Quotes for my new year.

I love words.  They feed something in me.  People have some really lovely things to say.  I need them to shift my focus, adjust my attitude, remind me of what's important.  They invoke something in me that is deep and powerful.
 These are some that are speaking to me right now. (Thank you, Pinterest! :) )

This parenting thing

We've made it no secret that our "baby" Caleb is his own breed of awesome.  With every challenge comes growth and he has made us stretch and grow, people. 
 He is intelligent and funny and fascinating.  He is one of a kind.  He has a mind that operates quickly and often around numbers.  He surprises me every day with what he has learned or what his thoughts revolve around.  He's growing up, maturing and learning quickly.  We love him like crazy.

This past semester was a difficult one for me and in turn put extra responsibilities on Elijah and Autumn.  They handled it well, but it meant Caleb watched entirely too much TV and played on the computer much longer than anyone would recommend.  It kept him occupied and happy while I was away here and there.  
What we have realized is that he needs "things" to do.  His mind must be occupied with activities or he struggles with being angry or frustrated or mean.  So with much thought and prayer, we decided to send him to Kindergarten next semester.  As in a little over a week.  
This is a hard.  I can't give him what he truly needs at this point and that is difficult for me to admit.  Honestly, it's a little bit that I don't want to be his educator and a little bit that I know someone else will do a better job.  He is intimidating in that arena.  Strong-willed, stubborn, and brilliant.  That's too much pressure for me.  So, we're going to pass the baton to some very capable hands.  He will go to half day Kindergarten at a little country school outside of town.  I am excited for him despite his assurance that he is NOT going.  I think he will thrive there.  I pray those few hours each day will teach him many things I feel inadequate or unmotivated to teach him.  
It's so different than what we have done with the other kids, but he is so different so it feels right.  Some serious unknowns up ahead.  I welcome the change and the challenge!

Overdue

Man, this blogging thing is hit or miss, huh?  More miss than hit.
I've noticed it's when I have the most going on in my head that I write the least.

Pick a topic, any topic. 
Activities, relationships, struggles, Christmas, dreams, kids, choices, changes, etc.  I could write a book about any of them from the past 6 weeks.  The overwhelming thread through them has been deep and hidden and difficult.
These have been some of the hardest weeks of my life.  And that's saying something.  I don't really know how to put down the complexity of it all.  Regular life marched on.  School concerts, Christmas shopping and planning, trip to MO, Christmas party at the gym, day to day happenings. Behind it all though. Turmoil. Chad and I have had to come to some serious conclusions about ourselves, our choices, our relationships with each other and others. It was and still is messy and painful and complicated.  Much of it has to do with the past year and was intensified by over 13 years of the way we've operated and the environment that we created with each other. Our lives have been and continue to be wonderful, but it has not been without baggage, some of it quite heavy.
Truth is we are profoundly happy.  And madly in love.  Which makes it all the more hard when you realize you've spent a year speaking different languages.  Believing you understood each other when you didn't.  Never intentionally causing pain, but doing exactly that.
I have surprised even myself with the intensity of my emotions over the past weeks.  I am an intuitive, emotional person and I know myself well.  These past weeks have made me question every aspect of my being.  Question every thought, emotion, choice. I've contemplated how we got here and how to never go to those dark places again.  It has been through painful conversations with Chad, with myself and with God, that I have come to the conclusion that there is no pain quite like anxiety and fear.  It is all consuming, difficult to pull out of and easy to fall into once you have visited it.
I am not naturally fearful or anxious, which is what has surprised me about this particular situation.  I'm the go-along girl. I hold tightly to the 'peace that passes all understanding.'  It is one of my characteristics that is most beneficial in many ways, but leaves me wondering what it is I actually want or need.  I probably say, "whatever" more than any other thing when asked my opinion on things.  Yet, when I felt like my marriage was being threatened, nothing else mattered.  I fought and fought hard.  Sometimes with intensity that shocked me.  I was not going to "go along" for the sake of getting along anymore.
And in the places that had always felt secure, insecurity settled.  In my most peaceful places, anxiety arose.  I felt I had no voice, no choice in the matter that mattered most to me.  I was painted as overprotective, manipulative, controlling.  Unfair at best and untrue at worst.
It's been a long few weeks but it's getting better.  I still fight an anxiety that feels so foreign to me some days.  I'm working on sustaining peace in all things. Trusting God to take charge of me and our relationship with each other and others.  Chad and I are better than we have ever been.  We have established boundaries around ourselves that we both agree have been missing, especially this last year with opening the gym, new job, new people, older kids.  We've had to look at ourselves honestly and see where we failed each other.  I don't imagine we're done growing and I'm glad. I don't want to stay stagnant.  We need to keep growing however painful and we will.  This chapter is still being written, but I am more confident in the Author than ever.