Wedding festivities

  

In my humble opinion, weddings are awesome.  I love them.  They are all the better when they involve people you love.
When we took our big road trip, the purpose was to attend my brother Gabe's wedding.  That was the grand finale.  The why and when of what sent us out on the road.
He had asked Cory to be the ring bearer and we weighed just Cory and I going, but the pull of an East Coast road trip with the whole family was too much so we decided to do the whole big thing.

The wedding was simple and elegant and so beautiful and most definitely the fastest ceremony I have ever been to.  It was just right for Gabe and Liz.  The food all weekend was incredible.  I daydream about it sometimes.  They did a perfect job of throwing a great party!
Seeing as the rehearsal was on the 4th of July, we just couldn't not dress accordingly.  Don't be jealous of my rocking dress.  It took a sweet find in a consignment store, some spray paint and stickers to get that look.  

 Grace, Liz and I. 

        'MERICA

Goob with Mom and Dad

THE WHOLE CREW 

Not gonna lie...I have some good lookin' brothers.

                                                                                                                                     

Josh helping Cory with his tie.

Auntie Grace and Cory.

 These two deserve a post all their own.  Phil, my dad's cousin, and his wife Lynn are quite possibly the coolest people we know.  They live in Wisconsin and have always made an effort to make it to family things.  Lynn is handicapped and requires a wheelchair, but nothing stops these two.  Not only do they drive all over the country to show us their love, they bring with them loads of laughs.  The best part of the evening was watching Phil wheel Lynn out to the dance floor and slow dance and fast dance and have a blast. It was beautiful.  I love them.

   

Cory and the sweet flower girl, Precious.

  

The boys with the girl.

With a family the size of mine, you can imagine how often it works out to get all the siblings together.  Almost never.  This was a rare occasion in which all 9 of us were present and accounted for. We're all mostly adults and we have really not spent much time together the past decade.  I would imagine that I am not quite who my siblings think me to be and vice versa.  What I was most looking forward to and really what I enjoyed the most, was getting to spend actual time hanging out with these people I share DNA with.  We're not the same people we were 10 or 15 years ago, yet, it was all too familiar to sit around and talk and laugh and goof around.  I can't even quite explain the flow of conversation, the ease of being together.  I loved it.  Every bit of it and I can't wait to do it again.  

I have gorgeous sisters.

 

We love Isaac.

Uncle Seth and Little A

 

The cover of our album.  We're starting a band. 

One more thing.  

 We tend to discuss things of real importance and although we often disagree or rather need the last word, we interject politely with "yes, I can see where you are coming from, but I just have ONE MORE THING..."

And so the weekend, went...
So "one more thing" seemed a fitting band name.
This band will never actually exist, but we have a kick ass album cover.

 *****************************************************

There were so many great pictures from the weekend!  Here are a few more!

Jake and I. Love him.

Oh my goodness. Caleb was so adorable I could cry.

 We managed to get Elijah into a tie!!

Cory helping Caleb with his hair.  A rare sweet moment between them.

Mr and Mrs. Gabe and Liz Dahlke!

Happy 4th of July!

*************************************************************************

And just one more...

This picture creates a whole host of emotions for me.  I love each one of them so much. I miss seeing Luke.  I am profoundly thankful to be part of a family that is so kind and thoughtful and funny. I am grateful my parents saw it good and right to raise ten children. I'm very much looking forward to getting old with these people.

Until next time...

Road trippin'

I could probably write several posts about our week on the road. Informational posts, sentimental posts, ranting posts.  They may all come along, but for now, I'm going to stick to a rundown of the activities and hopefully I can get some deeper thoughts down later this week.  Cause you know I have some...

This was our first major vacation with all four kids.  The x-factor in it's success was Caleb, of course.  Would he survive the endless hours in the car?  Would we survive the endless hours in the car with him?  Would the late nights, weird schedules, new people throw him all out of whack?  I am happy and surprised to report that Caleb is a "vacationer."  He did awesome.  He loved it.  Well, according to him, "it was pretty fun, but not really that fun and he liked it, but not really liked it and some of the days might have been his "best days ever" but he's really not sure."  So, that's a win, folks!
We packed up and left around 630 on Sunday night and drove all the way through to Virginia Beach.  It was a good call and we managed to get there in one piece, with some patience to spare and not completely exhausted.  Pulling up to Boxford, the lovingly named home of Katy and Adam, felt great!  Those two are just great and they have the sweetest little girls.  
Being in Virginia Beach made us nostalgic and made us question why we ever moved and made us wonder if we should go back and made us talk about life and choices and everything in between. (We aren't moving back any time soon.)
We spent one glorious day in downtown Norfolk visiting the Hampton Roads Museum and had dinner at Caroline's and walked the boardwalk in Virginia Beach.  The kids dipped their toes and then entire fully clothed bodies into the ocean.  They loved it. They took it in and instantly fell in love.  I know the feeling.

The next day was spent firmly planted next to the ocean.  It's magical.  The kids loved the water and spent the afternoon boogie boarding.  Sunshine so much glorious sunshine.  A lunch break for fish tacos and a margarita at Pelan's and back out to the sunshine made for a perfect day. All in all, so sad to step off the beach not knowing when we'd be back.
Our last evening at Katy and Adam's was spent laughing and talking and watching stupid videos on Youtube! Perfect.  There is something so wonderful about spending time with people who were a part of our early lives together.  We share a connection to a time and place that I know we both hold dear.
Our day in D.C was really incredible.  What a beautiful city!  It was hot and muggy, but the kids powered through with only minimal excessive whining and bored expressions.  I may or may not have said at one point that if someone looked at them, they would think we were torturing them instead of giving them the fabulous experience of history and awe-inspiring perspective.
Well, we made it to the Lincoln Memorial, which is my favorite, and started back to our car when the wind picked up and the temperature dropped.  It was an impressive storm moving in.  We hauled back as fast as we could and jumped in our car just as it started to downpour. 
Our drive to Frederick was longer than expected due to the weather and the traffic, but we hit the beds that night, tired and happy.
The following morning was spent in Gettysburg before heading to State College for the wedding.  Gettysburg is beautiful and so full of history.  Almost too much.  Chad has always wanted to visit but there was just too much too see in the time we had.  I'm guessing we make it back there someday.
The weekend festivities deserve a post of their own...

Investment opportunities

I've had a few snippets of conversation over the past few weeks about investing in friendships and it's got me thinking on the range and depth of them.  They are not necessary like food and water, but what would life be without them?
Girlfriends fill a space in our life that no one really can.  Our husbands can't.  Our kids can't.  Our moms can't. Our sisters can't. Those each have their own value, but a good girlfriend who is your friend by choice and you are their friend by choice has it's own special place in the world.  
Truth is, it's not easy having friends or being a friend sometimes. It may seem easier to just truck along, head down, family, work, activities, etc.  Go, go, go.  This time in life when we are growing kids and/or growing careers or pursuing dreams and we run 32 different directions on any given day, it makes it difficult to stop and rearrange a schedule for a genuine conversation.  A real "how are you?" with real time to listen to the answer.  It's easy to let those relationships slide because there are so many other things that we invest in.  Yet, I am reminded over and over and over again, how much those friendships matter.  I have experienced the return on that investment.  Truth is,sometimes, life is super hard.  Debilitating.  Devastating.  And you need a tribe.  But that tribe doesn't exist without some investment.  It's in the random coffee dates, text messages to stay connected, porch nights, road trips, quick conversations in a parking lot and the waves as we pass each other on the street.  It says we care and we see.  I have people that choose to invest in me in moments, in passing or in chunks.  That is humbling to say the least.  I do not take those efforts for granted and I remember that when maybe it would take some adjusting in my day to find a moment to catch up.  Because these moments build a mountain of moments that build a foundation.

I am certain I have not been and am not the best of friends all the time.  I don't always say the right things or do the right things and sometimes I just flat out do or say the wrong things.  Friendships can get muddled or difficult by a whole host of situations or experiences, and sometimes that changes things to much to resolve.  I've learned much from those moments.  Mostly I have learned what grace looks like.  I've learned to give grace and receive grace.  I've learned where I may have fallen short or where it may not be about me.  I've learned to be ok with the things I don't understand and I've learned that I may be just as confusing to someone else.  I've learned that, much like any other relationship, friendships can be complicated too.
I've had relationships that I have thought were solid.  That I thought we had invested enough to hold and for whatever reason, they don't.  They faded.  They ceased.  They are no more.  I wonder about those sometimes.  Shifting lives and changing landscapes, it seems.  I've learned to let those go, although, a part of those friendships leave traces.  Not in a bad way, necessarily, but I hold those relationships close and appreciate the time they lasted.  I think it's rare to have a birth to death friend.  I think it's healthy and normal to have friendships change as our lives change and I have never regretted the time I invested in a friend.  No matter the effort it took.  It has been paid back tenfold.  

I'm heading to St. Louis next weekend to invest in some girls who have invested much in me.  We live all over the Midwest and it takes effort to get together.  We had some substantial car problems these past weeks and I didn't think I could make it.  I didn't say anything to the group, but mentioned it to one of the girls.  What she said resonated with me "You are a very important piece to this group puzzle."  This group is a puzzle for sure and if anyone of us isn't there, it just doesn't seem the same.  I would feel the same if one of them said they couldn't make it.  We all fit together in a hodge podge, love ya til we die, we're all so weird kind of way. Some ties go back to my birth with my cousin.  Other ties go back to grade school, high school and college.  We have invested much with each other and it's been worth every dime, every second, every road trip to make these weekends work.  So, I'm going.  It's important.  The investment is always worth it.

Catch up post

We had two big events this past week.  
This guy turned 9.  NINE, people!

He's dreamy, guys.  Totally.  There is an occasional moment when I remember he is normal kid that does stupid things, but more often than not, he's just dreamy.  He's quiet and introspective.  He's introverted, yet loves being with his buddies.  He'll spend hours with Legos and draws and draws and draws.  He is funny.  So, so funny, but you have to listen to him amongst the chaos to catch it. He makes my heart pitter patter.  And I'm just so sad about 9.  I love the growing up of the kids.  It's an amazing thing.  They are so much hands on work for what seems like an eternity and then suddenly, not.  They can walk places alone.  Make a sandwich. Tell you their dreams.  Do chores.  They grow up.  And as much as I love that, I miss the squishy-ness of this baby face.  The dark, serious stare still lingers in his chocolate eyes.  He had that has a tiny baby and it still makes me nostalgic for the chubby face that use to look up at me.  He's awesome.  Plain and simple.

Milestone #2 this past week.  14 years married to this guy.

 You guys, it ain't easy some days.  Some days you wake up and your day is going on just so and then your car breaks down and you're stuck in another state for your anniversary and plans change and you drag yourself home late on your anniversary and you're just so tired and it's not how the day was suppose to go.  And it makes you sad and then you remember, it's ok.  Cause you get to sleep next to your favorite person and you remember all the times you didn't have that privilege and it's ok.

Moving through this life with another person isn't easy.  See, we're so different.  Like completely. We've grown in every direction at different times over the years. We don't always see things the same.  We bicker over mundane things.  We fight for the things that matter.   

We parent these four kids together.                                                         

We run a business.  

We pursue our own goals.  

We pursue goals together.  

We know we do this life better together. The ying and yang thing.  The opposites attract thing.   The peas and carrots thing.  He makes me crazy and makes me better.  He challenges me in so many ways.  Ways that have made me better.  For every time I have been mad or upset or annoyed there have been a hundred times I've been giddy, overcome with love, head over heals, and just plain happy.  

It's good stuff, this married thing.  It's encouraging to know you have someone who wants to walk this messy, beautiful life with you.  It's empowering to have someone who wants you to know and pursue your dreams.  It's humbling to have someone who sees all the ugly, tired, anxious, miserable parts of you, and sits in those places with you and then slowly, but surely, encourages you out of those dark places.  It's powerful to be with someone who works and strives so hard to be a great dad.  Not just a good dad or a mediocre dad, but a great dad.  It's kinda awesome to be with someone who slaps your butt as he walks by or winks at you from across the room or occasionally (or all the time) reminds you that he thinks you're hot.  

Days can be difficult and weeks can be long, but I'm sure that it's not as hard as it would be without him.  I'll take another 14 years and more, please.

Summertime

I adore summer.  The heat.  The laziness.  The pool time.  I do love it.
I've always had someone homeschooling and usually 2 or 3 someones so the "shock" of having kids home all day, every day is not as intense as it is for some.  Family dynamics being as they are, though, I have two little boys, that while left to their own are quite enjoyable to be around, together they are often, um, difficult.  
They fight.  They argue.  They battle.  A lot.
I'm determined to not spend my days yelling at them to get along. Obviously that tactic has worked perfectly, so I'm not sure why I'm going to try and give it up...
So, with pinterest and some other friends posting their intent of a summer fun list, I decided we'll give it a go.  I am such a HORRIBLE follow-througher(made-up word.  I know).  I can make a glorious list and plan a glorious plan. I get to the point of execution...AND I take a nap.  Or stare at the walls.  Or take a nap.
We have a relatively busy summer.  Some basketball camps, drawing class, regular Crossfit classes at the gym, kids Crossfit camp, family vacation/wedding are all in the works.  But, I know there will be days of "I'm bored."  
So our list was made...drum roll...

We'll see how this goes.  I have high hopes.  

Happy Summer!

Loss

I read this. Go read it.  Sarah Bessey can speak to the heart like few others.
It struck me.  Deeply.  And I've been stumbling around trying to put my finger on it.  Sadness isn't something many people are comfortable with.  We put it away.  Keep it hidden.  Talk about in past tense.  It's something we went through, but few get to sit with us in the moments.  In the darkness.  My mom has also been in hospice care like Sarah's mother-in-law.  My mom has had experience with death and she has a gift.  She can sit in the sadness with people.  She has been in the deepest, darkest places herself.  She knows death.  She sat with my brother as he passed.  She cared for my grandpa at home as he passed.  I have learned so much from watching her do this for people so well.

After I read Sarah's post, loss is what I keep circling around.  The deep sadnesses we encounter in our lives are rooted in loss. Sometimes those losses are public and known and sometimes the losses are private.
Some losses are obvious, like a death, and we grieve and people expect us to grieve and they see us grieve. That kind of loss is traumatic and painful and life shaping.  But, possibly, no less life- shaping are the quiet losses we may battle. They are less recognizable.  The loss of hopes and dreams.  The loss of a relationship.  The loss of an ideal.  The loss of what we thought was real or true. Maybe we had expectations of ourselves and we fell short.  Maybe someone else fell short of our expectations of them.  Disappointments, failures, which are losses, essentially, are scattered far and wide and recognizing how we process loss can give us a window into ourselves.
I had a particularly difficult month awhile back.  It stirred up in me a kind of darkness I had never felt. Much of it was off the radar of people I interacted with.  It was quiet and private, but no less life-shaping.  There was loss there.  And there was sadness.
It made me evaluate much.  Chad and I had to muddle through some murky days.  Days that hurt and conversations that dragged on and interactions that had to be worked through.  It felt very dark some days.
What surprised me some, is in what was entirely unrelated as far as circumstances, is how much it turned my thoughts to the time around when my brother, Luke, died. To date what I would consider my hardest loss.  I say the time around, because the actual loss of Luke has been worked through, I think.  I couldn't escape that.  It is still difficult at times, but it is not something I had put away for another time.   Oddly enough, some of the things I said and did during this recent stretch, I could trace to emotions I had had during the months Chad was on deployment and Luke passed away.
I had packed many, many emotions from those months safely away in some compartment, not to be opened. I left them there because so much was out of my control.  I left them there because I didn't see the good in revisiting them.  I had and still have a rock solid marriage. It's miraculous by all accounts.  I felt by pulling those emotions out, I would damage what was built. 
I have circled around them occasionally. I've talked about it before in vague, past tense forms.  Say things like, "Yeah, it was hard," without really engaging the depths of how I felt during those months.  Many know the story of those months.  Chad left 10 days after Autumn was born. Luke and my parents headed to CA to await a transplant.  I spent a month in NE caring for my younger siblings.  Luke got a transplant.  He lived for a month.  Chad flies home from deployment.  Funeral.  Chad leaves again.  It's a narrative told many times.  
It was in the darkness, in the nights alone, though, that that time shaped me for better or for worse.  I can see how some of those emotions get exposed when relationships get stressed.  An "I can do this on my own" armor that got me through those months without Chad goes up.  I don't disengage from the relationship and I'll even fight for it, but mentally, I'm ready to go it alone if it comes to that.  "I'll be alright." I say to myself.  "I did it before and I can do it again."
Truth is I don't know what to do with all that.  I recognize it.  I see those emotions all packed up, but where do they go?  What I've come to realize is they don't need to go anywhere.  I just need to sit with them sometimes.  Let the sadness that I pushed away settle for a time.  I needed Chad to sit with me in them.  To know I felt them then and feel them now. The feeling of being abandoned during the hardest times creeps in and tells me lies. The feelings of having to operate solo take over and I have to remind myself I'm not going it alone anymore.  I don't have to manage emotions that way anymore.  And even more, I have been reminded yet again that there are incredible, gifted people in my life that can and will sit with me in sadness and loss.  They are good with it.  They are powerful allies to have.

Loss shapes us as humans, but some let it define them. They become a victim of their losses.  They see life as a string of losses. Some pack loss away and it is merely a blip on the radar of life. They carry it light and barely touch on the sadness.  I spent several years after Luke died being "the girl who lost her brother."  That's how I thought of myself and I imagined that's how people saw me, when in fact, I have no idea if they did.  Somewhere along the line, I decided I didn't want that label anymore.  I was tired of being defined by loss.  Any loss.  My perspective shifted.  I was reminded again and again that it is in our weaknesses(losses) that we're given strength.  I was never truly alone.  God always sits with us in the darkness.  He puts people in our paths to show us light and lift us up.  He did that years ago and He continues to do it today.  I have been reminded again that my gains have been and will always be greater than any loss because as Sarah Bessey put it, it's in the sadness that the gospel lives despite how hard it is to grasp at times.  Sadness will come, but we don't have to wish them away or ignore them.  We can be sad and remember we still have mercies and grace and joy and abundant love at every turn from a God who will sit in the darkness with us until we can see the Light.  

Mommas

I spent much of yesterday mentally jumping from my own babies, to my mom, to all the friends who are such incredible mommas, to friends who struggle through this day.

Mother's Day can be full of fun and joy and thankfulness, but it can also be wrought with emotions for many.  Dear women who long for their first baby or another baby or a lost baby are reminded of what they don't have.  Friends whose mothers have passed away and they have to walk this day without their mom to thank or send a card to or call.  Or mothers and daughters who have strained relationships.  They must hurt on this day.  I think about them.

I look at my friends and my mom and sisters and sister-in-laws and I'm in awe of the mothers I am surrounded by.  They are doing good, hard work.  Putting time and energy and thought into raising little ones into big ones who can navigate this world with confidence and grace.  It's no small task.

I remember this mom of mere hours. Taking a very tiny Elijah home.  

I remember this baby girl and the joy and turmoil the year after she arrived.  

I still struggle with that time and wish I could go back and remind that momma to stare at those baby girl eyes a little longer.  To tell her that that baby girl would help to save her in many ways.

Life trucks on and some things change and some things stay the same.  

These two.  Still the best of friends.

Our Cory Luke came along when many would say was not the best timing. Chad was a college student/football assistant and I was staying at home.  2 bedroom apartment.  No room for a baby.
Living on a prayer and a few bucks.  We soon realized it was the best timing.
Chocolate eyes and serious chub made him so easy to love.  

Sweet memories.

I felt like we were missing something or someone.  I'd have these moments with the three and feel like I was forgetting someone.
Turns out we were missing this guy.
Our chubby bubby was always shaking things up.  And still is.  And I don't want to imagine a world that he's not putting his mark on.

They grow up.  And I grew up.  I'm still growing up.  People often talk about what mothers do for their children and I just see what they do for me.  They have made me grow and change and shift and mold into a different person.  Each one changes me in their own way.  They make me see the world differently.  They have opened my eyes to much that had been unseen.  I hope they know that.

 And on Mother's Day and every day, I think of them.  The ones that are not yet ours.  That I dream about and pray about and hope for.  That I long to tuck in at night and whisper to them "I love you."

 Mothers' Day is not as simple as it may seem.  It is so many things for so many people.  So hugs to you my momma, for setting such a powerful example.  Cheers my momma friends who dig in with tantrums and sickness and challenges and sweetness and joy!  Prayers to you who struggle through remembering your own mother or fight the emotions of a lost baby or baby not yet known.   You're remembered on this day too.

Words

Words matter.

How you say things. What you say. Who you say them to.  They carry weight.  

They can hurt so badly or heal so powerfully.  They can carry grace and forgiveness, mercy and love.  Or they can damage and destroy.  Damage relationships.  Destroy friendships.  Make people question your integrity and character.  When emotions are high and stress is pressing, choose your words carefully.  You can't take them back once they are spoken.  Speak words of truth.  We all need people we can let loose a bit with our emotions.  Safe places. That doesn't mean its a free for all, but it does mean you know these people know you and know your heart.

Moving through life, developing relationships with people is hard work.  The characteristic I have found myself most drawn to are those who are thoughtful speakers and gracious listeners.  And they carry with them a huge capacity for forgiveness.  They are not ones who talk just to talk. They talk with purpose.  With positivity. With grace.   

I strive to speak in the same manner.  What I've found is that what is often the best thing to say is nothing at all.  This is a practice in willpower and patience because when we feel attacked I think our initial response is to fight back...with words.  We want to defend ourselves.  Make wrongs right.  We want to make sure we're heard.  

My struggle is always with myself.  Knowing words are being spoken about you and choosing to let them be said without your voice included is hard.  I just so firmly believe that actions speak louder than words and my hope is always that my actions are loud enough.  Engaging in verbal banter does so little to promote a cause.   And so I choose to let the words swirl around me and turn my ears elsewhere.  I will focus in on the people who speak well of each other and lift each other up.  I will spend my time speaking well of others.  I will continue to fight that inner battle.  To give grace over and over again.