Look what I found today?!?!

The ONLY pictures we have of the first few days of Elijah's life.

Please disregard the bloated, puffy faced 20 year old and focus on the little bundle she is holding!

I just died a little...

Exercise

I'm a fan of it. 
Mostly, I think it's great for other people. 
I'm a fan of it, like I'm a fan of eating contests. 
It baffles and amazes me what people can do to or with their bodies.

I'm kidding.  Well, not about the eating contest thing.  Those people are baffling.
I do like exercise.  Somedays I like the idea of it more then the actual doing of it!
In the past 4+ years, I've slowly, but surely made excercise a part of my weekly schedule.  I say weekly, because I don't do it on a daily basis.
There have been times when I'm very focused and intent and do it faithfully.  Then, my schedule gets whacked out or I get lazy and only get myself to the gym once or twice a week.  And, I'm ok with that.

I remember the first spring we had moved to town and I just stood at my window or stared out the car window at an intersection at all the people out running.  All I could think was, "Weird." 
When the weather warms up and even when it isn't warm, people are out.  Running, biking, walking.  I think just seeing that made me think about excercising more.  Not that I did it right away, but I thought about it.
Having Chad working at the Y is obviously a major influence, as well.  Hard to make up too many excuses when you have a free gym membership and child care. 
So, over the years, I've changed.  What I would never have thought I could do or even want to do, I've done.  It has been in microscopic stages at times, but I look back at what I considered a good workout 4 years ago and what I can do now and it's amazing where baby steps will get you.
I did a mini triathlon 2 summers ago. 

 I'm doing an indoor triathlon tomorrow.  I would have NEVER thought I would physically be able to do that, let alone mentally. 

My point is that every little step matters when it comes to exercise.  I have exercise ADD.  I can't do the same thing every day.  I'll quit cause I'm bored.  Know yourself.  It's taken me a lot of trial and error and I still spaz out and don't do anything for days on end sometimes.
You can find couch potato to marathon in 12 week programs, but that's not for everyone.  It's taking the one class that scares you cause you don't think you could do it, that you go to anyway.  It's signing up for a run or tri that makes you have a panic attack just thinking about it.  It's not beating yourself up when you don't work out for a few days.  It's just changing the landscape of how you think about exercise.  It's not an all or nothing deal.
I'll never be an elite athlete, but that's just fine.  Those people make me tired, as I sit in awe, eating my oreos.
I'm a fan of exercise.  Today, anyway.

Road trip induced thoughts

I went to my parents this past weekend.
It was refreshing in every way except the sleep category.
So glad I went and per usual, I really enjoyed the ride home.

Kids all fell asleep and I had total quiet for about 3 hours.

A few thoughts I had while I was driving...
--I haven't been the happiest person lately.  I usually am and I feel like the past few months, I'm forcing it somethings and not even trying other times.  I have so much to be happy about and thankful for, and I just cannot seem to break out of this funk.  I don't like it and I'm working on it.  I pray alot.
--I don't think anyone who it would affect reads this blog so I'm going to go ahead and put it out there that my brother Isaac and his fiancee have set a wedding date!  Easter weekend!!  I super-de-duper love his fiancee.  She is simply lovely.  Inside and out.  Oddly, I have thought so much about what Luke would say about all this.  He and Isaac were so close to each other and I know he would be so proud of who Isaac is today and who he has chosen to spend his life with, just like the rest of us.  I imagine he would be a little jealous too cause she's pretty amazing.
--Speaking of Luke, when several us get together, like this weekend, there are always a few moments where I just wonder about who he would be.  Would he laugh at the stuff we all laugh at?  Would he like the kinds of music we all seem to like?  Just makes me wonder...
--I saw Gabe play this weekend and he just keeps getting better.  Better at the technical stuff, better at the vocals, just better.  I so much want him to really "make it" in music.  He loves it and he's good.  If only, that was all you needed. 
--I thought, again, of Luke and if things had gone differently, would Gabe be where he is at?  He pursued music after Luke died.  There are alot of emotions that Gabe has put into his lyrics and songs.  It's powerful and moving.  I wonder...
--I am so baffled by the amount of illness that has ran through our household the past few months.  We have never had anything like this and I've always thought my kids had pretty robust immune systems.  Guess not.
--I love my sisters.  We are working on starting a blog together.  We all blog separately so thought we might as well collaborate.  It could be awesome... or lame.  Not sure yet.
--Caleb has been a total and utter pain.  I would like to send him to boot camp...or military school...or obedience training.  Or anything else that would get me off the hook from following him around all day telling him 'NO' or 'STOP IT'.  It gets really old.  His new favorite phrase upon be reprimanded..."I don't care."  I'm in so much trouble.
--My mom is amazing.  She is working on an idea.  A really good idea to set up some kind of mentoring/counseling system within our church bodies for pastors and their wives when they go through loss.  I had never really thought about it, but pastor's families are in a very unique position in a community and do require a different type of counseling, I think.  It's a wonderful idea and I hope it all works out!

I suppose that's all for now.  I love having time to think quietly.  It's therapeutic. 

Double digits

10.
That's a big number.

He was suppose to be born March 19, which is why when I started having contractions on February 16, I did not think they were legit.

My first baby.
I hadn't take childbirth classes.
I didn't really think I needed to.
My mom was a midwife.  I'd seen enough of the childbirth classes my mom taught to the Amish at our house growing up.
She had this cushy uterus/pelvic thing that she pushed a baby doll through.
No big deal, right?
I also read What to Expect when You're Expecting. 
Does that count as childbirth classes? 
No.

Ok, back to my point.  Which is, you ask??
This guy!

10 years ago, I randomly went into labor over a month before I was suppose to.
I was scared, but oddly calm.
I already had my bag for the hospital packed.
We left for the hospital and then had to go back home to get our camera, which we then forgot at the hospital when we left there a few days later.  Never to be found again.
The only photos we have of Elijah in the hospital are a few the couple next to us took and gave to us on a floppy disk, which I can't put on this computer.  Boo!!


Now, I will tell you that I was pretty upset that I was going into labor so early for one specific reason. 
It's dumb, but I was worried what people would say.
Chad and I had eloped and gotten pregnant IMMEDIATELY. 
Like, I think when he kissed me after my dad pronounced us husband and wife, I was knocked up.
TMI? 
Sorry.
Anywho, now I was having a baby 8 months later. 
Suspicious? 
Yep.
So, for all time and here in the cyber world, I will tell you that Elijah was not illegitimately conceived. 
Just wanted to get that out there.
He will be quite embarrassed someday by this statement.

Again, back to my point...I'm all over the place today...Sorry!
It's cause my #1 is 10 and I'm dying inside.
He was a tiny 6 lbs and 1 oz and perfect. 
He had blonde hair and the bluest eyes. 
His hair has darkened, but those eyes have stayed perfectly blue.
He has challenged every fiber of my being and made me look at the world in a whole new way.  
His presence has made me feel the highest highs and the lowest lows.
And, if I could choose the kind of child to have, I'd choose him.

In honor of the big 10, here are 10 reasons why Elijah is the bomb-diggity. 
I think bomb-diggity should be used more.

10. He is so snuggly.  He loves a good cuddle and I hope he never grows out of that.
9.  He wasn't offended when I told him I thought he looked like an alien when he was born. 
8.  He loves to draw.  If you haven't seen his ceiling and wall in his room, you should.  It's awesome.
7.  He loves to read.  BIG books.  Boy after my own heart. :)
6.  He geniunely HATES to do anything wrong.  This is a double-edged sword.  He sees his world very black and white. 
5.  He and Autumn are best friends.  Don't tell them that cause they'll get mad.
4. He can just as easily play with a friend his own age as he can with his 5 or 2 year old brothers.
3.  He is kind-hearted and considerate of others.
2.  He is a gentle spirit and LOVES all animals, but dogs, wolves and lions the best.
1.  He's stinkin' adorable! :)  Don't believe me? 
Look at these!

Happy Birthday, Elijah!!

VD

No not venereal disease, cause I know that's what you were thinking.
I'm talkin' bout Valentine's Day, people. 
The day of LOVE!!

The DUMBEST pseudo-holiday around. 

And this is coming from someone who has rarely not had a special someone on this day. 
I'm not bragging. 
I'm just making the point that it's not just the people who DON'T have someone to give them chocolate, flowers and sappy cards that think this holiday is dumb.

Now, I have been known to enjoy this day. 
I'm not necessarily the Grinch of VD. 
And, I'm the first to admit that if the hubs DOESN'T at least acknowledge the day in some small way (a flower, a card, or lots of kisses), then I MIGHT get a little snarky. 
It's just the pressure of the "holiday" that bothers me.  It seems that if you don't do anything for your significant other on this day, you're lame or don't REALLY love them. 
I don't need a specific day to tell me that I should tell someone that I love and appreciate them.  I prefer random acts of love, given and received.
Mostly, I see it as an opportunity for the retail sector to survive the dry spell between Christmas and Easter.

So, just in case you were wondering about how I feel about VD, now you know. 
Hope I didn't put a damper on your lovey, dovey, romantic day!
HAPPY VD!!!

The what ifs...

I left yesterday for a little while to run some errands.
Upon arriving home, I got out of the car and started walking towards the front porch.
Next to the porch, there were several of Autumn's dolls and toys.
"Strange." I thought.
Then I looked up.
Autumn's window was open.

She doesn't have a screen on her window.  It's a constant unsettling feeling.  She is suppose to keep it locked at all times.

I went in the house and told Autumn and Cory to come outside.
Neither of them had done it.
Caleb comes up behind us and says, "I did it."
Well, that mystery is solved.
My heart starts racing, that scary, panicky feeling hits me.
I run upstairs with Caleb into Autumn's room.
There are about 10-15 other things on the roof right outside her window. 
Pictures, books, clothes...
He had unlocked the window and thrown everything in reach out the window.
By God's grace, he didn't get himself out the window.
It's a steep roof.
I climbed out to get all the stuff, then my mind went to all of the what ifs...I had to stop and just hug his little punk, trouble-causing , heart-attack inducing self.

"I'm leavin'...on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again."

Oh, how I wish that were true...
I have a problem.
When I get stressed, really stressed, I have a powerful urge to run away.
This looks decent...




I would go there.

Now before we all freak out, I'm not planning on being some tragic character in a novel that leaves her family to get away from the stresses of motherhood and all that jazz to find herself, although that does sound nice. 
See, I'm willing to run away with my kids, if needed.

This urge usually includes a desire to run home to my mommy. 

Why is that at 30 years old, I still feel like I NEED my mom. 
It really feels like she's the only who can "fix" me, sometimes. 

I need clarity, relief, distractions, rest.  Someone who I know really knows the stress of an absent husband, sick kids for months on end, the urge to run and so much more. 
I need someone to tell me all the things I already know.  That this too shall past.  That this is an internal, spiritual struggle.  That' I'm not failing miserably at everything I'm doing.
Going to my parents provides me all that. 
I am my most ME with them. 
I don't have to pretend that Chad's jobs aren't sucking the life out of our family and we don't know how to fix it. 
I don't have to pretend that, as much as I love my kids deep down, they haven't lately made me want to crawl into a hole til spring. 
I know that although I DO feel that way, they will make me feel like it's not that bad and we're all going to be ok.

So, thanks to my thoughtful and caring little sister, I'm going to go see my family next weekend. 
I'm going to hang on by my nubby little fingernails and not go crazy this week. 
I will even try to enjoy the week. 
And I will gladly run away next weekend and hopefully come back with all those things my heart needs... and some good memories.

Checking out...

I really probably shouldn't be homeschooling. 
I've said that since I started it 4+ years ago.
I pretty much mentally check out after Christmas.  Well, if I'm honest, it's usually around Thanksgiving that I lose all motivation to "do school."
That's pretty sad.
Nothing makes me want to homeschool at this point, except an obligation to finish out the year.
My only saving grace is that, so far, the 2 children I have homeschooled were and are very independent and self-motivated. 

And, it's right about this time of year that I question why I choose to homeschool for any length of time and if I think it's really better for them or us as a family. 

This is the conclusion I usually come to...I homeschool partially out of obligation and partially out of a desire to maintain a heavier influence over my kids for just a few years longer. 
Not necessarily because I can give them a better education.  In fact, I don't know if they do get a better education with me. 
I absolutely believe they COULD, if I would be more on top of things or if that was what I was motivated by.
I can make every argument under the sun why I think homeschooling is, by in large, a better situation for most kids.  I can even convince myself that those are all the reasons I homeschool, as well.
But, if I'm honest, that's not why I do it. 
I'm a half-ass homeschooler (pardon the language). 
I love it for what it could be and hate it for what I'm not.

And there in rests the guilt for doing it and not doing it well enough and the guilt in letting it go, if we do. 

I cannot wrap my head around working with multiple children, so we have come to this crossroads before when Elijah was getting a little older and Autumn was needing more attention, schoolwise.  We're there again with Autumn and now Cory.  I want that one on one time with Cory and I can't seem to find it with the time it takes for Autumn's work.  Maybe I'm not organized enough, or I'm too busy with other activities(like blogging :) ), or who knows what else. 
All I know is, it feels like Cory is getting the short end in this situation and I hate that.

So round and round I go...what to do, what to do???

Random thoughts on a snow day.

It's pretty stinkin' cold outside.
Trust me, I know.
I looked out the window and our heating system hasn't turned off in hours. 
I haven't actually gone outside since Sunday and I don't really plan on going out today.
I might make myself run to Walmart because we're running low on food, but I think we could survive another day, if I didn't, so we'll see.

No school the last 2 days either.  Sometimes I think we're kinda wimpy around here, weather-wise, but I'm not really gonna complain about school getting cancelled. 
I didn't want to get Elijah out to school the last  2 mornings.

Snow days around here involve alot of yelling, fort-building, movies, fighting, and general discontent. 
My kids need outdoor air.  Although it would seem they are getting it through all the drafts in the house, but that doesn't seem to be enough!

I have been basically useless the last 2 days because I started reading The Lovely Bones and then the first 2 books in The Hunger Games series.  Both addictive reading on my part. 
I coudn't put them down, which means my house was in total disarray and we had graham crackers and marshmellow creme for dinner.
Don't judge me, please.

I'm getting the itch to defunk, which is pretty funny when I look around our house.  It is plenty furnished for my taste and probably very sparsely furnished by other people's standards.  It's just getting to that time of year, I guess. 
I need to get rid of stuff! 
Anything! 
Hopefully, my kids survive the defunking...I don't think they take children at Goodwill.

We had our 2 quarterbacks and one of their girlfriends over for lunch on Sunday.  It was an entirely pleasant afternoon.  They are both really nice, genuine guys and I just HATE that only one of them will start in the fall. 

I'm sitting under the boys room, which is where the kids are all playing.  It's sounds like a herd of elephants are running around up there.

I have not been able to stop thinking about adopting a child or children from Haiti the last few months.  It's almost always in the back of my mind as something I would love to do, but it's definitely moved to the front recently.  Don't know why.  I just pray for them, not knowing who they might be.  If we have a child or children that will one day be ours, I want them to stay safe and healthy.  Praying can't hurt.
We're still a long way from actually adopting them.  Haiti adoptions are notoriously difficult and drawn out.  One of us has to be 35 anyway, so we have some time.  And, we can't be poor.  Which I don't feel like we're poor, but according to the government, we're too poor to adopt.  So, we have a few years to remedy that, as well.

I am anxiously anticipating a girls' weekend in Omaha in March.  And by anxious, I mean I spend too much time looking up things in Omaha and dreaming about it.  I have an unnatural LOVE for Omaha.  I have never lived there, but have been there enough to know it's one of the coolest cities in the country. 
Really, it is!
And, I can't wait to go hang out with a bunch of my favorite girls!

Has this post gotten obnoxiously long or what? 
You'll have to forgive me.  I haven't been outside or really talked to an adult, besides Chad, since Sunday.

So, happy snow day.  I might be bored enough to post again later!