have spent in Uganda has been beautifully overwhelming; everywhere I have looked, raw, filthy, human need and brokenness have been on display, begging for someone to meet them, fix them.  And even though I realize I cannot always mend or meet, I can enter in.  I can enter into someone's pain and sit with them and know.  This is Jesus. Not that He apologizes for the hard and the hurt, but that He enter in, He comes with us to the hard places.  And so I continue to enter."
What I quickly realized is that I don't have to be in Uganda  or in my case where I truly want to be, Haiti, to do this.  I can do this here.  Right now.  With my child, my husband, my friend, my neighbor. 
And really, aren't we all raw, filthy, broken.  We just hide it better in our society.  We close the doors on our hearts, our homes and hide the brokenness.  We mask it with possessions and trips, food and jobs.  We're all broken.  We all just want someone to enter into that pain with us.  Just for a moment.  To feel it with us.  My pain will not be your pain.  My tears will come from some place very different from yours, but it's all there for each of us, because we're sinful.  We fail.  We mess things up.  It's what we do.  I can't change that about myself.  I will always mess up.  And the miracle is that God knows that and yet He still has given me a huge responsibility to my children, my husband, my friends and family, my world. 
What was He thinking???  I don't know and probably never will, but I'm ok with that for now.

Food

We have plenty of food.  Well, honestly, we've run out or are running out of nearly everything we eat on a regular basis, but we still have plenty of food.
Just not the food we like.
We're so spoiled.
Today my super fab group of friends and my equally super fab big sister started our "7" project today.
Day 1 of the Food Week- I honestly did not know how this would go over.  Some people (ME) are seriously attached to their foods or what I've found, even more attached to their beverage of choice.  (Uh, cough, cough, COFFEE, anyone!)
The choices of foods ranged from protein powder to lima beans.  Coke and coffee to spinach and peanut butter.  Chicken and ground beef to strawberries and apples.
The first few choices were easy, but once you started branching out a bit to the 5, 6, 7th choices, things got rough. 
You had to think about breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks (Hello, this alone is such a luxury it makes me nauseous just thinking about it).  We had to think about combinations.  Did you really want JUST bread?  Do you really want to eat lettuce with NO dressing?  Will strawberries still seem so delicious on day 5? 
It has been interesting to say the least.  I'm proud of our little experimenting group.  Some have slipped, some have held fast, others haven't really chimed in at all and I think they think we're all stupid. No worries, though!
This whole "fasting" and having a group on Facebook to discuss our "fasting" is very Pharisee-ish.  It makes me a bit uncomfortable, actually.  We're doing this as a group so I love the "we're in this together" kind of deal, but I'm not looking to be like a Pharisee either.  Maybe I think it's ok cause my idea of a true fast is when you eat nothing at all for a period of time and I'm not quite brave enough to try that yet.
Who knows.  All I know is I like that I've had to be more conscious today.  I like that it made me do some research on Burundi, often considered the poorest country in the world.
I like that I've had the opportunity to pray for the people of that country and pray for my friends who are in this with me.  I like that I've spent part of today hungry cause I was tired of apples and almonds.  It makes me think of our Haiti children.   What did they eat today?  Did they eat today? 
Perspective is shifting. 
Ultimately, that's what we're going for.  Open our eyes, Lord.  I want to see differently and if that means we eat 7 foods for a few days, so be it.  

I didn't think I was that attached...

Our Max was hit by a car last night.

I was coming home last night around 10 and drove by him on the road.  I was sure it was him.  I hoped it wasn't.

I went inside and told Chad.  We walked out to the street.

It was Max.
I was so sick.

Here is why I love my husband: He went and picked him up, carried him home and buried him.

I would have left him.

We woke the 3 older kids up and told them so they could come out for the burial.

  I just cried and hugged them.  It is not something I ever want to do again.

They were so sad, so mad.

Elijah wanted to "get" whoever did it to Max.
It must have just happened before I drove by.  He was still warm.

So, now he's buried in the backyard, wrapped in some KU fleece material per Elijah's request. 
Obviously, Max was a KU fan so that was only appropriate.

We'll be getting another cat.
I didn't know I was so attached til he's gone.

There are days...

when I think a full time job sounds like a dreamy spa vacation cause it would be a whole day away from the little people that run my life.
There are days that a morning working at the coffee shop doesn't even cure the crazy out of myself or these little people that run my life.
There are days when I would like to not have to break up a fight, put someone in time out 14 times with no end in sight, or feed these little people that run my life.
There are days when I don't want to teach school, cook food, or function above a semi-conscious level.

There are days like today.