Summertime

I adore summer.  The heat.  The laziness.  The pool time.  I do love it.
I've always had someone homeschooling and usually 2 or 3 someones so the "shock" of having kids home all day, every day is not as intense as it is for some.  Family dynamics being as they are, though, I have two little boys, that while left to their own are quite enjoyable to be around, together they are often, um, difficult.  
They fight.  They argue.  They battle.  A lot.
I'm determined to not spend my days yelling at them to get along. Obviously that tactic has worked perfectly, so I'm not sure why I'm going to try and give it up...
So, with pinterest and some other friends posting their intent of a summer fun list, I decided we'll give it a go.  I am such a HORRIBLE follow-througher(made-up word.  I know).  I can make a glorious list and plan a glorious plan. I get to the point of execution...AND I take a nap.  Or stare at the walls.  Or take a nap.
We have a relatively busy summer.  Some basketball camps, drawing class, regular Crossfit classes at the gym, kids Crossfit camp, family vacation/wedding are all in the works.  But, I know there will be days of "I'm bored."  
So our list was made...drum roll...

We'll see how this goes.  I have high hopes.  

Happy Summer!

Loss

I read this. Go read it.  Sarah Bessey can speak to the heart like few others.
It struck me.  Deeply.  And I've been stumbling around trying to put my finger on it.  Sadness isn't something many people are comfortable with.  We put it away.  Keep it hidden.  Talk about in past tense.  It's something we went through, but few get to sit with us in the moments.  In the darkness.  My mom has also been in hospice care like Sarah's mother-in-law.  My mom has had experience with death and she has a gift.  She can sit in the sadness with people.  She has been in the deepest, darkest places herself.  She knows death.  She sat with my brother as he passed.  She cared for my grandpa at home as he passed.  I have learned so much from watching her do this for people so well.

After I read Sarah's post, loss is what I keep circling around.  The deep sadnesses we encounter in our lives are rooted in loss. Sometimes those losses are public and known and sometimes the losses are private.
Some losses are obvious, like a death, and we grieve and people expect us to grieve and they see us grieve. That kind of loss is traumatic and painful and life shaping.  But, possibly, no less life- shaping are the quiet losses we may battle. They are less recognizable.  The loss of hopes and dreams.  The loss of a relationship.  The loss of an ideal.  The loss of what we thought was real or true. Maybe we had expectations of ourselves and we fell short.  Maybe someone else fell short of our expectations of them.  Disappointments, failures, which are losses, essentially, are scattered far and wide and recognizing how we process loss can give us a window into ourselves.
I had a particularly difficult month awhile back.  It stirred up in me a kind of darkness I had never felt. Much of it was off the radar of people I interacted with.  It was quiet and private, but no less life-shaping.  There was loss there.  And there was sadness.
It made me evaluate much.  Chad and I had to muddle through some murky days.  Days that hurt and conversations that dragged on and interactions that had to be worked through.  It felt very dark some days.
What surprised me some, is in what was entirely unrelated as far as circumstances, is how much it turned my thoughts to the time around when my brother, Luke, died. To date what I would consider my hardest loss.  I say the time around, because the actual loss of Luke has been worked through, I think.  I couldn't escape that.  It is still difficult at times, but it is not something I had put away for another time.   Oddly enough, some of the things I said and did during this recent stretch, I could trace to emotions I had had during the months Chad was on deployment and Luke passed away.
I had packed many, many emotions from those months safely away in some compartment, not to be opened. I left them there because so much was out of my control.  I left them there because I didn't see the good in revisiting them.  I had and still have a rock solid marriage. It's miraculous by all accounts.  I felt by pulling those emotions out, I would damage what was built. 
I have circled around them occasionally. I've talked about it before in vague, past tense forms.  Say things like, "Yeah, it was hard," without really engaging the depths of how I felt during those months.  Many know the story of those months.  Chad left 10 days after Autumn was born. Luke and my parents headed to CA to await a transplant.  I spent a month in NE caring for my younger siblings.  Luke got a transplant.  He lived for a month.  Chad flies home from deployment.  Funeral.  Chad leaves again.  It's a narrative told many times.  
It was in the darkness, in the nights alone, though, that that time shaped me for better or for worse.  I can see how some of those emotions get exposed when relationships get stressed.  An "I can do this on my own" armor that got me through those months without Chad goes up.  I don't disengage from the relationship and I'll even fight for it, but mentally, I'm ready to go it alone if it comes to that.  "I'll be alright." I say to myself.  "I did it before and I can do it again."
Truth is I don't know what to do with all that.  I recognize it.  I see those emotions all packed up, but where do they go?  What I've come to realize is they don't need to go anywhere.  I just need to sit with them sometimes.  Let the sadness that I pushed away settle for a time.  I needed Chad to sit with me in them.  To know I felt them then and feel them now. The feeling of being abandoned during the hardest times creeps in and tells me lies. The feelings of having to operate solo take over and I have to remind myself I'm not going it alone anymore.  I don't have to manage emotions that way anymore.  And even more, I have been reminded yet again that there are incredible, gifted people in my life that can and will sit with me in sadness and loss.  They are good with it.  They are powerful allies to have.

Loss shapes us as humans, but some let it define them. They become a victim of their losses.  They see life as a string of losses. Some pack loss away and it is merely a blip on the radar of life. They carry it light and barely touch on the sadness.  I spent several years after Luke died being "the girl who lost her brother."  That's how I thought of myself and I imagined that's how people saw me, when in fact, I have no idea if they did.  Somewhere along the line, I decided I didn't want that label anymore.  I was tired of being defined by loss.  Any loss.  My perspective shifted.  I was reminded again and again that it is in our weaknesses(losses) that we're given strength.  I was never truly alone.  God always sits with us in the darkness.  He puts people in our paths to show us light and lift us up.  He did that years ago and He continues to do it today.  I have been reminded again that my gains have been and will always be greater than any loss because as Sarah Bessey put it, it's in the sadness that the gospel lives despite how hard it is to grasp at times.  Sadness will come, but we don't have to wish them away or ignore them.  We can be sad and remember we still have mercies and grace and joy and abundant love at every turn from a God who will sit in the darkness with us until we can see the Light.  

Mommas

I spent much of yesterday mentally jumping from my own babies, to my mom, to all the friends who are such incredible mommas, to friends who struggle through this day.

Mother's Day can be full of fun and joy and thankfulness, but it can also be wrought with emotions for many.  Dear women who long for their first baby or another baby or a lost baby are reminded of what they don't have.  Friends whose mothers have passed away and they have to walk this day without their mom to thank or send a card to or call.  Or mothers and daughters who have strained relationships.  They must hurt on this day.  I think about them.

I look at my friends and my mom and sisters and sister-in-laws and I'm in awe of the mothers I am surrounded by.  They are doing good, hard work.  Putting time and energy and thought into raising little ones into big ones who can navigate this world with confidence and grace.  It's no small task.

I remember this mom of mere hours. Taking a very tiny Elijah home.  

I remember this baby girl and the joy and turmoil the year after she arrived.  

I still struggle with that time and wish I could go back and remind that momma to stare at those baby girl eyes a little longer.  To tell her that that baby girl would help to save her in many ways.

Life trucks on and some things change and some things stay the same.  

These two.  Still the best of friends.

Our Cory Luke came along when many would say was not the best timing. Chad was a college student/football assistant and I was staying at home.  2 bedroom apartment.  No room for a baby.
Living on a prayer and a few bucks.  We soon realized it was the best timing.
Chocolate eyes and serious chub made him so easy to love.  

Sweet memories.

I felt like we were missing something or someone.  I'd have these moments with the three and feel like I was forgetting someone.
Turns out we were missing this guy.
Our chubby bubby was always shaking things up.  And still is.  And I don't want to imagine a world that he's not putting his mark on.

They grow up.  And I grew up.  I'm still growing up.  People often talk about what mothers do for their children and I just see what they do for me.  They have made me grow and change and shift and mold into a different person.  Each one changes me in their own way.  They make me see the world differently.  They have opened my eyes to much that had been unseen.  I hope they know that.

 And on Mother's Day and every day, I think of them.  The ones that are not yet ours.  That I dream about and pray about and hope for.  That I long to tuck in at night and whisper to them "I love you."

 Mothers' Day is not as simple as it may seem.  It is so many things for so many people.  So hugs to you my momma, for setting such a powerful example.  Cheers my momma friends who dig in with tantrums and sickness and challenges and sweetness and joy!  Prayers to you who struggle through remembering your own mother or fight the emotions of a lost baby or baby not yet known.   You're remembered on this day too.

Words

Words matter.

How you say things. What you say. Who you say them to.  They carry weight.  

They can hurt so badly or heal so powerfully.  They can carry grace and forgiveness, mercy and love.  Or they can damage and destroy.  Damage relationships.  Destroy friendships.  Make people question your integrity and character.  When emotions are high and stress is pressing, choose your words carefully.  You can't take them back once they are spoken.  Speak words of truth.  We all need people we can let loose a bit with our emotions.  Safe places. That doesn't mean its a free for all, but it does mean you know these people know you and know your heart.

Moving through life, developing relationships with people is hard work.  The characteristic I have found myself most drawn to are those who are thoughtful speakers and gracious listeners.  And they carry with them a huge capacity for forgiveness.  They are not ones who talk just to talk. They talk with purpose.  With positivity. With grace.   

I strive to speak in the same manner.  What I've found is that what is often the best thing to say is nothing at all.  This is a practice in willpower and patience because when we feel attacked I think our initial response is to fight back...with words.  We want to defend ourselves.  Make wrongs right.  We want to make sure we're heard.  

My struggle is always with myself.  Knowing words are being spoken about you and choosing to let them be said without your voice included is hard.  I just so firmly believe that actions speak louder than words and my hope is always that my actions are loud enough.  Engaging in verbal banter does so little to promote a cause.   And so I choose to let the words swirl around me and turn my ears elsewhere.  I will focus in on the people who speak well of each other and lift each other up.  I will spend my time speaking well of others.  I will continue to fight that inner battle.  To give grace over and over again.

Big weekend!

We hit the ground running as soon as we returned from Haiti.  No easing back into life this time around.  With the end of the school year fast approaching, the uptick of activities have started.  
I'm highly anticipating summer time!  Breakfast on the porch, lazy days, afternoons by the pool, and different activities for the kids.  
We had to power through these few weeks first!  And in my typical fashion, when we have a big family event, like Autumn's confirmation, I decide to take on house projects.  Why do I do this?  I do not know.  
Our interior has been in dire need of repainting so I decided that was going to happen before Autumn's confirmation.  It was a ton of work, but I love how it turned out!

 From beige to gray!

Trim went from a white white to a cream and I painted the baseboards the same as the walls.

 Kitchen went from beige to YELLOW!

Painted the piano an icy blueish and didn't like it so repainted it less icy and more turquoise.

Originally painted the bench the color of the kitchen and didn't like it so painted it black!  

LOVE!

And after many years of hand me down furniture, we bought a new sectional for the living room!

With a big confirmation day on Sunday, we also hosted our 2nd annual Raise the Bar for Haiti event on Saturday!  Lots of fun!

 We had PERFECT weather for the event!

Chad explaining the workout.  I was the demo girl for movement standards. :)

Awesome group from Crossfit Old 81 in Newton

Our Pathos people!

Fun bunch from CrossFit McPherson Y!  Love having these guys around!

Great team from CrossFit Calamity in Wichita!

Saturday afternoon and evening were spent prepping for Autumn's big day.  She has worked really hard these past two years and we're so proud of her and her growing faith.  

 So close to a normal picture.  Caleb has sticky tack.  I don't even know.

With Uncle Seth, her godfather.

Isn't my mom beautiful?!?!  I think she just keeps getting more beautiful as the years go by.  

My dad is pretty dapper himself.  It's the beard.  :)

 I LOVE the face she is giving Grandpa!

Dad and Mom Muehler are really just the best.  I am so thankful for such wonderful in laws.  No horror stories here.  They truly are amazing.

Little A not looking so little.

My girl.