I didn't really forget, I just didn't have any words for it yesterday.
Luke's birthday was yesterday and I didn't acknowledge it on Facebook and let's be real, if it's not on social media, it didn't happen, right? But his birthday did happen and I did forget it was his birthday until I saw his picture on Facebook. Then I remembered.
Then I went about my day as usual. The longer it goes, the more I forget. I never forget Luke, I just forget I should be sad that he's gone, or I should be reflecting on his life, or I forget to carry it as a "I lost my brother" banner. I forget that every new person I meet should know that about me. It was ultra defining as a young adult to lose him, but I don't know when it stopped defining me now. I miss him so much it hurts sometimes, but sometimes I forget to hurt. And I think that's ok.
I miss the opportunities we would have had to be a part of each others lives. I miss being able to tell him about my love for Haiti. Would he have gone with me sometime? I miss being able to tell him Caleb stories. Would he have had some insight or would he have just laughed with the rest of us? I miss my kids not knowing him. I miss knowing him as an adult. We're all so different than we were at 16. How would he have changed?
I use to think about him every single day. Then I'd realize I didn't think about him a day here or there. Lately I realized I only think about him occasionally. A little reminder here. A memory there. Maybe this is some sort of confession. I think I felt unconsciously for a long time that I had to think of him often or he didn't live or it didn't affect me enough. But I don't think about him some days and that doesn't take away from his life, my memories, the pain of losing him or the joy that has come after. It's all still there. The years are passing and I'll never forget him, but I won't feel guilty for not reliving the pain every birthday. I'll not feel guilty for going through a day without thinking about him.
I will, however, cherish the sweet memories and gentle reminders as they come.
