And this is why I call it ramblings...

1. Had the best day yesterday.  I spent the day in a children's hospital with 2 friends and a little boy trying to get answers to a multitude of questions.  Really, it was a great day.  There is something entirely encouraging, invigorating, and fulfilling (and exhausting) to walk with friends down tough roads. I love it.
2. There is sometimes no rhyme or reason why kids turn out a certain way or act a certain way or eat a certain way.  They are baffling.  And parenting is hard.  And awesome.
3.  My list of agencies to call is dwindling.  That makes me nervous cause we're about out of options for the time being. 
4. I am beyond excited to tell anyone who wants to hear on Sunday afternoon about our trip to Haiti.  Beyond!
5. My 4 year old baby is really dirty.  I don't remember the last time I bathed him.  Please don't call SRS on me.  He's really fine.  Just dirty.
6. It has been 8 years since we had an August roll around and NOT be knee deep in football.  I have not even thought about that until a friend asked yesterday.  I know we'll go to a few games this year, but I can't decide if I miss it??  I think I do, but then I realize I haven't thought about it so do I really??
7. School has been going great.  Autumn loves her school, Elijah is doing great at middle school, Cory is moving along homeschooling and Caleb is still alive.  We're all good on that front.

My mind is sufficiently unloaded.  Thank you.

The great unknown and doubt...

As much as I would like to think that we know what we are getting ourselves into with adopting from Haiti, I would be beyond naive to believe that.
It is an endless list of unknowns.  As I'm calling through a large list of agencies and attorneys and scouring the internet for any and all information, I wonder how this is going to work out.  And I wonder if it will...
What if it doesn't?  What if it does?  Why can't it be simplier?  Most agencies are not taking new applications for Haiti because they recently ratified the Hague Convention treaty and everyone is unsure if that will be a good or bad thing for all the orphans.  It would seemingly be a good thing, but it's a big unknown.  Hague accredited agencies only want to use Hague accredited home study services.  Attorneys often don't deal with Hague countries because of the regulations and particulars.  It's complicated.
We're hitting alot of dead ends. 

In a nutshell...

It is not possible. 
There is no "nutshell" for Haiti.
I could (and may) write about our time there for weeks.  Each day was packed full of sites and sounds and people and relationships.
We met incredible people working hard to provide for their families and their neighbors and their communities. 
I am so very tired.  And thirsty.  All the time.
Our children thrived here with my mom and grandma.  She is a rockstar. 
We have started relationships that we hope will last a lifetime.  We have a place that will now always be in our thoughts and prayers and budgets. 
I can't wait to go back.

And away we go...

Tomorrow, early, we'll be on our way to Haiti. 
I think I love a country I've never been to.
I know I love it's children.
I am anxious to go, nervous to leave home and sad to come back already.   
It will go so fast.  I want to let myself pause in each moment. Capture it.
My babies will be well cared for with an army of hands and hearts here at home. 
I am on the brink of tears when I think about how this may change the course of our lives.  With more children, with a family of believers in another country, with an opportunity to be hands on in helping humanity. 
I'm thrilled and terrified...and thrilled. :)

Less then 2 weeks

* We leave for Haiti in less then 2 weeks.
* Elijah will start middle school in less then 2 weeks.
* Autumn is going to school in less then 2 weeks.

         I am excited and nervous for all of these.

I am not by nature a nervous person.  Pretty calm about most things.  The closer this trip to Haiti gets, the more my heart races and I get cold sweats.  I am not worried about any one thing, per se. 
I think about leaving the country.
Without our kids. 
I think about those first days of school for E and A. 
Without me. 
I think about my mom sacrificing 7 days of her busy life to be there in our place. 
I think about how much we will see, breath, speak and love of Haiti. 
I think about how much I will miss our kids.  
I think about how quickly I will be able to get a homestudy done when I get back cause I imagine I will have a sense of urgency about adoption.
Lots of thoughts floating in and out.  Not settling on any one for too long...
I cannot for one second entertain the notion that this trip is not meant to happen.  Too much has happened to make it possible.  Too much has transpired to put us in touch with amazing people in Haiti.
So, so excited...and a little nervous...