The fight is on. I am constantly battling to mix the perfect cocktail of all the things I love. It's a bloody fight sometimes and there are at times, casualties, and most of the time that is me.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
More often then not, it's a slow bleed. One more thing gets added. Seemingly harmless. Usually something I feel is valuable and deserving of my time and attention. Then, the days start to fly by without real pause. I find myself wanting to escape from day to day life. Then, it starts to crumble because I get tired and frustrated and I can't figure out why I feel so yuck all the time. When I get going like this, any reading, whether Bible or otherwise is forgotten. It's been replaced by my smartphone apps and Facebook. Conversations revolve around who has to be where at what time and meals and cleaning slide to the point that I wonder if people knew how much I sucked at housework and cleaning they would still be my friend. Pretty soon, I'm annoyed constantly with the incredible not so little people that have been entrusted to my care because they require so much stinkin' work and quite frankly the man I will spend the rest of my life loving, can do no right. And, I think that I just need a drink, or a night out, or a day alone or something for ME. By this point, I'm 2 or 3 meltdowns in, wondering what the heck happened to my life. I didn't want it this way.
What happened? Why am I so unhappy? This would seem like a logistics problem, right? Too much on the calendar. Not enough ME time. I like to talk about my life as being a logistics nightmare, but the reality is, it's not. I'm no busier then any other person and I don't need me time. I spend every day with me and I'm not all that fun lately. We all have the same amount of time. We just choose differently and I'm terribly disappointed with my choices lately.
And so it does come back to me, oddly enough. I must die just a little bit more to myself and lay my life back where it belongs, at His feet. I come to terms yet again, that this is not about logistics, it's about my heart and what corner of it is holding onto pride and self-reliance and greed and envy. And I feel yuck again because I don't want to be like me. I'm not very nice when left to my own devices. I want to be like Him.
So, I get picked up again, brushed off and reminded that I get another shot. My days may look exactly the same with just as many "logistics", but I want my heart different. And, in order, for that to happen, I need time with the ultimate Heart Surgeon.
I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I really get it. That life is better run under His care. That I don't do well running on my own.
I love my life, but it runs so much better when I remember Who's behind the wheel. Hands are off the wheel and I'm sliding into the backseat.
Sarah, I have to say that I love your honesty. I could be a lot of, not so much fun, right along with you much of the time.
ReplyDeleteI have a couple great studies that you can look through if you want time alone with Him, or would be happy to start something with you if you want time together with Him.
Praying for you, for the peace that surpasses all of our misguided, misplaced, misinterpreted understanding.
Send those studies my way, Heather!
ReplyDeleteDeuteronomy 32:10: In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; he guarded him as the apple of his eye."
ReplyDeleteSeek His face and He will answer you. He is always faithful, even when we are not.
Prayers sister! We are called to humbly walk this weary path trying to touch the coat tails of our Savior and see glimpses of His joy in the day-to-day. Be encouraged daughter of the King! He is not finished with you yet!
Great perspective to life's issues whatever they are. Love you Sarah.
ReplyDelete