I don't know.

I've been reading stuff.  Articles about faith and God and religion have crossed my path a lot lately and I've found it interesting.  I've had some deep conversations over the past month.  The timing is interesting, the topics are interesting.  

We've been on the hunt for a new church.  It's not that our old church is bad or terribly wrong (although, I think, anymore everyone gets something wrong and something right and the doctrine debate has lost some all of it's steam for me.)  I'm far less interested in being "right" and much more intrigued with the process, the growth, the development of my understanding of God.
So it was nice to be at church a few weeks ago and the pastor gave two possible interpretations of a parable.  It wasn't this is it and this is what God meant and now believe it.  It was more like, Jesus had something to say and we're going to try and understand it.  

I had a powerful, albeit, difficult conversation with a long time friend a few months back.  She has decided to challenge the faith she was brought up in.  A bold move as she, like me, is a pastor's child.  She doesn't hold fast to the faith of her childhood anymore. She is not sure what is up and what is down in the world of religion, but she is looking.  She is studying and learning and seeking to know more and understand more about religions, old and new.  I have yet to decide if this is a bad thing or a good thing.
To be completely honest the conversation hit me extremely hard.   She didn't say anything that was overly profound or pose a question that I had not already posed.  What was surprising to me was that she took it all the way.  She didn't just doubt for a second and then push it away.  She let that doubt rise and followed it to the end.  That "God" as she knew him, the Trinity, the God of the Bible, the Savior, may not hold for her anymore.   She just isn't sure if she believes it anymore.  I get it.
I have moments of painful doubt. Powerful "what ifs" that have held more and more intensity as years pass.  You see, we all want answers.  We want to humanize God so that we can understand Him instead of standing in awe of how little we can truly know about Him.  And along those lines, I've maybe become a little suspicious of typical Christian speak.  It kinda makes me cringe.  The way He is used and the idea that God is orchestrating our life so we can do what we want, how we want and isn't it nice that what God wants and what I want are the same things, make me suspicious.  Not of God, but of how God is being used.  We want the definitive "this is God, the end", but the Bible is entirely too nuanced for that.  From the beginning of time and through all eternity, it will be picked apart and "interpreted" and read one way and then another way and people will debate and debate.  I get all confused and turned around and upside down when I have to "argue" for what is "true" Christianity and the weight of it is too much.  I'm tired of trying to be "right." 
I am much more interested in loving right.  In pouring myself into the people in my path. 
And then I read things like this: 
And it made sense to me.
And this:
And I thought, that's it.  Trusting more than believing.  Believing feels too complicated.  Trust feels more authentic. 


Those resonated with me.  And I wonder about this God who people seek and rally Him for their causes and pray to and make requests of and believe in and use to feel better about decisions they make or paths they take.  Is that all He's good for?  What if that's not it. What if, as my friend put it once, the whole point is to be more Christ-like?  That's it. That it quite literally does not matter what we do or where we are. Go. Do your thing, but maybe God doesn't really care what that is cause really it's a time filler. Sure, we all want a purpose cause it makes us feel good, but I wonder how much time is taken up focusing on ourselves and our goals and aspirations and we miss the absolute point and purpose of being HIM to the people in our lives. What if we don't have to "find our purpose" and "have a calling" to do x, y, or z because really our only purpose and calling is this walking with God thing, no matter where we're walking?  I wonder about all this and much more.  Nothing is simple. That I know for sure.  We cannot simplify God to meet our needs.  And I wouldn't want to.  Cause what good would it be to trust in something I totally understand?