Memories

I've thought so much today about this time 8 years ago and I can't help but write it down.
For me. 
To piece together my memories.
A part of me wants to forget, but if I forgot the pain and the loss, I fear I would forget the lessons and the growing.

Some memories are so vividly clear, but some are hazy or are a collection of other peoples' memories.

For me, I can't seperate Luke's death from the 3 months prior to it.  It all runs together into a mess of traveling, babies, sadness, happiness and questions.
After talking with my little sister last night, I realized that some of my memories aren't even accurate.  Or my timeline is off by a few weeks.  It's so intriguing to me what we each remember about that time.  Each one of us where in very different places and circumstances.
Autumn was born Oct. 21, 2002 and Chad was able to stay just 10 days before he had to deploy and catch up with the rest of his Special Warfare team that had already left.  Oct. 31 was in some ways harder then any other.  We stayed at the airport for hours just waiting for him to board.  I couldn't bear to say goodbye any sooner then we absolutely had to.  I vividly remember leaving the airport, walking to the car, putting a 20 month old Elijah and a 10 day old Autumn into the car, getting in the front seat and crying like I had never cried before.  I really had no idea how I was going to make the next 6 months.  If I had known what those months would hold, I may not have let him go at all.
Here is where my timeline is fuzzy.  I thought I went out to Nebraska soon after he left, but it was really not til just after Thanksgiving.  My dad had gone out to Stanford with my younger siblings to be with my mom and Luke who had already been there for a few weeks.  I was going to stay in NE with Grace and Isaac so Dad could stay in CA. 
It felt like I stayed for months, but it was really just weeks.  During that time, Luke went through his transplant surgery.  I spent hours that day getting updates from my dad and relaying the information on to others or answering all the calls from other people wanting to know what was going on.  Those few weeks are mostly a blur of fuzzy memories.
There are bits and pieces that are clear...sending the Red Cross message to Chad that Luke was going into surgery, a specific conversation with my sister, a visit from a dear friend, putting together a Christmas box to send Luke and my parents.  Just bits and pieces though.
I went home to Virginia soon after Christmas.  I could have stayed, but it was hard to be away from home for so long with 2 little ones.  I felt out of place.  My grandma came to stay so I could leave.
Just a short 2 weeks after getting home, I was on my way back for Luke's funeral. 
I remember the night before Luke passed away better then the actual day.  Dad had called everyone to tell us that Luke wasn't doing well and it didn't look like he would make it through the night. 
2 dear friends came to sit with me that night.  I'll never forget their kindness.  When Luke died, the next morning, again my Dad had to call each of us.  I can't imagine the pain and courage that took to say over and over that Luke was gone.
Again, I sent a Red Cross message to Chad.  He called awhile later and said that he was given permission to come back from Greece for the funeral.  I couldn't even begin to tell you how relieved I was, and happy, blissfully happy, which was such a strange emotion to be having at that point.  He had been gone for 2 months and 10 days at that point.  The logistics of getting him and then getting to the funeral were unbelievable.  He flew into Dover, Delaware a few days later so I drove up there from Norfolk, we stayed over night on the Air Force base and then drove to Baltimore to fly into Omaha.  The anticipation and excitement I felt to see him completely overtook the sadness I felt at losing my brother.  I felt guilty for a long time for being so happy then.
We flew in and met some of our family in Omaha and made the trip down to Hebron.   The next few days were just a blur of people, and family and freezing cold weather.  I remember his funeral clearly, but not much else from those few days. 
Then we all left.  Went back to our lives and had to deal with it each in our own way.  Chad flew back out to Greece just a few days after we got home.  That was almost harder then the first time around.
I remember trying to stay very busy those next several months until Chad got home.  It was an enormous growing experience for me.  God had placed people in my life in Virginia that helped ease the pain of losing Luke, of missing Chad, of learning how to be a mom of 2 little ones.  Really amazing people.  It taught me that I could do alot more then I thought I could, that God provides. 
Sometimes I prefer the blurry memories because I can form them to suit me.  The vivid ones just stick and pop up at anytime.  I'm glad my family talks about Luke, that we share our memories.  It's difficult to relive some of those emotions, but so important to remember him and those lessons we learned.  I would take my brother over all the lessons any day, but God had other things in mind.
I hope, as a family, we continue to talk about Luke before he got so sick.  There are so many more memories of Luke, healthy and vibrant.  I want to remember those times most!