Bullet Points...

The past few months in pictures!

Somehow over the years, this baby girl...

 Turned into this beautiful girl.

She is everything a momma could hope for in a daughter.  Thoughtful and responsible.  Kind and generous. 

Patient and sweet.  

Jackpot.

 

Her very best friends threw her a Hunger Games themed birthday party!  

 *Halloween came and went quickly.  The older the kids get, the less stressful this becomes.  We had a Ninja, Batman, and Katniss this year. 

Oh and Michael Jordan, of course...

My Mom and Dad came for Grandparents Day at Elyria for Caleb.  It was so, so special! 

 They are really just the best.

Our second annual MacTown Throwdown proved to be much bigger than we anticipated.  

75 athletes from 3 states.  It was an awesome problem to figure out.

We freshened up the gym a bit.

Friends came to the rescue in many different ways.

This guy made the whole thing run like a well oiled machine.  It was logistically insane because we didn't really have enough equipment to accommodate that many athletes.  We had other gyms help us out and Chad had it all figured out.  It was impressive to say the least.

*Thanksgiving was awesome, as usual.  Grace and Seth came again this year which makes it super special cause they are so stinkin' fun!
Autumn made CHEESECAKES!!  

 My sister is so pretty.

 Family!

My brother is really pretty too ;-) 

And finally, these are hanging in my kitchen now.  They were my grandma's from Haiti and I adore them.  They make me smile.

I think I'm caught up.  Kinda.  In pictures, at least.  In thoughts? I may never be caught up there :)

Pause

It seems after something tragic, my brain shuts down a bit and it's hard to put together thoughts in a "bloggish" fashion.
We're busy.  It's the holidays.  I have a million thoughts in a day that could be shared and no time or energy to share them.  Things have happened in our lives(competition at the gym, first middle school games, birthday for the girl, etc), in the world (Ferguson, ebola) and I have thoughts on all of them that I would like to put in my little journal here, but it's too much to keep up with.  I feel a bullet point post coming on ;-)
I haven't been sleeping well and I have 2 canker sores which is a sure sign that I'm stressed.  Money is super non-existent after paying out our annual affiliation fee and insurance at the gym. Holiday shopping is looming and this next week is full.  End of semester assignments and tests that aren't getting done, basketball games, and Christmas concerts.  That beautiful thing called margin

And then today, when I had big plans to put a big dent in my homework, this...

Sick baby.  

The rest of life shut down and I remember why I'm here. 

 Sometimes I need the reminder.  Wish it didn't have to come in the form of a vomiting child.  

Passing through

I'm not sure I can catch up sufficiently from the past 2 weeks, but I feel like I need to try.  My last post was pre-funeral and so much has happened since then.  Something about grief and insane amounts of busyness makes a girl not want to blog.
My grandma passed away on Oct. 21.  Autumn's birthday.  I was so terribly sad that night and the fact that it was on her birthday made me all the more introspective as we celebrated life in the midst of news about death.   A reminder that we are just passing through this world.
There is a big empty space in our family now.  I know we all feel it in varying degrees.  Marge had a special place in many, many people's lives and we're all dealing with it in our own way.  
Mostly I'm just thankful.  Thankful that I had a special, awesome relationship with her.  Grateful that she was able to be here for so much of my "big" things in life.  Thankful she left little pieces of who she was in letters over the years, in thoughtful gifts and in conversations that I will not soon forget.  So thankful she and Grandpa fell in love with Haiti.  Those few years for her and my Grandpa led to many years of support for the Lutheran church in Haiti, which 2 generations later, led us there.  It's a powerful circle and one we hope will include adoption.  She left a legacy of faith and kindness and laughter and there is not much more you can ask for in life.  

The beautiful thing about funerals is how they can bring people together.  My siblings are rarely all together, but everyone made the time and put down the money to get there. Due to travel and schedules her funeral wasn't until the following Monday, Oct. 27. 

The service was nice.  The committal was a bit more tough for everyone, I think.  She is buried close to Grandpa and Luke.  I know being right there was difficult for some, myself included.  Memories flooded.
We managed to get a few pictures together back at the house.

I always miss Luke in these circumstances.

We're a force. 

And moderately good looking.  

Some would say very good looking :-)

Add in a few in-laws and the awesome factor takes a leap.  

I'm partial, I suppose, but my siblings have married very well. 

 The thing about family is, we seem to have the same language regardless of time or age.

I have hilarious brothers and sisters.  Where 2 or 3 are joined together...there is laughing and joking.  

We can be sad and serious and hold each other up.

And we can laugh even in the midst of sadness.
I find it to be an essential trait.

Holding on

I've sat down to write this post a few times and I walk away. Sometimes I walk away because I don't have the right words. Sometimes I walk away because I can't see the screen through the tears.  
My Grandma Dahlke took a terrible fall. Down a flight of stairs. It was traumatic, to say the least.  She is banged up, to say the least. The decision was made to put her on hospice care. She is 94 and not in a condition that would warrant surgeries or additional interventions.  
Behind the facts of the situation is a sadness that is so deep.  I can't really describe the loss.  I don't know that any words can really express the breadth of influence she has had on me, personally. It is too far and too deep.  I love her dearly and I know she loves me because she has said it over and and over and shown it in a million different ways over my life.  She is a constant presence, my cheerleader, the best story teller, and wise. Oh so wise.  Nothing has been off the table to talk about and you don't go 94 years without learning a few things.

I spent last weekend at home with her and some other family members.  As she laid in her bed in the living room, she reached for hands to hold.  Her hands fascinated me.  They have done so much over 94 years.  I thought about all the times they cared for me.  The times she took my hands in hers to reassure me, to grab me and hug me, to help me.  And as she grabbed onto each persons' hand as they sat with her, I needed to preserve those hands.  

My mom, mine and Autumn's hands.

My Grandma Koller.

My dad's huge hand holding on to his momma.

My mom, who has cared for her for so many years, caring still.

Dan

Karen

Me.

Gabe

Seth

Grace.

Cory Luke

Autumn

Liz

We are all having a hard time with the thought of her not being with us anymore.  When someone is so deeply woven into the fabric of your years, those threads don't want to let go.  

I don't want to let her go.  

The best kind of strong.

I was talking with my little sister the other day and we were talking about how hard it is to really share what has caused us pain either in our past or currently.  She is part of a really awesome church and has an awesome small group she is getting to know.  Part of having a group of people you trust and care for is really knowing each other, which often means letting them in on our life experiences. The life experiences that hurt us and inevitably shaped us.
It's just hard, we said.  Hard to trust people with those feelings. My rockstar sister is the "I'm good" girl.  She makes me look like a pansy.  She will carry on and mosey from day to day without letting on that she may be wrecked inside.  No one will know she is weighed down with this or that.  She feels guilty letting people in on her pain.  She doesn't want to bother anyone.  Some would say she is strong and she is, but learning to trust takes a whole other level of strong.
As a child, she was labeled as dramatic, and for years, was not able to shake that.  She believed she was, but in reality, and what we can see now, is her feelings outweighed her ability to manage them. Which, shockingly, is normal.  She still struggles with that label though and rather than share real, valuable emotions and feelings, it seems safer to keep those to herself.  
I think we all do that to some degree.  Not everyone gets let in and I think that's ok, but guilt that we don't want others to be bothered with it isn't the thing that should be holding us back from sharing.  She is learning to let go of that label now.  And it's beautiful to watch.   Being dramatic invokes thoughts of acting or stages or pretend emotions.  Nothing about this is pretend.  She and I, both, FEEL.  ALOT. We can't undo that part of ourselves, but learning how to manage those and share those are a struggle and a necessity.  I'm so proud of her.  Being ten years apart did not give us a childhood together, but I can say that having her as a friend as an adult is such a gift.  She is the best kind of strong.

My heart hurts

I knew it was going to happen at some point.  He'd realize what going away for high school really meant.  

This boy who is on the edge of becoming a man has a depth that makes me proud and makes me hurt.  He thinks and feels and processes so much.  It is painfully familiar.
He knocked on our door last night after 10 and had a nervous, shifty presence.  He said, "There is something that has been bothering me.  Is going to St. Paul my choice?"

It is. 

And it isn't.

And "Why do you ask?  What's up?"

What we talked about  next was heartbreaking to me and clearly weighed heavily on him, my first baby.  

I wonder if we messed something up along the way.  If we didn't encourage his friendships enough over the years.  If we sent the message that his friendships here won't last if he goes away for high school.  If we unknowingly made him think it wasn't worth the effort to make friends here.  I think we failed him somewhere.

He said he read a book awhile back.  I remember him reading it.  I thought I would probably like it too.  It was about a boy who was a star football player and found out he had cancer in his leg and had to have it amputated below the knee.  This boy had just two friends who stayed with him through it all and remained his friends after. He said he started thinking about his friends after reading it. Started wondering if he didn't play football or basketball, who would his friends be?  Which of the kids he now calls friends would still want to be his friend?  He realized it's may not be many.  He is getting attention at school these days for his play on the football field.  He is struggling with his identity.  He said he worked so hard last year to become a better basketball player because he saw how the kids who were good stuck together. He wanted a crowd to stick with.  He wanted an in.                                                           

It never occurred to me last year that all those hours at the Y, were because he wanted a friend.  And now that he feels like he has friends, for maybe the first time in years, he is scared to leave them. That they will stop being his friends, if he goes away.
And I couldn't promise him that they wouldn't.  Big tears from my man-child.  He hurts thinking about losing friends he feels like he put so much time into acquiring.  I hurt thinking about all the time he spent thinking being a better athlete would equal having better friends.

Identity is tricky at any age, but middle school, especially.  He's struggling coming to terms with the fact that he is more than a boy with a ball, yet that is how he has defined himself and how many others have seemingly defined him or valued him.  He feels an enormous amount of pressure to do well on the field and the court. For him, his friendships depend on it.

We talked a long time about friendships.  The variety, the quality, the value in friends who see beyond your surface.  We talked about this town and it's people who are born and raised and how hard that is sometimes to never quite fit.  To recognize that even though he gets to go to St. Paul next year, the friendships that are of value here will remain and the friendships he forges there will be solid and long-lasting.  We talked about how to maintain those friendships through the changes that will come.  We talked about identity and what that means at this age and any age.  

He has a deep need to connect with people.  He is a deep thinker, a philosophical processor.  We reminded him again and again that his value does not lie in what he does.  All the qualities he possesses are valuable. He is a hard-worker. Passionate. Intelligent. Kind. Patient. And for now, the field and the court is where he can express those characteristics, but he is all of those things and more whether he is playing ball or not.  
As much as it hurt to see him struggle, I hugged him tight, and felt so thankful that he is able to share his turmoil with us.  The lessons he's learning now are not easy.  I am still navigating friendships that are at times difficult and complicated.  I wish I could tell him it all gets easier, but it probably won't.  It feels like a big decision to leave home and go away to high school and it is and as much as we want him to be a part of that decision, it's too much pressure for him to have the final say.  So we said, yes, he'll go.  But it's not final.  If it turns out to not be the best place for him, he can come home.  He needs to be able to make connections here that he can hold on to and be confident in.  

I imagine this will not be the last conversation like this as the year goes on.  

Fear factor

Do you remember that show?  
Fear Factor?  
Chad and I use to watch it all the time.  I remember telling him several times, he should go on it.  Basically, they took all the "big" fears that people have-bugs, snakes, water, heights, etc- and in any variety of circumstances made people face those fears for a time. 
It was so interesting to me.  Some people overcame really awful situations.  Others just couldn't go through with whatever it was they were tasked to do.
I don't have many deep, paralyzing fears.  I don't like bugs and snakes, per say, but I'm not afraid of them.  They don't cause me stress.  I don't mind heights too much.  Water, may be the one thing that gets me.  Treading water? Fine.  Going underwater for any length of time would do me in.  And I wonder why?  I don't think I ever had anything close to a drowning experience.  I love the ocean and pools and lakes.  But, being under the water makes me freak out a bit.
Those tangible fears we have are so real to the people who possess them.  What about the intangible fears?  Fearing the unknown? Fearing sickness? Or death? Or change?  Or failing?  Or succeeding?
I've mentioned it before, but I had a stretch of time this past year that was debilitating.  Anxiety, which was really fear, took over.  It took weeks to work through that and months to be able to look at it objectively.  What has struck me looking back and I'm so thankful to be looking back with a clear head, is that the fear took over despite any and all head knowledge of what was going on.  I was thankful more than a few times that I had people around me that could hear me and knew me well enough to help me recognize and decipher rational from irrational.  I am not a fearful person and I was becoming unrecognizable even to myself.  
Thankfully, time provides a beautiful sense of perspective.  I've grown much these past months.  I've learned to trust my instincts more.  To give myself and others more grace, because there is just never, ever too much grace.  I've learned to own where we are in our lives more. I've learned that anxiety is real and can be paralyzing.  I've learned to forgive more.  I've learned communicating only works if the person you're talking to hears you.  I've learned to never assume they hear you.  I've learned that I'm married to a man who doesn't want me to hide the dark places of my thoughts from him.  That he can and will sit with me there.  I've learned I have kids who can weather an enormous amount of "crazy mom." I've learned that I have friends. Really good friends who let me be sad or happy or scared without judgment.  And most importantly, I'm still learning that I have a gracious God, who despite a mountain of doubts and questions and fears, seems intent on making His presence known.
I still fear being underwater and I imagine I'll fear the intangible again, but I hope it doesn't hold.  I hope I have this same little army to weather it with me.  And I wonder if I faced the water, if it would be as fearful as I imagine it to be?  

Photo/brain dump

It's fall(ish), guys.  That means things to do and get done and get to and get home from and orchestrate and organize and remember to do and scramble to keep up with kind of days.
This month of September is ok though.  Its busy but steady. No frenzy yet.  October may be a different story.  It's a practice, a hard one, at taking one day at a time. 
And yet, I'm finding these pockets of time to rest.  Not every day, but some days and not for long, but for moments.  I like it.
I've noticed I don't do anything really differently than I did when I had the kids home during the day, it's just quieter when I do them. I still do homework, clean occasionally, workout, run errands.  Do life.  I just don't have anyone tagging along or interrupting.  I don't mind it, really.  It just feels different.  Not bad.  Different.  Every momma of young kids dreams for this day. And it's good, but I wouldn't wish the little days away if I could go back.  As nice as it is to have the quiet, it just reminds me that they'll be gone soon. Like really gone.  Not just gone til 3.
Here's a bit of a run down of September in pictures!

Post-game meal! Elijah is having a pretty awesome season so far.  He's loving playing receiver!

Corky's first season of flag football.  He's quite the little stud.

Autumn playing VB.  It's slow going at this age, but she is having fun and getting better!

Birthday cake by Autumn.  It was BEYOND good.  Like BEYOND.  She is a baker.

Spent my whole birthday with my favorite person.  

First speech.  Starbucks.

High School reunion.  15 years.  Loved catching up with some friends.  Always wish we stayed in better touch...

Luke's memorial tree on campus.  Evidence of the years that have passed.

On any given road trip, Caleb will want my phone to take pictures.  This is usually what happens.

First day of school!

And where we spend the majority of our "free" time.  Such a gift.

And September isn't even over yet!!