"Courage, dear heart." C.S. Lewis: April 2015

Monday, April 27, 2015

Becoming a mother

Something spectacular happened last week.

A mother was born.
Our friends had asked me to be their "birth coach" for their first baby together.
I, of course, said yes, because there are few things that are as miraculous as birth and the chance to be with my friends during delivery was too special to turn down. I quickly assured them that even though I've had 4 babies, a professional, I am not. But I would, however, be their biggest cheerleader and do my very best to keep everyone calm and peaceful. They seemed to think this was good enough!
The idea of it did make me somewhat nervous. Not from a birthing standpoint. I am comfortable in that space, thanks to my midwife momma. I was more concerned about being a good, yet untrained, support system for them. Birth is predictable in many ways, but there will always be the unknowns. Having a positive birth experience means so much in terms of how you view babies and birth and mothering, I think. Jen wanted to have the baby naturally and we talked a lot about that and some of the things about labor and delivery that I knew(which was not an extensive list, by any means).

So Monday morning rolled around and Jen was set to have her water broke to see if labor would start on it's own and it did! The morning went quietly. Each contraction, Jen closed her eyes, laid her head back and breathed.

Jerry and I sat and watched mostly. She was very "internal" during each contraction. We got up and walked the halls for a bit just to have something else to do and help him drop some more. Soon after, though, as the contractions intensified, we could tell they getting more difficult for Jen to manage. What I wish we had talked about before labor(and if I were doula-trained, I'm sure we would have), was fear. I could see it as it was happened, but was not prepared for it and neither was she. There is a time during labor, that the pain of the contractions are scary bad. They are close and long in duration and so painful. Fear easily creeps in and we start saying to ourselves that we can't do this any longer. It feels like more than we can bear.
She decided to get an epidural around 6 cm. I know that wasn't an easy decision for her, but she did what she thought was best at the time and at that moment, my job was support.
Her demeanor changed almost immediately once the epidural set in. The fear (and pain) went away. A short hour later, the doctor came in on her lunch break to check her and it was time to push. A short 10 minutes later, Dax was here! I was really just in awe of Jen and Jerry and the whole thing. She labored really so beautifully and peacefully. Being on this side of labor was inspiring. It was so incredible and moving and beautiful and not something I will ever forget.

I really learned so much that day. You could see labor and delivery through the eyes of pain and mess and noise and fear. I just can't see it that way, though. It's too amazing to just pass off as all those things and not also see the beauty in watching a woman become a mother this way and a baby takes it's first breathes and a father see his son for this first time. Miraculous. All of it.

So, I could totally be a doula for a living. After as I drove home, I called my midwife momma and talked about it. I thought about the gift she gave me to be able to see birth as something beautiful and normal. I will always be grateful to Jen and Jerry for asking me to be there for their day!

Friday, April 24, 2015

Feeling faith

I am so loving our new church. During Lent, I did wish it wasn't a 30 minute drive because we had a hard time getting there or at least getting there on time. But even the nights we had to hustle like crazy, walked in late and settled in just in time for the sermon, I was still so glad we made the effort.
I feel fed there. I have spent many years trying hard not to get wrapped up in the "feels" of faith.
"Feelings come and go."
"Faith isn't a feeling."
But the truth is, faith seems dead to me if it doesn't feel. If it doesn't feel, it's cold and analytical and distant, something we have to understand and have an answer for. I can't do faith that way. It's confusing to me. I don't really understand it and sometimes I don't really understand God or religion or any of it. And I am finally ok saying that and not think I am losing my faith.
I've been pretty emotional about church lately and I think that's why. I'm feeling again. It's been awhile since I've "felt" my faith. It's taken a hit or two this past year and a half. Although I cognitively know that faith is not a feeling, I do think that as a "feeler", I need the emotion of it. I hadn't had that for quite some time so honestly I'm enjoying the emotion that I get when I'm in church. I'm starting to feel little pieces of what has felt like a beat down faith, spark again. I so badly want to believe what I say I believe and that core foundation had felt very fragile for some time. It doesn't seem so fragile anymore and I think that's in some part to being in a church community that "feels" and is actively pursuing mission opportunities and desires to be a safe haven for people, amongst many other reasons.
There has been great value in staying the course despite some of the doubts and thoughts I've had. I was "doing" all the things that should grow faith. Attending church, reading the Bible, inundating myself with "positive" Christian-y quotes and thoughts. I should have "felt" strong, solid and I wasn't. There was enormous frustration on my part internally in that. It's not so simple. What I am starting to recognize is that faith is (obviously) more than any one thing. It is not just doing or just feeling or just speaking. It is this amazingly nuanced thing in my life. Not to be explained away or tossed away or ignored. Just like our doubts and questions. Somethings need to be mulled over and battled through. I look around me at those who are years or decades ahead in this life and have managed to cling to this faith and I am both in awe and am grateful. I would imagine I'm not the only one who has struggled and I'm thankful for those that hold fast and encourage and battle alongside me.
So, really, my point, I guess, is that I'm thankful for our church because it came to us when I think I needed it most. I happen to think that's no coincidence and I'm glad God saw it fit to lead us there and let me feel again.

Windy city

It's been a busy, busy few weeks with no sign of slowing down any time soon, which means lots going on in my head and not much blogging to unload it all...
Before I get to anything else, this FIRST!!

Two weekends ago, I got to sneak away with some of the best girls I know to Chicago and meet up with another best girl I know to spend some quality time together and have some FUN.
Some years back when we first moved to town, I starting going to a MOPS group. Turns out that our first little group of moms with little kids needed each other. I know I certainly needed them. Some were already friends, some were acquaintances and some new friends. After MOPS, a bible study was started and our little group continued to bond. It has not been without some problems that had to be weathered. Sometimes(or really, most of the time), "bible study" turned into sharing about life and struggles and personal things, but each of those times mattered to the depth and growth of those friendships. Some of those original girls have moved away or moved on, but what's truly amazing about these girls is that despite that and our shifting lives and responsibilities and activities, they continue to find the time to keep the friendships going. McDonalds dates with kids, movie/TV nights without kids, birthday dinners, weekend getaways. Over and over again.
This is not easy, people.
We all have busy lives with husbands and children and jobs and families and on and on, but for the past 6+ years, these girls keep showing up, putting in the time and making the effort to keep this friendship going. I am forever grateful for that. Not all of the girls could make it this trip, unfortunately, but we are already planning the next one with hopefully everyone!