Feeling faith

   I am so loving our new church.  During Lent, I did wish it wasn't a 30 minute drive because we had a hard time getting there or at least getting there on time. But even the nights we had to hustle like crazy, walked in late and settled in just in time for the sermon, I was still so glad we made the effort.
I feel fed there.  I have spent many years trying hard not to get wrapped up in the "feels" of faith.  
"Feelings come and go."  
"Faith isn't a feeling."  
But the truth is, faith seems dead to me if it doesn't feel.  If it doesn't feel, it's cold and analytical and distant, something we have to understand and have an answer for.  I can't do faith that way.  It's confusing to me.  I don't really understand it and sometimes I don't really understand God or religion or any of it.  And I am finally ok saying that and not think I am losing my faith.
I've been pretty emotional about church lately and I think that's why.  I'm feeling again.  It's been awhile since I've "felt" my faith. It's taken a hit or two this past year and a half.  Although I cognitively know that faith is not a feeling, I do think that as a "feeler", I need the emotion of it.  I hadn't had that for quite some time so honestly I'm enjoying the emotion that I get when I'm in church.  I'm starting to feel little pieces of what has felt like a beat down faith, spark again. I so badly want to believe what I say I believe and that core foundation had felt very fragile for some time. It doesn't seem so fragile anymore and I think that's in some part to being in a church community that "feels" and is actively pursuing mission opportunities and desires to be a safe haven for people, amongst many other reasons. 
There has been great value in staying the course despite some of the doubts and thoughts I've had.   I was "doing" all the things that should grow faith.  Attending church, reading the Bible, inundating myself with "positive" Christian-y quotes and thoughts. I should have "felt" strong, solid and I wasn't.  There was enormous frustration on my part internally in that.  It's not so simple.  What I am starting to recognize is that faith is (obviously) more than any one thing.  It is not just doing or just feeling or just speaking.  It is this amazingly nuanced thing in my life.  Not to be explained away or tossed away or ignored.  Just like our doubts and questions.  Somethings need to be mulled over and battled through.  I look around me at those who are years or decades ahead in this life and have managed to cling to this faith and I am both in awe and am grateful.  I would imagine I'm not the only one who has struggled and I'm thankful for those that hold fast and encourage and battle alongside me.
So, really, my point, I guess,  is that I'm thankful for our church because it came to us when I think I needed it most.  I happen to think that's no coincidence and I'm glad God saw it fit to lead us there and let me feel again.