Overdue

Man, this blogging thing is hit or miss, huh?  More miss than hit.
I've noticed it's when I have the most going on in my head that I write the least.

Pick a topic, any topic. 
Activities, relationships, struggles, Christmas, dreams, kids, choices, changes, etc.  I could write a book about any of them from the past 6 weeks.  The overwhelming thread through them has been deep and hidden and difficult.
These have been some of the hardest weeks of my life.  And that's saying something.  I don't really know how to put down the complexity of it all.  Regular life marched on.  School concerts, Christmas shopping and planning, trip to MO, Christmas party at the gym, day to day happenings. Behind it all though. Turmoil. Chad and I have had to come to some serious conclusions about ourselves, our choices, our relationships with each other and others. It was and still is messy and painful and complicated.  Much of it has to do with the past year and was intensified by over 13 years of the way we've operated and the environment that we created with each other. Our lives have been and continue to be wonderful, but it has not been without baggage, some of it quite heavy.
Truth is we are profoundly happy.  And madly in love.  Which makes it all the more hard when you realize you've spent a year speaking different languages.  Believing you understood each other when you didn't.  Never intentionally causing pain, but doing exactly that.
I have surprised even myself with the intensity of my emotions over the past weeks.  I am an intuitive, emotional person and I know myself well.  These past weeks have made me question every aspect of my being.  Question every thought, emotion, choice. I've contemplated how we got here and how to never go to those dark places again.  It has been through painful conversations with Chad, with myself and with God, that I have come to the conclusion that there is no pain quite like anxiety and fear.  It is all consuming, difficult to pull out of and easy to fall into once you have visited it.
I am not naturally fearful or anxious, which is what has surprised me about this particular situation.  I'm the go-along girl. I hold tightly to the 'peace that passes all understanding.'  It is one of my characteristics that is most beneficial in many ways, but leaves me wondering what it is I actually want or need.  I probably say, "whatever" more than any other thing when asked my opinion on things.  Yet, when I felt like my marriage was being threatened, nothing else mattered.  I fought and fought hard.  Sometimes with intensity that shocked me.  I was not going to "go along" for the sake of getting along anymore.
And in the places that had always felt secure, insecurity settled.  In my most peaceful places, anxiety arose.  I felt I had no voice, no choice in the matter that mattered most to me.  I was painted as overprotective, manipulative, controlling.  Unfair at best and untrue at worst.
It's been a long few weeks but it's getting better.  I still fight an anxiety that feels so foreign to me some days.  I'm working on sustaining peace in all things. Trusting God to take charge of me and our relationship with each other and others.  Chad and I are better than we have ever been.  We have established boundaries around ourselves that we both agree have been missing, especially this last year with opening the gym, new job, new people, older kids.  We've had to look at ourselves honestly and see where we failed each other.  I don't imagine we're done growing and I'm glad. I don't want to stay stagnant.  We need to keep growing however painful and we will.  This chapter is still being written, but I am more confident in the Author than ever.