Checking out.

My third trip to Haiti is slowly, fast approaching.  I recognize this feeling now.  It is no longer foreign.  I can put words to it, experiences to it and emotions to it.
I'm leaving.  It's a slow fade as the time approaches.  I recognized it that first trip, but it happened much closer to our departure time then.  The flights over and back felt like distinct transitions from my world here to my world there.  Now, though, it's happening again, but sooner.  Over 3 weeks left and I'm finding myself there mentally more often.  My heart and mind feel heavy with anticipation and joy and sadness.  As much joy as it brings me to be in Haiti with my friends, it is not without mental acrobats.  
How is it that I live in such grandeur?  And it is just that, grandeur.
I have a roof that doesn't leak(well, just a bit in one corner), TWO vehicles that run, too much food in my fridge,  too many clothes and shoes, electricity, internet access, cable, not to mention health insurance and safety and freedom and security.  You know, grandeur.  
And, how is it that when I'm in Haiti, I feel such a peace like no other. 
Maybe it is because I get to exist in both worlds.  I can choose to leave here or choose to leave there on a whim.  I have the freedom to be where I want to be when I want to be.  It is an aspect of my grand life I cannot ignore.  So many of my friends in Haiti don't get to choose.  They are there.  Always.  
Maybe I would not think it so peaceful if I had no choices.

Insomnia

I love to sleep.  I find it particularly cruel when sleep does not take over at night.  It's not often that insomnia strikes, but when it does there's not much else to do but write through my jumbled mind.
Disclaimer: It's late so this may not make any sense at all. Forgive the ramblings.

My brain will not shut down. It's jumbled with unspoken conversations that may or may not ever happen.  Words that I want to say, but have to weigh first. 
It's bouncing from one thing--making blankets tomorrow for HOLH orphanage to another, completely unrelated--I need to keep looking on craigslist for a sectional cause our sofa has been broken for several months and I'm tired of sitting on it.  
It's rolling from one friend to another friend to my sisters to my mom to my grandmas to our gym people and everywhere in between.  
It's so desperately wishing to be laying down on a lumpy mattress in a guesthouse just outside Cite Soleil, Haiti, fresh from a cold shower after a long, hot day.
It's rattling off eucharisteo...thanks for the good and the bad and easy and the hard.  
It's racing. Looking for answers to all the hard stuff. The whys of people's actions and the hows of handling it all.  The wondering if things will ever be simple and knowing it's rarely as simple as we'd like it to be.  The value of protecting myself from stress and drama, but allowing grace to mold and shape it all. The battle wages on.
It's settling in. Hopeful for sleep to come and the thoughts to be still. It's praying for a fresh start tomorrow(or today, actually).  It's hoping answers come, one way or another.