I have had ALOT of jobs in my short adult life...daycare sub in Pensacola, Mary Kay consultant for too many years in Virginia and Joplin, elementary/middle school volleyball and basketball coach in Joplin, ad stuffer for the newspaper in McPherson, YMCA volleyball ref, waterpark admissions, church secretary, my favorite-barista at Kettle Creek, and my latest being CrossFit trainer.
That's a good bit of experience under my belt. A lot of people to encounter and work with. Each one served a very distinct purpose for where we were in our lives and what we felt like I needed to do either to have some time for myself or to add a little to our income. I can't say I regret any of them. I learned so much from each one about myself and about others.
It is the first time in many years that I will be a one "job" momma.
Today is the last day that Kettle Creek Coffeehouse will be open and I think I may be in denial about what that means. For the past two and a half years, I have happily gotten up to work a few morning hours in what quickly became a haven. I was so excited to start working there. It seemed like the perfect combination of things I enjoy. Coffee, people, and conversation. What I didn't anticipate is how quickly I would become attached to the people.
Joan and Walt immediately made me feel at home. I remember those first few weeks/months of asking Joan how to make this or that, how much certain things were, if we could even fulfill some of the orders customers had. Soon, it all became second nature and the customers became friends and Joan and Walt became family. I have spent hours talking with Joan about EVERYTHING. I am certain we left no stone unturned whether it be family, society, politics, religion and on. We hit it all over the years. I couldn't have asked for a better, more understanding and loving person to spend my mornings with. She loved on my kids, let them feel like Kettle Creek was there second home, and was always accommodating to my often unpredictable life with littles. She was often the first to hear about sick kids, potential job changes, drama with family or friends, and all things in between. I will wholeheartedly miss those daily conversations.
The customers, too, became apart of my life. I looked forward to seeing them each morning, knowing their orders, and talking about our lives. Eldon was the first to engage in conversation about McPherson football, my kids, his granddaughters and on. He soon brought Marc, who quickly became and still is a good friend. Les, recently widowed, was there each morning with a smile, a hug, poetry, art and a beautiful story about his life well lived. Pat and her sister and mom or her husband spending time chatting and catching up. Friends would often come in and spend time on the couches, strengthening those relationships. Business meetings were held, acquaintances became friends, babies were brought in to show off, engagements, marriages, births, deaths and all things in between were shared. It was a safe, special place for many, myself included.
I know Joan and Walt are ready to move on to other things and I will be forever thankful that I was a small part of the past few years at Kettle Creek.
It truly has been the best job that never once felt like work.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Warfare
The fight is on. I am constantly battling to mix the perfect cocktail of all the things I love. It's a bloody fight sometimes and there are at times, casualties, and most of the time that is me.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
More often then not, it's a slow bleed. One more thing gets added. Seemingly harmless. Usually something I feel is valuable and deserving of my time and attention. Then, the days start to fly by without real pause. I find myself wanting to escape from day to day life. Then, it starts to crumble because I get tired and frustrated and I can't figure out why I feel so yuck all the time. When I get going like this, any reading, whether Bible or otherwise is forgotten. It's been replaced by my smartphone apps and Facebook. Conversations revolve around who has to be where at what time and meals and cleaning slide to the point that I wonder if people knew how much I sucked at housework and cleaning they would still be my friend. Pretty soon, I'm annoyed constantly with the incredible not so little people that have been entrusted to my care because they require so much stinkin' work and quite frankly the man I will spend the rest of my life loving, can do no right. And, I think that I just need a drink, or a night out, or a day alone or something for ME. By this point, I'm 2 or 3 meltdowns in, wondering what the heck happened to my life. I didn't want it this way.
What happened? Why am I so unhappy? This would seem like a logistics problem, right? Too much on the calendar. Not enough ME time. I like to talk about my life as being a logistics nightmare, but the reality is, it's not. I'm no busier then any other person and I don't need me time. I spend every day with me and I'm not all that fun lately. We all have the same amount of time. We just choose differently and I'm terribly disappointed with my choices lately.
And so it does come back to me, oddly enough. I must die just a little bit more to myself and lay my life back where it belongs, at His feet. I come to terms yet again, that this is not about logistics, it's about my heart and what corner of it is holding onto pride and self-reliance and greed and envy. And I feel yuck again because I don't want to be like me. I'm not very nice when left to my own devices. I want to be like Him.
So, I get picked up again, brushed off and reminded that I get another shot. My days may look exactly the same with just as many "logistics", but I want my heart different. And, in order, for that to happen, I need time with the ultimate Heart Surgeon.
I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I really get it. That life is better run under His care. That I don't do well running on my own.
I love my life, but it runs so much better when I remember Who's behind the wheel. Hands are off the wheel and I'm sliding into the backseat.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
More often then not, it's a slow bleed. One more thing gets added. Seemingly harmless. Usually something I feel is valuable and deserving of my time and attention. Then, the days start to fly by without real pause. I find myself wanting to escape from day to day life. Then, it starts to crumble because I get tired and frustrated and I can't figure out why I feel so yuck all the time. When I get going like this, any reading, whether Bible or otherwise is forgotten. It's been replaced by my smartphone apps and Facebook. Conversations revolve around who has to be where at what time and meals and cleaning slide to the point that I wonder if people knew how much I sucked at housework and cleaning they would still be my friend. Pretty soon, I'm annoyed constantly with the incredible not so little people that have been entrusted to my care because they require so much stinkin' work and quite frankly the man I will spend the rest of my life loving, can do no right. And, I think that I just need a drink, or a night out, or a day alone or something for ME. By this point, I'm 2 or 3 meltdowns in, wondering what the heck happened to my life. I didn't want it this way.
What happened? Why am I so unhappy? This would seem like a logistics problem, right? Too much on the calendar. Not enough ME time. I like to talk about my life as being a logistics nightmare, but the reality is, it's not. I'm no busier then any other person and I don't need me time. I spend every day with me and I'm not all that fun lately. We all have the same amount of time. We just choose differently and I'm terribly disappointed with my choices lately.
And so it does come back to me, oddly enough. I must die just a little bit more to myself and lay my life back where it belongs, at His feet. I come to terms yet again, that this is not about logistics, it's about my heart and what corner of it is holding onto pride and self-reliance and greed and envy. And I feel yuck again because I don't want to be like me. I'm not very nice when left to my own devices. I want to be like Him.
So, I get picked up again, brushed off and reminded that I get another shot. My days may look exactly the same with just as many "logistics", but I want my heart different. And, in order, for that to happen, I need time with the ultimate Heart Surgeon.
I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I really get it. That life is better run under His care. That I don't do well running on my own.
I love my life, but it runs so much better when I remember Who's behind the wheel. Hands are off the wheel and I'm sliding into the backseat.
Friday, March 1, 2013
One more rep
My head has been in some deep places the past few weeks upon returning from Haiti. I found myself having a difficult time caring about much of anything. My house will attest to that fact, my refrigerator will attest to that, and my workouts will attest to that. I kept finding myself saying, "I don't care" to everything.
I didn't mentally check out entirely from life, but I'm not sure that I wouldn't have without the gym and my family. Something about a screeching 4 year old or a class full of people that pulls you away from any mental break you were taking.
Between the screeches though, I found myself waffling between trying to figure out if I even want to try to care or if this kind of mental lapse of motivation was actually a good thing.
I'm not entirely convinced either way at this point.
No motivation means no goals which means no failure. Safety in it's truest form. No motivation means slipping into an almost robotic existence, which I can at least see the benefit of for a short period of time.
When you run a CrossFit gym, lack of motivation is not exactly something you want to broadcast. But if there is one thing I love about people it is there ability to show their weaknesses and right now, I am weak. I'm worn down from wanting so desperately to be in two places. I'm worn down from loving babies from so far away. I'm worn down from battling a tough little boy for 4 years. I'm worn down with all the pain I see in friends' lives. I've had several conversations with friends and family over the past few days about some really tough stuff. The kind of stuff that makes you want to curl up in the fetal position. The strength and sorrow I've seen in these friends' eyes reminds me that experiencing painful emotions and battling through the dark places, is a worthy goal. And often its the most important goal because it gives us courage to face the next unseen battle.
In my current lackadaisical state, I have still seen some profound correlations between what I get to do on a daily basis as a CrossFit coach and life in general. The farther we get into this adventure, the more I realize why I love it so much.
It is for the mental PRs. Both in myself and in others.
I do not have any major fitness goals. I want to get better. Period. However that looks, is ok with me. The lack of a solid goal can be a disadvantage, but what it allows me to do is be able to make room for other people's goals. I haven't figured out how to do both yet.
So I choose, for now, these friends who show up every day and work so hard to be better, physically. What I have seen in my CrossFit experience, and what I hope to see in each of our friends, is that our mental fitness gains match our physical fitness gains.
There is so much about body image, and courage, and humility, and acceptance that I have made incredible improvements on. I hope I'm not done yet, but I find myself wanting others to grasp this priceless aspect of CrossFit because of how it helps you deal with what life is certain to throw your way.
I put a whole lot of effort into helping each person improve their fitness level, but if I can have one conversation, one encouraging word that helps to rewire their brain, I consider that a PR.
So much of what we battle in day to day life, is replicated in a CrossFit WOD. The ability to keep moving, one rep at a time, is a priceless life skill. To learn to work when we're weary is difficult to teach, but is practiced in CrossFit. To learn how to manage your rest time and your work time is the difference between failing and finishing. To finish a WOD through tears, reminds us that we're human and life can get the best of us. And having a community of people that are invested in you as an individual, not as a member on the books, is a solid feeling to take out into the world.
We cannot know what tomorrow will hold, but I will always be thankful that the time and effort put into CrossFit has reaped both physical and mental benefits.
I CrossFit for what it does for my brain and I wish I could wrap it up in a pretty package and give it to everyone. It doesn't come that way, though. Like most things that are valuable it comes with some bumps and bruises, tears and sweat and it's worth every bit of it. So when the dark places arise and life is fighting against you, you know that it's just one rep at a time to get through it.
I didn't mentally check out entirely from life, but I'm not sure that I wouldn't have without the gym and my family. Something about a screeching 4 year old or a class full of people that pulls you away from any mental break you were taking.
Between the screeches though, I found myself waffling between trying to figure out if I even want to try to care or if this kind of mental lapse of motivation was actually a good thing.
I'm not entirely convinced either way at this point.
No motivation means no goals which means no failure. Safety in it's truest form. No motivation means slipping into an almost robotic existence, which I can at least see the benefit of for a short period of time.
When you run a CrossFit gym, lack of motivation is not exactly something you want to broadcast. But if there is one thing I love about people it is there ability to show their weaknesses and right now, I am weak. I'm worn down from wanting so desperately to be in two places. I'm worn down from loving babies from so far away. I'm worn down from battling a tough little boy for 4 years. I'm worn down with all the pain I see in friends' lives. I've had several conversations with friends and family over the past few days about some really tough stuff. The kind of stuff that makes you want to curl up in the fetal position. The strength and sorrow I've seen in these friends' eyes reminds me that experiencing painful emotions and battling through the dark places, is a worthy goal. And often its the most important goal because it gives us courage to face the next unseen battle.
In my current lackadaisical state, I have still seen some profound correlations between what I get to do on a daily basis as a CrossFit coach and life in general. The farther we get into this adventure, the more I realize why I love it so much.
It is for the mental PRs. Both in myself and in others.
I do not have any major fitness goals. I want to get better. Period. However that looks, is ok with me. The lack of a solid goal can be a disadvantage, but what it allows me to do is be able to make room for other people's goals. I haven't figured out how to do both yet.
So I choose, for now, these friends who show up every day and work so hard to be better, physically. What I have seen in my CrossFit experience, and what I hope to see in each of our friends, is that our mental fitness gains match our physical fitness gains.
There is so much about body image, and courage, and humility, and acceptance that I have made incredible improvements on. I hope I'm not done yet, but I find myself wanting others to grasp this priceless aspect of CrossFit because of how it helps you deal with what life is certain to throw your way.
I put a whole lot of effort into helping each person improve their fitness level, but if I can have one conversation, one encouraging word that helps to rewire their brain, I consider that a PR.
So much of what we battle in day to day life, is replicated in a CrossFit WOD. The ability to keep moving, one rep at a time, is a priceless life skill. To learn to work when we're weary is difficult to teach, but is practiced in CrossFit. To learn how to manage your rest time and your work time is the difference between failing and finishing. To finish a WOD through tears, reminds us that we're human and life can get the best of us. And having a community of people that are invested in you as an individual, not as a member on the books, is a solid feeling to take out into the world.
We cannot know what tomorrow will hold, but I will always be thankful that the time and effort put into CrossFit has reaped both physical and mental benefits.
I CrossFit for what it does for my brain and I wish I could wrap it up in a pretty package and give it to everyone. It doesn't come that way, though. Like most things that are valuable it comes with some bumps and bruises, tears and sweat and it's worth every bit of it. So when the dark places arise and life is fighting against you, you know that it's just one rep at a time to get through it.
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