Becoming a mother

Something spectacular happened last week.  

A mother was born.  
Our friends had asked me to be their "birth coach" for their first baby together.  
I, of course, said yes, because there are few things that are as miraculous as birth and the chance to be with my friends during delivery was too special to turn down. I quickly assured them that even though I've had 4 babies, a professional, I am not. But I would, however, be their biggest cheerleader and do my very best to keep everyone calm and peaceful.  They seemed to think this was good enough!
The idea of it did make me somewhat nervous.  Not from a birthing standpoint.  I am comfortable in that space, thanks to my midwife momma.  I was more concerned about being a good, yet untrained, support system for them.  Birth is predictable in many ways, but there will always be the unknowns.  Having a positive birth experience means so much in terms of how you view babies and birth and mothering, I think.  Jen wanted to have the baby naturally and we talked a lot about that and some of the things about labor and delivery that I knew(which was not an extensive list, by any means).

So Monday morning rolled around and Jen was set to have her water broke to see if labor would start on it's own and it did!  The morning went quietly.  Each contraction, Jen closed her eyes, laid her head back and breathed.  

Jerry and I sat and watched mostly. She was very "internal" during each contraction.  We got up and walked the halls for a bit just to have something else to do and help him drop some more.  Soon after, though, as the contractions intensified, we could tell they getting more difficult for Jen to manage.  What I wish we had talked about before labor(and if I were doula-trained, I'm sure we would have), was fear.  I could see it as it was happened, but was not prepared for it and neither was she.  There is a time during labor, that the pain of the contractions are scary bad.  They are close and long in duration and so painful. Fear easily creeps in and we start saying to ourselves that we can't do this any longer.  It feels like more than we can bear.
She decided to get an epidural around 6 cm.  I know that wasn't an easy decision for her, but she did what she thought was best at the time and at that moment, my job was support.   
Her demeanor changed almost immediately once the epidural set in.  The fear (and pain) went away.  A short hour later, the doctor came in on her lunch break to check her and it was time to push. A short 10 minutes later, Dax was here!  I was really just in awe of Jen and Jerry and the whole thing. She labored really so beautifully and peacefully.  Being on this side of labor was inspiring.  It was so incredible and moving and beautiful and not something I will ever forget. 

I really learned so much that day.  You could see labor and delivery through the eyes of pain and mess and noise and fear.  I just can't see it that way, though.  It's too amazing to just pass off as all those things and not also see the beauty in watching a woman become a mother this way and a baby takes it's first breathes and a father see his son for this first time.  Miraculous.  All of it.

So, I could totally be a doula for a living.  After as I drove home, I called my midwife momma and talked about it.  I thought about the gift she gave me to be able to see birth as something beautiful and normal.  I will always be grateful to Jen and Jerry for asking me to be there for their day!

Feeling faith

   I am so loving our new church.  During Lent, I did wish it wasn't a 30 minute drive because we had a hard time getting there or at least getting there on time. But even the nights we had to hustle like crazy, walked in late and settled in just in time for the sermon, I was still so glad we made the effort.
I feel fed there.  I have spent many years trying hard not to get wrapped up in the "feels" of faith.  
"Feelings come and go."  
"Faith isn't a feeling."  
But the truth is, faith seems dead to me if it doesn't feel.  If it doesn't feel, it's cold and analytical and distant, something we have to understand and have an answer for.  I can't do faith that way.  It's confusing to me.  I don't really understand it and sometimes I don't really understand God or religion or any of it.  And I am finally ok saying that and not think I am losing my faith.
I've been pretty emotional about church lately and I think that's why.  I'm feeling again.  It's been awhile since I've "felt" my faith. It's taken a hit or two this past year and a half.  Although I cognitively know that faith is not a feeling, I do think that as a "feeler", I need the emotion of it.  I hadn't had that for quite some time so honestly I'm enjoying the emotion that I get when I'm in church.  I'm starting to feel little pieces of what has felt like a beat down faith, spark again. I so badly want to believe what I say I believe and that core foundation had felt very fragile for some time. It doesn't seem so fragile anymore and I think that's in some part to being in a church community that "feels" and is actively pursuing mission opportunities and desires to be a safe haven for people, amongst many other reasons. 
There has been great value in staying the course despite some of the doubts and thoughts I've had.   I was "doing" all the things that should grow faith.  Attending church, reading the Bible, inundating myself with "positive" Christian-y quotes and thoughts. I should have "felt" strong, solid and I wasn't.  There was enormous frustration on my part internally in that.  It's not so simple.  What I am starting to recognize is that faith is (obviously) more than any one thing.  It is not just doing or just feeling or just speaking.  It is this amazingly nuanced thing in my life.  Not to be explained away or tossed away or ignored.  Just like our doubts and questions.  Somethings need to be mulled over and battled through.  I look around me at those who are years or decades ahead in this life and have managed to cling to this faith and I am both in awe and am grateful.  I would imagine I'm not the only one who has struggled and I'm thankful for those that hold fast and encourage and battle alongside me.
So, really, my point, I guess,  is that I'm thankful for our church because it came to us when I think I needed it most.  I happen to think that's no coincidence and I'm glad God saw it fit to lead us there and let me feel again.

Windy city

It's been a busy, busy few weeks with no sign of slowing down any time soon, which means lots going on in my head and not much blogging to unload it all...
Before I get to anything else, this FIRST!!

Two weekends ago, I got to sneak away with some of the best girls I know to Chicago and meet up with another best girl I know to spend some quality time together and have some FUN.  
Some years back when we first moved to town, I starting going to a MOPS group.  Turns out that our first little group of moms with little kids needed each other.  I know I certainly needed them. Some were already friends, some were acquaintances and some new friends.  After MOPS, a bible study was started and our little group continued to bond.  It has not been without some problems that had to be weathered. Sometimes(or really, most of the time), "bible study" turned into sharing about life and struggles and personal things, but each of those times mattered to the depth and growth of those friendships.  Some of those original girls have moved away or moved on, but what's truly amazing about these girls is that despite that and our shifting lives and responsibilities and activities, they continue to find the time to keep the friendships going.  McDonalds dates with kids, movie/TV nights without kids, birthday dinners, weekend getaways.  Over and over again. 
This is not easy, people. 
We all have busy lives with husbands and children and jobs and families and on and on, but for the past 6+ years, these girls keep showing up, putting in the time and making the effort to keep this friendship going.  I am forever grateful for that.  Not all of the girls could make it this trip, unfortunately, but we are already planning the next one with hopefully everyone!

Leaving KC!

The view from The Godfrey.

I adore the city.  Adore.

Together!

HUB 51

Fish tacos!  OMGoodness! So good.

So nice to just BE TOGETHER!

                        

Off to get breakfast!

Starbucks +

 Firecakes = DELICIOUS!

Heading out on the town!

Redhead Piano bar!  SO FUN!

I bought hipster glasses.  Not gonna lie...I love them so much.

It's like having an alter ego :-)

Lots of "sharing" going on... ;-)

Had to leave too soon...

Sad, goodbye face. :-(

Until next time...

Make the time and effort for your girlfriends.  It is SO worth it!

Springtime

In the midst of home study/dossier paperwork, prepping for a competition/Crossfit Open/gym life, day to day ups and downs, internal battles and external struggles, I find simple reminders like this so grounding.  So I looked around and found some seemingly ordinary things...

Like loosing a first tooth!

Like listening to your friend share her newfound love for Haiti!

Laughs and drinks with fabulous friends!

And being reminded of this.  That I'm thankful for the choice we make to love each other every day in the midst of difficulties and joys.

And having a few extra minutes to add a little character to the back door.

I've noticed over the years that if you can manage to find joy in the ordinary and sometimes that is so difficult, this incredible thing happens.  The ordinary start to look and feel extraordinary.

Life feels pretty extraordinary these days...

Bullet points

You knew it was going to come this, right?  It always does... :-)

*A few days before spring break, after Daylight Savings time. 
10 minutes before we are suppose to leave for school.  

Poor guy just could not get himself out of bed.  

I pulled clothes on his comatose body and we hustled like crazy with minimal yelling. I managed to get everyone to school on time.  I was feeling all awesome and stuff. All rockstar mommish.

Then I got a call from Elyria, Caleb's school.  "Hi, Sarah.  Today is the chicken noodle dinner.  Caleb needs to be in his choir clothes."  Oops...

This also meant on a day(Tuesdays) when he normally has hot lunch at school, he would need a sack lunch, which I did not pack.  

Oops...

This also meant I was suppose to bake 2 pies for the dinner.

Oops...

That feeling of awesome quickly drifted away and all I could do was pack a lunch, get his choir clothes together and shake my head.  Some days, winning means making it to bedtime in one piece.

* We headed to MO as soon as spring break started.  Elijah was visiting St. Paul and I had a few Haiti talks lined up and we had an entire cow's worth of beef to pick up.   

The visit went well.  It was bizarre.  I can't think of any other way to describe it.  I was a mom of a potential high school student.  You guys, I am just a few years out of high school. Really. I am.  

But, they tell me he is old enough for those shenanigans so I guess I'll let him go.  

*There is always something exciting going on at my parents'.  Like chickens laying huge eggs and my mom commenting on checking the chickens to see if one of them was bleeding out from laying a egg this size. ;-)

I sent this picture to Isaac to illustrate the difference in my sister an 8 pounder vs. him, a 12 pounder.  Poor momma.





We had some cousin time with my oldest brother and his family.  My niece is just so fun.  I love talking to her cause there is always something going on in her little world :-)

*We went and watched Mockingjay at the high school one night.  At one point, the only kids there were Muehlers. It made me giggle.  So many Muehlers :-)

I love this sweet picture of my Laura.  Isn't she a beauty?  She is.  Inside and out. We have known each other since I was a freshman and she was a senior in high school. Old friends are just the best.

*I am almost done with home study paperwork.  You guys!  Did you read that?  Id say 80% done.  That feels like a real accomplishment.  

*We are almost through the CrossFit Open, which means nearly nothing to anyone except CrossFitters.  It's a worldwide competition and we have some of our athletes doing really, really well.  It's fun and exhausting.  

*We have had quite a few new members lately and they are all awesome.  I love the whole meeting new people part of the gym.  It's my favorite.

I think that's all for now!

The first precious steps

As I've said before, coming back from Haiti this time we knew we were ready to start the adoption.  House of Love and Hope was licensed and after talking with Josie some more, it felt like it was time. 
We were excited to say the least.  The week I got back I looked through a few of the agencies that do Haitian adoptions and emailed a couple about working with Josie.  At the time, our understanding was that agencies still worked directly with orphanages.  We soon found this to not be the case.  I talked with several agencies and they all said the same thing.  The Haitian government now does all the referrals and there is no more direct involvement between agencies and orphanages.  This was good in one regard, because HOLH is new to the system so they don't have a history with an agency that now had to severed.  We also found out that because we want to adopt older siblings that we can request them specifically.  We were thinking that we would be able to request the orphanage, but not the children.  Not sure if that is all in our favor or not, but we are hopeful.  Medical special needs, children over 6 and siblings all fall under a "special needs" category of children that they allow requests for.  This does not mean they will honor that request, but it feels like a chance!  
The agency that I thought we would want to work with was the first to get back to me.  They were wonderful and kind and we decided to apply through them without really looking at other agencies.  Lesson learned #1.  Ask more questions.  We did the application which was quite extensive, paid the fee and waited.  We were contacted in a few days and they said they had some concerns with our income.  Don't we all ;-).  We are well above the income requirements for both the US and Haiti, but for some reason they were hesitant and eluded to wanting us to take some more time and work on that.  We also found out that they had a waiting list to submit dossiers.  I assumed (Lesson #2: Don't assumer) that since they were taking applications they had dossier openings.  Those two factors made us decide to look at other agencies.  The way it works now is each agency gets 1 dossier submission each month and 5 special needs/year.  So some agencies have all those available or several available or you are on a waiting list to submit your dossier.  We didn't want to wait any longer so I found all the agencies that had immediate openings and went from there.  It was frustrating to feel like we made a mistake right off the bat, but I'll take all the lessons I need to get this right.  After talking extensively with 4 different agencies, I had a solid morning of panic.  They were on paper all great.  Pros/Cons all ended in a draw. I didn't want to mess this up.  It felt big.
After a text convo with some friends, I felt much better.  Funny how that works!  Reminders came in...Go with your gut. God is going to use whoever you choose.  And others.  I had been leaning towards one more than the others and it was simply because they were a pilot program.  Initially that felt like not a good thing.  Haiti is complicated and has a history of corruption.  Did we want to work with someone who didn't have a long history in the country?  
With the change in laws, we concluded that we did.  So I took a few deep breaths, cried a few more tears and applied to MLJ Adoptions on a Friday.  Monday morning we found out we were accepted and we were off and running.  Agreements, contracts, fee sheets all came through email.  
The home study is the first big hurdle and I met with an agency on Monday out of Overland Park that will do it for us.  The stack of papers I'm currently sifting through is manageable and we hope to get the dossier all done and ready by the end of the summer.  
Honestly, it all feels right and good.  I'm impatient and anxious sometimes, but mostly I just feel at peace.  My heart aches to know who our referrals will be.  I want to get all this paperwork out of my hands and into the Haitian governments so we can know that as soon as possible.  Patience has always been the name of this game.
We have several fundraisers in the works.  There will be big chunks of money required at different stages.  Those are the scary ones.  $6100 here.  $3000 there, $12000 here.   Our first big event will be Raise the Bar for Haiti in May.  We love doing events and this one is always really meaningful to us.  This year maybe more than ever.
Sometimes I stop the paperwork and just sit and stare out the window in awe.  We have talked about doing this for years.
It feels surreal.  
We're doing it.  
For real.  

Final days. FINALLY

Sometimes you just have to DO IT.  Buckle down and get stuff done.  Blogging included.

Our final two full days in Haiti were an unexpected gift.  Our original plan was to go work at Lophane's or other various things that required a bus to get us there.
While we were in Haiti this time, we were getting email updates from the Embassy about various protest or "manifestations" as they call them about the gas prices.  We heard anywhere from $10/gal to $20/gal is what it had gotten up to.  Regardless of how high it had gotten, it was too high.  Think about how riled up we get when gas hits $5.  Now imagine your power source was a generator that ran on gas.  And your water source was a pump that only ran if you had electricity (which is sketchy at best there) or your generator.  And now imagine you lived on $2/day.
That is in a nutshell the status of many, many Haitians.  So they planned a transportation strike for Monday and Tuesday.  This meant that no vehicles would be on the roads.  Road blocks were put up and there was talk of some rock throwing and vandalism if you did drive.  Motos were allowed to some degree and bicycles.  We thought it was best if we just stayed put at Gertrude's, which ended up being pretty amazing.  We needed every last minute to divide up and organize the donations you all sent.

We were able to take some of the special needs kids out around the block.  Which you can tell is no small feat considering the road conditions.  It was a workout, but they loved it so much!  The young man I had was so happy!  He had this little beat in his head that he would thump out on his chest. We chatted and talked as we walked.  

 We still had so much rice and beans to divide up so we spent time working on that, as well.  Alana and her painting crew worked on the mural and the baby room too!

 The real blessings of the days came when we were able to walk to an orphanage just down the road.  It was about a 10 minute walk, but with no vehicles on the road, we had freedom to roam a bit.  We found out about the orphanage, Family Care Center, because Lauren, who has been working for Notre Maison for over a year is engaged to Chedner, who owns this orphanage.  Chedner is Gertrude's nephew.  

Lauren had told us about it and with our days free, we had the time and the extra resources to be able to visit a few times, bring donations and access some of their needs.  I firmly believe this was no accident of circumstances.  The whole God using imperfect circumstances for his perfect plan thing.  

These two boys were great artists.  They were drawing color pages for the younger ones to use.  

Their needs are great.

 But their smiles were big.

We went back the second day and noticed some of the children had put on some "fancier" clothes.  Lauren told us they knew we were coming this time so wanted to dress extra nice for our visit.  The sweetest.

Some fun happened on one of our walks back.  We got to play some basketball!  One of my favorite memories, for sure, mostly because it was unique to the circumstances.  The roads were clear so the boys were playing right on the street.  We asked if we could play for a bit and they were all about it.  We had quite the audience by the time we finished :-)

We were also able to just be with the kids at Notre Maison which is rare for these trips since we're always "out."  We took them down to their school yard and ran around.  Little Alvarez found some baby chicks and a momma along one of the walls and I walked over with him.  He was yelling at them, 'Ey, sak pase!" (Hey, what's up?)  Made me giggle :-)  We wore him and the others out that day.  I wasn't too upset with some snuggle time!

The extra time also gave us opportunity to get to know Lauren and little Nadia better, which I'm very grateful for.  I love her sense of adventure and trust in this stage in her life.  It is not easy to live in Haiti, but she is building her only little family there and writing a beautiful life story.

Final day started early and ended late.  We left for the airport Wednesday in the morning and got home around 1:00 am Thursday.  It is always hard to leave, but I came back this time feeling excited and with energy I hadn't really felt on previous trips.  I know it was adoption related in some degree in that we knew we were starting the process once I got back.  But also, I think, I'm getting it, little by little.  I'm learning to love two places and be at peace with that.  I'm learning to be present where I am in location and in circumstances.  I'm learning that these people are becoming our friends and not just a place we visit.  I'm learning to be still and watch as our story unfolds in Haiti.  I'm learning...

Next up...Adoption news!!  Woop, woop!! ;-)