Who you are and what you do

What is it about identity that can be so complicated? 
Who am I? When asked, I think I often say what I strive to be or what I want others to perceive me to be, but that's not always accurate.  I don't think I can truly be who I desire to be until I recognize who I am right now.  The good things, the bad things, the the mediocre things.
Hopefully, we're all an ever changing landscape on our way to becoming more like Christ.  A little tweek here, a shift in perspective there.
That being said, how does that translate into what I do.  I believe who we are should permeate what we do, but what we do cannot be who we are.  I say should, knowing full well that that is easier said than done.  It takes effort, failures, successes and stumbles. I still stumbling along with this one.
If someone asked me over the years in an effort to find out a little bit about who I am, "what do you do?",  my answer could have been a student, a basketball player, a secretary,  a Mary Kay consultant, a volleyball and basketball coach, a church secretary, a barista and currently a CrossFit coach/athlete.  The problem with that is I am not any of those things.  Those were and are things I do.  Each of those things were or are a large part of my life.  They help me grow and change. They provided me opportunities to interact and engage with all kinds of people.  I enjoyed each one and truly enjoy my current job as a CrossFit coach.  But, the what we do/who we are battle is an important difference and one that cannot be overlooked if we're striving for balance.  It's easy to get wrapped in what we do and let it define us. 
I genuinely loved each one of those opportunities. Occasionally I let myself get so wrapped up in one or another that I have confused it for my identity.  Once that happened, though, it lost it's luster. The job became a job and it no longer held my attention.  I learned more and more at each turn that I am defined by my Creator alone.  We cannot be defined by what we choose to fill our time with.  Let who you are permeate what you do, regardless of what that is.  Be passionate about what you spend your time doing.  Enjoy it. Embrace it.  But always remember it is not who you are.  
I am always striving to remember that I am a child of God first and my words and actions should reflect that(should, but don't often enough for me to wonder why He still wants me on His team). Whatever other circumstance or position I am in is merely that, a circumstance or position.  Who I am must rise above whatever those are today, tomorrow or always.

Tattoo

I really like tattoos. On other people. 

I'm really picky about what kinds of tattoos I like so was sure I would never get one.  I'm drawn to words, always.  Or flowers and lace.  Sleeves on guys are so awesome, but I'm picky about those too.  The more I looked at tattoos the fewer I really liked.

And then a few years ago, a verse I'd always relied on to settle my soul came to mind again. 
Psalm 46:10.  Be still and know that I am God.  
It didn't matter what chaos surrounded me externally or what chaos swirled internally, those simple words worked.  Every time.  They are true and they are powerful to me.  And so it became my mantra. Be still.  Be still.  Be still.  Sometimes it was a whisper to quiet my mind and sometimes it came as a stern command. Like, "Knock it off with the worrying!"
Either way it was and is a part of my inner dialogue.
It was the only thing that I could imagine with me permanently.  So it developed from there.
My dad has the best handwriting.  It's font-worthy.  I wanted it in his handwriting.  He has always been a calming presence in my life. A beautiful example of that verse.
I wanted it someplace that was meaningful.  Along my hairline, going into my ear. A whisper or a command.  
I never wanted a tattoo to remind me of something or someone.  I never wanted a tattoo to commemorate anything.  If I was going to have a tattoo, it needed to be something that was already a part of me.  And this is.
So, it came to be the tattoo I never thought I would want.
Before Christmas this year, Chad mentioned getting tattoos for each other as gifts.  I just laughed cause he has never really talked about getting a tattoo so I thought he was joking.  He made it through the Navy and deployments without getting a tattoo, which is rare.  But, he wasn't joking and he had a good idea of what he wanted so I said, sure and just like that we joined the ever growing ranks of the tatted.

 

I don't have any desire to get another one and Chad has said the same, but I'm wondering if I could convince him to keep going on up his shoulder and down his arm... 

It comes to this.

Bullet points.  Why do I default to writing in bullet points?  If I could get myself to actually write more than once a week, bullet points would not seem necessary, but alas, it is where I am.  My thoughts reduced to bullet points. 

* Caleb is doing really well at school.  

We had one major meltdown day that consisted of me leaving him crying and then going to pick him up 30 minutes later cause he wouldn't calm down.  He took a nap that day and was kinda crummy feeling so I'm chalking it up on him being sick!   Otherwise, he is making headway reading and is mostly excited to go each day. He has managed to time his bowel movements on several days to be the moment he gets to school, so that's been fun.  You're welcome for that information.

*Getting a dog was an awesome decision.  Xena has become such a part of the family that I don't really remember what it was like before having her.  

*Chad and I got tattoos.

 I was going to write a whole post about it and I may still, but the long and short of it is, we're happy we did it.  I love mine and my mom said it best..."It's tattooed on my heart, too."  So true, Momma. 

*We had 3 teams from the gym travel to Omaha a few weekends ago for a CrossFit competition.

 I was not planning on competing but circumstances changed so I ended up doing it and I am glad I did.  My team was awesome and we had a great time.  I had a good bit of anxiety leading up to it, but was really happy with how the weekend turned out.  I got to spend some much needed time with some of my family too!

* On that note, my brother Jake is writing a book about our family and our loss of Luke 11 years ago.

 He is going to be interviewing each of the siblings and our parents.  I am excited and scared.  There is a good bit of baggage from that time in my life and I've left it somewhat untouched for quite some time.  The past month or more has been exceedingly difficult for many reasons and it has shown me to some degree how losing Luke and the circumstances surrounding that time have affected how I deal with stress and my relationships.  I'm ready to unpack all that and Jake will be a wonderful person to do that with.

* People and relationships can be complicated.  We deal with a wide range of people on a daily basis at the gym.  It is one of the things I love and one of the things that can be the most difficult. We've had to make some tough choices this past month and it has made us more aware than usual of our words and actions and how those need to match.  I am a firm believer that words only care weight when they match our actions.  We have repeatedly tried to make sure those are one and the same.  That has required us to say less and do more. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all and let actions speak for us.  Our gym is a valuable part of our lives and we take it and our members seriously.  It has been a bit of a complicated transition, but we are stronger and tighter as a community than ever and I'm so proud of our people.

*Haiti, Haiti, Haiti.  It's on my brain, my heart all the time. 

Here are a few reasons!

 And, I miss my friend, Josie!

Mathou and Roby!

Plus Junior who didn't make it in the picture!

And if I needed any more reasons.

 We're going in April and it's all I can do to not put together a paper chain or mark the days off the calendar or something to help me with a countdown.

Brain dumped.  Peace out.