This was in many ways the best day and the worst day of the week. It was our final full day in Haiti and I journaled that day that I hated even writing that let alone living it. Knowing we were leaving so soon left us clinging to each moment.
The kids went to school that morning so Chad and I had a slow morning again finishing the puzzle we had started that week before going down for breakfast. Even those moments we just settled in to. It was more time together one on one that we had spent together in probably 20 years. We both really enjoyed it. We had a mango which are the absolute best in Haiti. Then Syl had us come outside and showed us how she was making chakas(sp?) which is a boiled plantain and made into a soup like consistency. It was served warm with bread and it was quite good. I was not feeling very well this morning and my burn had taken on a bright, red infected look so after I did an aloe treatment, I slathered with antibiotic ointment and laid down. Nickson was the only one home this morning so he and Chad spent time together doing a puzzle while I rested. Once I got up, the girls were home and then the real fun started! Dania and I worked on a puzzle while Amessanitha and Chad worked on one. It turned into a bit of a race which was kinda fun.
Syl was making our manba so we helped sort peanuts. Originally, we didn't know what she was working on and the peanuts were red and looked like beans so I thought we were helping with dinner prep. After we crushed them, we realized what we were helping with! The whole process was awesome. We sorted out the bad ones, Syl roasted them, we crushed them, Syl flipped them in a big basket so the layers would fly away, we sorted them again and then she took them to be cooked down. Chad was helping too which she thought was quite funny since I don't think men generally help in the kitchen! The kids were all helping with it all too and we just all spent those hours together working. I loved it.
She also showed us how she was making jou mou soup, which is the traditional Independence Day soup in Haiti. It was so delicious! Maybe my favorite thing all week! Cremas was also getting made at this time which required Syl to crack coconuts, the kids pulled the meat from the shell, and then they spent HOURS shredding it! Josie and the boys got home around this time and helped.
Once the shredding was done, Josie took the meat of it and put it into a cloth and squeezed the milk out!. Then sugar, evaporated milk, sweetened condensed mil, 95% alcohol(which Josie had checked to make sure didn't have ethanol in it!) and lime juice and zest were added to the bucket! Stir, taste, stir, taste. All without modern conveniences like a can opener, or mixer or anything! We were able to get the manba and cremas home to share with people!
That evening, we decided to go see our friend, Jacky, for a little bit. She is one of Josie's closest friends and has been so supportive of the orphanage and Josie over the years. She didn't live far away and we wanted to just go say hi. As we were getting ready to leave, Amessanitha asked how long we would be gone. I immediately questioned if we should go. It was a swirl of emotions and if I could do it over, I don't know that I would have gone. As we drove away, I was feeling just enormous guilt. It was a moment looking back that I think I felt an instinct and went against that instinct. Nothing happened. It wasn't an awful decision, but it wasn't one I would make again. We were gone about an hour and it was nice to see Jacky and visit, but we should have stayed back with the kids.
Once we got back, we asked Josie to translate for us so we could talk to the kids about our leaving the next day. We didn't want to say big goodbyes at church or the airport. It was a gut-wrenching conversation. We told them we had to leave the next day. We told them we loved them before, but this week with them just made us love them even more. Amessanitha was completely dejected, with head down, tears streaming. We spent the next 45 minutes on the couch, close, hugging as we both cried. I used an app to communicate words some. The emotions didn't need any app. We all felt it. The sadness and grief in saying goodbye. It's still hard to talk about even today. We talked about maybe when we could come back. When we thought we would come get them for good. We told her we wanted her to be happy and enjoy school. That we loved her so much. Nickson reacted a little differently and how we expected. He understands whats going on, but I don't think has had the years of understanding and anticipating that Amessanitha has had. He was concerned about her and how upset she was. He and Chad played Jenga and games on his phone while Amessanitha and I cried and talked. After awhile, I asked her if she was ok and if she was ready to go to sleep for the night. She said yes and walked over to Josie in tears. I sat back and watched in awe with still more tears. They have such a beautiful relationship. I cried for Josie then. I have so many thoughts and feelings there for them. I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to express them.
We had devotions and good nights. More tears and hugs. I was so overwhelmed with how traumatic this all for for everyone. I hated this part. Who leaves their kids? They are our children and the next day, we would just board a plane, not knowing when we would return. I really struggled with that.
Sunday we woke up, got ready for church and headed out. We stayed close to the kids all morning. As soon as church was over, the kids, Josie and Chad and I got into the truck and headed to the airport. Josie had A and N come into the airport with us while we checked our bags and she parked. It was brilliant on her part. They had never been in the airport before and the next time they probably would be is when we come get them for good. Now at least they have seen a little of that first process. We walked to security and again said our goodbyes quietly. Tight hugs and promises to video call each week.
Our flight ended up being delayed a few hours out which was frustrating since we could have been with them longer. At that point, we both felt I think that we wanted to get home and hurry up the next part.
Home again, next...
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Friday
This day came with much expectation and a little bit of nerves. We had our appointment with IBESR, the Haitian Immigration office, set for 10:00am. We didn't really know what to expect from the appointment as far as what they would ask us.
The day started early at 530 with a cold shower, our dress clothes, coffee and kids getting ready for school. We had to leave early because Josie had to drop her boys off at school on our way and the area around the IBESR office has terrible traffic. We loaded up in the truck with the boys and a crew of neighborhood tag alongs in the back. We talked about that a bit. In the US, giving someone a ride that you see walking, is not common and often considered dangerous. Although back in the day so hitch hiking, not as much. In Haiti, they don't understand why you wouldn't ask someone from your neighborhood if they needed a ride. Josie leaves for a particular part of PAP at this time all week, so if anyone needs to get to that area, they just hop in the back. I love the kindness of it all.
We took a long, winding drive to drop the boys off at school and then on to IBESR.
Josie, always knowing the right thing to do, had us to the offices just after 8 when it's suppose to open. The office itself was terribly run down, as is much of that area around the old palace. We go in and up a few flights of stairs to a waiting area outside some offices. Roby was along as our translator and Amessanitha and Nickson would also be going into the interview with us. Everyone was dressed so nicely! I was anxious, but not nervous. We have said and will say how important Roby has been in this whole process. His kindness and love towards us and the kids has been such a gift. I can't imagine going into that interview with a translator that didn't know us. He put my heart at ease.
We didn't have to wait too long and were called back around 9:15 to the social worker's office. I don't remember his name, but he had a really gentle vibe. Not overly serious or harsh. Just kind. The AC was running high in his office and it was quite chilly. At one point, Amessanitha asked to turn it down because she was cold.
The interview itself was a bit of a blur. All in French and Roby was just magic. I don't know what he said, but I can't tell you how safe we felt with him translating what we said to the social worker. We just knew that Roby knew us and knew our heart and would articulate that. He asked us about our relationship, how we are as parents, asked us about each other's parenting styles, how we are as friends and family. He asked about our bio kids and what they thought. So many questions about how we felt at each stage of the process. Lots of how did you feel, which is totally my jam :-) He explained it like if we were pregnant and the stages and I loved that bc I have told people just that. It's like the longest pregnancy ever!
Chad was awesome. I think together we were able to express how much this means to us and how much a part of our family they already are. We didn't have to discuss knowing them all these years since he didn't bring it up. We just kind avoided it.
He also asked the kids what they thought and if they understood. At the end, he asked if we were satisfied and wanted to proceed. We said, yes, as I choked back tears. He said as far as they are concerned, Amessanitha and Nickson, are our children. We can visit them, talk to them, anything.
Amessanitha asked why we were only able to stay one week and then how much longer before they can come back with us. He said 6-12 more months and no one liked that answer.
He then asked Josie to come back after we left the office. I got a little nervous about how much he would ask about our relationship. She came out and said it was all ok. He had asked about us and the children and if she had any doubts about the match. She had none.
Then we ran some errands and spent the day together. It was my favorite day. We stopped for a meal at a cafe next to the supermarket and had pizza and sandwiches. We went through the supermarket and picked up some coffee and tea and limonade to take home for the boys. Something seemed to shift with us and the kids after the meeting. They were less shy, more engaging. They had heard everything we had said and were asked so maybe it became more real for them too. That we had wanted them and loved them so much all this time.
We went and picked up Josie's boys from school and headed home. Once we made it back, Chad and I went to changed and I let myself cry into his shoulder for a bit. It was such a big moment and I needed to feel it. I don't know if I can ever fully explain how much they have always felt like ours, but this pushed that even farther. Someone else said they are ours also. Someone else knows them as our children. They are our children. Now we just need the countries to let us be together.
We rested a bit while the kids did homework, then dinner, rest again, bible study and they finished up their homework. So much homework. Because of the shut down of schools at the beginning of the year, the kids were now going to school on Saturdays to make up for it. WE did play Jenga and Uno and I played some farkle with Dania. We gave the kids and Syl their gifts of chocolate and the soccer ball also that night. Sweet Josie was so worn out, she fell asleep on the cot and we played til about 940. We told everyone to head to bed at that point and felt rather parental :-) Nickson was watching a show on the laptop and we had to tell him no more. It was maybe the first time that week that we established ourselves as parents. It was an odd dynamic.
This day was meaningful and deep for another reason. Leonard was shot that day 3 years prior. Roby and I spoke of him often that week and that day in particular. He will sit heavy in all my Haiti memories. He did this trip in particular. He would have been so happy for us.
All these layers and days and emotions are hard to process sometimes. I'm 2 months out from this day and just now writing about it. I carry with me every day the pain of separation and anticipation. It never goes away.
Our last full day in Haiti coming up...
The day started early at 530 with a cold shower, our dress clothes, coffee and kids getting ready for school. We had to leave early because Josie had to drop her boys off at school on our way and the area around the IBESR office has terrible traffic. We loaded up in the truck with the boys and a crew of neighborhood tag alongs in the back. We talked about that a bit. In the US, giving someone a ride that you see walking, is not common and often considered dangerous. Although back in the day so hitch hiking, not as much. In Haiti, they don't understand why you wouldn't ask someone from your neighborhood if they needed a ride. Josie leaves for a particular part of PAP at this time all week, so if anyone needs to get to that area, they just hop in the back. I love the kindness of it all.
We took a long, winding drive to drop the boys off at school and then on to IBESR.
Josie, always knowing the right thing to do, had us to the offices just after 8 when it's suppose to open. The office itself was terribly run down, as is much of that area around the old palace. We go in and up a few flights of stairs to a waiting area outside some offices. Roby was along as our translator and Amessanitha and Nickson would also be going into the interview with us. Everyone was dressed so nicely! I was anxious, but not nervous. We have said and will say how important Roby has been in this whole process. His kindness and love towards us and the kids has been such a gift. I can't imagine going into that interview with a translator that didn't know us. He put my heart at ease.
We didn't have to wait too long and were called back around 9:15 to the social worker's office. I don't remember his name, but he had a really gentle vibe. Not overly serious or harsh. Just kind. The AC was running high in his office and it was quite chilly. At one point, Amessanitha asked to turn it down because she was cold.
The interview itself was a bit of a blur. All in French and Roby was just magic. I don't know what he said, but I can't tell you how safe we felt with him translating what we said to the social worker. We just knew that Roby knew us and knew our heart and would articulate that. He asked us about our relationship, how we are as parents, asked us about each other's parenting styles, how we are as friends and family. He asked about our bio kids and what they thought. So many questions about how we felt at each stage of the process. Lots of how did you feel, which is totally my jam :-) He explained it like if we were pregnant and the stages and I loved that bc I have told people just that. It's like the longest pregnancy ever!
Chad was awesome. I think together we were able to express how much this means to us and how much a part of our family they already are. We didn't have to discuss knowing them all these years since he didn't bring it up. We just kind avoided it.
He also asked the kids what they thought and if they understood. At the end, he asked if we were satisfied and wanted to proceed. We said, yes, as I choked back tears. He said as far as they are concerned, Amessanitha and Nickson, are our children. We can visit them, talk to them, anything.
Amessanitha asked why we were only able to stay one week and then how much longer before they can come back with us. He said 6-12 more months and no one liked that answer.
He then asked Josie to come back after we left the office. I got a little nervous about how much he would ask about our relationship. She came out and said it was all ok. He had asked about us and the children and if she had any doubts about the match. She had none.
Then we ran some errands and spent the day together. It was my favorite day. We stopped for a meal at a cafe next to the supermarket and had pizza and sandwiches. We went through the supermarket and picked up some coffee and tea and limonade to take home for the boys. Something seemed to shift with us and the kids after the meeting. They were less shy, more engaging. They had heard everything we had said and were asked so maybe it became more real for them too. That we had wanted them and loved them so much all this time.
We went and picked up Josie's boys from school and headed home. Once we made it back, Chad and I went to changed and I let myself cry into his shoulder for a bit. It was such a big moment and I needed to feel it. I don't know if I can ever fully explain how much they have always felt like ours, but this pushed that even farther. Someone else said they are ours also. Someone else knows them as our children. They are our children. Now we just need the countries to let us be together.
We rested a bit while the kids did homework, then dinner, rest again, bible study and they finished up their homework. So much homework. Because of the shut down of schools at the beginning of the year, the kids were now going to school on Saturdays to make up for it. WE did play Jenga and Uno and I played some farkle with Dania. We gave the kids and Syl their gifts of chocolate and the soccer ball also that night. Sweet Josie was so worn out, she fell asleep on the cot and we played til about 940. We told everyone to head to bed at that point and felt rather parental :-) Nickson was watching a show on the laptop and we had to tell him no more. It was maybe the first time that week that we established ourselves as parents. It was an odd dynamic.
This day was meaningful and deep for another reason. Leonard was shot that day 3 years prior. Roby and I spoke of him often that week and that day in particular. He will sit heavy in all my Haiti memories. He did this trip in particular. He would have been so happy for us.
All these layers and days and emotions are hard to process sometimes. I'm 2 months out from this day and just now writing about it. I carry with me every day the pain of separation and anticipation. It never goes away.
Our last full day in Haiti coming up...
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Thursday
We woke up to a message from Roby that he had found us a hotel with a pool to hang out at today! We had been talking about it most of the week just so we could get out a bit. He asked if we were ok taking a moto and we said, of course.
Now if you don't know, taking a motorcycle in Haiti is common place for Haitians, but there are some who refuse to take one because of how dangerous they are. On one of our very first trips to Haiti, we came across someone doing a piece for a television show about the most dangerous places to drive in the world and he was in Port au Prince...So, although we knew this, we also knew Roby wouldn't put us in danger and we trusted him.
After a quick breakfast of cow lung and plantains, we got ready to go. Roby came with a driver from up by his parents' home and trusted him to take us. We hopped on the back and started up Josie's road. Roby was walking behind us and would get on another moto up the road. We stopped just before the main road and our driver hollered at another driver and he went and picked Roby up. We were then off on what was one of the most exhilarating 30+ minutes of my life. We zipped in and out of traffic, came to complete stops in a pack of motorcycles, weaved our way in between "lanes" of vehicles, witnessed a small fender bender within arms reach, got pulled over by police to check our drivers credentials and eventually made our way into Petionville. Roby had scoped out several places that morning and this hotel had good security and was off the road a bit.
We pulled up along the curb and I proceeded to step off and let my leg hit the exhaust which was HOT! I moved it quickly, but not before I knew it was going to be a pretty substantial burn. Roby and his driver discussed when to come back and get us and we walked into the hotel property. It was STUNNING! Pristine white, gorgeous greenery and landscaping, and a beautiful pool. We found our way to the restaurant on site where we paid for the lunch buffet that would also allow us access to the pool. For $22/person we lounged for the day by the pool and had an INCREDIBLE buffet of Haitian food. The burn on my leg didn't hurt, but I knew it would eventually. I showed Roby and we found some cold water/paper towels to keep on it throughout the day. The lunch buffet was perfect and Roby got his picture taken with a famous Haitian musician who was also there. This was definitely a place that I felt underdressed! Next time, I'll bring some nicer clothes to change in to!
About mid-morning, Josie called wondering where we were! I had sent her a text letting her know, but she hadn't gotten it because she only has wifi at home. She had called to the house and Syl had said we weren't there so she came home so she could call us. I told her we were at a hotel and she asked how we got there. When I said moto, she said, "Oh no!" and then asked to talk to Roby. It was all ok, but she didn't love that we took one so she said she would pick us up in the afternoon so we didn't ride one back. The day was relaxing and a perfect way to enjoy some down time outside the house.
Now if you don't know, taking a motorcycle in Haiti is common place for Haitians, but there are some who refuse to take one because of how dangerous they are. On one of our very first trips to Haiti, we came across someone doing a piece for a television show about the most dangerous places to drive in the world and he was in Port au Prince...So, although we knew this, we also knew Roby wouldn't put us in danger and we trusted him.
After a quick breakfast of cow lung and plantains, we got ready to go. Roby came with a driver from up by his parents' home and trusted him to take us. We hopped on the back and started up Josie's road. Roby was walking behind us and would get on another moto up the road. We stopped just before the main road and our driver hollered at another driver and he went and picked Roby up. We were then off on what was one of the most exhilarating 30+ minutes of my life. We zipped in and out of traffic, came to complete stops in a pack of motorcycles, weaved our way in between "lanes" of vehicles, witnessed a small fender bender within arms reach, got pulled over by police to check our drivers credentials and eventually made our way into Petionville. Roby had scoped out several places that morning and this hotel had good security and was off the road a bit.
We pulled up along the curb and I proceeded to step off and let my leg hit the exhaust which was HOT! I moved it quickly, but not before I knew it was going to be a pretty substantial burn. Roby and his driver discussed when to come back and get us and we walked into the hotel property. It was STUNNING! Pristine white, gorgeous greenery and landscaping, and a beautiful pool. We found our way to the restaurant on site where we paid for the lunch buffet that would also allow us access to the pool. For $22/person we lounged for the day by the pool and had an INCREDIBLE buffet of Haitian food. The burn on my leg didn't hurt, but I knew it would eventually. I showed Roby and we found some cold water/paper towels to keep on it throughout the day. The lunch buffet was perfect and Roby got his picture taken with a famous Haitian musician who was also there. This was definitely a place that I felt underdressed! Next time, I'll bring some nicer clothes to change in to!
About mid-morning, Josie called wondering where we were! I had sent her a text letting her know, but she hadn't gotten it because she only has wifi at home. She had called to the house and Syl had said we weren't there so she came home so she could call us. I told her we were at a hotel and she asked how we got there. When I said moto, she said, "Oh no!" and then asked to talk to Roby. It was all ok, but she didn't love that we took one so she said she would pick us up in the afternoon so we didn't ride one back. The day was relaxing and a perfect way to enjoy some down time outside the house.
Sunday, February 23, 2020
Wednesday
Did you EVER think I was going to finish this story??
Good grief. These days are not slowing down. They are full and fulfilling, but this story needs to be finished so someday we can let them read this and have them fill us in on their perspectives and stories during this time. Ours is just part of the story...
Wednesday started much like Monday and Tuesday. Slow and relaxed. Today though we knew Josie would be coming back mid-morning to take us to Amessanitha and Dania's school to give a "presentation." Josie had asked us to talk about United States culture to the 7th and 8th grade classes. The US being as it is, doing a single cultural presentation, isn't possible. We, the land of multitudes. So we decided to do Kansas culture, which had us looking for things to share about this state we have called home. We decided to talk about agriculture, industries, school systems and extra curricular activities. Without a real game plan, we figured we'd just talk and then let them ask questions!
We woke up that morning having slept probably the best we had so far. I don't know if it was a quieter evening or we had just acclimated to the sounds. Both of our bodies just hurt though. Mostly joint pain and we didn't really know why except we had hardly moved for a week and our diet was pretty carb heavy each day. Speaking of the food...Josie and Sylvania were giving us EVERY GOOD THING! It was just awesome. I think we ate every authentic, traditional Haitian food that was.
Josie came back around 1030 and we were off to Margaret's school up the road. I had no idea that Margaret Bernard(Thomas's) wife had started this school 18 years ago! When Josie said she worked at Margaret's school, I just assumed that was the school associated with the church. Josie works at the 7/8th grade supervisor and we went to speak with the 8th grade class first. We shared a few things and then let them ask questions. It was great! Lots of good questions. We then went to the 7th grade class, which is Amessanitha's class! We gave our little talk and then the questions started and it was so fun! We told them we were married almost 20 years much to their surprise. One of the girls asked in creole if we had ever thought about divorce in all those years. HA! We all laughed! The look on everyone else's faces were so great. Once we were done, their next class was English and the teacher wasn't there yet so they asked if we could teach them. We were not prepared to do that, but just had them introduce themselves in English, did some vocab of colors and seasons and then did nouns around the room. So fun! We then took a tour of all the classrooms and went back to the office and chatted with Margaret for awhile. Amazing what she has done over 18 years! She started with 1 student the first year, 2 the 2nd year and then added from there! It's a "middle class" school so all the parents pay for tuition and uniforms, etc.
We headed back to the house, had a late lunch of fried okra, manba, crackers and fresh squeezed grapefruit juice. We laid down until Amessanitha came home and then proceeded to just observe them through what we now know is their routine. It is such a gift to us now that we are home to know what they do each night. I can see them in their space, doing their homework, eating dinner. Their schoolwork is intense. They basically memorize entire portions of textbooks. They work so hard and Haitian school is more challenging then any US school we have seen. It made us talk about where it will be best for them when they come. We shall see!
For dinner we had vegetables and beef with national rice and beans and Prestige.
What was going to be a lesson or two turned into hours of work for both Amessanitha and Nickson. We have some theories about why they work so hard. They can see very vividly what not having an education looks like. They see it every day outside their walls.
By 8:00, Amessanitha was in tears because she had so much to do and Nickson had finished and was playing with us. We felt badly, but no one else seemed to. Josie wasn't phased and I got up a few times and walked over to the talk to hug her while she kept working. Nickson, Chad and I played jenga and then started using them to do domino runs which he loved. He is creative! He built different structures, made numbers and letters with the blocks, made a stick person. It was so fun to see him do that! If I had had it my way, Amessanitha would have been with us playing, but we really didn't feel like we could rock the boat schedule and schooling wise. We didn't want her to get in trouble for not having her work done, but that was super tough to not just right a note to her teacher saying, "Hey, her mom and dad in town for a week and we just didn't do the homework because we were busy bonding."
We had devotions at 9:00 with songs, psalms and one of the kids sharing thoughts on a verse or two.
It's crazy to me that we were spending an ENTIRE day to maybe get a few hours of actual interaction with them and we LIVED for it. We soaked up every bit we could.
Thursday brought some real adventure!!!
Good grief. These days are not slowing down. They are full and fulfilling, but this story needs to be finished so someday we can let them read this and have them fill us in on their perspectives and stories during this time. Ours is just part of the story...
Wednesday started much like Monday and Tuesday. Slow and relaxed. Today though we knew Josie would be coming back mid-morning to take us to Amessanitha and Dania's school to give a "presentation." Josie had asked us to talk about United States culture to the 7th and 8th grade classes. The US being as it is, doing a single cultural presentation, isn't possible. We, the land of multitudes. So we decided to do Kansas culture, which had us looking for things to share about this state we have called home. We decided to talk about agriculture, industries, school systems and extra curricular activities. Without a real game plan, we figured we'd just talk and then let them ask questions!
We woke up that morning having slept probably the best we had so far. I don't know if it was a quieter evening or we had just acclimated to the sounds. Both of our bodies just hurt though. Mostly joint pain and we didn't really know why except we had hardly moved for a week and our diet was pretty carb heavy each day. Speaking of the food...Josie and Sylvania were giving us EVERY GOOD THING! It was just awesome. I think we ate every authentic, traditional Haitian food that was.
Josie came back around 1030 and we were off to Margaret's school up the road. I had no idea that Margaret Bernard(Thomas's) wife had started this school 18 years ago! When Josie said she worked at Margaret's school, I just assumed that was the school associated with the church. Josie works at the 7/8th grade supervisor and we went to speak with the 8th grade class first. We shared a few things and then let them ask questions. It was great! Lots of good questions. We then went to the 7th grade class, which is Amessanitha's class! We gave our little talk and then the questions started and it was so fun! We told them we were married almost 20 years much to their surprise. One of the girls asked in creole if we had ever thought about divorce in all those years. HA! We all laughed! The look on everyone else's faces were so great. Once we were done, their next class was English and the teacher wasn't there yet so they asked if we could teach them. We were not prepared to do that, but just had them introduce themselves in English, did some vocab of colors and seasons and then did nouns around the room. So fun! We then took a tour of all the classrooms and went back to the office and chatted with Margaret for awhile. Amazing what she has done over 18 years! She started with 1 student the first year, 2 the 2nd year and then added from there! It's a "middle class" school so all the parents pay for tuition and uniforms, etc.
We headed back to the house, had a late lunch of fried okra, manba, crackers and fresh squeezed grapefruit juice. We laid down until Amessanitha came home and then proceeded to just observe them through what we now know is their routine. It is such a gift to us now that we are home to know what they do each night. I can see them in their space, doing their homework, eating dinner. Their schoolwork is intense. They basically memorize entire portions of textbooks. They work so hard and Haitian school is more challenging then any US school we have seen. It made us talk about where it will be best for them when they come. We shall see!
For dinner we had vegetables and beef with national rice and beans and Prestige.
What was going to be a lesson or two turned into hours of work for both Amessanitha and Nickson. We have some theories about why they work so hard. They can see very vividly what not having an education looks like. They see it every day outside their walls.
By 8:00, Amessanitha was in tears because she had so much to do and Nickson had finished and was playing with us. We felt badly, but no one else seemed to. Josie wasn't phased and I got up a few times and walked over to the talk to hug her while she kept working. Nickson, Chad and I played jenga and then started using them to do domino runs which he loved. He is creative! He built different structures, made numbers and letters with the blocks, made a stick person. It was so fun to see him do that! If I had had it my way, Amessanitha would have been with us playing, but we really didn't feel like we could rock the boat schedule and schooling wise. We didn't want her to get in trouble for not having her work done, but that was super tough to not just right a note to her teacher saying, "Hey, her mom and dad in town for a week and we just didn't do the homework because we were busy bonding."
We had devotions at 9:00 with songs, psalms and one of the kids sharing thoughts on a verse or two.
It's crazy to me that we were spending an ENTIRE day to maybe get a few hours of actual interaction with them and we LIVED for it. We soaked up every bit we could.
Thursday brought some real adventure!!!
Friday, January 31, 2020
Monday, Tuesday...
Our home for the week! Josie lives in her sister's home in a quieter suburb of Port Au Prince. Her sister lives in the states and will eventually retire back in Haiti. I say "quieter" because the neighborhood is still bustling with shops and people and markets and businesses and schools and churches and animals!
We drifted to sleep each night with what we call "the sounds of Haiti." Dogs barking, chatter of families and friends, music, and traffic all mingle together. We noticed it less towards the end of the week so I think we were acclimating to it! 
We spent quite a bit of time in our beautiful upstairs suite! Monday and Tuesday were very similar.The children left early for school and would not return til 330 or 400 each day so Chad and I woke up late Monday and Tuesday and had very leisurely days. That first day was really nice to be able to rest and reflect on the fact that we were finally there. Breakfast each day was served by Sylvania, Josie's housekeeper. She took great care of us with our late risings. She bustled around made us omelets or warmed up our food, warmed our coffee or hot chocolate, made sure we had what we needed and tried to communicate with us, which early on was quite frustrating, I'm sure. Syl has been with Josie for over 12 years! Trust is everything in Haiti and Josie and Sylvania have such an incredible history and relationship. Syl took care of the house, the laundry, the gate, cooked, and was all around just amazing. Josie fed us SO well! We had a running joke by the end of the week with Josie and Roby about how Haitian we were because we had ONLY had Haitian food! And we had the BEST of it! I should have written down each meal, but in true Sarah fashion, I was much more focused on enjoying the food, then remembering what it all was! We spent some time in the courtyard on Monday, did a little workout and tried to catch some sun while we studied our Creole. We put together a puzzle, played Yahztee and Farkle, studied, read and just overall had more downtime in a single day than we probably had since we were teenagers with a free Saturday!
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Amessanitha and Dania got home first Monday after 3. They have such a routine! Change clothes, help Syl with whatever she needs for dinner, or chores. Amessanitha quickly asked to braid my hair and I of course obliged! The boys and Josie got home around 430 and same thing, they changed clothes, did a few chores and settled in. Roby came with Josie and we were able to go through some more of our books and talked about the other kids. One of the questions we asked is what makes you nervous or scared. Amessanitha said nothing makes her scared. :-) We noticed that not much conversation is directed towards Nickson. I'm curious if that's a cultural thing because it seemed to be universal that he was "so young" so the conversations generally just go on around him. For dinner, Monday, I DID write down what we ate! Fish and shrimp in a sauce with onion and "national" rice which is brown with pinto beans. It was delicious! We were definitely spoiled!
Dinner was a time to visit with Josie and watch the kids interact with each other. They have a really beautiful family dynamic with Josie. She creates such a VIBE. I wish I could describe it, but I know I felt it. It was home for them. Her sons were their friends and brothers. Dania and Amessanitha are CLOSE, like sisters. My mind raced with what we were taking them away from. Nickson would normally be at the orphanage, but seeing his relationship with Josie and her boys was affirming that they have had years of a beautiful, healthy relationship. Amessanitha and Dania have only been living with Josie since school started a few months ago due to their high achievements academically that keeps them at a school close. But they operated just like a family. Mama Jo loving and caring for them as her own. It was evident they all loved each other and we were able to observe it quietly all week.
Monday we had an incredible conversation with Josie while the kids got to work on their homework. She filled us in on the corruption and mess that is IBESR. Much like other governmental agencies, the potential for corruption is high in Haiti(and everywhere, frankly). She said, "I hate adoptions." and then apologized, but I said, "no, I think I probably agree with you." What we have learned over the years with Haitian adoptions is heartbreaking and was confirmed by her experiences. What she hates and we do to, is the business of adoption. By putting dollar amounts to the precious task of caring for children, the potential for being taken advantage of is high. A vast majority of children in orphanages have a living parent. Now this gets complicated a bit in the infrastructure of Haiti because poverty is vast and real and the care of a child can be painfully daunting. Josie knows and has seen orphanages that essentially remove children from homes, promising education and care that the parents may not be able to provide in their current situation. She has seen money used to the benefit of the board and director and not the children. She has been offered a deal to "provide" as many children as she can for $10,000 a child for "clients" in Israel. The lengths she went through to complete their dossiers was unbelievable. At one point, in order to find a family member, she rode a bus, a moto, a DONKEY and then walked for miles searching for an aunt of theirs. She said she was sick from exhaustion when she got home! She had to organize and get several family members to a family council session to explain what was happening, which is a miraculous feat in Haiti. But she did it and countless other feats. We asked her why. Why did you say yes to us?? This was never in the plans for her. She is not in the business of adoption. She has ZERO interest in the money in it. We both remember our first conversation when I asked if their were siblings at HOLH and if she did adoptions. She did not, but said she would think about it. We then learned, she talked to Margaret her sister and Thomas's wife and she said talk to Thomas. She did and explained a couple had come with Kim and Keith and were hoping to adopt one day. Thomas asked who it was and she told him. His reply, "Yes, that is a good family! Any child would be good to be in that family."
That was it. Because my grandparents and parents had forged a relationship and bond with Thomas over years and years. That's why she said yes to giving us a chance to adopt from her orphanage. At that time, we had no idea that it would be Amessanitha and Nickson. It was just a hope and a dream. But, dreams do come true sometimes...
After dinner each night was homework, homework and more homework. We were blown away with the work ethic instilled in them. We joked that American school is going to seem REALLY easy for them. They spent the next 3 hours studying. Memorizing portions of textbooks, doing math and then memorizing more portions of textbooks. Monday evening they finished around 830 and we played some games. Nickson loved Jenga and we all played UNO. The Jenga blocks came in handy to build with, create designs with and use like Dominos to create some fun flows with. Chad and I spent the evenings studying Creole(you would think we'd be really good, but we're not!) I was always too distracted trying to watch them or walk into the courtyard to hug them or smile at them.
One of the evenings, Amessanitha was in tears over all the work she had to do. Partly because Nickson had gotten finished first and we were already playing. Josie just laughed and let her keep working. I went and hugged on her knowing full well it was a good thing I wasn't in charge, cause I would have told her to come play, which would have meant trouble in school the next day. So I kept my mouth shut :-) Nickson was upset a different night for the same reason. He kept trying to memorize a part and wasn't getting it. I went into the courtyard, pulled him on my lap, much to Amessanitha and Dania's dismay and had him read it to me several times. Then he was back up in to the desk and back to work without tears. I am so profoundly thankful for those little moments. The moments we get to show them we care and we love them and we will be showing that differently then maybe what they've been use to.
Each evening around 9, the whole family circled up in the living room with Bibles in hand and had devotions. Always a couple hymns, mostly from memory, a psalm from memory, a reading that the kids would take turns explaining simply, and prayers led by one of the kids. We didn't understand it all, but the reverence they had, the importance it carried for them was so beautiful. Chad and I both were encouraged to improve our devotions quantity with the kids back home. So far, so good. I'm in awe of how well they keep the important things important. We get so distracted by activities and how exhausted we are by all the activities that it's easy to let some things that have real value slide, like dinners together and devotions together. We came away from the week personally better. After being in the house almost the entire time Monday and Tuesday, we were hoping to get out and about a bit as the week went on! Wednesday and Thursday were perfect...More to come!!
Thursday, January 30, 2020
Sunday
Sunday was such a LONG day. It honestly felt like about 3.
I woke up earlier then our 430am alarm. The anticipation of finally going left me with little sleep, some anxiety and a recognition that our first meeting would not be like I had envisioned it would be. We would be landing in PAP to meet Josie and Roby and head to church to hopefully catch the end of the service. Our original flights had us in on Saturday so coming in on Sunday and getting to see the kids at church for those first moments was ok, but not how I had worked out the meeting in my mind, originally. I have learned countless times in a million ways, that very few things in life turn out just like we imagine them. Sometimes they are much better and sometimes not. I don't get too worked up about those kinds of things anymore, so my focus was to just be in the moments that day without worrying about what I think they should be like.
Chad and I were not seated next to each other on the flight into PAP which was terribly disappointing. That was a lonely, emotional landing crammed between two strangers in the very last row of the aircraft. Chad was about 10 rows in front of me and I had told Chad before we could meet in the customs line, but I realized halfway through the flight when I was filling out the customs forms that he had my passport in his bag. He waited for me and we made our way through customs and down to baggage claim. Everything went smoothly, although a bit slow. We stopped at a Digicel store to switch out our SIM card which I will for sure be doing next time! $5 for internet all week and I probably have some time left.
FINALLY, we made our way to the door and Josie in a glorious white dress comes rushing towards us! I had so missed her beautiful face! We hustled out to find Roby and made our way to church. It was all so beautifully familiar.
Walking in the side door at the front of the church during the pre-sermon hymns...I immediately saw Amessanitha, in her white choir dress and red belt in the front row.
A small smile and wave was all before we sat down a couple rows back. No grand meeting, big hugs or tears. Just a little wave. It took me a few seconds to find Nickson as he was a row in front and on the other side. He was either unaware we had come in or didn't show any recognition until the service was almost over and he turned around and smiled when I waved at him. After the service, we said hello and hugged and sat together on the pew somewhat awkwardly. Not really knowing what to say, but feeling like I wanted to say so much. Seeing the other children from the orphanage was amazing. I recognized most of them although they were all so much more grown up! Amessanitha ran around a bit and chatted with friends. Nickson stuck to Chad's side. Even wiggling his arm around Chad's at one point.
Josie got everyone situated and her two boys, Jordan and Jonathon, Chad and I, Roby, Amessanitha, Nickson and Dania all piled into Josie's truck and headed home! It was a tight ride and we didn't mind one bit! We unloaded our bags, Josie showed us our room which was a beautiful master suite and we pulled out the things we had from home for them. I had been so torn on what to bring to give them a piece of us to keep in this waiting time. I put together a sketchbook with our family photos and each of our families' "family tree" style. It was probably overwhelming by sheer volume of humans in our respective families. :-) We all wrote out some answers to basic get to know you questions: age, school, favorite things, what I want you to know about me, and the kids recorded videos saying hello! We also brought a small gift for each of them. Autumn wanted Amessanitha to have her Haiti-made favorite necklace that my mom had given her years ago. She wrote the sweetest, tear enducing note with it. Caleb sent along a white stuffed dog with a KU hat for Nickson. He explained in his note that this was his favorite basketball team and the weird bird was called a Jayhawk. He also sent his electronic Yahtzee game. :-)
We sat down with Roby and the kids to go through the book and gifts. We just did Chad and I and Elijah the first night because Roby was translating and Amessanitha was writing it all down! It was all very sweet. We had little conversations back and forth with Roby helping us tremendously! It was our first moments of family connection and it felt amazing. We had them tell us their favorite things and asked about their school and activities. Things we learned: Amessanitha loves to dance and sing! We told her she could take dance lessons. That made her face light up! She loves math and is incredibly bright and mature. She is taking English this year and worked really hard all week helping us with Creole and working on her English. Nickson does NOT like math, but loves French and we found out he is left handed and quite artistic! Nickson is quiet and reserved, but found him to be goofy and so joyful! It was so fun to find these little gems about them. Roby left in the afternoon and we managed without him, but it was with far less actual communication. We pulled out our Creole/English books and were able to connect over teaching each other.
Josie had asked us if we wanted to go to a concert that evening and I misunderstood and thought it was a concert the children's church choir was singing in at the mayor of Delmas estate. Turns out it was a full blown Gospel concert! The children did not sing, but the church was a sponsor for the event so we had amazing seats and had so much fun! Broke our own rules the first day by being out after dark with large crowds! The kids all had so much fun!
The event went late with one performance after the other. Josie got us snowcones and popcorn for Nickson! By 9:00 or so, Nickson had fallen asleep on my lap twice which I did not mind AT ALL. The second time, I pulled him up and just held him. Dreams do come true. By then, we didn't really know how many more performances there would be, but I asked Josie to go. We headed out and Chad carried Nickson to the truck. The whole first day was so surreal. I kept finding myself staring at them. Holding their hands. Putting my arms around them. Looking at them top to bottom. Trying to make myself believe they were actually ours.
Not unlike the first looks at your newborn baby...
Monday, January 27, 2020
Thomas's sister in law and Day 1+
Josie.
Our very first trip to Haiti in 2012 introduced us to Josie. Her sister Margaret is Thomas's wife.
In our emails back and forth, Thomas mentioned his sister in law operating an orphanage. In the beginning of this whole deal, we were so very naive and if I believed we somehow had any control on the timing of this adoption, I would say we lost valuable time in our naiveté. We did not know how adoptions from Haiti worked, but we thought it would be great to have some connection to the orphanage that we adopted from and thought we could match the orphanage to an agency or request out of a specific orphanage. All of that proved to not be the case and the laws actually changed while we were in our first years of the process, but that notion is what had us asking Josie on that first trip, if she did adoptions at her orphanage. She did not and it was not something she had ever wanted to do. But, she said she would think about it. I said, ok, not knowing until THIS trip, 7 1/2 years later, what transpired after we asked or why she had never done adoptions and had not wanted to ever do them. I told my parents when we got back that I'm not entirely convinced that Josie is not an actual angel. Sounds hokey maybe, but I've never met anyone like her.
I'm skipping a whole bunch here to jump to the bulk of this particular trip. It's hard for me to write about the details without some background, though.
We left McPherson on Friday, Jan. 10 early enough to meet my parents for lunch and get to the airport for our 4:50pm departure. Preparing to leave for nearly 10 days took some work and planning obviously, but it all went so smoothly. My mom and dad could come for the entirety of the time to take care of Cory and Caleb. Autumn had been back at school for the week and Elijah was heading to school that weekend also. Everyone would be taken care of. The gym preparation had been years in the making. We had been anticipating and planning for this week and I can't tell you the peace we had driving away knowing our business that had consumed our lives for 7+ years was in capable, reliable hands. What a blessing.
Kansas City was set to have some weather coming through that evening but we expected to get out before it got too bad. We had a hotel booked for Miami that night and were VERY much looking forward to dinner on the beach. Lunch with the boys and Elijah's girlfriend Maddie and my parents was wonderful. They would be staying together that night and heading to the KU game together the next day thanks for a generous friend! The weather was getting sketchy but still rain and Autumn and her friend decided to come to KC that night instead of in the morning for the game. That created some housing issues since I had booked them an Airbnb for 6, not 8. It was a pricey lost, but we had to cancel the house and got them a couple hotel rooms in Lawrence. Once that was all taken care of, we headed out. A prayer together in the entryway of the Chili's caused some tears. Hugging the boys and my parents goodbye was tough knowing we'd come back changed.
Got to the airport, checked our bag, got through security, sat down and within minutes heard on the PA system that the flight to Miami had been cancelled and to head to the ticket counter. I was not thrilled. We got into line probably 30+ people back and called Chelsi to see what we could do. They were not allowing planes to land so our airplane that would take us to Miami never made it to KC. So after a call to American, several calls to Chelsi, thinking we could still get out that night and then realizing that would not be happening, led us to a flight that put us into Port Au Prince a full 24 hours after our original flight. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. Logistically, we cancelled our Miami hotel, booked a KC hotel, picked up our checked bag and called our shuttle and informed Roby and Josie of the change of plans.. By the time we got to our hotel, the snow was falling and we made it to our room at which point I cried onto Chad's shoulder for a few minutes lamenting that I was so tired of being patient. We ordered food and spent the night and most of the next day in bed. We had to check out of our room at noon and spent the next few hours in the lobby watching the KU game that our family was at just an hour away. Our flight was again at 450PM and that flight felt like deja vu but we got out of KC without any trouble. Landed in Miami and got our shuttle to the hotel with a 5am wakeup to make our flight to PAP. I didn't sleep well that night. Lots of heart racing, thinking and praying. That morning everything went smoothly and we took off on time, heading to a place that now feels like home and people that will forever be a part of our lives.
Taking off from Miami knowing our kids are at the end of this part was a mix of emotions. We were both nervous and for me a very different feeling from previous trips. Landing in PAP, on the 10th anniversary of the earthquake, which is the day Chad and I started looking into adoption more seriously, felt heavy and meaningful. We were flying back from a conference that day and I remember watching the news in the airports. At the time, adoptions in Haiti were closed indefinitely as they worked to recover from the devastation, but for us that was the catalyst that sent us down this path. It was no long a matter of if, but when from that day forward.
Next up...anticipation vs. reality
Our very first trip to Haiti in 2012 introduced us to Josie. Her sister Margaret is Thomas's wife.
In our emails back and forth, Thomas mentioned his sister in law operating an orphanage. In the beginning of this whole deal, we were so very naive and if I believed we somehow had any control on the timing of this adoption, I would say we lost valuable time in our naiveté. We did not know how adoptions from Haiti worked, but we thought it would be great to have some connection to the orphanage that we adopted from and thought we could match the orphanage to an agency or request out of a specific orphanage. All of that proved to not be the case and the laws actually changed while we were in our first years of the process, but that notion is what had us asking Josie on that first trip, if she did adoptions at her orphanage. She did not and it was not something she had ever wanted to do. But, she said she would think about it. I said, ok, not knowing until THIS trip, 7 1/2 years later, what transpired after we asked or why she had never done adoptions and had not wanted to ever do them. I told my parents when we got back that I'm not entirely convinced that Josie is not an actual angel. Sounds hokey maybe, but I've never met anyone like her.
I'm skipping a whole bunch here to jump to the bulk of this particular trip. It's hard for me to write about the details without some background, though.
We left McPherson on Friday, Jan. 10 early enough to meet my parents for lunch and get to the airport for our 4:50pm departure. Preparing to leave for nearly 10 days took some work and planning obviously, but it all went so smoothly. My mom and dad could come for the entirety of the time to take care of Cory and Caleb. Autumn had been back at school for the week and Elijah was heading to school that weekend also. Everyone would be taken care of. The gym preparation had been years in the making. We had been anticipating and planning for this week and I can't tell you the peace we had driving away knowing our business that had consumed our lives for 7+ years was in capable, reliable hands. What a blessing.
Kansas City was set to have some weather coming through that evening but we expected to get out before it got too bad. We had a hotel booked for Miami that night and were VERY much looking forward to dinner on the beach. Lunch with the boys and Elijah's girlfriend Maddie and my parents was wonderful. They would be staying together that night and heading to the KU game together the next day thanks for a generous friend! The weather was getting sketchy but still rain and Autumn and her friend decided to come to KC that night instead of in the morning for the game. That created some housing issues since I had booked them an Airbnb for 6, not 8. It was a pricey lost, but we had to cancel the house and got them a couple hotel rooms in Lawrence. Once that was all taken care of, we headed out. A prayer together in the entryway of the Chili's caused some tears. Hugging the boys and my parents goodbye was tough knowing we'd come back changed.
Got to the airport, checked our bag, got through security, sat down and within minutes heard on the PA system that the flight to Miami had been cancelled and to head to the ticket counter. I was not thrilled. We got into line probably 30+ people back and called Chelsi to see what we could do. They were not allowing planes to land so our airplane that would take us to Miami never made it to KC. So after a call to American, several calls to Chelsi, thinking we could still get out that night and then realizing that would not be happening, led us to a flight that put us into Port Au Prince a full 24 hours after our original flight. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. Logistically, we cancelled our Miami hotel, booked a KC hotel, picked up our checked bag and called our shuttle and informed Roby and Josie of the change of plans.. By the time we got to our hotel, the snow was falling and we made it to our room at which point I cried onto Chad's shoulder for a few minutes lamenting that I was so tired of being patient. We ordered food and spent the night and most of the next day in bed. We had to check out of our room at noon and spent the next few hours in the lobby watching the KU game that our family was at just an hour away. Our flight was again at 450PM and that flight felt like deja vu but we got out of KC without any trouble. Landed in Miami and got our shuttle to the hotel with a 5am wakeup to make our flight to PAP. I didn't sleep well that night. Lots of heart racing, thinking and praying. That morning everything went smoothly and we took off on time, heading to a place that now feels like home and people that will forever be a part of our lives.
Taking off from Miami knowing our kids are at the end of this part was a mix of emotions. We were both nervous and for me a very different feeling from previous trips. Landing in PAP, on the 10th anniversary of the earthquake, which is the day Chad and I started looking into adoption more seriously, felt heavy and meaningful. We were flying back from a conference that day and I remember watching the news in the airports. At the time, adoptions in Haiti were closed indefinitely as they worked to recover from the devastation, but for us that was the catalyst that sent us down this path. It was no long a matter of if, but when from that day forward.
Next up...anticipation vs. reality
Saturday, January 25, 2020
Generational effects
A week in Haiti is not new to me. I think this was my 6th or 7th visit.
This one, though, was unlike all the others. It carried far more weight and anticipation and joy.
To give it justice, I'm compelled to retell just a bit of the story that led us to this particular visit. The layers and intersections are such evidence to us of God's presence. The way our story goes should give everyone hope that what you are doing today can have a power that ripples through generations.
Willie and Marge were missionaries. At home and abroad. Their impact on my life has been deep and wide. As grandparents they moved with us a few times to stay close to the chaos that was our family. I didn't really appreciate that until I was older and away from my parents raising a family of my own. They were always just there. Around. In our lives. Looking back, my life would have been missing some critical lessons and experiences had they not been there in the way that they were.
To connect the dots from their choices and life to our current situation makes me miss them so much. I know they would have relished in our hope and fears, in our stories and plans. I can't tell you how many times over the past few years, I wished I could have a sit down with Marge. She just KNEW me and knew how to keep what was important in focus. I miss that lady often.
To make a really long story short, here is how our adoption connects.
Their missionary work took them to Haiti for a short time and that forged a lifelong friendship with several pastors in Haiti. One of those was a Pastor Thomas Bernard. I met Thomas when I was 7 or so when he was at the seminary. His young face is imprinted in my memory. As a family, we spoke of Haiti relatively often. Always mentioning "Thomas and Israel", the two young pastors my grandparents helped through seminary. My grandparents worked with an organization, Haiti Lutheran Mission Society, for years and their work and relationships were common knowledge. The organization, of which my father is now the President, still works closely with Pastor Bernard and the Lutheran church in Haiti. That organization is where Chad and I first started our search to find a way to visit Haiti after we decided we wanted to adopt from Haiti, but wanted to visit first. Through a series of emails and calls and questions, we lined up a trip to meet two members of that board, Kim and Keith, in Port au Prince August of 2012. We would be traveling around with them and see the country and meet people. Thomas Bernard would be one of those people. I had contacted him prior, not knowing that in fact, he was the "Thomas" of "Thomas and Israel" of my youth. We exchanged several emails in which I mentioned our desire to adopt and asked about orphanages that he may have knowledge. He mentioned his sister in law operates one and he thought we could visit when we came down. Only after all that did my dad mention that the Pastor Bernard was in fact, "THE" Thomas. That was a fun email to send to tell him that I was Sarah DAHLKE and Marge says hello! He hadn't know I was who I was either!
It was such a joy to travel there and carry my grandma's greetings to Thomas and his back to her. She knew we wanted to adopt and it's such a tragedy to me that she and Willie will never get to meet their Haitian grandchildren. Man, they would have loved them. We will tell them about Willie and Marge. They will know how God used them to bring us all together.
I can't tell this story, of this trip, without acknowledging my grandparents hand in the whole, dang thing and how I feel their presence when I'm in Haiti. I thought of them every day. They exist there in a way for me that is different then here at home. It's a side of them that I couldn't have imagined as a child, but can vividly conjure up now. Their part in this story makes it all the more compelling.
They were the stone that caused the ripples of Haiti and adoption to cross into our lives.
It makes me wonder what stone was tossed to send them to Haiti originally and what stones we are tossing now that may ripple through our children or grandchildren....
Next up, getting to Haiti, delayed...
This one, though, was unlike all the others. It carried far more weight and anticipation and joy.
To give it justice, I'm compelled to retell just a bit of the story that led us to this particular visit. The layers and intersections are such evidence to us of God's presence. The way our story goes should give everyone hope that what you are doing today can have a power that ripples through generations.
Willie and Marge were missionaries. At home and abroad. Their impact on my life has been deep and wide. As grandparents they moved with us a few times to stay close to the chaos that was our family. I didn't really appreciate that until I was older and away from my parents raising a family of my own. They were always just there. Around. In our lives. Looking back, my life would have been missing some critical lessons and experiences had they not been there in the way that they were.
To connect the dots from their choices and life to our current situation makes me miss them so much. I know they would have relished in our hope and fears, in our stories and plans. I can't tell you how many times over the past few years, I wished I could have a sit down with Marge. She just KNEW me and knew how to keep what was important in focus. I miss that lady often.
To make a really long story short, here is how our adoption connects.
Their missionary work took them to Haiti for a short time and that forged a lifelong friendship with several pastors in Haiti. One of those was a Pastor Thomas Bernard. I met Thomas when I was 7 or so when he was at the seminary. His young face is imprinted in my memory. As a family, we spoke of Haiti relatively often. Always mentioning "Thomas and Israel", the two young pastors my grandparents helped through seminary. My grandparents worked with an organization, Haiti Lutheran Mission Society, for years and their work and relationships were common knowledge. The organization, of which my father is now the President, still works closely with Pastor Bernard and the Lutheran church in Haiti. That organization is where Chad and I first started our search to find a way to visit Haiti after we decided we wanted to adopt from Haiti, but wanted to visit first. Through a series of emails and calls and questions, we lined up a trip to meet two members of that board, Kim and Keith, in Port au Prince August of 2012. We would be traveling around with them and see the country and meet people. Thomas Bernard would be one of those people. I had contacted him prior, not knowing that in fact, he was the "Thomas" of "Thomas and Israel" of my youth. We exchanged several emails in which I mentioned our desire to adopt and asked about orphanages that he may have knowledge. He mentioned his sister in law operates one and he thought we could visit when we came down. Only after all that did my dad mention that the Pastor Bernard was in fact, "THE" Thomas. That was a fun email to send to tell him that I was Sarah DAHLKE and Marge says hello! He hadn't know I was who I was either!
It was such a joy to travel there and carry my grandma's greetings to Thomas and his back to her. She knew we wanted to adopt and it's such a tragedy to me that she and Willie will never get to meet their Haitian grandchildren. Man, they would have loved them. We will tell them about Willie and Marge. They will know how God used them to bring us all together.
I can't tell this story, of this trip, without acknowledging my grandparents hand in the whole, dang thing and how I feel their presence when I'm in Haiti. I thought of them every day. They exist there in a way for me that is different then here at home. It's a side of them that I couldn't have imagined as a child, but can vividly conjure up now. Their part in this story makes it all the more compelling.
They were the stone that caused the ripples of Haiti and adoption to cross into our lives.
It makes me wonder what stone was tossed to send them to Haiti originally and what stones we are tossing now that may ripple through our children or grandchildren....
Next up, getting to Haiti, delayed...
Monday, January 7, 2019
6 years ago today...
I spent a solo weekend in Las Vegas with strangers. Wild, right?
It was, but not how you might think.
We were about a month into opening the gym and I had been coaching "illegally" during that time since I hadn't yet done my CF-L1 course. This was the first weekend I could go and it was the cheapest place to fly into. So I went. I stayed in a hotel by myself. Took a shuttle to the gym each day. Met a few people that I could walk to Whole Foods with to grab some lunch and chat.
My instructors were Nadia, Zach, Pat, and Kurtis. Legends in CrossFit at the time.
I learned plenty that weekend.
We worked out. Fran was one workout and it took me over 10:00. They time capped me. We hung out a bit after the first night to talk with the trainers and one of them asked if there was any movements that were intimidating to coach or anything we felt like we needed to work on. At the time, I couldn't kick up on the wall, but I was suppose to be able to teach someone to do a handstand pushup. I've got some issues being inverted. It's not something I ever did or felt comfortable doing. I was not the girl in the playground doing cartwheels and handstands. To this day it is the thing I have probably progressed the slowest at.
But that night, the trainer worked with me on some progressions. I didn't kick on the wall that night, but I did a few weeks later and I sent him the video thanking him. I use those same progression on people who struggle with this too.
We took the test the second night and wouldn't find out our score for several weeks so what else was there to do, but enjoy the final night in Las Vegas. So I did and came dangerously close to getting my first tattoo which would have been terribly cliche. One of the guys from the class, a nice guy from OK, and I were going to have dinner. But as I was going to get on the shuttle to head to the strip, I met this random girl in the hotel lobby who was traveling with her boyfriend from CA to somewhere and they stopped in Vegas for the night, but he had broken up with her on the way so she didn't want to go to her room cause he was there. So, naturally, I invited her to have dinner with us. And she did. We ended up walking all over town, riding the New York, New York roller coaster, eating at an Irish pub, watching the Bellagio fountains, and trying to find the tattoo parlor from that reality show about tattoos. That guy from OK and the girl from the hotel lobby seemed to hit it off so I made my way back to my hotel entirely too late and left them to figure out their lives. It was a weird, fun night and makes for a great story!
So, yeah, wild weekend. The craziest thing is that I'm sitting here 6 years later remembering that weekend and I'm so humbled by it all. I knew very little then. My understanding of business and class management and communication and coaching were juvenile. I've literally learned something new every day since and still do. I don't think I'll ever stop learning about this world of health and fitness and business.
Those first few years of owning the gym were so fun. And so hard. We had some terribly hard months, but we kept believing in what we were doing. Over those hard months, I developed confidence that had been shadowed by feeling inadequate and less then in the dynamics that we had originally established. I realized how much I wanted this. It was not just Chad's dream that I was facilitating, but in fact, my dream as well. 6 years ago, at that course, I thought it was just his dream that I was supporting. Over time, through what seemed like endless months of anxiety and stress, it become very clear that this was a dream I was going to fight for. We could make a powerful impact in peoples' lives by what we could offer them in this little gym. A
That wild weekend in Vegas opened up a door for me that I didn't realize I wanted. I love this job so much. I say that after having a 14 hour day that included coaching 3 morning classes, a one on one member meeting, a meeting with a food service rep, a test out for a new member, co-coaching a class for a local sports team, a no sweat consultation, and a foundations class. I, personally, didn't work out today. I don't love that, but I loved today. I don't do days quite like this often with so much and such variety, but every day is different. Some action packed and non-stop, some are more leisurely paced. All of them involve me spending some time trying to make this little gym in the middle of Kansas something it's members can be proud of.
It's a really a gift wrapped up as a profession.
It was, but not how you might think.
We were about a month into opening the gym and I had been coaching "illegally" during that time since I hadn't yet done my CF-L1 course. This was the first weekend I could go and it was the cheapest place to fly into. So I went. I stayed in a hotel by myself. Took a shuttle to the gym each day. Met a few people that I could walk to Whole Foods with to grab some lunch and chat.
My instructors were Nadia, Zach, Pat, and Kurtis. Legends in CrossFit at the time.
I learned plenty that weekend.
We worked out. Fran was one workout and it took me over 10:00. They time capped me. We hung out a bit after the first night to talk with the trainers and one of them asked if there was any movements that were intimidating to coach or anything we felt like we needed to work on. At the time, I couldn't kick up on the wall, but I was suppose to be able to teach someone to do a handstand pushup. I've got some issues being inverted. It's not something I ever did or felt comfortable doing. I was not the girl in the playground doing cartwheels and handstands. To this day it is the thing I have probably progressed the slowest at.
But that night, the trainer worked with me on some progressions. I didn't kick on the wall that night, but I did a few weeks later and I sent him the video thanking him. I use those same progression on people who struggle with this too.
We took the test the second night and wouldn't find out our score for several weeks so what else was there to do, but enjoy the final night in Las Vegas. So I did and came dangerously close to getting my first tattoo which would have been terribly cliche. One of the guys from the class, a nice guy from OK, and I were going to have dinner. But as I was going to get on the shuttle to head to the strip, I met this random girl in the hotel lobby who was traveling with her boyfriend from CA to somewhere and they stopped in Vegas for the night, but he had broken up with her on the way so she didn't want to go to her room cause he was there. So, naturally, I invited her to have dinner with us. And she did. We ended up walking all over town, riding the New York, New York roller coaster, eating at an Irish pub, watching the Bellagio fountains, and trying to find the tattoo parlor from that reality show about tattoos. That guy from OK and the girl from the hotel lobby seemed to hit it off so I made my way back to my hotel entirely too late and left them to figure out their lives. It was a weird, fun night and makes for a great story!
So, yeah, wild weekend. The craziest thing is that I'm sitting here 6 years later remembering that weekend and I'm so humbled by it all. I knew very little then. My understanding of business and class management and communication and coaching were juvenile. I've literally learned something new every day since and still do. I don't think I'll ever stop learning about this world of health and fitness and business.
Those first few years of owning the gym were so fun. And so hard. We had some terribly hard months, but we kept believing in what we were doing. Over those hard months, I developed confidence that had been shadowed by feeling inadequate and less then in the dynamics that we had originally established. I realized how much I wanted this. It was not just Chad's dream that I was facilitating, but in fact, my dream as well. 6 years ago, at that course, I thought it was just his dream that I was supporting. Over time, through what seemed like endless months of anxiety and stress, it become very clear that this was a dream I was going to fight for. We could make a powerful impact in peoples' lives by what we could offer them in this little gym. A
That wild weekend in Vegas opened up a door for me that I didn't realize I wanted. I love this job so much. I say that after having a 14 hour day that included coaching 3 morning classes, a one on one member meeting, a meeting with a food service rep, a test out for a new member, co-coaching a class for a local sports team, a no sweat consultation, and a foundations class. I, personally, didn't work out today. I don't love that, but I loved today. I don't do days quite like this often with so much and such variety, but every day is different. Some action packed and non-stop, some are more leisurely paced. All of them involve me spending some time trying to make this little gym in the middle of Kansas something it's members can be proud of.
It's a really a gift wrapped up as a profession.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Hello, old friend.
Much like my journals, this space is sporadic if anything.
There is no catching up on the past year plus in a blog, but I'll try to do something of the sort in Christmas letter fashion :-)
*The gym was the driving force of this past year. We searched and found a building to buy. We took possession in April and had our first event on Memorial Day. The spring and summer of 2018 was loaded to the absolute max or so it seemed. We had 4 weekends of travel in a row amongst the demolition and renovations of the new space. We had countless people helping us along the way and I'm not sure I'll ever fully be able to articulate how thankful we are for them.
We are currently in a holding pattern with the space without any major projects in the near future.
It was a trying few months with the transition. Once again, we learned that being in the service industry is not an easy pursuit. We are often humbled by the incredible people who trust us with their health and wellness while struggling to maintain relationships that are strained by owning a business.
It's a balancing act, certainly.
*Elijah and Autumn left for school too soon this summer/fall. Elijah is on his final year of high school. I am sorting through photos and albums in preparation for his graduation and it's so surreal. It often makes me cry. Mostly happy tears, but my goodness, these little people we raise just go on growing and becoming and we eventually spend most of our time watching them do it. We're navigating college visits and trying our best to give him the best advice we have without pushing him in one direction or another. He plans on playing basketball in college and pursuing sports management or kineseology. He is such a fantastic person who is earnest and driven and kind. I cannot wait to see him fly these next years!
*Autumn continues to prove that she is a bright, beautiful light to us all. This year has had some added challenges and choices and I'm always amazed with how she moves through these challenges. That girl can quite frankly do or be anything she wants and that is both exhilarating and terrifying. She talks of jumping out of airplanes and joining the military or adventuring and I recognize the adrenaline seeking piece of her. She is both pieces of her dad and of me and also all her own. I have to often swallow my own fears and encourage her to pursue whatever she feels passionate about, even if that takes her across the world.
*Cory is at such a fun stage. I genuinely love middle school age. He is becoming funnier by the day and finding his passions and personality. It reminds me a bit of a toddler when they start to talk and walk and you find new little parts of them each day. Not unlike having a teenager become more himself. He took up guitar this last year and a half much to all of our enjoyment. He is improving quickly and entertains us all upon request. He also is taking piano, played football and basketball and still finds time to create and develop amazing creations of art.
*Caleb has made some magical shift the past year. We don't quite know if it's nutrition or maturity or routine or what. He is still completely himself, but doesn't have the bite that he use to. It's been a glorious development. He is 100% into Harry Potter and is on his 3rd or 4th time reading the series. He excels in school, particularly math and loves his group of friends. His friend, Julianna, who he calls his BFFN(Best Friend For Now), is most often the topic of adventures during school. Breaks and summer are still hard, but we can see him working to adjust and manage his words and emotions. He has taken up piano the past few months and really enjoys it. He also played tackle football this fall and is playing basketball this winter. His analytical brain and desire to excel are a powerful combination. Middle school will be interesting next year.
*Amessaminthe and Nickson are every bit our children, yet we don't have them here. In fact, we are still not matched with them. I don't even have a good explanation for why except this ridiculous process is beyond understanding. Same as every year, we hope this is our last Christmas without them. My parents are going to Haiti in a few months and I may tag along. It's been too long.
*Chad is still working at Williams and we are thankful for it's security. It's not something he wants to do forever, but it allows us to do things we couldn't otherwise do. He works so crazy hard for us and we love him so much.
*I am pouring my heart and soul into the gym most days. It's an enjoyable "job" and I love the combination of business, people, relationships, development, and fun it provides. We have some big plans for the coming years and I'm learning as I go on how to develop and implement programs to provide more for our current and future people.
Well, that was as much a Christmas letter as any, I suppose. Maybe now I can get to writing about our day to day. Wishful thinking, maybe, but here's hoping.
There is no catching up on the past year plus in a blog, but I'll try to do something of the sort in Christmas letter fashion :-)
*The gym was the driving force of this past year. We searched and found a building to buy. We took possession in April and had our first event on Memorial Day. The spring and summer of 2018 was loaded to the absolute max or so it seemed. We had 4 weekends of travel in a row amongst the demolition and renovations of the new space. We had countless people helping us along the way and I'm not sure I'll ever fully be able to articulate how thankful we are for them.
We are currently in a holding pattern with the space without any major projects in the near future.
It was a trying few months with the transition. Once again, we learned that being in the service industry is not an easy pursuit. We are often humbled by the incredible people who trust us with their health and wellness while struggling to maintain relationships that are strained by owning a business.
It's a balancing act, certainly.
*Elijah and Autumn left for school too soon this summer/fall. Elijah is on his final year of high school. I am sorting through photos and albums in preparation for his graduation and it's so surreal. It often makes me cry. Mostly happy tears, but my goodness, these little people we raise just go on growing and becoming and we eventually spend most of our time watching them do it. We're navigating college visits and trying our best to give him the best advice we have without pushing him in one direction or another. He plans on playing basketball in college and pursuing sports management or kineseology. He is such a fantastic person who is earnest and driven and kind. I cannot wait to see him fly these next years!
*Autumn continues to prove that she is a bright, beautiful light to us all. This year has had some added challenges and choices and I'm always amazed with how she moves through these challenges. That girl can quite frankly do or be anything she wants and that is both exhilarating and terrifying. She talks of jumping out of airplanes and joining the military or adventuring and I recognize the adrenaline seeking piece of her. She is both pieces of her dad and of me and also all her own. I have to often swallow my own fears and encourage her to pursue whatever she feels passionate about, even if that takes her across the world.
*Cory is at such a fun stage. I genuinely love middle school age. He is becoming funnier by the day and finding his passions and personality. It reminds me a bit of a toddler when they start to talk and walk and you find new little parts of them each day. Not unlike having a teenager become more himself. He took up guitar this last year and a half much to all of our enjoyment. He is improving quickly and entertains us all upon request. He also is taking piano, played football and basketball and still finds time to create and develop amazing creations of art.
*Caleb has made some magical shift the past year. We don't quite know if it's nutrition or maturity or routine or what. He is still completely himself, but doesn't have the bite that he use to. It's been a glorious development. He is 100% into Harry Potter and is on his 3rd or 4th time reading the series. He excels in school, particularly math and loves his group of friends. His friend, Julianna, who he calls his BFFN(Best Friend For Now), is most often the topic of adventures during school. Breaks and summer are still hard, but we can see him working to adjust and manage his words and emotions. He has taken up piano the past few months and really enjoys it. He also played tackle football this fall and is playing basketball this winter. His analytical brain and desire to excel are a powerful combination. Middle school will be interesting next year.
*Amessaminthe and Nickson are every bit our children, yet we don't have them here. In fact, we are still not matched with them. I don't even have a good explanation for why except this ridiculous process is beyond understanding. Same as every year, we hope this is our last Christmas without them. My parents are going to Haiti in a few months and I may tag along. It's been too long.
*Chad is still working at Williams and we are thankful for it's security. It's not something he wants to do forever, but it allows us to do things we couldn't otherwise do. He works so crazy hard for us and we love him so much.
*I am pouring my heart and soul into the gym most days. It's an enjoyable "job" and I love the combination of business, people, relationships, development, and fun it provides. We have some big plans for the coming years and I'm learning as I go on how to develop and implement programs to provide more for our current and future people.
Well, that was as much a Christmas letter as any, I suppose. Maybe now I can get to writing about our day to day. Wishful thinking, maybe, but here's hoping.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Adoption
Every day on my mind.
Two beautiful children who we so desperately love without hardly a hint of knowing who they are.
It has been over 9 months since our dossier was accepted into IBESR. 9 months of not knowing how long it would take to get the kids' dossiers done. Not knowing when we started, that it would take this long. We just didn't know that it "should" only take 3 months or less. We didn't know the creche as relicensing and that was taking too long.
The most frustrating part of this entire process to date, is this. We don't know. We trust the people to do the things the people need to do to make this go. We wait, patiently impatient, to hear what the next step needs to be, the next payment due, the next...but knowing we "should' have been well beyond this point months ago is hard.
Always, I think, God's timing. We have to trust that or this becomes a struggle against institutions and organizations and a roller coaster of mind numbing emotions. I am so thankful for the peace throughout. It has been pervasive and constant. God and I have daily conversations about those babies who are no longer babies who we love so much. Protect them, prepare them, show them Your love so ours can be shown.
All that and also, this sucks. It just does. No one can speed it up or make it move at the speed we want. We are trusting that we aren't ready yet and neither are they. Something is still needed in preparation for them and for us.
We carry on...
Two beautiful children who we so desperately love without hardly a hint of knowing who they are.
It has been over 9 months since our dossier was accepted into IBESR. 9 months of not knowing how long it would take to get the kids' dossiers done. Not knowing when we started, that it would take this long. We just didn't know that it "should" only take 3 months or less. We didn't know the creche as relicensing and that was taking too long.
The most frustrating part of this entire process to date, is this. We don't know. We trust the people to do the things the people need to do to make this go. We wait, patiently impatient, to hear what the next step needs to be, the next payment due, the next...but knowing we "should' have been well beyond this point months ago is hard.
Always, I think, God's timing. We have to trust that or this becomes a struggle against institutions and organizations and a roller coaster of mind numbing emotions. I am so thankful for the peace throughout. It has been pervasive and constant. God and I have daily conversations about those babies who are no longer babies who we love so much. Protect them, prepare them, show them Your love so ours can be shown.
All that and also, this sucks. It just does. No one can speed it up or make it move at the speed we want. We are trusting that we aren't ready yet and neither are they. Something is still needed in preparation for them and for us.
We carry on...
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
To my younger self
We passed 17 years of marriage last week and I've had a few conversations lately about relationships and marriage and it's made me think about my 19 year old self who married this boy who was her best friend and loved her and she just didn't want to be away from any more.
I won't pretend to know a darn thing about someone else's marriage because I am certain no one really know what goes on between two people who have decided to spend a lifetime together. But, I can speak to our marriage and I can speak to the girl I was 17 years ago...
To my 19 year old, newly married self:
This is gonna be fun. Truly. You won't believe the joy you will find in being married to Chad.
You will be lonely. Terribly so. Sometimes with him right next to you.
You will have to say goodbye more often then you can imagine. Some of those good byes will be for a day, but some will be for weeks or months and they will be gut-wrenching, but you'll make it through them all.
You will have babies early and often these first 8 years. Hold on. It will be mind-numbingly hard, exhausting and exhilarating. You will wonder simultaneously what you're doing and what could you ever be doing that's better then this. You will miss it. Everyone will tell you that and they aren't lying.
You will make some of the most amazing friends. Friends that will see you through some of the hardest months of your brother dying and Chad being on deployment. Friends who walk with you through having babies early and often and all that comes with that. Friends who will rally around you when you start a business and when you start an adoption. Friends who help you weather drama, trauma, and difficulties that come along.
You'll carry some resentment for a long time from those early years, raising babies alone so often. It's going to make sense some day and you'll know you were never really alone. Those early days will shape you, make you more compassionate, more understanding, and resilient.
You won't believe how much you can love a teenager. They are this magical combination of youth, and goofiness and adultness and confusion. They will challenge you in ways that an infant never could, but they are so very fun and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You will find yourself in a profession that was never on your radar, doing things every day that you never thought you would or could do and you'll love it.
You will one day be sitting in your living room wondering how you got there. You'll wonder about the choices you made even when you didn't feel like you were given a choice. You'll be amazed at the choreography of your life and be so very thankful for it.
You'll look back the winding road to this day and be genuinely excited about the winding road ahead because if nothing else, this life with this man and these kids is always an adventure and you sure do love an adventure.
I won't pretend to know a darn thing about someone else's marriage because I am certain no one really know what goes on between two people who have decided to spend a lifetime together. But, I can speak to our marriage and I can speak to the girl I was 17 years ago...
To my 19 year old, newly married self:
This is gonna be fun. Truly. You won't believe the joy you will find in being married to Chad.
You will be lonely. Terribly so. Sometimes with him right next to you.
You will have to say goodbye more often then you can imagine. Some of those good byes will be for a day, but some will be for weeks or months and they will be gut-wrenching, but you'll make it through them all.
You will have babies early and often these first 8 years. Hold on. It will be mind-numbingly hard, exhausting and exhilarating. You will wonder simultaneously what you're doing and what could you ever be doing that's better then this. You will miss it. Everyone will tell you that and they aren't lying.
You will make some of the most amazing friends. Friends that will see you through some of the hardest months of your brother dying and Chad being on deployment. Friends who walk with you through having babies early and often and all that comes with that. Friends who will rally around you when you start a business and when you start an adoption. Friends who help you weather drama, trauma, and difficulties that come along.
You'll carry some resentment for a long time from those early years, raising babies alone so often. It's going to make sense some day and you'll know you were never really alone. Those early days will shape you, make you more compassionate, more understanding, and resilient.
You won't believe how much you can love a teenager. They are this magical combination of youth, and goofiness and adultness and confusion. They will challenge you in ways that an infant never could, but they are so very fun and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You will find yourself in a profession that was never on your radar, doing things every day that you never thought you would or could do and you'll love it.
You will one day be sitting in your living room wondering how you got there. You'll wonder about the choices you made even when you didn't feel like you were given a choice. You'll be amazed at the choreography of your life and be so very thankful for it.
You'll look back the winding road to this day and be genuinely excited about the winding road ahead because if nothing else, this life with this man and these kids is always an adventure and you sure do love an adventure.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Simultaneous
It's quite difficult to pick up and write again after such a long hiatus. I have spent the last year convinced that no one truly cares what others have to say. We just want to make our point and walk away with it. It's been a period of so much talking and so little listening and adding my voice to the noise seemed silly. When things get loud, I tend to pull back.
I don't know why I'm writing now, except I want to put thoughts down so I remember this time.
It's been a year of simultaneous. I have felt maybe more then ever this overlapping of emotions and have been trying to make peace with that.
Our life is noisy. Not necessarily in the volume of our home, but in the volume in our days. There is so much volume and my mind gets noisy. It bounces from one space to the next. One task to the next. We pass on information and forget to pause. I have forgotten this past year how much I need to pause, not to listen to others necessarily, but to hear my own heart.
Here is where the simultaneousness of our life has raged...I love our life. It is so full of so many fabulous things. Our business is growing. Peace about my role in our business has settled in. We are surrounded by wonderful people on a daily basis. Our children are healthy and happy and growing. In all the world, I still consider Chad my best friend, biggest cheerleader, and greatest love.
And yet...I am sad sometimes. Profoundly. It's not a depressive sadness(I know that feeling). It's these feelings of being both so thankful and content, yet missing a different path or place or people.
I miss Haiti. I am so drawn to people who are doing meaningful work there. I miss the ocean. My mind always quieted next to the waves. I miss God. He's still there, but I've wandered away in the noise. I think I miss myself...she retreated somewhere. I don't think she is the same person she was a year ago, but I don't know, yet. 
Can you be both happy and sad? I am. And it's confusing. I don't want to change my life, but I do wonder how it could be different. I'm excited for the direction our life is taking. Our adoption is moving closer and more then anything my heart wants to be on the other side of it. Our business is growing and we have dreams and plans for it. Our children are showing themselves to be really amazing people, despite or because of us(I'll always argue despite of us), or well, both, simultaneously. Despite the noise, Chad and I still manage to like each other often and love each other always. So, I sit with all of this and wonder how I can be both happy and sad? How can I both love the life I lead and look for a life that's different? How would it be different? Chad has asked me that and I'm not even sure. Haiti, always. If I was free, I'd go. But I'm not and that's ok, but it hurts a part of my soul. The ocean calls, but I'd want to take our life here with us, all the people...
Simultaneous: existing, occurring, operating at the same time. Concurrent.
Monday, July 4, 2016
Aftermath
It's maybe a coincidence that I haven't blogged since I've been home from my last trip to Haiti and this post is kinda about Haiti. Maybe it's taken this long to process it. Or maybe I just need to get it out of my head.
It's the 4th of July and I'm holed up in my room. I'm a little jumpy this year. A little anxious. Lots of things are being blown up and set on fire and popping outside. As the day has gone on, it's getting tougher to pretend it doesn't bother me. It's not as enjoyable this year.
On the Wednesday evening of my last visit to Haiti in April, our group witnessed a shooting near our guesthouse. It was terrifying, traumatic and obviously, not something I'm "over." The good news is we were safe, cared for, and protected that evening. Nothing about how I feel about Haiti has changed. It has never been safe and probably never will be. We all knew that going in and were unfortunately reminded of that, firsthand, on this particular trip.
What has me thinking today is how many people live with this kind of reality. The level of my anxiety is mild, I'm sure, and I will most likely be ok in a few days when all the firecrackers have been used up. Firecrackers sounds just like gunfire. I think about all the military who suffer from PTSD. How many of them dread this day? The constant popping. Or those who have witnessed some kind of gun violence? How do they deal with today? Or the ones who live in neighborhoods where the popping is heard often and it's not from fireworks?
I'll make it through today, but I can't help the memories flashing or the heart racing that happens when those firecrackers go off and this is from just one incident. How much more do others have to carry?
It's the 4th of July and I'm holed up in my room. I'm a little jumpy this year. A little anxious. Lots of things are being blown up and set on fire and popping outside. As the day has gone on, it's getting tougher to pretend it doesn't bother me. It's not as enjoyable this year.
On the Wednesday evening of my last visit to Haiti in April, our group witnessed a shooting near our guesthouse. It was terrifying, traumatic and obviously, not something I'm "over." The good news is we were safe, cared for, and protected that evening. Nothing about how I feel about Haiti has changed. It has never been safe and probably never will be. We all knew that going in and were unfortunately reminded of that, firsthand, on this particular trip.
What has me thinking today is how many people live with this kind of reality. The level of my anxiety is mild, I'm sure, and I will most likely be ok in a few days when all the firecrackers have been used up. Firecrackers sounds just like gunfire. I think about all the military who suffer from PTSD. How many of them dread this day? The constant popping. Or those who have witnessed some kind of gun violence? How do they deal with today? Or the ones who live in neighborhoods where the popping is heard often and it's not from fireworks?
I'll make it through today, but I can't help the memories flashing or the heart racing that happens when those firecrackers go off and this is from just one incident. How much more do others have to carry?
Friday, April 15, 2016
A week in pictures.
Together in Haiti for the first of hopefully, many times!
Haiti is better with friends like her.
I spent Sunday with my friend Nadine and her sweet family. Her little boys are just the sweetest!
And Silliest! :-)
Prestige. Every. day.
Rosie girl. She is so special.
Litte Nadia!
The view from Coracess, a new preaching station for the Lutheran Church in Haiti.
A temporary building, but beautiful none-the-less.
I really enjoyed getting to know Jean better this trip! He is super computer savvy and has the best smile!
I can't really explain the joy that is Roby. He says we are friends who became family and it's so very true.
Earthquake memorial over a mass grave site.
Haunting.
Annie!!
Divine Kids! So sweet!
Pinata time!
Filling rice and bean bags.
Lookout Point with a few of my favorite people!
Dear Pierre.
My beautiful momma enjoying a drink after working at Lophane's house!
Gin and Tonic in Haiti? Yes, please!
Farkle Fun!
Gertrude!
The view from Lophane's second floor
No Bull in Haiti. My camo shoes blended right in!
Rooftop resting in the sun.
Apparent Project for a little R&R
A picture of the boys taking selfies :-)
Coffee lover.
The view from Apparent Project. My new favorite hangout in Haiti!
These are just everywhere! I want them, but I can't keep plants live so I just took a pretty picture instead.
My momma
Nadia looked so cute this day1
Christine!
Lillivois
These two could not be any cuter! The view from the top of an abandoned orphanage was stunning!
More of my favorite people
Pierre's dad's music school.
Croix des Bouquet metal market. So amazing what they can do!
This little guy's toy was so creative!
More farkle. Pay no attention to the man in the salmon colored tank ;-)
The Brad and Angelina of Haiti. Ha! Love these two!
The drive to Roby's was UP!
The view from his home site!
Lots and lots of cinder blocks were moved. 150, I believe!
Walls going up at Roby's
Lots of neighbor kids came out to watch a bunch of American's haul blocks and cement!
Roby's brother and cousin.
"The Boys"
Leonard. I have so much love and respect for this man. He carries the weight of many heartaches and pain, but his love for Christ remains the most evident thing about him.
Pierre and Jean heading out!
I bought a lot of things this trip and this bag was the only thing that would hold my larger purchase!
Mejenge doing her English homework. I only helped a little!
Beautiful girl!
Packed up and heading to the airport!
Haiti is always hard to leave.
We had what was suppose to be 9 hours in Miami and turned into 11, but we made the most of it! Seafood and South Beach! I don't know why I don't live by the ocean.
There are a thousand more pictures that were taken by the group, and a thousand stories that could be told.
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