To my younger self

We passed 17 years of marriage last week and I've had a few conversations lately about relationships and marriage and it's made me think about my 19 year old self who married this boy who was her best friend and loved her and she just didn't want to be away from any more.
I won't pretend to know a darn thing about someone else's marriage because I am certain no one really know what goes on between two people who have decided to spend a lifetime together.  But, I can speak to our marriage and I can speak to the girl I was 17 years ago...

To my 19 year old, newly married self:
This is gonna be fun.  Truly. You won't believe the joy you will find in being married to Chad.

You will be lonely. Terribly so. Sometimes with him right next to you.

You will have to say goodbye more often then you can imagine.  Some of those good byes will be for a day, but some will be for weeks or months and they will be gut-wrenching, but you'll make it through them all.

You will have babies early and often these first 8 years.  Hold on. It will be mind-numbingly hard, exhausting and exhilarating.  You will wonder simultaneously what you're doing and what could you ever be doing that's better then this.  You will miss it.  Everyone will tell you that and they aren't lying.

You will make some of the most amazing friends.  Friends that will see you through some of the hardest months of your brother dying and Chad being on deployment.  Friends who walk with you through having babies early and often and all that comes with that.  Friends who will rally around you when you start a business and when you start an adoption.  Friends who help you weather drama, trauma, and difficulties that come along.

You'll carry some resentment for a long time from those early years, raising babies alone so often. It's going to make sense some day and you'll know you were never really alone. Those early days will shape you, make you more compassionate, more understanding, and resilient.

You won't believe how much you can love a teenager.  They are this magical combination of youth, and goofiness and adultness and confusion.  They will challenge you in ways that an infant never could, but they are so very fun and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

You will find yourself in a profession that was never on your radar, doing things every day that you never thought you would or could do and you'll love it.

You will one day be sitting in your living room wondering how you got there.  You'll wonder about the choices you made even when you didn't feel like you were given a choice.  You'll be amazed at the choreography of your life and be so very thankful for it.

You'll look back the winding road to this day and be genuinely excited about the winding road ahead because if nothing else, this life with this man and these kids is always an adventure and you sure do love an adventure.

Simultaneous

It's quite difficult to pick up and write again after such a long hiatus.  I have spent the last year convinced that no one truly cares what others have to say.  We just want to make our point and walk away with it.  It's been a period of so much talking and so little listening and adding my voice to the noise seemed silly.  When things get loud, I tend to pull back. 

I don't know why I'm writing now, except I want to put thoughts down so I remember this time.

It's been a year of simultaneous.  I have felt maybe more then ever this overlapping of emotions and have been trying to make peace with that.  

Our life is noisy.  Not necessarily in the volume of our home, but in the volume in our days.  There is so much volume and my mind gets noisy.  It bounces from one space to the next.  One task to the next.  We pass on information and forget to pause.  I have forgotten this past year how much I need to pause, not to listen to others necessarily, but to hear my own heart.

  

Here is where the simultaneousness of our life has raged...I love our life.  It is so full of so many fabulous things.  Our business is growing.  Peace about my role in our business has settled in. We are surrounded by wonderful people on a daily basis.  Our children are healthy and happy and growing. In all the world, I still consider Chad my best friend, biggest cheerleader, and greatest love.

And yet...I am sad sometimes.  Profoundly. It's not a depressive sadness(I know that feeling).  It's these feelings of being both so thankful and content, yet missing a different path or place or people.

I miss Haiti.  I am so drawn to people who are doing meaningful work there.  I miss the ocean.  My mind always quieted next to the waves.  I miss God.  He's still there, but I've wandered away in the noise.  I think I miss myself...she retreated somewhere.  I don't think she is the same person she was a year ago, but I don't know, yet. 

Can you be both happy and sad?  I am.  And it's confusing. I don't want to change my life, but I do wonder how it could be different.  I'm excited for the direction our life is taking.  Our adoption is moving closer and more then anything my heart wants to be on the other side of it.  Our business is growing and we have dreams and plans for it.  Our children are showing themselves to be really amazing people, despite or because of us(I'll always argue despite of us), or well, both, simultaneously.  Despite the noise, Chad and I still manage to like each other often and love each other always.
So, I sit with all of this and wonder how I can be both happy and sad?  How can I both love the life I lead and look for a life that's different?  How would it be different?  Chad has asked me that and I'm not even sure.  Haiti, always.  If I was free, I'd go.  But I'm not and that's ok, but it hurts a part of my soul.  The ocean calls, but I'd want to take our life here with us, all the people...  

Simultaneous: existing, occurring, operating at the same time. Concurrent.

Aftermath

It's maybe a coincidence that I haven't blogged since I've been home from my last trip to Haiti and this post is kinda about Haiti.  Maybe it's taken this long to process it.  Or maybe I just need to get it out of my head.

It's the 4th of July and I'm holed up in my room. I'm a little jumpy this year.  A little anxious.  Lots of things are being blown up and set on fire and popping outside.  As the day has gone on, it's getting tougher to pretend it doesn't bother me.  It's not as enjoyable this year.

On the Wednesday evening of my last visit to Haiti in April, our group witnessed a shooting near our guesthouse.  It was terrifying, traumatic and obviously, not something I'm "over."  The good news is we were safe, cared for, and protected that evening.  Nothing about how I feel about Haiti has changed.  It has never been safe and probably never will be.  We all knew that going in and were unfortunately reminded of that, firsthand, on this particular trip.

What has me thinking today is how many people live with this kind of reality.  The level of my anxiety is mild, I'm sure, and I will most likely be ok in a few days when all the firecrackers have been used up.  Firecrackers sounds just like gunfire.  I think about all the military who suffer from PTSD.  How many of them dread this day?  The constant popping.   Or those who have witnessed some kind of gun violence?  How do they deal with today?  Or the ones who live in neighborhoods where the popping is heard often and it's not from fireworks?

I'll make it through today, but I can't help the memories flashing or the heart racing that happens when those firecrackers go off and this is from just one incident.  How much more do others have to carry?

A week in pictures.

Together in Haiti for the first of hopefully, many times!

Haiti is better with friends like her.

I spent Sunday with my friend Nadine and her sweet family.  Her little boys are just the sweetest!

And Silliest! :-)

Prestige.  Every. day.

Rosie girl.  She is so special.

Litte Nadia!

Rosie and Mejenge heading to school

The view from Coracess, a new preaching station for the Lutheran Church in Haiti.

A temporary building, but beautiful none-the-less.

I really enjoyed getting to know Jean better this trip!  He is super computer savvy and has the best smile!

I can't really explain the joy that is Roby.  He says we are friends who became family and it's so very true.

Earthquake memorial over a mass grave site.

Haunting.

Annie!!

Divine Kids!  So sweet!

Pinata time!

Filling rice and bean bags.

Lookout Point with a few of my favorite people!

Dear Pierre.  

My beautiful momma enjoying a drink after working at Lophane's house!

Gin and Tonic in Haiti?  Yes, please!

Farkle Fun!

Gertrude!

The view from Lophane's second floor

No Bull in Haiti.  My camo shoes blended right in!

Rooftop resting in the sun.

Second floor of Lophane's

Apparent Project for a little R&R

A picture of the boys taking selfies :-)

Coffee lover.

The view from Apparent Project.  My new favorite hangout in Haiti!

These are just everywhere!  I want them, but I can't keep plants live so I just took a pretty picture instead.

My momma

Nadia looked so cute this day1

Christine!

Lillivois

These two could not be any cuter!  The view from the top of an abandoned orphanage was stunning!

More of my favorite people

Pierre's dad's music school.

Croix des Bouquet metal market.  So amazing what they can do!

This little guy's toy was so creative!

More farkle.  Pay no attention to the man in the salmon colored tank ;-)

The Brad and Angelina of Haiti.  Ha!  Love these two!

The drive to Roby's was UP!

The view from his home site!

Lots and lots of cinder blocks were moved.  150, I believe!

Walls going up at Roby's

Lots of neighbor kids came out to watch a bunch of American's haul blocks and cement!

Roby's brother and cousin.  

"The Boys"

Leonard.  I have so much love and respect for this man.  He carries the weight of many heartaches and pain, but his love for Christ remains the most evident thing about him.

Pierre and Jean heading out!

I bought a lot of things this trip and this bag was the only thing that would hold my larger purchase!

Mejenge doing her English homework.  I only helped a little!

Beautiful girl!

Packed up and heading to the airport!

Haiti is always hard to leave.

We had what was suppose to be 9 hours in Miami and turned into 11, but we made the most of it!  Seafood and South Beach!  I don't know why I don't live by the ocean.

There are a thousand more pictures that were taken by the group, and a thousand stories that could be told.