The sweet spot of margin

I've settled into what I call the sweet spot.  Not too much, not too little.  This has happened time to time and when I notice it, I realize why I work so hard to get here and wonder how the heck do I ever let myself lose it. I could blame the kids or the husband or all the "things" I "have" to do, but really it's just me and my brain working to find peace amidst chaos or contentment in boredom. Or vice versa.
That sweet spot of margin has always been fluid and the challenge is to be aware and know yourself well enough to fight for the extra room between your walls.
Sometimes I'm really good at it.  Other times...not so much.

With itty bitty babies, endless diapers, nursing, sleepless nights, tantrum filled days, my margin was quickly consumed.  All that baby stuff took over life.  It was all I could do to find a few minutes to pee alone, read alone, sleep alone, often unsuccessfully.  I chose to almost always have a little side job that would allow me time away.  This was often because we needed the extra dollars, but it also made me feel a little more human.  Looking back, I wish I had just settled in those early years and fought like crazy to slow the days down instead of speed them up, fought harder to find peace in the madness, then always looking for a way out.  I know people told me that then, but I didn't care much.  I was too exhausted to want to stay in that stage.  Sad how that is.  My walls of margin were tight and often overflowing and I just.wanted.to.breath.my.own.air.

It felt like I was always in a struggle with my identity, although I didn't really recognize that then.  Who was I?  "Just a mom" wasn't good enough by so many people's, and even my own standards, at times.  I knew myself well enough to know I didn't want a full time job, although some days that looked really appealing.  It was in brief flashes of peace, in times that I had space to breath and think and reflect, that I came to better understand myself and others.  If we're constantly barreling through this life, when do we have time to pause, to let our mind settle into a thought, a prayer, a smile, a friend?

The past few years, I feel like a fog has lifted.  Most nights I sleep uninterrupted.  I can mostly choose what fills my day.  It's not dictated by naps and nursing and diapers.  All 4 kids can somewhat fend for themselves if they are hungry.  They can bathe and shower themselves.  Work the DVD player and TV and get themselves dressed.  I randomly find myself home alone.  I usually take a moment to bask in the silence, but then I miss the noise. 

As all this "kids growing up" gradually happened under my nose a few years ago, I started adding things to my life to the point that I was again well beyond my walls of margin.  I took on a job at our church, I worked the waterpark during the summer, and then started working at what I call "the best job ever" as a barista at a coffee shop.  All that with 3 kids still home during the day, one homeschooled and the youngest still waking up several times a night and going to battle with every day and Chad working long hours.
I was exhausted and it rolled right into fall and winter that way.  I found myself depressed without really knowing it.  Depleted nutritionally without really caring and oblivious to how much I was asking of myself.  I blindly kept rolling through life like that, thinking I was good.  Busy, accomplished, holding it all down.  What I was, was tired with no margin to even see I had pushed myself to the walls and over. 
So I fought back a little.  I tried to eat better, although I still don't eat enough for my activity level, which I'm working on. Last summer, I let go of the church job I was doing poorly anyway, I sent Autumn to school in the fall, Chad's job changed which relieved a good bit of stress, I let go of any solid expectations of schooling Cory and just focused on being his mom, I fought and fought and fought to understand Caleb and how we could parent him better.  Each little step, brought me a teeny bit more margin, space for peace, for a moment to do NOTHING, which we don't do nearly enough of, in my opinion.  It took time to clean out what I had piled into my walls.

So six months ago, we opened our CrossFit gym.  It's success continues to blow us away.  How is that we added a major responsibility and yet I feel like we have settled into the sweet spot?  Partly it's because we love it so it doesn't feel like work.  My coffee shop job came to a close a month ago, which was terribly sad, but was good timing in the "need more margin" category.  Chad's job, which he started last July, creates chunks of time that he is 100% available which is completely foreign to us.  Elijah and Autumn being older and responsible enough to watch Cory and Caleb occasionally is a huge factor. 
But maybe more then anything, it's perspective.  I've been stupid, crazy busy and I don't love it, but it took being in that place to know that.  I can manage it for a time out of necessity, but I much prefer a slower pace.  My house is still not clean, although I probably have the time to clean it.  I still don't make dinner every night, although I'm better then I used to be.  I still get flustered and stressed and forget things and yell, but it's noticeable less then when I'm maxed out of margin.  What I love the most about this sweet spot, is there is space for me to say yes to a friend who needs a ride, a lunch date with Chad, a mid-morning nap after being up at 445am, an afternoon to hang out at a park.  It's the ability to say yes to what I truly feel is valuable.  That's the sweet spot.

It's worth the fight, the mental battle, to find where yours is.  I'm sure it's different then mine.  I'm going to hang onto this one as long as I can.  Summer is fast approaching which means busy kids, but I'm looking forward to it.  I'd like to think we can stay here awhile.  Time will tell, but hopefully I'll see the walls closing in and push back or at least have the sense to ride it out in peace.


 

Words

A few quotes I love and why.

"Stop the glorification of busy."--This one stops me in my tracks instantly.  We live in a world where busy=success, busy=important, busy=valuable. And that's wrong.  I get caught up in that too.  I catch myself being prideful about my busy days.  The ones where I pack too much in and end up tired and stressed, but  oh look at how much I can do.  Ridiculous, but true.  So stop it, I say.   

"You don't have a soul.  You are a soul.  You have a body." C.S. Lewis--I work in a field that focuses on bodies.  Movements patterns, work capacity, exercise is what I have found myself studying and coaching.  Our bodies are not what we are, they are what we have.  Our soul needs as much, if not more, studying and coaching.

"Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." William Morris.--This quote has literally changed my home.  I have to revisit it often to keep it that way.

 "To believe in something and not live it is dishonest."  Gandhi.--Makes me want to nail down what I believe so I can live life honestly.  That takes work.

"Out of clutter find simplicity. From discord find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."  Albert Einstein.--I often exist in clutter, discord and difficulty.  This turns me towards "finding" simplicity, harmony and opportunity.  They don't just show up.  You have to look for them.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19.--There is nothing more powerful then hope.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10.--And hope comes from this place of knowing who is in charge.

Sometimes just a few words I read can change the course of my day.  All of these can do that for me.  Words are so powerful.