Daunting

As I prepare for this, my fourth trip, to Haiti, the preparation looks much like it has on the other trips.  Piles of donations on my bar, many questions and conversations about what we'll be doing, where we'll be going, a constant see-saw of thoughts from here to there and back to here, a mental battle to stay present here until I leave.

Some things look different though.  
This time, I'm packing up nebulizers and meds for a little girl we care deeply for.  
That feels big.  
This time, I'm emailing agencies trying to get information together before we go for Josie on how to go about contracting with a US agency.  Emails are going out with whispered prayers to a few agencies and then I'm waiting.  Will they say no, they aren't working with new orphanages?  Will they say, yes, we'd love to talk with her?  Will they reply?  I'm just sending out a few to start to ones that have open applications to Haiti right now.  I'll get emails sent to all the approved agencies later this week.  I don't even know why I'm going about it this way. 
I'm scared.  Scared they'll all say no.  Then what?  
Scared that they'll say yes and then the real stuff starts.  As I'm looking through agency sites, I'll look at their fees.  
Daunting.
$22,000
$34,000
$37,000
All totals I've seen.  
That scares me.  I don't know how that part of this is suppose to work out.  I really don't.  All I can do is trust that it will.  But that trust is loaded and scary and filled with doubt.  Those numbers scream at me. Unreasonable.  Impossible.  And I can't argue with that.  It does seem impossible.  No doubt.
And, yet, I can't stop believing that at some point, we'll be on the other side of an adoption.  We haven't felt a "stopping" point yet. We're still going to plug along believing this is all going to work out one way or another.