I just need to write.
Anything.
Its therapeutic for me and I haven't been taking the time.
It's easier to just keep posting to FB or IG a quick blurb and photo here or there, but there is relief in expanding those thoughts onto the screen.
I think I haven't wrote about somethings the past few months because I felt like I'd have to sensor them too much to matter. I still haven't decided if I'll backtrack or just move forward from here. Nothing terrible or groundbreaking, really.
So there, I wrote something. Now maybe I can write something again soon.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
Breaking the blogging drought because this matters.
I haven't had much to write about that mattered. So I just haven't been writing. Daily musings seem silly. Stories about what the kids are doing or not doing hasn't struck me as blog worthy this past summer. I'm just wanting to live it. Not blog it. I'm sure I'll get in the groove again at some point, but first, this...
Yesterday came an exchange over email with Josie. In case you don't remember, Josie is the director and by all intents and purposes the mother to 21 children at House of Love and Hope in Haiti.
We write back and forth regularly. After four trips to Haiti and countless emails, I consider her my friend. I always ask about the kids and this time I asked when school started for them and if they were going to be at the same school as last year(kids sometimes switch between schools for a variety of reasons-cost, location, etc).
Her reply back was joyful and hopeful and prayerful, but in and amongst that was this:
The kids aren't going to school because they don't have the money for books, uniforms or transportation.
Truth is and it's a hard truth to wrap my own over-indulged life around...they are struggling to feed the children at the orphanage. Josie had never asked for help with food before this summer. Kim and Cassie took money down in July for them. But it's food. It goes away.
So school gets set aside for basic human need. And it's stated so matter of fact because sadly it's the NORM. Imagine, if you will, you have three children, $2 a day(sometimes), no vehicle, and very little to no education in a country with no social services.
You are now the average Haitian on a good day.
Now imagine you have 21 children to care for, no vehicle, an education, but your job doesn't pay enough to feed that many children, let alone send them to school.
You are now Josie.
So what do you do? You pray A LOT. You work A LOT. You love A LOT. You hope A LOT. And if someone asks, you tell them, yes, we don't have money for school, but you don't ask for help. You just say thank you for aid already given and pass on your love.
I'm in a bit of a predicament. I struggle with rallying people around "my" cause. These are my friends and my loves and who am I to ask for you to give to where my heart resides? The reality that sits heavy on me is we hope that two of those children are some day ours.
And when it's your child that isn't getting enough food or can't go to school then you do things you may not do normally. So I'm doing something out of the norm.
Maybe it's tacky or tasteless.
Maybe I'll offend someone.
I don't know.
I'm straight up asking for money.
And a lot of it.
They need a vehicle.
$20,000 would buy them a large enough one that all the children could cram into and get to school and church.
So there it is.
$20,000.
Maybe you have a few hundred laying around. Maybe you can go without fast food for a few weeks and donate that. Maybe you can sell something. Maybe your church has a mission fund that they could put towards this(I'd love to come and talk to your church!). Maybe you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who has $20,000 sitting around.
There are a lot of maybes.
The thing about giving for most of us is we can give our money away and in a few weeks, we'll get more. The next paycheck comes in, bills get paid, money gets saved or invested or spent. That's our "first world problems" in a nutshell. And yet, I still hang on to my first worlded-ness like a stubborn child. I don't want to give up a thing. I know how it goes because I do it. I can justify any purchase, any expense, because in our bubble some things are "necessities." I get how hard big giving feels despite having seen and touched the need firsthand.
So, the truth is I don't know how that much money could even be raised. I don't. But I'm trusting that God does.
Maybe you could share this with your people and they could share it with their people and God could move big mountains and we could collectively do something amazing.
If you have a maybe in mind and want to donate, go to http://hope-for-haiti.net/waystohelp.htm and donate through PayPal or by sending a check to this address below: Just write in the comments that it's for a vehicle for House of Love and Hope.
Hope4Haiti
Yesterday came an exchange over email with Josie. In case you don't remember, Josie is the director and by all intents and purposes the mother to 21 children at House of Love and Hope in Haiti.
Her reply back was joyful and hopeful and prayerful, but in and amongst that was this:
The kids aren't going to school because they don't have the money for books, uniforms or transportation.
So school gets set aside for basic human need. And it's stated so matter of fact because sadly it's the NORM. Imagine, if you will, you have three children, $2 a day(sometimes), no vehicle, and very little to no education in a country with no social services.
You are now the average Haitian on a good day.
Now imagine you have 21 children to care for, no vehicle, an education, but your job doesn't pay enough to feed that many children, let alone send them to school.
You are now Josie.
So what do you do? You pray A LOT. You work A LOT. You love A LOT. You hope A LOT. And if someone asks, you tell them, yes, we don't have money for school, but you don't ask for help. You just say thank you for aid already given and pass on your love.
I'm in a bit of a predicament. I struggle with rallying people around "my" cause. These are my friends and my loves and who am I to ask for you to give to where my heart resides? The reality that sits heavy on me is we hope that two of those children are some day ours.
Maybe it's tacky or tasteless.
Maybe I'll offend someone.
I don't know.
I'm straight up asking for money.
And a lot of it.
They need a vehicle.
$20,000 would buy them a large enough one that all the children could cram into and get to school and church.
So there it is.
$20,000.
Maybe you have a few hundred laying around. Maybe you can go without fast food for a few weeks and donate that. Maybe you can sell something. Maybe your church has a mission fund that they could put towards this(I'd love to come and talk to your church!). Maybe you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who has $20,000 sitting around.
There are a lot of maybes.
The thing about giving for most of us is we can give our money away and in a few weeks, we'll get more. The next paycheck comes in, bills get paid, money gets saved or invested or spent. That's our "first world problems" in a nutshell. And yet, I still hang on to my first worlded-ness like a stubborn child. I don't want to give up a thing. I know how it goes because I do it. I can justify any purchase, any expense, because in our bubble some things are "necessities." I get how hard big giving feels despite having seen and touched the need firsthand.
So, the truth is I don't know how that much money could even be raised. I don't. But I'm trusting that God does.
Maybe you could share this with your people and they could share it with their people and God could move big mountains and we could collectively do something amazing.
If you have a maybe in mind and want to donate, go to http://hope-for-haiti.net/waystohelp.htm and donate through PayPal or by sending a check to this address below: Just write in the comments that it's for a vehicle for House of Love and Hope.
Hope4Haiti
PO Box 99365,
Troy, MI 48099-9365
Thanks, tribe. Pray for this. Above all else, pray for this.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Crazy May!
This month is always SO JAMMED PACKED! Every year. And at the end I am always so thankful for the memories and craving the summer.
We started off May with Cory finishing up his Wax Museum project. He worked so hard on it and did an awesome job being Phineas Gage, who I had zero idea about.
He apparently was a railroad worker who due to an explosion got a metal rod through his brain and survived. The things you learn from 3rd graders :-)
The first Saturday was our annual Raise the Bar for Haiti event. Last year there were 13 teams. This year, 33. It was awesome! Busy and hectic, but so good. We had the best volunteers and judges and our athletes that competed did really well. Putting on an event like this is always fun and exhausting!
All Schools Day/May Fete festivities! Super fun few days in our little town!
Parade! We handed out some Pathos cups pre-parade this year and then watched our little Lion ride his Kindergarten float :-)
8th graders have Mad-a-Thon that was all kinds of crazy for Big E.
Quick trip to NE for Erin's confirmation. A whole lot of Muehlers!
Soul sisters
We started off May with Cory finishing up his Wax Museum project. He worked so hard on it and did an awesome job being Phineas Gage, who I had zero idea about.
The first Saturday was our annual Raise the Bar for Haiti event. Last year there were 13 teams. This year, 33. It was awesome! Busy and hectic, but so good. We had the best volunteers and judges and our athletes that competed did really well. Putting on an event like this is always fun and exhausting!
Dance performance for Little A.
Token carnival picture
Farewell BBQ for our friends the McMannis'
BFF parade picture is becoming a tradition. She is all kinds of beautiful, inside and out.
Our baby as Spotted Tail in his Kindergarten graduation play.
We headed to Dallas for a quick weekend escape to watch Regionals. Always fun!
Kindergarten graduation. So amazed at this boy and this school. I have all kinds of feels about him moving next year.
8th grade recognition.
I can't even talk about this right now.
A great group of buddies!
His girl, Janae. Sweetness.
Best friends :-)
Last day of School for Corky. So thankful for his teacher this year! She made the transition to public school for him a dream!
Love the friends he's made!
8th grade rec party. It's like prom with khaki's.
This girl is all kinds of awesome.
Prepping for a MASSIVE garage sale in mid-June. Lots and lots of things. We're hopeful this will put a big dent in our adoption fees coming up!
We celebrated Cory Luke's birthday! 10 years old, you guys. 10! He is sweet as can be. He got a cool art set, had a sleepover with some buddies, pizza, cake and ice cream and we called it a day!
Some time in the past few months, she stopped being a little girl.
Dance friends!
I really do like this crew of crazies. Caleb would ONLY get in the picture if Janae was in it, too. We joke with Elijah that Caleb is some serious competition for him and he better watch out. ;-)
And the month isn't complete without a little(or a lot) of basketball. Elijah had a tournament down near Wichita. 3 games Saturday, 3 games Sunday and then we hauled him up to Kansas City so he could be at St. Paul for basketball camp this week. Thankfully, Seth could get him there so it saved us a few hours of driving. We miss him like crazy already.
So, I think thats all of May.
When life gets that crazy, I try extra hard to be present in each moment before the next one comes slamming in. It always makes me look at our lives and reevaluate it, too. What can we say no to? What can I do to simplify the house, the meals, the schedules so we can all have some time to slow down. I crave slowness. I am resigned to the fact that our lives aren't exactly conducive to slow, but we continue to fight for it!
Happy SUMMER!
Monday, April 27, 2015
Becoming a mother
Something spectacular happened last week.
A mother was born.
Our friends had asked me to be their "birth coach" for their first baby together.
I, of course, said yes, because there are few things that are as miraculous as birth and the chance to be with my friends during delivery was too special to turn down. I quickly assured them that even though I've had 4 babies, a professional, I am not. But I would, however, be their biggest cheerleader and do my very best to keep everyone calm and peaceful. They seemed to think this was good enough!
The idea of it did make me somewhat nervous. Not from a birthing standpoint. I am comfortable in that space, thanks to my midwife momma. I was more concerned about being a good, yet untrained, support system for them. Birth is predictable in many ways, but there will always be the unknowns. Having a positive birth experience means so much in terms of how you view babies and birth and mothering, I think. Jen wanted to have the baby naturally and we talked a lot about that and some of the things about labor and delivery that I knew(which was not an extensive list, by any means).
So Monday morning rolled around and Jen was set to have her water broke to see if labor would start on it's own and it did! The morning went quietly. Each contraction, Jen closed her eyes, laid her head back and breathed.
Jerry and I sat and watched mostly. She was very "internal" during each contraction. We got up and walked the halls for a bit just to have something else to do and help him drop some more. Soon after, though, as the contractions intensified, we could tell they getting more difficult for Jen to manage. What I wish we had talked about before labor(and if I were doula-trained, I'm sure we would have), was fear. I could see it as it was happened, but was not prepared for it and neither was she. There is a time during labor, that the pain of the contractions are scary bad. They are close and long in duration and so painful. Fear easily creeps in and we start saying to ourselves that we can't do this any longer. It feels like more than we can bear.
She decided to get an epidural around 6 cm. I know that wasn't an easy decision for her, but she did what she thought was best at the time and at that moment, my job was support.
Her demeanor changed almost immediately once the epidural set in. The fear (and pain) went away. A short hour later, the doctor came in on her lunch break to check her and it was time to push. A short 10 minutes later, Dax was here! I was really just in awe of Jen and Jerry and the whole thing. She labored really so beautifully and peacefully. Being on this side of labor was inspiring. It was so incredible and moving and beautiful and not something I will ever forget.
A mother was born.
Our friends had asked me to be their "birth coach" for their first baby together.
I, of course, said yes, because there are few things that are as miraculous as birth and the chance to be with my friends during delivery was too special to turn down. I quickly assured them that even though I've had 4 babies, a professional, I am not. But I would, however, be their biggest cheerleader and do my very best to keep everyone calm and peaceful. They seemed to think this was good enough!
The idea of it did make me somewhat nervous. Not from a birthing standpoint. I am comfortable in that space, thanks to my midwife momma. I was more concerned about being a good, yet untrained, support system for them. Birth is predictable in many ways, but there will always be the unknowns. Having a positive birth experience means so much in terms of how you view babies and birth and mothering, I think. Jen wanted to have the baby naturally and we talked a lot about that and some of the things about labor and delivery that I knew(which was not an extensive list, by any means).
So Monday morning rolled around and Jen was set to have her water broke to see if labor would start on it's own and it did! The morning went quietly. Each contraction, Jen closed her eyes, laid her head back and breathed.
She decided to get an epidural around 6 cm. I know that wasn't an easy decision for her, but she did what she thought was best at the time and at that moment, my job was support.
Her demeanor changed almost immediately once the epidural set in. The fear (and pain) went away. A short hour later, the doctor came in on her lunch break to check her and it was time to push. A short 10 minutes later, Dax was here! I was really just in awe of Jen and Jerry and the whole thing. She labored really so beautifully and peacefully. Being on this side of labor was inspiring. It was so incredible and moving and beautiful and not something I will ever forget.
I really learned so much that day. You could see labor and delivery through the eyes of pain and mess and noise and fear. I just can't see it that way, though. It's too amazing to just pass off as all those things and not also see the beauty in watching a woman become a mother this way and a baby takes it's first breathes and a father see his son for this first time. Miraculous. All of it.
So, I could totally be a doula for a living. After as I drove home, I called my midwife momma and talked about it. I thought about the gift she gave me to be able to see birth as something beautiful and normal. I will always be grateful to Jen and Jerry for asking me to be there for their day!
Friday, April 24, 2015
Feeling faith
I am so loving our new church. During Lent, I did wish it wasn't a 30 minute drive because we had a hard time getting there or at least getting there on time. But even the nights we had to hustle like crazy, walked in late and settled in just in time for the sermon, I was still so glad we made the effort.
I feel fed there. I have spent many years trying hard not to get wrapped up in the "feels" of faith.
"Feelings come and go."
"Faith isn't a feeling."
But the truth is, faith seems dead to me if it doesn't feel. If it doesn't feel, it's cold and analytical and distant, something we have to understand and have an answer for. I can't do faith that way. It's confusing to me. I don't really understand it and sometimes I don't really understand God or religion or any of it. And I am finally ok saying that and not think I am losing my faith.
I've been pretty emotional about church lately and I think that's why. I'm feeling again. It's been awhile since I've "felt" my faith. It's taken a hit or two this past year and a half. Although I cognitively know that faith is not a feeling, I do think that as a "feeler", I need the emotion of it. I hadn't had that for quite some time so honestly I'm enjoying the emotion that I get when I'm in church. I'm starting to feel little pieces of what has felt like a beat down faith, spark again. I so badly want to believe what I say I believe and that core foundation had felt very fragile for some time. It doesn't seem so fragile anymore and I think that's in some part to being in a church community that "feels" and is actively pursuing mission opportunities and desires to be a safe haven for people, amongst many other reasons.
There has been great value in staying the course despite some of the doubts and thoughts I've had. I was "doing" all the things that should grow faith. Attending church, reading the Bible, inundating myself with "positive" Christian-y quotes and thoughts. I should have "felt" strong, solid and I wasn't. There was enormous frustration on my part internally in that. It's not so simple. What I am starting to recognize is that faith is (obviously) more than any one thing. It is not just doing or just feeling or just speaking. It is this amazingly nuanced thing in my life. Not to be explained away or tossed away or ignored. Just like our doubts and questions. Somethings need to be mulled over and battled through. I look around me at those who are years or decades ahead in this life and have managed to cling to this faith and I am both in awe and am grateful. I would imagine I'm not the only one who has struggled and I'm thankful for those that hold fast and encourage and battle alongside me.
So, really, my point, I guess, is that I'm thankful for our church because it came to us when I think I needed it most. I happen to think that's no coincidence and I'm glad God saw it fit to lead us there and let me feel again.
I feel fed there. I have spent many years trying hard not to get wrapped up in the "feels" of faith.
"Feelings come and go."
"Faith isn't a feeling."
But the truth is, faith seems dead to me if it doesn't feel. If it doesn't feel, it's cold and analytical and distant, something we have to understand and have an answer for. I can't do faith that way. It's confusing to me. I don't really understand it and sometimes I don't really understand God or religion or any of it. And I am finally ok saying that and not think I am losing my faith.
I've been pretty emotional about church lately and I think that's why. I'm feeling again. It's been awhile since I've "felt" my faith. It's taken a hit or two this past year and a half. Although I cognitively know that faith is not a feeling, I do think that as a "feeler", I need the emotion of it. I hadn't had that for quite some time so honestly I'm enjoying the emotion that I get when I'm in church. I'm starting to feel little pieces of what has felt like a beat down faith, spark again. I so badly want to believe what I say I believe and that core foundation had felt very fragile for some time. It doesn't seem so fragile anymore and I think that's in some part to being in a church community that "feels" and is actively pursuing mission opportunities and desires to be a safe haven for people, amongst many other reasons.
There has been great value in staying the course despite some of the doubts and thoughts I've had. I was "doing" all the things that should grow faith. Attending church, reading the Bible, inundating myself with "positive" Christian-y quotes and thoughts. I should have "felt" strong, solid and I wasn't. There was enormous frustration on my part internally in that. It's not so simple. What I am starting to recognize is that faith is (obviously) more than any one thing. It is not just doing or just feeling or just speaking. It is this amazingly nuanced thing in my life. Not to be explained away or tossed away or ignored. Just like our doubts and questions. Somethings need to be mulled over and battled through. I look around me at those who are years or decades ahead in this life and have managed to cling to this faith and I am both in awe and am grateful. I would imagine I'm not the only one who has struggled and I'm thankful for those that hold fast and encourage and battle alongside me.
So, really, my point, I guess, is that I'm thankful for our church because it came to us when I think I needed it most. I happen to think that's no coincidence and I'm glad God saw it fit to lead us there and let me feel again.
Windy city
It's been a busy, busy few weeks with no sign of slowing down any time soon, which means lots going on in my head and not much blogging to unload it all...
Before I get to anything else, this FIRST!!
Two weekends ago, I got to sneak away with some of the best girls I know to Chicago and meet up with another best girl I know to spend some quality time together and have some FUN.
Some years back when we first moved to town, I starting going to a MOPS group. Turns out that our first little group of moms with little kids needed each other. I know I certainly needed them. Some were already friends, some were acquaintances and some new friends. After MOPS, a bible study was started and our little group continued to bond. It has not been without some problems that had to be weathered. Sometimes(or really, most of the time), "bible study" turned into sharing about life and struggles and personal things, but each of those times mattered to the depth and growth of those friendships. Some of those original girls have moved away or moved on, but what's truly amazing about these girls is that despite that and our shifting lives and responsibilities and activities, they continue to find the time to keep the friendships going. McDonalds dates with kids, movie/TV nights without kids, birthday dinners, weekend getaways. Over and over again.
This is not easy, people.
We all have busy lives with husbands and children and jobs and families and on and on, but for the past 6+ years, these girls keep showing up, putting in the time and making the effort to keep this friendship going. I am forever grateful for that. Not all of the girls could make it this trip, unfortunately, but we are already planning the next one with hopefully everyone!
Leaving KC!
The view from The Godfrey.
Together!
Starbucks +
Lots of "sharing" going on... ;-)
Make the time and effort for your girlfriends. It is SO worth it!
Before I get to anything else, this FIRST!!
Two weekends ago, I got to sneak away with some of the best girls I know to Chicago and meet up with another best girl I know to spend some quality time together and have some FUN.
Some years back when we first moved to town, I starting going to a MOPS group. Turns out that our first little group of moms with little kids needed each other. I know I certainly needed them. Some were already friends, some were acquaintances and some new friends. After MOPS, a bible study was started and our little group continued to bond. It has not been without some problems that had to be weathered. Sometimes(or really, most of the time), "bible study" turned into sharing about life and struggles and personal things, but each of those times mattered to the depth and growth of those friendships. Some of those original girls have moved away or moved on, but what's truly amazing about these girls is that despite that and our shifting lives and responsibilities and activities, they continue to find the time to keep the friendships going. McDonalds dates with kids, movie/TV nights without kids, birthday dinners, weekend getaways. Over and over again.
This is not easy, people.
We all have busy lives with husbands and children and jobs and families and on and on, but for the past 6+ years, these girls keep showing up, putting in the time and making the effort to keep this friendship going. I am forever grateful for that. Not all of the girls could make it this trip, unfortunately, but we are already planning the next one with hopefully everyone!
Leaving KC!
The view from The Godfrey.
I adore the city. Adore.
Together!
HUB 51
Fish tacos! OMGoodness! So good.
So nice to just BE TOGETHER!
Off to get breakfast!
Starbucks +
Firecakes = DELICIOUS!
Heading out on the town!
Redhead Piano bar! SO FUN!
I bought hipster glasses. Not gonna lie...I love them so much.
It's like having an alter ego :-)
Lots of "sharing" going on... ;-)
Had to leave too soon...
Sad, goodbye face. :-(
Until next time...
Make the time and effort for your girlfriends. It is SO worth it!
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