Well that changes things,

but not really.
There are few things I have anticipated more these past few years than finding out we can start the adoption process and maybe, just maybe adopt from House of Love and Hope.  
We could have started it years ago, but we want to adopt from there.  Or at least have a shot at adopting from there.  All along we knew we may not be able to, but we wanted to wait until they were licensed to start so we had a chance.  
At the time, we understood the laws to be that we would have to have Josie work with a US agency and then we would apply through that agency and request HOLH.  So we waited for that process of licensing to work itself out in Haiti.  We helped where we could, but it was all on them to get that done.  And she did it! In December we heard they had their license and I could start looking for an agency to work with them.
I looked through the approved adoption providers and emailed a few last week.  I heard back from two and a few days ago talked to a wonderfully, kind woman, Meredith.  She informed us that, in fact, agencies and orphanages are no longer allowed to work together.  The Haitian adoption department makes matches from the entire pool of adoptable orphans when dossier come in.
Essentially, we could apply TODAY and begin the process.  
Good news! Right??
Yes, but with it comes an avalanche of fear and questions.  We have children we would like to adopt.  We know we can't choose them.  We know the Haitian government makes matches and we now know that agencies and orphanages don't even work together. We know that we may very well get matched with children that are not from HOLH.  
The way it is now is that because we want siblings and older siblings at that, we can request specific children, but we don't know if they will honor that request or not.  
So many questions.
What if they match us with other siblings?  Do we go with that match?  What if the children from HOLH get adopted to someone else in the process?  What if... What if...What if...
I have had an amazing sense of peace throughout these past years. I haven't felt like we needed to rush or panic or anything.  I want to have that peace throughout, but it is hard to hold right now.  
So I'm heading to Haiti, by God's grace, on Tuesday and I will visit with Josie.  When I get back, Chad and I will apply to an agency and "officially" start this process.  We're going to continue hanging on to trust and hope that God has this already planned out for us. Some times I'm sure with every fiber of our being.  

Daunting

As I prepare for this, my fourth trip, to Haiti, the preparation looks much like it has on the other trips.  Piles of donations on my bar, many questions and conversations about what we'll be doing, where we'll be going, a constant see-saw of thoughts from here to there and back to here, a mental battle to stay present here until I leave.

Some things look different though.  
This time, I'm packing up nebulizers and meds for a little girl we care deeply for.  
That feels big.  
This time, I'm emailing agencies trying to get information together before we go for Josie on how to go about contracting with a US agency.  Emails are going out with whispered prayers to a few agencies and then I'm waiting.  Will they say no, they aren't working with new orphanages?  Will they say, yes, we'd love to talk with her?  Will they reply?  I'm just sending out a few to start to ones that have open applications to Haiti right now.  I'll get emails sent to all the approved agencies later this week.  I don't even know why I'm going about it this way. 
I'm scared.  Scared they'll all say no.  Then what?  
Scared that they'll say yes and then the real stuff starts.  As I'm looking through agency sites, I'll look at their fees.  
Daunting.
$22,000
$34,000
$37,000
All totals I've seen.  
That scares me.  I don't know how that part of this is suppose to work out.  I really don't.  All I can do is trust that it will.  But that trust is loaded and scary and filled with doubt.  Those numbers scream at me. Unreasonable.  Impossible.  And I can't argue with that.  It does seem impossible.  No doubt.
And, yet, I can't stop believing that at some point, we'll be on the other side of an adoption.  We haven't felt a "stopping" point yet. We're still going to plug along believing this is all going to work out one way or another.

To resolve or not to resolve...

It's no secret that I'm not a fan of New Years resolutions.  Mostly because I'm not a goal oriented person and as much as I like the idea of becoming a more aware, healthy, present individual, a once a year, "I'm gonna do it this time" mentality sucks the life out of me quick.  Cause I think, "Really? If I wanted to do something badly enough I would just do it without a NY resolution to drive me." Mostly, it's because I'm kinda super  lazy when it comes to sticking with things.
BUT...there is always a but, right?  We're too complicated and intricate as humans to have any real hard and fast rules about ourselves, am I right?  
I made a kind of resolution.  Maybe it's more of a challenge.  A "I wonder if I could do it" challenge.  
I wonder if I could go a full year and not buy any clothes for myself.  And I wonder if I could go a full year and not add anything to my house(furniture, accessories, decor).
I've been thinking this past month of all the things we have, materialistically.  It's quite a bit.  
I literally do not need a single article of clothing or a single piece of furniture/decoration/home remodel/painting project, etc.  
I SAY I'm not materialistic, but I am.  I like being able to buy a shirt when I want to just cause I think it's pretty.  I like buying throw pillows cause I think they'll add some color to the living room.  Although I like my decor pretty simple and clutter free, I like pretty things.  I want a rug for our living room and bar stools and I want to redo our bedroom and repaint our kitchen cabinets.  I want to buy a new dress and some cute shoes.  
So I wonder if I could go the whole year and say no to that impulse every time.  We don't always have the extra money to buy those things, but we do often enough for me to not be in need of a single, stinkin' thing.  So we're doing alright, I guess.
I'm giving it a go.  So far two weeks in, I feel like its no problem.  It's winter and nothing about winter makes me want to buy anything or dress in anything cute.  
Now spring and summer may be a different story.  Warm weather makes me happy and when I'm happy I want to do house projects and buy cute summer clothes.  So we'll see.  Mostly I just want to do it to save some money (another post on that later!) and see if I can get by with what I have(I am certain I can, but I won't want to!)  And maybe there in lies the lesson.  I can absolutely go a whole year without another article of clothing or thing in my house, but I won't want to.  So maybe this is more about being a little uncomfortable and saying no to some things that don't really matter so maybe I can say yes to some bigger more valuable things.  
I don't know.  
We'll see how it all plays out! 

Have I got a story for you.

There are many, many things I want in this life and I have been gifted with many, many of those wants.  Some things seem to be put on hold indefinitely only to then be wrapped up and delivered in a package too perfect to wonder if it's from God.   

I wanted to go to Haiti in February.  So badly.  It was with our friends, Kim and Keith and Heather and Seth and others I had met on a previous trip and others I hadn't met yet.  Last summer/fall when they were planning the Feb. 2015 trip, I decided to back out. It just didn't feel like a good time to go when we really felt like we would be in the adoption process sometime in 2015.  We could use the money for other things.  
I let it go.  Mostly.
Trusted that we would be going to this little country we love so much again soon.  Just not in February.  
I would have to wait longer to see these faces.

Or see this stunning landscape 

Then a chain of events followed that one could easily pass off as coincidence or unrelated, but I can't look at these pieces and not see God's hand and hear His voice saying, "Go. For others sake, for My sake, and for you."   
Link 1. The chain starts in Oct. when my grandma passed away.  Would Haiti have even been our radar without her?  I don't know, but I can't imagine it would have to the degree it is now.  If we are fortunate enough to adopt children from Haiti, it will be my greatest sorrow that she will never get to meet her Haitian grandchildren.  To see what she and my grandpa started in our family.  Soon after her funeral, my parents came to visit and brought some money from her and said we could use it for adoption expenses or whatever.  We set it aside with hope that it could be used sooner rather than later.  I secretly hoped I could use it for a ticket to go in February, but didn't say anything to Chad or anyone because I knew we would need it for adoption at some point and I didn't "NEED" to go.
Link 2. Turns out we needed it sooner, but not in the way we wanted. Our gym affiliation fees and insurance are due each year in Nov/Dec/Jan. Big expenses and with Christmas too, we ended up using that money from my grandma.  I knew we would be able to put it back in savings later, but I still silently felt like I was losing my only chance for the February trip.  
Link 3. December 15, I got an email from Kim out of the blue.  She was going through the team list for February. She knew it was late to get in on the team.  She knew money was tight.  She knew it would be tough to work out.  But she wrote anyway to say she was thinking about me and she really wanted this to work out for me. At the time, I knew it wasn't possible.  I told her I'd pray about it and talk to Chad, but it would be a miracle if it worked out.
Link 4. The week before Christmas we got our first ice/snow storm and it came on later in the evening on a Wednesday.  Autumn and Cory go to youth club at our church on Wednesdays in a town about 30 minutes away.  Chad went to get them that night.  On their way home, he slid on a bridge, hit a guardrail, did a 360 and hit the other guardrail.  Scary for everyone! Thankfully, no one was hurt badly.  The kids both had some whiplash and Chad hit his shoulder on the window pretty hard.  The truck was drivable, but pretty beat up.  He got it home and the next days we waited on an estimate and on whether our insurance would total it our not.  If they didn't, we'd have to pay the $1000 deductible.  If they totaled it, we just hoped they gave us enough to pay it off.
Link 5. We found out they were going to total the truck AND we would get more than we owed on it.  More than what a flight to Haiti costs. At this point, I hadn't told Chad that Kim had emailed. I hadn't told him how much I had been thinking about this trip in February.  I held those thoughts and prayers close.  I knew I didn't "need" to go. I knew that extra money was much needed other places.  I knew it didn't make sense.  But I also knew every chance I get to spend time with our "maybe forever" kids, was priceless.  I knew if I didn't go, our new church family wouldn't know about our Haiti love, or our desire to adopt.  I knew if I didn't go, I wouldn't get asked to speak to people about Haiti and the mission society and Josie and Thomas and all that they do.  
Link 6. So I asked Chad about it.  I might have begged a little.  I knew in his logical mind, this was not logical.  I knew in my illogical mind, that I didn't care if it was logical.  When I told him about the speaking opportunities I felt like I was losing, he agreed.  That made sense to him.  It's not that he didn't want me to go, he does. He knows the value of these trips having been twice himself.  He knows how I ache for this place.  He knows me. So, I started telling people I was going.
Link 7. My friend Alana who had wanted to go originally too, but had backed out as well for medical reasons, said well, maybe she COULD go after all.   She told her mom and her husband and they both encouraged her to go.  Her mom who is as kind as they come offered her flight miles.  She apparently accumulates them faster than she can use them.  She had enough for Alana's entire flight and I was able to save about $100 using them.  
Link 8. Random Friday in January and I get a text from my friend Cassie.  She was driving and just started thinking about the Haiti kids and how much she wanted to be able to go someday.  I hadn't told her we were going to Haiti in Feb, but said "How about going with us THIS time??"  A total miracle if she could raise the money for this trip when it was less than a month away.  Just a few short days later, it was a go.  She had enormous support from her family and friends and church AND Alana's mom donated more miles so Cassie's flight was only about half what it would have been.  
Link 9.  I email Josie and tell her I'm going to visit.  She emails back with a favor.  Amessaminthe has asthma.  We didn't know this. She has had to go to the hospital for an attack which is no small feat there.  A breathing machine is what Josie asked for and I don't have experience with asthma so I ask Jamie what that means.  A nebulizer is needed, but is no good without the drugs used with it. It's a shot in the dark because those are prescription meds here.  So I take to the great stage of Facebook and ask for a nebulizer.  I get them and then some.  My friend Kelsey hands me a neb and some meds a few days later.  Kim Slygh whom I met in Haiti two years ago, "happens" to be a respiratory nurse.  She is putting together a box of everything she can so that Minthe will have what she needs. This is our "maybe forever" daughter.  I can't be her mother yet and I don't know if I ever will be given that chance, but to be able to carry with me the things she needs to breath easier is the most amazing gift I could have at this point.  
These links, these pieces of a puzzle, all connect to make for a really beautiful story, am I right??
So, social media comes into play and we tell people we're going and what things we would like to take with us and we set up a fundraiser row-a-thon to offset some of the other expenses and people give.  E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E this happens.  I am always amazed at the generosity that people display for a place they have no connection to except through us.  Haiti is all wrapped up and around my heart, but for all these other people who give, they give out of such a place of genuine kindness.  And it leaves me overwhelmed and humbled and often on the brink of tears.  

And so I'm going to Haiti in February.  And I get to have 2 friends go with me.  And I get to spend a night or two at House of Love and Hope with our "maybe forever" kids.  And I get to hand Josie equipment and medicine to offer some relief for Minthe.  
It's a chain of events that can't help but make me think that God hears my quiet prayers and my silent dreams and gives me my wants far beyond what I could imagine.

Bullet Points...

The past few months in pictures!

Somehow over the years, this baby girl...

 Turned into this beautiful girl.

She is everything a momma could hope for in a daughter.  Thoughtful and responsible.  Kind and generous. 

Patient and sweet.  

Jackpot.

 

Her very best friends threw her a Hunger Games themed birthday party!  

 *Halloween came and went quickly.  The older the kids get, the less stressful this becomes.  We had a Ninja, Batman, and Katniss this year. 

Oh and Michael Jordan, of course...

My Mom and Dad came for Grandparents Day at Elyria for Caleb.  It was so, so special! 

 They are really just the best.

Our second annual MacTown Throwdown proved to be much bigger than we anticipated.  

75 athletes from 3 states.  It was an awesome problem to figure out.

We freshened up the gym a bit.

Friends came to the rescue in many different ways.

This guy made the whole thing run like a well oiled machine.  It was logistically insane because we didn't really have enough equipment to accommodate that many athletes.  We had other gyms help us out and Chad had it all figured out.  It was impressive to say the least.

*Thanksgiving was awesome, as usual.  Grace and Seth came again this year which makes it super special cause they are so stinkin' fun!
Autumn made CHEESECAKES!!  

 My sister is so pretty.

 Family!

My brother is really pretty too ;-) 

And finally, these are hanging in my kitchen now.  They were my grandma's from Haiti and I adore them.  They make me smile.

I think I'm caught up.  Kinda.  In pictures, at least.  In thoughts? I may never be caught up there :)

Pause

It seems after something tragic, my brain shuts down a bit and it's hard to put together thoughts in a "bloggish" fashion.
We're busy.  It's the holidays.  I have a million thoughts in a day that could be shared and no time or energy to share them.  Things have happened in our lives(competition at the gym, first middle school games, birthday for the girl, etc), in the world (Ferguson, ebola) and I have thoughts on all of them that I would like to put in my little journal here, but it's too much to keep up with.  I feel a bullet point post coming on ;-)
I haven't been sleeping well and I have 2 canker sores which is a sure sign that I'm stressed.  Money is super non-existent after paying out our annual affiliation fee and insurance at the gym. Holiday shopping is looming and this next week is full.  End of semester assignments and tests that aren't getting done, basketball games, and Christmas concerts.  That beautiful thing called margin

And then today, when I had big plans to put a big dent in my homework, this...

Sick baby.  

The rest of life shut down and I remember why I'm here. 

 Sometimes I need the reminder.  Wish it didn't have to come in the form of a vomiting child.  

Passing through

I'm not sure I can catch up sufficiently from the past 2 weeks, but I feel like I need to try.  My last post was pre-funeral and so much has happened since then.  Something about grief and insane amounts of busyness makes a girl not want to blog.
My grandma passed away on Oct. 21.  Autumn's birthday.  I was so terribly sad that night and the fact that it was on her birthday made me all the more introspective as we celebrated life in the midst of news about death.   A reminder that we are just passing through this world.
There is a big empty space in our family now.  I know we all feel it in varying degrees.  Marge had a special place in many, many people's lives and we're all dealing with it in our own way.  
Mostly I'm just thankful.  Thankful that I had a special, awesome relationship with her.  Grateful that she was able to be here for so much of my "big" things in life.  Thankful she left little pieces of who she was in letters over the years, in thoughtful gifts and in conversations that I will not soon forget.  So thankful she and Grandpa fell in love with Haiti.  Those few years for her and my Grandpa led to many years of support for the Lutheran church in Haiti, which 2 generations later, led us there.  It's a powerful circle and one we hope will include adoption.  She left a legacy of faith and kindness and laughter and there is not much more you can ask for in life.  

The beautiful thing about funerals is how they can bring people together.  My siblings are rarely all together, but everyone made the time and put down the money to get there. Due to travel and schedules her funeral wasn't until the following Monday, Oct. 27. 

The service was nice.  The committal was a bit more tough for everyone, I think.  She is buried close to Grandpa and Luke.  I know being right there was difficult for some, myself included.  Memories flooded.
We managed to get a few pictures together back at the house.

I always miss Luke in these circumstances.

We're a force. 

And moderately good looking.  

Some would say very good looking :-)

Add in a few in-laws and the awesome factor takes a leap.  

I'm partial, I suppose, but my siblings have married very well. 

 The thing about family is, we seem to have the same language regardless of time or age.

I have hilarious brothers and sisters.  Where 2 or 3 are joined together...there is laughing and joking.  

We can be sad and serious and hold each other up.

And we can laugh even in the midst of sadness.
I find it to be an essential trait.

Holding on

I've sat down to write this post a few times and I walk away. Sometimes I walk away because I don't have the right words. Sometimes I walk away because I can't see the screen through the tears.  
My Grandma Dahlke took a terrible fall. Down a flight of stairs. It was traumatic, to say the least.  She is banged up, to say the least. The decision was made to put her on hospice care. She is 94 and not in a condition that would warrant surgeries or additional interventions.  
Behind the facts of the situation is a sadness that is so deep.  I can't really describe the loss.  I don't know that any words can really express the breadth of influence she has had on me, personally. It is too far and too deep.  I love her dearly and I know she loves me because she has said it over and and over and shown it in a million different ways over my life.  She is a constant presence, my cheerleader, the best story teller, and wise. Oh so wise.  Nothing has been off the table to talk about and you don't go 94 years without learning a few things.

I spent last weekend at home with her and some other family members.  As she laid in her bed in the living room, she reached for hands to hold.  Her hands fascinated me.  They have done so much over 94 years.  I thought about all the times they cared for me.  The times she took my hands in hers to reassure me, to grab me and hug me, to help me.  And as she grabbed onto each persons' hand as they sat with her, I needed to preserve those hands.  

My mom, mine and Autumn's hands.

My Grandma Koller.

My dad's huge hand holding on to his momma.

My mom, who has cared for her for so many years, caring still.

Dan

Karen

Me.

Gabe

Seth

Grace.

Cory Luke

Autumn

Liz

We are all having a hard time with the thought of her not being with us anymore.  When someone is so deeply woven into the fabric of your years, those threads don't want to let go.  

I don't want to let her go.  

The best kind of strong.

I was talking with my little sister the other day and we were talking about how hard it is to really share what has caused us pain either in our past or currently.  She is part of a really awesome church and has an awesome small group she is getting to know.  Part of having a group of people you trust and care for is really knowing each other, which often means letting them in on our life experiences. The life experiences that hurt us and inevitably shaped us.
It's just hard, we said.  Hard to trust people with those feelings. My rockstar sister is the "I'm good" girl.  She makes me look like a pansy.  She will carry on and mosey from day to day without letting on that she may be wrecked inside.  No one will know she is weighed down with this or that.  She feels guilty letting people in on her pain.  She doesn't want to bother anyone.  Some would say she is strong and she is, but learning to trust takes a whole other level of strong.
As a child, she was labeled as dramatic, and for years, was not able to shake that.  She believed she was, but in reality, and what we can see now, is her feelings outweighed her ability to manage them. Which, shockingly, is normal.  She still struggles with that label though and rather than share real, valuable emotions and feelings, it seems safer to keep those to herself.  
I think we all do that to some degree.  Not everyone gets let in and I think that's ok, but guilt that we don't want others to be bothered with it isn't the thing that should be holding us back from sharing.  She is learning to let go of that label now.  And it's beautiful to watch.   Being dramatic invokes thoughts of acting or stages or pretend emotions.  Nothing about this is pretend.  She and I, both, FEEL.  ALOT. We can't undo that part of ourselves, but learning how to manage those and share those are a struggle and a necessity.  I'm so proud of her.  Being ten years apart did not give us a childhood together, but I can say that having her as a friend as an adult is such a gift.  She is the best kind of strong.

My heart hurts

I knew it was going to happen at some point.  He'd realize what going away for high school really meant.  

This boy who is on the edge of becoming a man has a depth that makes me proud and makes me hurt.  He thinks and feels and processes so much.  It is painfully familiar.
He knocked on our door last night after 10 and had a nervous, shifty presence.  He said, "There is something that has been bothering me.  Is going to St. Paul my choice?"

It is. 

And it isn't.

And "Why do you ask?  What's up?"

What we talked about  next was heartbreaking to me and clearly weighed heavily on him, my first baby.  

I wonder if we messed something up along the way.  If we didn't encourage his friendships enough over the years.  If we sent the message that his friendships here won't last if he goes away for high school.  If we unknowingly made him think it wasn't worth the effort to make friends here.  I think we failed him somewhere.

He said he read a book awhile back.  I remember him reading it.  I thought I would probably like it too.  It was about a boy who was a star football player and found out he had cancer in his leg and had to have it amputated below the knee.  This boy had just two friends who stayed with him through it all and remained his friends after. He said he started thinking about his friends after reading it. Started wondering if he didn't play football or basketball, who would his friends be?  Which of the kids he now calls friends would still want to be his friend?  He realized it's may not be many.  He is getting attention at school these days for his play on the football field.  He is struggling with his identity.  He said he worked so hard last year to become a better basketball player because he saw how the kids who were good stuck together. He wanted a crowd to stick with.  He wanted an in.                                                           

It never occurred to me last year that all those hours at the Y, were because he wanted a friend.  And now that he feels like he has friends, for maybe the first time in years, he is scared to leave them. That they will stop being his friends, if he goes away.
And I couldn't promise him that they wouldn't.  Big tears from my man-child.  He hurts thinking about losing friends he feels like he put so much time into acquiring.  I hurt thinking about all the time he spent thinking being a better athlete would equal having better friends.

Identity is tricky at any age, but middle school, especially.  He's struggling coming to terms with the fact that he is more than a boy with a ball, yet that is how he has defined himself and how many others have seemingly defined him or valued him.  He feels an enormous amount of pressure to do well on the field and the court. For him, his friendships depend on it.

We talked a long time about friendships.  The variety, the quality, the value in friends who see beyond your surface.  We talked about this town and it's people who are born and raised and how hard that is sometimes to never quite fit.  To recognize that even though he gets to go to St. Paul next year, the friendships that are of value here will remain and the friendships he forges there will be solid and long-lasting.  We talked about how to maintain those friendships through the changes that will come.  We talked about identity and what that means at this age and any age.  

He has a deep need to connect with people.  He is a deep thinker, a philosophical processor.  We reminded him again and again that his value does not lie in what he does.  All the qualities he possesses are valuable. He is a hard-worker. Passionate. Intelligent. Kind. Patient. And for now, the field and the court is where he can express those characteristics, but he is all of those things and more whether he is playing ball or not.  
As much as it hurt to see him struggle, I hugged him tight, and felt so thankful that he is able to share his turmoil with us.  The lessons he's learning now are not easy.  I am still navigating friendships that are at times difficult and complicated.  I wish I could tell him it all gets easier, but it probably won't.  It feels like a big decision to leave home and go away to high school and it is and as much as we want him to be a part of that decision, it's too much pressure for him to have the final say.  So we said, yes, he'll go.  But it's not final.  If it turns out to not be the best place for him, he can come home.  He needs to be able to make connections here that he can hold on to and be confident in.  

I imagine this will not be the last conversation like this as the year goes on.  

Fear factor

Do you remember that show?  
Fear Factor?  
Chad and I use to watch it all the time.  I remember telling him several times, he should go on it.  Basically, they took all the "big" fears that people have-bugs, snakes, water, heights, etc- and in any variety of circumstances made people face those fears for a time. 
It was so interesting to me.  Some people overcame really awful situations.  Others just couldn't go through with whatever it was they were tasked to do.
I don't have many deep, paralyzing fears.  I don't like bugs and snakes, per say, but I'm not afraid of them.  They don't cause me stress.  I don't mind heights too much.  Water, may be the one thing that gets me.  Treading water? Fine.  Going underwater for any length of time would do me in.  And I wonder why?  I don't think I ever had anything close to a drowning experience.  I love the ocean and pools and lakes.  But, being under the water makes me freak out a bit.
Those tangible fears we have are so real to the people who possess them.  What about the intangible fears?  Fearing the unknown? Fearing sickness? Or death? Or change?  Or failing?  Or succeeding?
I've mentioned it before, but I had a stretch of time this past year that was debilitating.  Anxiety, which was really fear, took over.  It took weeks to work through that and months to be able to look at it objectively.  What has struck me looking back and I'm so thankful to be looking back with a clear head, is that the fear took over despite any and all head knowledge of what was going on.  I was thankful more than a few times that I had people around me that could hear me and knew me well enough to help me recognize and decipher rational from irrational.  I am not a fearful person and I was becoming unrecognizable even to myself.  
Thankfully, time provides a beautiful sense of perspective.  I've grown much these past months.  I've learned to trust my instincts more.  To give myself and others more grace, because there is just never, ever too much grace.  I've learned to own where we are in our lives more. I've learned that anxiety is real and can be paralyzing.  I've learned to forgive more.  I've learned communicating only works if the person you're talking to hears you.  I've learned to never assume they hear you.  I've learned that I'm married to a man who doesn't want me to hide the dark places of my thoughts from him.  That he can and will sit with me there.  I've learned I have kids who can weather an enormous amount of "crazy mom." I've learned that I have friends. Really good friends who let me be sad or happy or scared without judgment.  And most importantly, I'm still learning that I have a gracious God, who despite a mountain of doubts and questions and fears, seems intent on making His presence known.
I still fear being underwater and I imagine I'll fear the intangible again, but I hope it doesn't hold.  I hope I have this same little army to weather it with me.  And I wonder if I faced the water, if it would be as fearful as I imagine it to be?  

Photo/brain dump

It's fall(ish), guys.  That means things to do and get done and get to and get home from and orchestrate and organize and remember to do and scramble to keep up with kind of days.
This month of September is ok though.  Its busy but steady. No frenzy yet.  October may be a different story.  It's a practice, a hard one, at taking one day at a time. 
And yet, I'm finding these pockets of time to rest.  Not every day, but some days and not for long, but for moments.  I like it.
I've noticed I don't do anything really differently than I did when I had the kids home during the day, it's just quieter when I do them. I still do homework, clean occasionally, workout, run errands.  Do life.  I just don't have anyone tagging along or interrupting.  I don't mind it, really.  It just feels different.  Not bad.  Different.  Every momma of young kids dreams for this day. And it's good, but I wouldn't wish the little days away if I could go back.  As nice as it is to have the quiet, it just reminds me that they'll be gone soon. Like really gone.  Not just gone til 3.
Here's a bit of a run down of September in pictures!

Post-game meal! Elijah is having a pretty awesome season so far.  He's loving playing receiver!

Corky's first season of flag football.  He's quite the little stud.

Autumn playing VB.  It's slow going at this age, but she is having fun and getting better!

Birthday cake by Autumn.  It was BEYOND good.  Like BEYOND.  She is a baker.

Spent my whole birthday with my favorite person.  

First speech.  Starbucks.

High School reunion.  15 years.  Loved catching up with some friends.  Always wish we stayed in better touch...

Luke's memorial tree on campus.  Evidence of the years that have passed.

On any given road trip, Caleb will want my phone to take pictures.  This is usually what happens.

First day of school!

And where we spend the majority of our "free" time.  Such a gift.

And September isn't even over yet!!