On the brink.

We've been sitting here on the brink of this new adventure for what seems like an eternity, but in actuality has only been a few months. 
We are so close to diving in to our new CrossFit gym. 
It's exhausting, exhilarating, and daunting. 
It's a lot of moolah up front.  It's trusting that moolah will come back around on the other side.
It's me squelching a lot of "what ifs", "I don't knows" and "I can'ts".
It's a lot of talk, rehash, re-evaluate, talk, "CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!", rest, discuss, decide...

My prayer is that people will see in Chad and I a pure desire to help others.  That this is not a trend.  That CrossFit is more then the latest fitness bandwagon. That improved fitness is possible with any subset of people.  I hope this reaches wide in our community.

There is no way I would have thought a few years back that this was in our future.  I've become quite accustomed to not trying to figure out our future.  Generally that means I try to keep super low expectations.  With this though, in the quiet places of my mind, they are high.
I hope we reach the heights.

Laundry

I would like to apologize beforehand. 

Scene: Me laying on the bed looking at my phone.
           Chad getting ready to work out.

Chad: "I think my abs are almost back to normal," as he raises his shirt to reveal his washboard abs.  "Can you massage them a little though?"
Me: "It's hard to massage stone, babe."
Chad: "Yeah. Anyone need some laundry done around here?"

This is my world. 

Genius

Scene: Coloring in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle coloring book with Caleb.  Caleb hands me a red and a yellow.
Me: Caleb, what color will these two make?
Caleb: Orange.
Me: Wow, Caleb.  That's right. You're smarter then some kindergarteners.
Caleb: I know.  It's cuz I'm a genius.

Well, there you have it.  We have a genius.

For the love of smart people

Some people have good ideas.  Some people have great ideas.  People like me like to use other people's ideas.
Hence, why I like Pinterest.  I am not an idea's person.  I'm good with someone else coming up with something genius and using it! 
So, the latest genius idea that came from someone else that I've come across is Pure Charity!
Oh my stinkin' goodness.  It's so smart, it hurts.  Lots of bloggers I read have jumped on this one and I wanted to spread the word too.  My blog reach is SUPER limited, but if all 4 of you tell a few people then SOMEONE will join, right??!!?
So go to Pure Charity, create an account, register your card or cards, download the online app and get to making some moolah for charity.  I was blown away by all the online retailers that are a part of this.  Big names. Walmart, Target, Lowes, Home Depot, Sephora, Best Buy, Gap.  ENDLESS!!!  You could literally spend every penny of every purchase for the rest of your life at one of the stores.  AND get $ to give to any of the projects listed! JACKPOT!
What's cool too is you can just put some money in your account whenever too.  So if you want to give $20 to a project, just go ahead.  No shopping required.
Genius, people, pure genius.  Now if I can just get ahold of someone there so I can figure out how to get the orphanage up as a project, I'll be comatose with excitement!
Go.  Do it.  Now. Or at least tell someone else to do it!

Awe

Do you ever look at your own life or maybe someone else's in awe?  
Maybe its because they seem to have it all together and it's hard to imagine them yelling at their kids, having a dirty house or a real care in the world and you're in awe that they keep it all together.

Maybe it's because they have succumbed to the stress life can produce and are wrapped up in alcohol, drugs or maybe seemingly more benign vices, like body image issues or food addictions and you're in awe because pain and stress can pull someone so far from themselves.

Maybe it's because they are thrown nearly every imaginable trial and still get up every morning.  Smile and laugh occasionally. And live on in the face of heartbreaking pain.

Anymore, I am rarely in awe of the first example because I think it rarely holds true. 
I am sometimes in awe at how painful it is to watch someone self-destruct. Not in a self-righteous way, but in a manner that makes me want to meet them in their pain somehow.

But I am never more in awe than when I see someone fight for sanity, for peace, for life, for health against all the odds.  I am in awe at people that want to make the trivial important when so many literally have to convince themselves that tomorrow is worth it.

I am in awe tonight.  Not of myself, but of another. She takes the pain because she has no choice. And she will be the first to tell you she'd gladly choose otherwise. She would happily pass on any one burden she carries.
She wouldn't agree, but it's beyond understanding how she handles her ever changing world, the emotions, the pain, the good and the bad. 
There are moments I have no words of comfort, no way to ease the burdens, no means to make it better, but I stand in awe as she chooses to take on the next day.  Believe me, it's awe-worthy.

Photo Dump!

Bruises from kettlebell snatches that I apparently don't do properly. 

Running with the post of a horseshoe game + falling on concrete=ER visit.

No stitches!  We had a very lengthy conversation prior to the doctor coming. in which I tried to convince him that if the Hulk hurt his hand, he would let the doctor fix it and thereby default, Caleb should let the doctor fix his hand, as well.  Caleb was unconvinced by this logic, as Hulk doesn't do anything he doesn't want and Caleb did not want stitches.
Guess we both won that one, right?

Lucky #7.  I love watching this boy play sports.  Kinda makes me giddy.

My current chalkboard.  Something I need to hear E.V.E.R.Y day.

Oh baby love.  Not a bad reason to go to Virginia for a few days, aye?

Beautiful beach girls!

Many, many hours spent along this coastline. Made me very nostalgic for the "early years" of our marriage. 

Halloween 2012-like no other. 

Batgirl, 80s rocker, ninja, "wacky boy"(I didn't really get it either), army guy (or navy special forces guy), red dragon, red ninja, and Venom without the mask.
A motley crew to say the least. 

Halloween, again? 

Nope.  Just another day in the life of Cory Luke.  He has been wearing this nearly every day for about a week now.  The glasses just put me over the edge :)

Ran an errand and left Cory to do some handwriting.  This was taped to the door upon my return. 1. Beautiful handwriting for the little guy. 2. He taped the pen with it so I could "star" the best ones.

Oh! Hello again.

Where does the time go?  I am telling you, it feels like my last post was just a few days ago, but it's been weeks. WEEKS!! 
I don't know how to catch up on weeks. 
Little things happened.  Big things happened. 
So here's a recap and hopefully I can be a little more on top of things in the coming weeks (we all know not to hold our breath on that one, right?)...
I came back from VA with a nasty cold.  It didn't settle in really bad for a few days, but it took me down a notch for several days and is still lingering slightly.  Totally manageable and totally worth the trip! 
Before I got too sick, Chad and I were able to compete with some of our friends in a CrossFit competition in Olathe.  It was wicked fun in a painful, sweaty way.

Natasha, Anna, me, Becky and Shelly

Go McPherson CrossFitters!

 

Snatchin'

Such good form



The guys goofing off.
Dan, Matt, Jeramy, Chad and Eric



 

We drove home late that night with 4 extra kiddos.  3 of our nephews and 1 niece came back home with us for a few days while their parents, Chad's brother and wife, finished up some packing/moving details.  Sadly for us they will be in Hawaii the next 3 years.  I keep dreaming we'll be able to visit them. 


In other news, we're a few steps closer to opening our own CrossFit gym.  I'm so excited for Chad to be able to spend his free time doing something he is so passionate about.  I will also be coaching and will get certified in the next few months.  I'm excited and nervous about that.  I have learned so much in the past few years about body mechanics, olympic lifting, training, and the list goes on.  I hope I am able to convey those things to others!  It's a daunting task and not one I thought I'd ever take on, but I'd love to pass on my knowledge (however limited, at this point) to anyone who wants to learn!

So I suppose that's the recap.  The day to day continues as usual with our little peeps.  Lots of practices and school.
Life marches on...



VA Bch

 I spent the last 5 days in Virginia Beach.  I love it there.  It feels so beautifully familiar.  We spent 3+ years there very early on in our marriage.  Elijah and Autumn were both born in Portsmouth.  Such great memories and painfully hard ones, as well.  My brother died while we were there.  I struggled as a single mom for months there.  I grew tremendously there.
This trip was spent with my sister/friend, Caroline and her new baby, Easton.  It meant restless nights snuggling this beautiful baby.  I loved every second of it and would go back if I could.  Watching this young girl, who happens to be about the same age I was when we first met her family, was amazing.  She is maternal and calm and courageous.  She's a single mom determined to make a life for this baby boy.  It is beyond encouraging to see her mothering and her family rally around her with support and love. The youngest sister, Morgan, is a huge help to her and her other 2 sisters support her unconditionally.  Her mother would be busting with pride at her girls right now.
We had dinner every night at Katy and Adam's house.  It was so fun for me to spend time with them and their little girl, Kyrie.  These two were just young and in love when we first met.  Elijah was their ring bearer.  Adam was Autumn's favorite person as a tiny baby.  They are wonderful parents and as usual, completely fun and enjoyable to be around! 
Between Starbucks runs, delicious foods, a quick beach visit, newborn snuggles, and laughs with the sisters and Adam, it was a great trip.  


 

Let's get ready to RAMBLE!!!!!

Thoughts are going a mile a minute...
Could be the large latte I had a bit ago...
Or....
It could be that I bought a ticket to Haiti today!!(Well, I didn't, but my friend Heather did it for me and for her and her husband who will be going too!) YIPPEE!
It's just going to be me this time.  Chad will stay home with work and kids.  Slightly bummed about that, but it's the way it is this time.  So grateful that our first trip was together and he'll know what I mean when I cry and wail and laugh and rejoice about what I'll see and do.
Oh happy day!!

AND!!!  We've made major progress towards securing a building for our CrossFit gym!  Haven't blogged about all that business yet, but it's in the works!  Big things, people, big things.

And!! My sweet friend/sister from another mister, Caroline, is in labor RIGHT NOW!  Baby Easton will be making his arrival soon.

And!! I've been following some superstar bloggers this past week as they visited Haiti with Help One Now, an awesome organization bent on serving Haiti from the ground.  Check them out at www.helponenow.org Amazing group of people!

And! That's all. 

Photo dump

I could write a whole post about each of these pics, but I want to catch up a bit!

Summertime at my parent often involves bonfires..

Hot guy working out...

Relaxing on the front yard swing...

and snuggles with Uncle Sethy.

Lots of trips back and forth across the park to the Y.


















School days!  Elijah at his new "big" middle school and Cory working hard at home!  No picture of Autumn at Lincoln yet.



The ocean flying home from Haiti...makes me a little teary.


Football in full force for Elijah.  He won this MASSIVE trophy for blocking...makes me giggle :)

Our coffee shop friend, Mr. Groves.
 Dillon Nature Center in Hutch. SUPER AWESOME for the boys!


















State Fair for the day!

What our cart looks like after going through Aldi.










 

Dirt

An excessively dry summer plus not enough dirt around the house anyway meant a whole dump truck of dirt was needed to go around the house!

 

Caleb, of course, LOVES IT!  I will be hard pressed to find something for the boys to do after it's all spread out.

My People

I think everyone has their people. 
You know, the ones you'd drop everything and run to if they so much as hinted that they needed you.
I can look back through life and even see now that there are just some people that are MY people.  I don't know if I'm their person, but that's not really the point.
The point is that when push comes to shove and they need you, you go.I may not talk to them for months or sometimes even years, but I would literally go to the ends of the earth if they said they needed me.
I got a message today from one of my people.  She's like a little sister to me.  She's having a baby in a few weeks.  She and her sisters are my people.  Their mother passed away 2 years ago and I have a deep, deep place for them in my heart.
She kinda mentioned that she would really like it if I could maybe come out sometime kinda around when she has her baby.   
I've been thinking about it for weeks.  Sometimes we just need a little nudge from our people to set the wheels in motion. 
So I'm going to Virginia.  Cause my people asked me and because I SO desperately want to be there for this girl when she has her first baby.  Last time I saw these beautiful girls was their mother's funeral.  This may be just as difficult.  And I can't wait to see their beautiful faces!

The daily grind.

That's probably the name of a coffee shop. 
I know I've seen it.
This is the time of year that days run together.
And so because I love bullet points and I have nothing of real substance to write about here are some bullet point thoughts for you.
Lucky, lucky you.

*We bought a grill a month back.  First grill we've ever had.  Nothing fancy.  12+ years without a grill.  How?  How, I say, did we make it without a grill??  I do not know.  Burgers, pork chops, chicken, veggies.  Grilled to amateur perfection.

* I miss Haiti.  Like pain in my heart kind of miss.  Like bring me to tears if you catch me at the right time kind of miss.

*February is the next scheduled trip to Haiti. I am having the great debate.  Go or send the money?  I'm sure $1000 would go so much further then my manual labor.  But, UGH, I miss these people. See previous bullet point.

*Caleb had the line of the week on Friday.  I will not do it justice in writing.  Upon coming back from grocery shopping I told him to go help unload the car.  (Hand on hip, other hand on the couch, leaning, deep sigh...) "I'm thinking about it!  Mom, I always tink about ebery-ting."  Long pause.  Deep sigh... "OK!!  I'll do it!"--with a big smile.  Well, thank you for that thoughtful gesture.  Geez.

*I have a problem. I kill things.  Green, beautiful, lovely things.  I deeply admire covet the lawns around town with their shrubs and bushes and flowers.  I understand the logistics of growing things.  Water, sunshine, pruning.  I just suck at it.  Meaning I forget or don't transplant things properly or forget.  I think I would have a nice lawn in say, Arizona, where it's all concrete and rocks.

*I've been cooking quite a bit lately.  A few observations: I do like to cook.  I do not like cleaning up.  At all!!  I hate it.  The disdain I have for doing dishes FAR outweighs my desire to cook. I have to just push through sometimes.  I'm trying.  It won't last.

And there you go.  Happy Monday!

32

I am loving the 30s.  Truly.  I wonder if this shifts the closer I get to 40???  Don't tell me if it tanks as the number ticks up.

The 20s were no joke.  Major life happened in my 20s.  Marriage (technically that was the teens), all my children (so far), big moves, major life changing months of single parenting, death of my brother, friendships gained and lost, identity struggles, financial struggles.  The list is endless. I didn't know if I would make it out of my 20s whole. 

Well, obviously, I did, but not without a few scars. 
Much has changed in these past few years of my new decade.  Not much outwardly, but I feel it in my soul.  A solidarity with who and whose I am.  A peace.  A calm.  An understanding.  I cannot explain it fully, but I like it. 
I don't feel rattled by the everyday or the unknown.
I don't feel driven by some arbitrary set of ideals.  I don't feel bullied by what the world thinks I need to know or believe or aspire to. 
I am happy with my life.  Not because it is perfect or easy or simple, but because it is none of those thing.  It is made up of all the things I have chosen, worked for, cried over, and prayed about.  Many times, I wondered if I'd chosen correctly, or if some things were worth the work.

If I could, I'd go back and hug my 20 something self and tell her to just keep holding on...the fog lifts, the heart settles, the babies grow.  The "old" life I had so young rapidly becomes today.  A young me with "old" kids, a miraculously good marriage, solid friendships and family relationships and I'd tell her to choose it all again.

Football

It rained today.  And the temp dropped 10+ degrees.  It was GLORIOUS!  My windows are open.  The air is cool and I'm barely restraining myself from pulling on a sweater even though it's not quite sweater weather. 
I love fall.  I love summer too, but fall...It's so comfy and cozy and cool and wonderful.
And every fall for the past 8 years, it's included football.   Our lives from August through November have revolved around football.  This year there is football, but we will only be spectators to Elijah's games.  No coaching responsibilities, no afternoons at the field, no running around the athletic center waiting for dad to get done, no Saturdays spent entirely invested in a team and a staff.
I miss it.  Some of the time.  I miss the excitement of gearing up for a game.  I miss knowing the players and cheering them on.  I miss being a part of a team. 
I do not miss the long hours.  I do not miss navigating weeks on end without a partner. 
We're having a few of the players over for dinner tonight.  I'm SO glad we can still do that!  These guys mean alot to Chad and I'm glad he's keeping that connection.  We'll go to a few games, I'm sure.  We'll keep tabs on some of the guys.
It's not the same, but it will do.
 

Answers. Just not the ones we wanted.

Well, after many, many phone calls, emails and conversations with a variety of people we have come to the conclusion that we have to wait to start the adoption process for our Haiti babies.
I've learned more about Haiti adoptions in the past weeks then I thought I could without actually adopting. 
Here's the details: Haiti recently ratified the Hague Convention which means they will at some point implement certain requirements about how the US and Haiti process adoptions.  This means that any agency that wants to process Haitian adoptions has to submit paperwork for the Haitian government and then the government will decide which agencies will be allowed to do adoptions.  So, many agencies have submitted that paperwork but are not sure if they will be allowed to do Haitian adoptions once they implement the Hague regulations.

Second strike against us for now is that we're not 35.  There is rumor that that requirement will be changed along with the new Hague regulations, but no one knows for sure.
We could get a presidential waiver for this and our 4 children, but that adds a lot of time to the process and if one of us isn't 35, our dossier sits and gets outdated.
And finally, the nail in the coffin...the orphanage that we would like to adopt from is, as far as we know, not licensed to do adoptions.  Apparently, all orphanages must be accredited to operate as an orphanage.  In order to process adoptions though, they must be licensed and by definition are now called a creche.

So there you have it.  3 strikes.  Honestly, I'm ok.  I've spent the past few weeks just trying to get a definite answer so I'm happy to actually have that info so we can move on to fully focusing on raising money for the orphanage and possibly helping Josie get licensed! 
I still think we will adopt at some point, but it appears that may be farther down the road then we thought. 

Is anyone tired of hearing about Haiti??

That's a rhetorical question cause I'm not done talking about it.  So move along if you're kinda "over" me talking about Haiti. :-)
We gave our first talk/slideshow about our trip and House of Love and Hope Orphanage yesterday.  I did not pass out, stutter or make TOO many stupid jokes.  Chad spoke quite a bit which was not surprising to me, but may have surprised a few people.  We did not talk over each other or interrupt each other mid-sentence.  Which is a feat all it's own.

We would love the opportunity to do this again and again...and again to whomever will listen!  If you know of a group or organization that would be interested, let me know! We would even travel some if it meant a few more people would commit to this orphanage!
*************************************************
In other news, I managed to do nearly nothing today.  Chad is on nights this week so he was home all day.
This was our agenda:
Let the kids watch movies and play on the computer til about 1 so we could be ultra lazy. 
Went to Dillons for essentials...donuts, milk, yogurt, fruit.
Read books.
Told the kids they coudn't watch any more TV or play on the computer cause I did not want their brains to stop functioning on a human level. 
Listened to them fight most of the day because they were re-learning how to deal with other human beings. 
Told Caleb 14 times in the span of 5 minutes that he could not play Angry Birds on my phone.
Finally let him play Angry Birds til my phone died.
Played a tortuous game of Spades in which Elijah and I forfeited because we had played for an hour and were -280 with no hope in sight.
Chad worked out and helped the kids through a CF Kids workout.  I took a power nap.
And now it's 530 and I should think about some type of food to feed the crazies, but I'm kinda spazing out cause I just entered the kids' activity schedules for the month and I think I'm breaking out in hives. 
My one activity rule is quickly going by the wayside.  Mostly because I don't want to count piano lessons as an activity.  That would be first thing Autumn and Cory would give up and I don't want them to so it's a freebie for now. 
Then Autumn insists she will be fine doing dance and gymnastics.  I'm sure she will be.  My head might start spinning.
Then Cory is playing soccer and he REALLY wanted to try gymnastics so we're gonna give that a go.  We know he loves soccer, but the older I get the more I wish I had learned some gymnastics skills when I was young.
So that's 3 activities for each of them.  Yeah, I know.  I'l see you sometime next summer.
Elijah is still good with just football and Caleb is the lucky winner of being dragged to all this madness.
Happy Fall Sports, friends!

And this is why I call it ramblings...

1. Had the best day yesterday.  I spent the day in a children's hospital with 2 friends and a little boy trying to get answers to a multitude of questions.  Really, it was a great day.  There is something entirely encouraging, invigorating, and fulfilling (and exhausting) to walk with friends down tough roads. I love it.
2. There is sometimes no rhyme or reason why kids turn out a certain way or act a certain way or eat a certain way.  They are baffling.  And parenting is hard.  And awesome.
3.  My list of agencies to call is dwindling.  That makes me nervous cause we're about out of options for the time being. 
4. I am beyond excited to tell anyone who wants to hear on Sunday afternoon about our trip to Haiti.  Beyond!
5. My 4 year old baby is really dirty.  I don't remember the last time I bathed him.  Please don't call SRS on me.  He's really fine.  Just dirty.
6. It has been 8 years since we had an August roll around and NOT be knee deep in football.  I have not even thought about that until a friend asked yesterday.  I know we'll go to a few games this year, but I can't decide if I miss it??  I think I do, but then I realize I haven't thought about it so do I really??
7. School has been going great.  Autumn loves her school, Elijah is doing great at middle school, Cory is moving along homeschooling and Caleb is still alive.  We're all good on that front.

My mind is sufficiently unloaded.  Thank you.

The great unknown and doubt...

As much as I would like to think that we know what we are getting ourselves into with adopting from Haiti, I would be beyond naive to believe that.
It is an endless list of unknowns.  As I'm calling through a large list of agencies and attorneys and scouring the internet for any and all information, I wonder how this is going to work out.  And I wonder if it will...
What if it doesn't?  What if it does?  Why can't it be simplier?  Most agencies are not taking new applications for Haiti because they recently ratified the Hague Convention treaty and everyone is unsure if that will be a good or bad thing for all the orphans.  It would seemingly be a good thing, but it's a big unknown.  Hague accredited agencies only want to use Hague accredited home study services.  Attorneys often don't deal with Hague countries because of the regulations and particulars.  It's complicated.
We're hitting alot of dead ends. 

In a nutshell...

It is not possible. 
There is no "nutshell" for Haiti.
I could (and may) write about our time there for weeks.  Each day was packed full of sites and sounds and people and relationships.
We met incredible people working hard to provide for their families and their neighbors and their communities. 
I am so very tired.  And thirsty.  All the time.
Our children thrived here with my mom and grandma.  She is a rockstar. 
We have started relationships that we hope will last a lifetime.  We have a place that will now always be in our thoughts and prayers and budgets. 
I can't wait to go back.