Teenager goes away and baby turns 6

Big E left us for a few weeks.  He turned 13 last February which made him old enough to de-tassel corn in Nebraska.  For a 13 year old with empty pockets, the potential cash was far more appealing than the warnings of early mornings, hot sun, and muddy fields.
He had his last basketball tournament July 13th and started work on the 15th.  I loaded him up with food and snacks and clothes and shoes to destroy and hauled him on up to Beaver Crossing.  We are fortunate to have Chad's awesome sister and family there, who have been detasseling for years and would put E up and feed him and get him to work.  
And then I left.  I left him, knowing it would be at least two weeks before we would see him again.  It made my heart hurt.  I like him and his absence left a hole in our family that you just can't shake. We all missed him.  The time moved quickly, but each day, I had moments when I just hurt a little, missing him.  This past weekend I was in Kansas City and my rockstar sister was able to get him to me so I wouldn't have to drive up to Nebraska to get him.  That first hug felt so good and then he started talking and talked and talked about the days.  He made such good memories with cousins and new friends.  He wants to go back next year.  I am so thankful he doesn't balk at hard work, that he is responsible enough to leave at 13, and that he still misses us when he's gone.  

Saturday was Baby's 6th birthday.  I'm not sure if I'll ever stop calling him my baby.  He hates it so I can only refer to him as such when he's out of earshot.  Ugh.  Anyone who knows us or reads this or has met Caleb knows he's walking to the beat of his own drum.  He is a non-conformist.  A vocal dissenter.  A passionate advocate of what he wants.  And many other things.  I use to think these were not exactly negatives, but certainly not positives.  He is changing my mind.  These are positives.  Through and through. What I often view as defiant stubbornness, is a quality that drives him to understand the whys of his world.  He will not just toe the line for the sake of toeing the line.  He wants to know why. Always why.  I'm finding out that so much of how his brain is wired affects how he behaves.  I cannot imagine the speed at which he is thinking thoughts.  Constantly gaining more input and therefore needing more output.  His thoughts are on the table for the world to hear and see.  He is a game-changer.  I am anxious to see what he will do with these qualities.
He still says the funniest things and has the greatest little lisp.  "Pretta much..." or "Ax-ually" preface nearly every sentence.  It makes me smile.  We're taking him to Legoland this weekend for his birthday present.  When I asked him if he would rather have Chad or I take  him through(because oh.my.goodness. I do not want to pay for both us to go through because oh.my.goodness. it's expensive and not exactly enjoyable for adults), he said, "Pretta much, it's like the same cause sometimes you're mean and sometimes you're nice and Dad is sometimes mean and sometimes nice so pretta much it's the same so I don't care."  Good to know Chad and I are equal in the parenting department.
You know, six isn't really that little anymore, but he still snuggles with me sometimes or wants to be close and hug me and I just kinda want to pause and soak it all in.  And cry a little.  I don't want to go back to his tiny years cause I'm so excited for the coming years, but there is something so precious about that time.  It gets me all choked up.

Maybe, just maybe

We got a simple email and my heart swelled and my eyes welled up and I hoped.  I hoped for just a second, then another second.  

We've been sitting on the adoption thing for about 2 years now.  It has mostly felt like a longing.  Nothing tangible.  No timeline or path.  No, if you do x, y and z, it will work out.  Just a gentle push to keep going.  Keep building relationships, regardless of outcome. Keep visiting and loving and caring for the children and for Josie, even if that's the extent of our "adoption."  And all along, I kept that hope tucked away, waiting for the next good news.

The email was this...that most likely, provided the inspection of the orphanage goes well and I CANNOT imagine it not because it is just immaculate and Josie is incredible and loving and the kids are so kind and polite and a hundred other reasons, they will have their creche license by October or November.  At that point, they find an US agency to partner with and then we start our process. It's a timeline or as close to one as we've had.  It's a real, tangible piece of paper that says it's possible for us to adopt from this orphanage.  It was what we have hoped for from the beginning. Just a shot.  A chance to see if this can happen.  I'm not holding out any certainty because I just can't be sure.  I could say I was sure that the end result was an adoption of the siblings we have prayed for, but I'd be lying.  I'm not sure.  We're taking each step as it comes, never certain that the next one will go like we want.  

But, wow, hope feels so good.

Little changes

Update:
Went to the Verizon store and apparently, "downgrading" your phone still requires you to "upgrade" i.e pay money.  So in order to save money, I'd have to sell my phone for $400+ to pay it off and then buy a different phone.  So there ya go.

We came home from vacation and the next day I deactivated my Facebook.  Clearly this is not a monumental event, but for whatever reason in our current culture, it is.  
Today I'm going to "downgrade" from an Iphone to a basic phone. Again, not monumental, or at least shouldn't be.  But I'd be lying if I didn't say it feels like I'm giving up a part of what's necessary to exist. And that's exactly why I'm doing it.
Maybe you're not like me.  Maybe you don't pick up your phone all day long looking for something to occupy your brain.  Maybe you don't spend a good chunk of any given hour on Facebook, scrolling, scrolling, clicking, reading, assuming.  Maybe you don't look at your phone bill each month and choke and justify it and then realize there is no justification for spending $3000 a year on phones.  Maybe you don't rely on Facebook as a pseudo representation of your friends, but in reality you only actually speak to or see a handful in any given week.  Maybe you have actually talked to and called those friends whose pictures you like or comment on.  Maybe you're not like me.  I'm not a good Facebook friend.  I want to feel like I have something to tell you when I see you that I didn't post on Facebook for the world to see. I want to have a reason to call or visit because I don't already know everything that is going on.  I just want real.  And I'm not saying Facebook isn't "real" cause it can be, but it feels like a cop out on having and being friends.  There is no way I could be a real friend to my friends' list.  It's not possible.  So I decided I'd like to stop pretending I could be and focus on being a good friend to those I encounter every day.  I decided witnessing interactions on Facebook and assuming certain things or letting certain interactions bother me wasn't worth it in the grand scheme of life. I wanted to be "left alone" from the constant processing, constant pull to comment or like or see who commented or liked, or whatever is deemed good and right in Facebook land.  I needed to be alone.
And I have been "alone" with myself quite a bit these past weeks. Oh, I still disengage and scroll through Pinterest or Twitter or Instagram. So I'm not exactly standing on my soapbox about Facebook with any real dignity.  But, the information processing has slowed down. I've read books, which I haven't been able to do in awhile. Books had been too slow and cumbersome, compared to a scroll through Facebook.  I've just sat on the porch at times and thought thoughts.  Some deep and others not so deep.  I'm hoping my kids see me without my phone in my face all day long. Hoping.
I'd like to think it's for the better.  That I'm more present.  That I'm not looking for a distraction at every turn.  That I'm not privy to hundreds of other people's thoughts or opinions and that that is all ok.
So, with that little change, I hope it leads somewhere meaningful, but if not, that's ok too.  

Wedding festivities

  

In my humble opinion, weddings are awesome.  I love them.  They are all the better when they involve people you love.
When we took our big road trip, the purpose was to attend my brother Gabe's wedding.  That was the grand finale.  The why and when of what sent us out on the road.
He had asked Cory to be the ring bearer and we weighed just Cory and I going, but the pull of an East Coast road trip with the whole family was too much so we decided to do the whole big thing.

The wedding was simple and elegant and so beautiful and most definitely the fastest ceremony I have ever been to.  It was just right for Gabe and Liz.  The food all weekend was incredible.  I daydream about it sometimes.  They did a perfect job of throwing a great party!
Seeing as the rehearsal was on the 4th of July, we just couldn't not dress accordingly.  Don't be jealous of my rocking dress.  It took a sweet find in a consignment store, some spray paint and stickers to get that look.  

 Grace, Liz and I. 

        'MERICA

Goob with Mom and Dad

THE WHOLE CREW 

Not gonna lie...I have some good lookin' brothers.

                                                                                                                                     

Josh helping Cory with his tie.

Auntie Grace and Cory.

 These two deserve a post all their own.  Phil, my dad's cousin, and his wife Lynn are quite possibly the coolest people we know.  They live in Wisconsin and have always made an effort to make it to family things.  Lynn is handicapped and requires a wheelchair, but nothing stops these two.  Not only do they drive all over the country to show us their love, they bring with them loads of laughs.  The best part of the evening was watching Phil wheel Lynn out to the dance floor and slow dance and fast dance and have a blast. It was beautiful.  I love them.

   

Cory and the sweet flower girl, Precious.

  

The boys with the girl.

With a family the size of mine, you can imagine how often it works out to get all the siblings together.  Almost never.  This was a rare occasion in which all 9 of us were present and accounted for. We're all mostly adults and we have really not spent much time together the past decade.  I would imagine that I am not quite who my siblings think me to be and vice versa.  What I was most looking forward to and really what I enjoyed the most, was getting to spend actual time hanging out with these people I share DNA with.  We're not the same people we were 10 or 15 years ago, yet, it was all too familiar to sit around and talk and laugh and goof around.  I can't even quite explain the flow of conversation, the ease of being together.  I loved it.  Every bit of it and I can't wait to do it again.  

I have gorgeous sisters.

 

We love Isaac.

Uncle Seth and Little A

 

The cover of our album.  We're starting a band. 

One more thing.  

 We tend to discuss things of real importance and although we often disagree or rather need the last word, we interject politely with "yes, I can see where you are coming from, but I just have ONE MORE THING..."

And so the weekend, went...
So "one more thing" seemed a fitting band name.
This band will never actually exist, but we have a kick ass album cover.

 *****************************************************

There were so many great pictures from the weekend!  Here are a few more!

Jake and I. Love him.

Oh my goodness. Caleb was so adorable I could cry.

 We managed to get Elijah into a tie!!

Cory helping Caleb with his hair.  A rare sweet moment between them.

Mr and Mrs. Gabe and Liz Dahlke!

Happy 4th of July!

*************************************************************************

And just one more...

This picture creates a whole host of emotions for me.  I love each one of them so much. I miss seeing Luke.  I am profoundly thankful to be part of a family that is so kind and thoughtful and funny. I am grateful my parents saw it good and right to raise ten children. I'm very much looking forward to getting old with these people.

Until next time...

Road trippin'

I could probably write several posts about our week on the road. Informational posts, sentimental posts, ranting posts.  They may all come along, but for now, I'm going to stick to a rundown of the activities and hopefully I can get some deeper thoughts down later this week.  Cause you know I have some...

This was our first major vacation with all four kids.  The x-factor in it's success was Caleb, of course.  Would he survive the endless hours in the car?  Would we survive the endless hours in the car with him?  Would the late nights, weird schedules, new people throw him all out of whack?  I am happy and surprised to report that Caleb is a "vacationer."  He did awesome.  He loved it.  Well, according to him, "it was pretty fun, but not really that fun and he liked it, but not really liked it and some of the days might have been his "best days ever" but he's really not sure."  So, that's a win, folks!
We packed up and left around 630 on Sunday night and drove all the way through to Virginia Beach.  It was a good call and we managed to get there in one piece, with some patience to spare and not completely exhausted.  Pulling up to Boxford, the lovingly named home of Katy and Adam, felt great!  Those two are just great and they have the sweetest little girls.  
Being in Virginia Beach made us nostalgic and made us question why we ever moved and made us wonder if we should go back and made us talk about life and choices and everything in between. (We aren't moving back any time soon.)
We spent one glorious day in downtown Norfolk visiting the Hampton Roads Museum and had dinner at Caroline's and walked the boardwalk in Virginia Beach.  The kids dipped their toes and then entire fully clothed bodies into the ocean.  They loved it. They took it in and instantly fell in love.  I know the feeling.

The next day was spent firmly planted next to the ocean.  It's magical.  The kids loved the water and spent the afternoon boogie boarding.  Sunshine so much glorious sunshine.  A lunch break for fish tacos and a margarita at Pelan's and back out to the sunshine made for a perfect day. All in all, so sad to step off the beach not knowing when we'd be back.
Our last evening at Katy and Adam's was spent laughing and talking and watching stupid videos on Youtube! Perfect.  There is something so wonderful about spending time with people who were a part of our early lives together.  We share a connection to a time and place that I know we both hold dear.
Our day in D.C was really incredible.  What a beautiful city!  It was hot and muggy, but the kids powered through with only minimal excessive whining and bored expressions.  I may or may not have said at one point that if someone looked at them, they would think we were torturing them instead of giving them the fabulous experience of history and awe-inspiring perspective.
Well, we made it to the Lincoln Memorial, which is my favorite, and started back to our car when the wind picked up and the temperature dropped.  It was an impressive storm moving in.  We hauled back as fast as we could and jumped in our car just as it started to downpour. 
Our drive to Frederick was longer than expected due to the weather and the traffic, but we hit the beds that night, tired and happy.
The following morning was spent in Gettysburg before heading to State College for the wedding.  Gettysburg is beautiful and so full of history.  Almost too much.  Chad has always wanted to visit but there was just too much too see in the time we had.  I'm guessing we make it back there someday.
The weekend festivities deserve a post of their own...