I'm sitting at my parents's house this first day of 2016 and despite my best efforts to avoid thinking about the past year too much or contemplating the coming year too much, I am doing both.
It's not that it wasn't a good year or that the coming year won't be full of wonderful things and memories, its just that there is a cloud around me lately that I can't quite shake.
This time of year I usually attribute this feeling to seasonal depression. And that may be all it is, but something isn't settling well deep with in me and I'd like to find out what it is that leaves me feeling just a little sad despite the joys, a little distant despite the proximity of so much good.
So here's the good that resides in my life...
I have a husband that pursues me and fights for me. It's miraculous, really. As much fun as I can be, I can be just as un-fun and he sticks in it with me and encourages me to keep plugging along. And isn't that what we signed up for? Isn't that what marriage should be? Yes, but the reality is not everyone gets that so consistently and I do and I think that's a gift.
I have an oldest son who is a product of two very, very young people who thought tackling parenthood early and often was no big thing. He is entering the age and stage that I find myself in love with. I love these teenage years. He is quiet and calm and funny and kind. I see him as evidence of so much grace. So much trial and error. He is gone more than he is home these days with St. Paul as his primary residence now. I get asked often how he is doing or how I'm doing and I have to say, we're so good. Am I sad without him home? Yes. Does he miss home like crazy? Yes. Do those things make us think we aren't doing the right thing? Sometimes. We see him thriving and connecting and growing there and it keeps us moving forward. We're happy to see him independent and responsible at such a young age. It makes those 20 year old parents feel better about themselves.
I have a daughter that makes me so proud and so scared and so happy. She is all the good things that I am not. She is task driven and organized and loves to sing and dance. She is neat and tidy and loves bright colors. She bakes and cleans. And none of those things trump her thoughtfulness. I am in awe of how easily she thinks of others. How much she cares for those she loves. I wonder what she'll do, how she'll make an impact. She is not bothered by social status, popularity, or what is "cool." She gravitates towards people who are loyal and kind. She is a beautiful soul and I'm anxious and nervous to see how she blooms in her world.
I have a middle son who makes my heart melt. He is quiet and goofy. He sees space and color and creates things. He loves basketball thanks to his big brother. He feels deeply. He is a namesake for our two brothers who passed. I don't know if that affects us somehow each time we say his full name, but we say it often. He is so smart, but unassuming in it. I don't know if he fully understands his potential yet. I love his sense of humor(it is much like his dad's...under his breath and more for himself than an audience). I can just look at him and feel happiness. I wonder if he knows he has that kind of power. To make others feel good in his presence. The world needs that.
And our baby boy. With great difficulty comes great love, right? He loves to think big and live big and dream. He loves to play games and ask questions and find answers. He finds joy in giving gifts. He is brilliant in a way that makes me nervous. I am often in awe, good or bad, of this little powerhouse of a person. He confuses me daily, challenges me sometimes hourly and makes me want the biggest and best things of life for him. I want him to feel loved, show love and care about people more than I want anything else in this world. I am most proud of him when I see flashes of love in him, even when he won't acknowledge it for what it is. He doesn't see, hear, or feel his world like most people do. I am trying so hard to understand this and give him the tools to navigate well. I fail many, many days. I have cried more tears over him, been more frustrated as a parent with him and am more sure than ever that I don't know what I'm doing most days. And I can't help but think that this stage of parenting is preparing us all for what lies ahead.
We have children in Haiti that we don't yet know. We don't know what challenges will come, what heartbreak awaits. We are anxious to find out.
The good goes on and on...from our families that are such a firm foundation to grow from, to our friends who have entered our lives just when we needed them, to a business that provides constant challenges and opportunities for growth with each other and our member. The good is far and wide and so I want to search for the origin of the unsettled feeling I have and try to understand it.
I want to let go of some things that I've held on to this past year. Some hurts that still rise up. Some relationships that I want to reinstate and strength and some that may need to wane. I want to grow in Christ where I sometimes feel a void. I want to see Him where I know He is. The unsettled feels less so when I'm aware of that.
A new year can't help but make us reflect. I wonder why I fight it sometimes.
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