but not really.
There are few things I have anticipated more these past few years than finding out we can start the adoption process and maybe, just maybe adopt from House of Love and Hope.
We could have started it years ago, but we want to adopt from there. Or at least have a shot at adopting from there. All along we knew we may not be able to, but we wanted to wait until they were licensed to start so we had a chance.
At the time, we understood the laws to be that we would have to have Josie work with a US agency and then we would apply through that agency and request HOLH. So we waited for that process of licensing to work itself out in Haiti. We helped where we could, but it was all on them to get that done. And she did it! In December we heard they had their license and I could start looking for an agency to work with them.
I looked through the approved adoption providers and emailed a few last week. I heard back from two and a few days ago talked to a wonderfully, kind woman, Meredith. She informed us that, in fact, agencies and orphanages are no longer allowed to work together. The Haitian adoption department makes matches from the entire pool of adoptable orphans when dossier come in.
Essentially, we could apply TODAY and begin the process.
Good news! Right??
Yes, but with it comes an avalanche of fear and questions. We have children we would like to adopt. We know we can't choose them. We know the Haitian government makes matches and we now know that agencies and orphanages don't even work together. We know that we may very well get matched with children that are not from HOLH.
The way it is now is that because we want siblings and older siblings at that, we can request specific children, but we don't know if they will honor that request or not.
So many questions.
What if they match us with other siblings? Do we go with that match? What if the children from HOLH get adopted to someone else in the process? What if... What if...What if...
I have had an amazing sense of peace throughout these past years. I haven't felt like we needed to rush or panic or anything. I want to have that peace throughout, but it is hard to hold right now.
So I'm heading to Haiti, by God's grace, on Tuesday and I will visit with Josie. When I get back, Chad and I will apply to an agency and "officially" start this process. We're going to continue hanging on to trust and hope that God has this already planned out for us. Some times I'm sure with every fiber of our being.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Daunting
As I prepare for this, my fourth trip, to Haiti, the preparation looks much like it has on the other trips. Piles of donations on my bar, many questions and conversations about what we'll be doing, where we'll be going, a constant see-saw of thoughts from here to there and back to here, a mental battle to stay present here until I leave.
Some things look different though.
This time, I'm packing up nebulizers and meds for a little girl we care deeply for.
That feels big.
This time, I'm emailing agencies trying to get information together before we go for Josie on how to go about contracting with a US agency. Emails are going out with whispered prayers to a few agencies and then I'm waiting. Will they say no, they aren't working with new orphanages? Will they say, yes, we'd love to talk with her? Will they reply? I'm just sending out a few to start to ones that have open applications to Haiti right now. I'll get emails sent to all the approved agencies later this week. I don't even know why I'm going about it this way.
I'm scared. Scared they'll all say no. Then what?
Scared that they'll say yes and then the real stuff starts. As I'm looking through agency sites, I'll look at their fees.
Daunting.
$22,000
$34,000
$37,000
All totals I've seen.
That scares me. I don't know how that part of this is suppose to work out. I really don't. All I can do is trust that it will. But that trust is loaded and scary and filled with doubt. Those numbers scream at me. Unreasonable. Impossible. And I can't argue with that. It does seem impossible. No doubt.
And, yet, I can't stop believing that at some point, we'll be on the other side of an adoption. We haven't felt a "stopping" point yet. We're still going to plug along believing this is all going to work out one way or another.
Some things look different though.
This time, I'm packing up nebulizers and meds for a little girl we care deeply for.
That feels big.
This time, I'm emailing agencies trying to get information together before we go for Josie on how to go about contracting with a US agency. Emails are going out with whispered prayers to a few agencies and then I'm waiting. Will they say no, they aren't working with new orphanages? Will they say, yes, we'd love to talk with her? Will they reply? I'm just sending out a few to start to ones that have open applications to Haiti right now. I'll get emails sent to all the approved agencies later this week. I don't even know why I'm going about it this way.
I'm scared. Scared they'll all say no. Then what?
Scared that they'll say yes and then the real stuff starts. As I'm looking through agency sites, I'll look at their fees.
Daunting.
$22,000
$34,000
$37,000
All totals I've seen.
That scares me. I don't know how that part of this is suppose to work out. I really don't. All I can do is trust that it will. But that trust is loaded and scary and filled with doubt. Those numbers scream at me. Unreasonable. Impossible. And I can't argue with that. It does seem impossible. No doubt.
And, yet, I can't stop believing that at some point, we'll be on the other side of an adoption. We haven't felt a "stopping" point yet. We're still going to plug along believing this is all going to work out one way or another.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
To resolve or not to resolve...
It's no secret that I'm not a fan of New Years resolutions. Mostly because I'm not a goal oriented person and as much as I like the idea of becoming a more aware, healthy, present individual, a once a year, "I'm gonna do it this time" mentality sucks the life out of me quick. Cause I think, "Really? If I wanted to do something badly enough I would just do it without a NY resolution to drive me." Mostly, it's because I'm kinda super lazy when it comes to sticking with things.
BUT...there is always a but, right? We're too complicated and intricate as humans to have any real hard and fast rules about ourselves, am I right?
I made a kind of resolution. Maybe it's more of a challenge. A "I wonder if I could do it" challenge.
I wonder if I could go a full year and not buy any clothes for myself. And I wonder if I could go a full year and not add anything to my house(furniture, accessories, decor).
I've been thinking this past month of all the things we have, materialistically. It's quite a bit.
I literally do not need a single article of clothing or a single piece of furniture/decoration/home remodel/painting project, etc.
I SAY I'm not materialistic, but I am. I like being able to buy a shirt when I want to just cause I think it's pretty. I like buying throw pillows cause I think they'll add some color to the living room. Although I like my decor pretty simple and clutter free, I like pretty things. I want a rug for our living room and bar stools and I want to redo our bedroom and repaint our kitchen cabinets. I want to buy a new dress and some cute shoes.
So I wonder if I could go the whole year and say no to that impulse every time. We don't always have the extra money to buy those things, but we do often enough for me to not be in need of a single, stinkin' thing. So we're doing alright, I guess.
I'm giving it a go. So far two weeks in, I feel like its no problem. It's winter and nothing about winter makes me want to buy anything or dress in anything cute.
Now spring and summer may be a different story. Warm weather makes me happy and when I'm happy I want to do house projects and buy cute summer clothes. So we'll see. Mostly I just want to do it to save some money (another post on that later!) and see if I can get by with what I have(I am certain I can, but I won't want to!) And maybe there in lies the lesson. I can absolutely go a whole year without another article of clothing or thing in my house, but I won't want to. So maybe this is more about being a little uncomfortable and saying no to some things that don't really matter so maybe I can say yes to some bigger more valuable things.
I don't know.
We'll see how it all plays out!
BUT...there is always a but, right? We're too complicated and intricate as humans to have any real hard and fast rules about ourselves, am I right?
I made a kind of resolution. Maybe it's more of a challenge. A "I wonder if I could do it" challenge.
I wonder if I could go a full year and not buy any clothes for myself. And I wonder if I could go a full year and not add anything to my house(furniture, accessories, decor).
I've been thinking this past month of all the things we have, materialistically. It's quite a bit.
I literally do not need a single article of clothing or a single piece of furniture/decoration/home remodel/painting project, etc.
I SAY I'm not materialistic, but I am. I like being able to buy a shirt when I want to just cause I think it's pretty. I like buying throw pillows cause I think they'll add some color to the living room. Although I like my decor pretty simple and clutter free, I like pretty things. I want a rug for our living room and bar stools and I want to redo our bedroom and repaint our kitchen cabinets. I want to buy a new dress and some cute shoes.
So I wonder if I could go the whole year and say no to that impulse every time. We don't always have the extra money to buy those things, but we do often enough for me to not be in need of a single, stinkin' thing. So we're doing alright, I guess.
I'm giving it a go. So far two weeks in, I feel like its no problem. It's winter and nothing about winter makes me want to buy anything or dress in anything cute.
Now spring and summer may be a different story. Warm weather makes me happy and when I'm happy I want to do house projects and buy cute summer clothes. So we'll see. Mostly I just want to do it to save some money (another post on that later!) and see if I can get by with what I have(I am certain I can, but I won't want to!) And maybe there in lies the lesson. I can absolutely go a whole year without another article of clothing or thing in my house, but I won't want to. So maybe this is more about being a little uncomfortable and saying no to some things that don't really matter so maybe I can say yes to some bigger more valuable things.
I don't know.
We'll see how it all plays out!
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Have I got a story for you.
There are many, many things I want in this life and I have been gifted with many, many of those wants. Some things seem to be put on hold indefinitely only to then be wrapped up and delivered in a package too perfect to wonder if it's from God.
I wanted to go to Haiti in February. So badly. It was with our friends, Kim and Keith and Heather and Seth and others I had met on a previous trip and others I hadn't met yet. Last summer/fall when they were planning the Feb. 2015 trip, I decided to back out. It just didn't feel like a good time to go when we really felt like we would be in the adoption process sometime in 2015. We could use the money for other things.
I let it go. Mostly.
Trusted that we would be going to this little country we love so much again soon. Just not in February.
I would have to wait longer to see these faces.
Then a chain of events followed that one could easily pass off as coincidence or unrelated, but I can't look at these pieces and not see God's hand and hear His voice saying, "Go. For others sake, for My sake, and for you."
Link 1. The chain starts in Oct. when my grandma passed away. Would Haiti have even been our radar without her? I don't know, but I can't imagine it would have to the degree it is now. If we are fortunate enough to adopt children from Haiti, it will be my greatest sorrow that she will never get to meet her Haitian grandchildren. To see what she and my grandpa started in our family. Soon after her funeral, my parents came to visit and brought some money from her and said we could use it for adoption expenses or whatever. We set it aside with hope that it could be used sooner rather than later. I secretly hoped I could use it for a ticket to go in February, but didn't say anything to Chad or anyone because I knew we would need it for adoption at some point and I didn't "NEED" to go.
Link 2. Turns out we needed it sooner, but not in the way we wanted. Our gym affiliation fees and insurance are due each year in Nov/Dec/Jan. Big expenses and with Christmas too, we ended up using that money from my grandma. I knew we would be able to put it back in savings later, but I still silently felt like I was losing my only chance for the February trip.
Link 3. December 15, I got an email from Kim out of the blue. She was going through the team list for February. She knew it was late to get in on the team. She knew money was tight. She knew it would be tough to work out. But she wrote anyway to say she was thinking about me and she really wanted this to work out for me. At the time, I knew it wasn't possible. I told her I'd pray about it and talk to Chad, but it would be a miracle if it worked out.
Link 4. The week before Christmas we got our first ice/snow storm and it came on later in the evening on a Wednesday. Autumn and Cory go to youth club at our church on Wednesdays in a town about 30 minutes away. Chad went to get them that night. On their way home, he slid on a bridge, hit a guardrail, did a 360 and hit the other guardrail. Scary for everyone! Thankfully, no one was hurt badly. The kids both had some whiplash and Chad hit his shoulder on the window pretty hard. The truck was drivable, but pretty beat up. He got it home and the next days we waited on an estimate and on whether our insurance would total it our not. If they didn't, we'd have to pay the $1000 deductible. If they totaled it, we just hoped they gave us enough to pay it off.
Link 5. We found out they were going to total the truck AND we would get more than we owed on it. More than what a flight to Haiti costs. At this point, I hadn't told Chad that Kim had emailed. I hadn't told him how much I had been thinking about this trip in February. I held those thoughts and prayers close. I knew I didn't "need" to go. I knew that extra money was much needed other places. I knew it didn't make sense. But I also knew every chance I get to spend time with our "maybe forever" kids, was priceless. I knew if I didn't go, our new church family wouldn't know about our Haiti love, or our desire to adopt. I knew if I didn't go, I wouldn't get asked to speak to people about Haiti and the mission society and Josie and Thomas and all that they do.
Link 6. So I asked Chad about it. I might have begged a little. I knew in his logical mind, this was not logical. I knew in my illogical mind, that I didn't care if it was logical. When I told him about the speaking opportunities I felt like I was losing, he agreed. That made sense to him. It's not that he didn't want me to go, he does. He knows the value of these trips having been twice himself. He knows how I ache for this place. He knows me. So, I started telling people I was going.
Link 7. My friend Alana who had wanted to go originally too, but had backed out as well for medical reasons, said well, maybe she COULD go after all. She told her mom and her husband and they both encouraged her to go. Her mom who is as kind as they come offered her flight miles. She apparently accumulates them faster than she can use them. She had enough for Alana's entire flight and I was able to save about $100 using them.
Link 8. Random Friday in January and I get a text from my friend Cassie. She was driving and just started thinking about the Haiti kids and how much she wanted to be able to go someday. I hadn't told her we were going to Haiti in Feb, but said "How about going with us THIS time??" A total miracle if she could raise the money for this trip when it was less than a month away. Just a few short days later, it was a go. She had enormous support from her family and friends and church AND Alana's mom donated more miles so Cassie's flight was only about half what it would have been.
Link 9. I email Josie and tell her I'm going to visit. She emails back with a favor. Amessaminthe has asthma. We didn't know this. She has had to go to the hospital for an attack which is no small feat there. A breathing machine is what Josie asked for and I don't have experience with asthma so I ask Jamie what that means. A nebulizer is needed, but is no good without the drugs used with it. It's a shot in the dark because those are prescription meds here. So I take to the great stage of Facebook and ask for a nebulizer. I get them and then some. My friend Kelsey hands me a neb and some meds a few days later. Kim Slygh whom I met in Haiti two years ago, "happens" to be a respiratory nurse. She is putting together a box of everything she can so that Minthe will have what she needs. This is our "maybe forever" daughter. I can't be her mother yet and I don't know if I ever will be given that chance, but to be able to carry with me the things she needs to breath easier is the most amazing gift I could have at this point.
These links, these pieces of a puzzle, all connect to make for a really beautiful story, am I right??
So, social media comes into play and we tell people we're going and what things we would like to take with us and we set up a fundraiser row-a-thon to offset some of the other expenses and people give. E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E this happens. I am always amazed at the generosity that people display for a place they have no connection to except through us. Haiti is all wrapped up and around my heart, but for all these other people who give, they give out of such a place of genuine kindness. And it leaves me overwhelmed and humbled and often on the brink of tears.
And so I'm going to Haiti in February. And I get to have 2 friends go with me. And I get to spend a night or two at House of Love and Hope with our "maybe forever" kids. And I get to hand Josie equipment and medicine to offer some relief for Minthe.
It's a chain of events that can't help but make me think that God hears my quiet prayers and my silent dreams and gives me my wants far beyond what I could imagine.
I wanted to go to Haiti in February. So badly. It was with our friends, Kim and Keith and Heather and Seth and others I had met on a previous trip and others I hadn't met yet. Last summer/fall when they were planning the Feb. 2015 trip, I decided to back out. It just didn't feel like a good time to go when we really felt like we would be in the adoption process sometime in 2015. We could use the money for other things.
I let it go. Mostly.
Trusted that we would be going to this little country we love so much again soon. Just not in February.
I would have to wait longer to see these faces.
Or see this stunning landscape
Then a chain of events followed that one could easily pass off as coincidence or unrelated, but I can't look at these pieces and not see God's hand and hear His voice saying, "Go. For others sake, for My sake, and for you."
Link 1. The chain starts in Oct. when my grandma passed away. Would Haiti have even been our radar without her? I don't know, but I can't imagine it would have to the degree it is now. If we are fortunate enough to adopt children from Haiti, it will be my greatest sorrow that she will never get to meet her Haitian grandchildren. To see what she and my grandpa started in our family. Soon after her funeral, my parents came to visit and brought some money from her and said we could use it for adoption expenses or whatever. We set it aside with hope that it could be used sooner rather than later. I secretly hoped I could use it for a ticket to go in February, but didn't say anything to Chad or anyone because I knew we would need it for adoption at some point and I didn't "NEED" to go.
Link 2. Turns out we needed it sooner, but not in the way we wanted. Our gym affiliation fees and insurance are due each year in Nov/Dec/Jan. Big expenses and with Christmas too, we ended up using that money from my grandma. I knew we would be able to put it back in savings later, but I still silently felt like I was losing my only chance for the February trip.
Link 3. December 15, I got an email from Kim out of the blue. She was going through the team list for February. She knew it was late to get in on the team. She knew money was tight. She knew it would be tough to work out. But she wrote anyway to say she was thinking about me and she really wanted this to work out for me. At the time, I knew it wasn't possible. I told her I'd pray about it and talk to Chad, but it would be a miracle if it worked out.
Link 4. The week before Christmas we got our first ice/snow storm and it came on later in the evening on a Wednesday. Autumn and Cory go to youth club at our church on Wednesdays in a town about 30 minutes away. Chad went to get them that night. On their way home, he slid on a bridge, hit a guardrail, did a 360 and hit the other guardrail. Scary for everyone! Thankfully, no one was hurt badly. The kids both had some whiplash and Chad hit his shoulder on the window pretty hard. The truck was drivable, but pretty beat up. He got it home and the next days we waited on an estimate and on whether our insurance would total it our not. If they didn't, we'd have to pay the $1000 deductible. If they totaled it, we just hoped they gave us enough to pay it off.
Link 5. We found out they were going to total the truck AND we would get more than we owed on it. More than what a flight to Haiti costs. At this point, I hadn't told Chad that Kim had emailed. I hadn't told him how much I had been thinking about this trip in February. I held those thoughts and prayers close. I knew I didn't "need" to go. I knew that extra money was much needed other places. I knew it didn't make sense. But I also knew every chance I get to spend time with our "maybe forever" kids, was priceless. I knew if I didn't go, our new church family wouldn't know about our Haiti love, or our desire to adopt. I knew if I didn't go, I wouldn't get asked to speak to people about Haiti and the mission society and Josie and Thomas and all that they do.
Link 6. So I asked Chad about it. I might have begged a little. I knew in his logical mind, this was not logical. I knew in my illogical mind, that I didn't care if it was logical. When I told him about the speaking opportunities I felt like I was losing, he agreed. That made sense to him. It's not that he didn't want me to go, he does. He knows the value of these trips having been twice himself. He knows how I ache for this place. He knows me. So, I started telling people I was going.
Link 7. My friend Alana who had wanted to go originally too, but had backed out as well for medical reasons, said well, maybe she COULD go after all. She told her mom and her husband and they both encouraged her to go. Her mom who is as kind as they come offered her flight miles. She apparently accumulates them faster than she can use them. She had enough for Alana's entire flight and I was able to save about $100 using them.
Link 8. Random Friday in January and I get a text from my friend Cassie. She was driving and just started thinking about the Haiti kids and how much she wanted to be able to go someday. I hadn't told her we were going to Haiti in Feb, but said "How about going with us THIS time??" A total miracle if she could raise the money for this trip when it was less than a month away. Just a few short days later, it was a go. She had enormous support from her family and friends and church AND Alana's mom donated more miles so Cassie's flight was only about half what it would have been.
Link 9. I email Josie and tell her I'm going to visit. She emails back with a favor. Amessaminthe has asthma. We didn't know this. She has had to go to the hospital for an attack which is no small feat there. A breathing machine is what Josie asked for and I don't have experience with asthma so I ask Jamie what that means. A nebulizer is needed, but is no good without the drugs used with it. It's a shot in the dark because those are prescription meds here. So I take to the great stage of Facebook and ask for a nebulizer. I get them and then some. My friend Kelsey hands me a neb and some meds a few days later. Kim Slygh whom I met in Haiti two years ago, "happens" to be a respiratory nurse. She is putting together a box of everything she can so that Minthe will have what she needs. This is our "maybe forever" daughter. I can't be her mother yet and I don't know if I ever will be given that chance, but to be able to carry with me the things she needs to breath easier is the most amazing gift I could have at this point.
These links, these pieces of a puzzle, all connect to make for a really beautiful story, am I right??
So, social media comes into play and we tell people we're going and what things we would like to take with us and we set up a fundraiser row-a-thon to offset some of the other expenses and people give. E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E this happens. I am always amazed at the generosity that people display for a place they have no connection to except through us. Haiti is all wrapped up and around my heart, but for all these other people who give, they give out of such a place of genuine kindness. And it leaves me overwhelmed and humbled and often on the brink of tears.
And so I'm going to Haiti in February. And I get to have 2 friends go with me. And I get to spend a night or two at House of Love and Hope with our "maybe forever" kids. And I get to hand Josie equipment and medicine to offer some relief for Minthe.
It's a chain of events that can't help but make me think that God hears my quiet prayers and my silent dreams and gives me my wants far beyond what I could imagine.
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