What I want....

is to be content in all circumstances,
joyful in all situations,
thankful for the seemingly trivial,
aware of others struggles,
able to smile when things don't go my way,
and happy to hand each moment over to a faithful God.

What I am...
is annoyed when others don't do what I think they should do,
peeved when I think something should go a certain way and it doesn't,
oblivious to behind-the-scene struggles,
grumpy when I know we're in for a rough round,
and mad that my faithful God didn't think my way was better.

And so I'm practicing, still, eucharisteo.  Giving thanks.  It's not as easy as it may sound.  And the more I do it, the more I'm aware at how bad I am at it.  It's like putting a spotlight on every single moment I feel mad, grumpy, annoyed, angry, etc, ad nauseum...
I'm struggling with feeling those real, human emotions and pausing to still give thanks in them. 
It is bizarre.  Saying thank you for something...when I want to yell and pound my fists against the wall.
What a battle we wage...

Weary

I went to my parent's house this weekend. I have spent the past few weeks weary, worn, too tired to do dishes, cook a meal, or be happy.  It took so much effort to smile, to be kind.
I can't even tell you a good reason why I felt that way.  I just did.
Even as a grown woman, mother to 4, I sometimes need my mom, my dad, their home.
My mom has mentioned a few times this book she had recently read.  Just in passing.."You need to read this."  Sure, sure.  I love a good book.
Friday morning I woke up, curled up in their recliner and rarely left it most of the day.  I read.  I'm not even done with the book and it has changed me. 
A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.
Gratitude.
Eucharisteo.
Give thanks.
She took a challenge to list a thousand thank yous.  It changed her from a bitter, angry woman who had alot to be bitter about in her past to a grateful, God-seeing, thanks-giving woman.  She writes beautifully, powerfully.  She is honest about the struggles of life and doesn't sugar-coat the fact that it's nearly impossible to be thankful in ALL circumstances, but that it is possible.
It's given me much to think on. 
Eucharisteo.
I'm going to practice it.

Blah, blah, blah, blah

I really don't have much to write about these days.  For whatever reason, I feel like I've been operating in a haze the past few weeks.  Much more tired then usual...Days have just run from one to the next without anything profound or crazy happening.
I'm ok with that for awhile, but then I start to feel like I need something to shake up the monotony. 
We're heading to my parents for the weekend so that will give me something to get ready for, I guess.
My best Caleb story from the past weeks is when he asked a guy who was across the street if he was creepy.  That got us all laughing pretty good.  Apparently, Caleb yelled across the street, "Hey stranger guy! Are you creepy?"  When the guy replied no, he yelled again, "Are you a creepy stranger?"  At this point, I'm sure the gentleman was quite uncomfortable (I did not see this exchange, but Autumn did).  Caleb came running in and said, "Mom, mom!  Don't worry that stranger guy across the street isn't creepy.  I asked him and he said no."
Imagine my relief to know that my 3 year old feels comfortable asking strangers if they are creepy!  Geez.
I feel a nap coming on...we'll see if the peeps will leave me alone long enough to snooze for a bit.

TV

There has been an over-abundance of movie watching going on at our house the past few weeks.
I will occasionally give myself a mental pat on the back because we don't have cable so I somehow think that cuts our TV watching way down.
I'm not so sure after the past few weeks.
Living a block from the library and having 2 older kids that can go on their own whenever means ALOT of free movies rotating through our house.
We've watched Dora the Explorer til we're all yelling "MAP" at the top of our lungs in our sleep.  Caillou has made is way into the line-up and it makes me want to pull my hair out, "Caaiiii-yuuuu."  I can't stand that whiny kid.
Then we occasionally have Magic School Bus, which means they are learning something, right?
And Autumn loves Little House on the Prairie and the American Girls series.
I could go on, but it's already getting embarrassing.
There is an easy solution to this problem. 
I know this. 
Just turn it off, right? 
It's so easy.
I will...after I finish writing this post and checking Facebook again, and I clear off the table and something else I'm sure I need to do...
Help! My kids are turning into vegetables.

Step ??

Submitted my passport documents today.  I realize for the well-traveled individual this is not a big deal.
It happens to be a very big deal to me.  It means when the time comes, all I need is a plane ticket.  It means I can go to Haiti.  My dad is waiting to hear when he can go and teach at the seminary this summer.  I'm waiting to hear if those we know can help us along with an adoption. 
There is a theme here...waiting...patience is a virtue.
My hope is to be able to go to Haiti with my dad.  I haven't talked with him about this, but I'm assuming he's cool with it. 
I want to meet these people that my family has talked about for so long. 
I want to go to the orphanage. 
I want to hold some babies. 
I will try not to smuggle them back with me...I said try...
I submitted those papers with an end goal in mind.  Not an international vacation (although that sounds really nice).
My end goal is our babies.
I want to bring them home.
I know we are months and years from that end goal, but it's a step...

Warning

I'm talking about sex in this post...

I don't usually go on record to voice my stance on the issues that are currently running through our political system.
There is one that keeps coming up in the news that I have pretty strong feelings about...birth control as a health issue.
Let me start this off with saying that I know there are genuine health problems that birth control pills are used for treating and I do not consider that equivalent to taking birth control pills to prevent pregnancy.  Two different issues, as far as I'm concerned. 
My issue, I suppose, is that we are essentially legislating sex.  I do have a problem with that.  Since when was sex included in our inalienable rights?  It is a choice, not a right. How I choose to conceive or prevent conception should be on my financial shoulders.  Not the American public.

I honestly think that we must insist that as a society we understand that with this CHOICE comes responsibility, instead of essentially, saying, "Go for it.  We got your back.  We'll pay for your bc pills, we'll provide you with abortions, we'll treat your STD's and we'll make sure you don't have to deal with an unwanted baby all so you can keep having sex any which way you want." 
I am not just speaking to those who are promiscous, either.  I'm talking to the married folk, the "committed" relationship people, the youth, the adults, everyone.
If I myself choose to have sex, then I must bear the responsibility, whether that be a child, STD, emotional baggage and all the good stuff too, that comes with that choice. 
Why does my employer and therefore, the American public, need to bear the weight of my choice.  If I take bc pills to prevent pregnancy, but I cannot afford those pills on my own, then maybe I shouldn't be having sex.  And I know this is shocking, but there other ways to prevent pregnancy and STD's then a pill.
Again, if I have a health issue that birth control pills relieve, that is a different topic all together. 
It is truly just baffling to me that we have become a society that has allowed our Congress to be so intimately involved in our sex lives.  Oh, I know, it's a women's health issue.  Bull.
It is another case of entitlement.  Pay for my pills so I can have sex without responsibility. 
I know that it's not quite this cut and dry, but it's much more cut and dry then people want to make it.  And it makes me a little batty when it constantly comes back to a "women's health issue."  It's a choice issue.  It's a responsibility issue.  It's a sex education issue, as in don't have sex unless you can be responsible for the results of that action.
I absolutely understand that there are fierce opponents to my opinions.  People get nasty about this kind of thing.  Don't be messin' with my sex life-kind of nasty.  I don't want to mess with your sex life, in fact, I'd like you to keep that all to yourself, including the monetary cost of your choices.
We shouldn't be covering birth control unless there is a medical condition.  Not wanting to get pregnant is NOT a medical condition.  Just watch...next we're going to be required to pay for boob jobs because it's a womens health issue. 
And, I'm now stepping down off my soap box and resuming my quiet life. :-)