Fathers

I've got some blog catching up to do, but today it's a shout out to the dads.

What a monumental job these men have in the lives of their children.  It's not a straightforward, step by step, do this and you're going to be a good dad kind of gig. 
It's messy and confusing and hard some days.

When I look around my life, I see men taking on this task with confidence and determination and a capacity for love that is incredibly endearing. 
My daddy is one of those men.  He has always been the calm in life's storms.  A peaceful, wise counsel.  A beautiful example of loving his children unconditionally.  He is why my standards were so high when I decided to marry my husband.

And speaking of confidence...Chad has taken on fatherhood with a confidence that is contagious.  He doesn't balk at the hard stuff.  As the years have rolled on, he's settled into this gig so amazingly well.  He gets it.  The big picture.  That we're raising adults.  He wants so badly for our children to be good strong Christian examples in the world.  He makes it apart of his conversations, his actions, his choices.   I am so thankful for all he does for our family.  It's impossible to quantify the impact he has in our children's lives.

And still more, I see my father-in-law, my brothers and brothers-in-law, my friend's husbands, all taking on this role so fantastically.  Each one is a shining example of what it means to be a father and I'm so grateful for each one of them.

 

Identity crisis

It's not the first time this has happened.
This unsettled feeling.
It has always happened when dynamics shift and we enter a new stage of life or kids or jobs.
The excitement of a new milestone has passed and the "grind" has set in.
Disclaimer before I continue...I am happy with our decisions of late to start a business, job change for Chad and everything else about the day to day.  This is more about an internal battle, then an unhappiness with my external life.

I have a tendency to just go with the flow.  Basically that is my entire existence and every once in awhile, I catch myself asking "What do you want?"  Its not a question I like to answer, mostly because if I were honest I want just what we have now OR nothing resembling what we have now.  And I can't have both. 
It feels very much like I'm standing in the shadow of someone else's dreams.  I play a part, and some would argue a valuable part, but I'm not leading this pack. 
I don't put up much of a fight for or against things, because I think things always seem to work out, in general.  Even the nasty hard, gut-wrenchingly awful, painfully life-changing stuff.  Those work out too.  I don't really battle for things, which is why I circle around to feeling this way periodically.  I don't know why I am this way, but I am. 
I don't have any real drive or direction or motivation.  We're healthy, happy, and blessed.  Can't ask for much more, but that is exactly what I find myself asking for.  I feel like I'm jumping up and down, waving my hands behind everyone trying to see if anyone wants to know what I want.  Problem is as soon as people turn and ask, I just say, "Oh, never mind.  I don't really know. Carry on."

I married someone who has all the things I don't.  Direction, motivation, ambition, drive.  When you put someone like me with someone who has a goal, an "inner fire", what you get is 2 people doing what the driven one pursues.
And that is where I am. 
I realize that I have had a choice here.  I chose exactly where we are today and I'm glad I did. 
But I am also absolutely certain I would not be doing anything like this if it were just up to me. 
So I wonder about how much of this is really me.  I feel lost in someone else's world. 

Another piece of the puzzle is where we are with kids.  We have older ones.  My time is not entirely dictated by their every breath.  I have spent the past 12 years being a mom to littles.  That is not the case anymore.  This leaves me with time and a bit of freedom.  And I genuinely do not know what to do with it.

I'm grasping.  Wondering who I am and feeling like I don't have any real traction.  Debating on what I should do differently, if anything. 
The reality is I've been down this road before and ultimately nothing changed, but me.  I let go of any plans I entertained and just kept plugging along, swallowed my pride, let go of some resentment, and embraced what I had. 
My greatest fear right now is that I will do the same thing.