Big weekend!

We hit the ground running as soon as we returned from Haiti.  No easing back into life this time around.  With the end of the school year fast approaching, the uptick of activities have started.  
I'm highly anticipating summer time!  Breakfast on the porch, lazy days, afternoons by the pool, and different activities for the kids.  
We had to power through these few weeks first!  And in my typical fashion, when we have a big family event, like Autumn's confirmation, I decide to take on house projects.  Why do I do this?  I do not know.  
Our interior has been in dire need of repainting so I decided that was going to happen before Autumn's confirmation.  It was a ton of work, but I love how it turned out!

 From beige to gray!

Trim went from a white white to a cream and I painted the baseboards the same as the walls.

 Kitchen went from beige to YELLOW!

Painted the piano an icy blueish and didn't like it so repainted it less icy and more turquoise.

Originally painted the bench the color of the kitchen and didn't like it so painted it black!  

LOVE!

And after many years of hand me down furniture, we bought a new sectional for the living room!

With a big confirmation day on Sunday, we also hosted our 2nd annual Raise the Bar for Haiti event on Saturday!  Lots of fun!

 We had PERFECT weather for the event!

Chad explaining the workout.  I was the demo girl for movement standards. :)

Awesome group from Crossfit Old 81 in Newton

Our Pathos people!

Fun bunch from CrossFit McPherson Y!  Love having these guys around!

Great team from CrossFit Calamity in Wichita!

Saturday afternoon and evening were spent prepping for Autumn's big day.  She has worked really hard these past two years and we're so proud of her and her growing faith.  

 So close to a normal picture.  Caleb has sticky tack.  I don't even know.

With Uncle Seth, her godfather.

Isn't my mom beautiful?!?!  I think she just keeps getting more beautiful as the years go by.  

My dad is pretty dapper himself.  It's the beard.  :)

 I LOVE the face she is giving Grandpa!

Dad and Mom Muehler are really just the best.  I am so thankful for such wonderful in laws.  No horror stories here.  They truly are amazing.

Little A not looking so little.

My girl.

Haitian vacation

We have said that's what this trip was a vacation and it's true to a degree. We love being in Haiti.  We always get taken care of so well. We have always had a chance to do something touristy or sightsee or enjoy the culture in some way.  
All of that is true. 
But still there are always things that rock me and make me see a little differently. Always something or multiple somethings that solidify for us why we continue to collect donations and tell whoever will listen about this country and will continue to visit.
A country of contrasts it seems on the surface.  
Stunning mountains

 breathtaking landscapes,

and hidden jewels.

To homes that barely stand.

 To lots and roads filled with trash.

To reminders of an earthquake that devastated so many.

And yet, I wonder. I wonder if my perceptions are accurate.  More often than not, being here makes me see differently.  Think differently.  On our way home from Jacmel, I had such a moment. When we drive through Haiti, people are selling on the sides of the roads everywhere.  I looked at that and thought, they must be so desperate.  In the back of my mind, I assumed they would take whatever offers came their way just to make a gourde.  Because, if you were in poverty, wouldn't you take anything over nothing?

And then perception shifted when Gertrude told Leonard to stop along the way because she wanted to get some produce to take home. We come across two ladies walking into Jacmel from the countryside first.  Gertrude talks with them through the window and buys an entire tub from one lady.  I don't know how much she offered, but it was enough for this woman.

Gertrude stills wants some more so Leonard pulls over and ladies come to the car with various plates and baskets of things.  

A raucous conversation ensues between the ladies, Gertrude and Leonard.  I don't understand anything except an occasional "dollars".  Everyone laughs or smiles and we drive away.  I'm surprised.  This happens again.  Same outcome.  We drive away without anything. I ask Gertrude why?  "I can get it cheaper in the city," she says.
And just like that I realize these venders may not be so desperate. They have a price tag on their wares.  They aren't so desperate to take any offer that comes along and Gertrude didn't have any problem driving away when she knew she could get a better price elsewhere. 
They aren't so different from us.  Don't we do the same? Check for prices, decide if the product is worth the price, go elsewhere if we know we can get a better deal.  And if we place a value on something we own, do we take a penny when we think it's worth a dollar?  Not so different.

I was wrong.  Again.  I love these moments that rock my assumptions, that make me question how I think and why I think the way I do.  Good stuff.

A vacation for sure, but so much more.

Feels like home.

Landing in PAP felt different this time.  Excited still, but less of an adrenaline high.  And that's a good thing because it was more like coming home to familiar faces and places than the sense of the unknown.  Maybe because it's my third trip or maybe it's because it's no longer a foreign country to me.  Maybe it's because I kinda know where we are (sometimes!) when we travel to the guesthouse or Josie's, or church.  Maybe it's because what was once a shock, seems normal.  For whatever reason, it felt like home.
Seeing Leonard leaning against the fence as we walked out of the airport put a smile on my face.  I know I've talked about him before and if you've heard me talk about Haiti, he comes up often. There is a reason.  

He is such a bright light.  He has lived a full life in Haiti and has experienced many trials.  He is so joyful, but he knows sorrow.  He has a story.  His brother died in a motorcycle accident.  His brother in law was murdered.  His church divided.  His community is in constant need of food and clean water and care.  And I am sure countless other battles that I have no knowledge of.
He walks with memories of sadness and pain, but has the quickest smile of anyone I know.  His laughter is always authentic and contagious, even if you didn't understand the joke.  He chats with other drivers while we're in traffic or making a turn or whenever and they ALWAYS, always drive away/walk away smiling.  I always walk away from our time with him so thankful that we get to spend a small part of our lives in his presence.  We get to witness what God's love can truly do through a faithful servant.
Driving from the airport to Gertrude's is so familiar until we get a bit closer.  Road construction!  We noticed this trip, it was everywhere, which is so great!  We spent more time on paved roads than we ever have.  

That's good for the shocks on Leonard's Land Cruiser AND for our backs and necks :)
We spent our first evening chatting with the guests at Gertrude's.  It's always so fun to meet people there because inevitably if you don't know them, you know some of the same people.  We went through and divided up the donations, which is honestly so humbling to do.  I know not everyone will go to Haiti, or fall in love with Haiti, or care about Haiti like we do, but we have so, so many people that give and give and give.   Two orphanages, one school and a hospital received socks, underwear, medicines, hair accessories, shoes and more.  

We had a nice surprise at Gertrude's to have WiFi in the evenings.  Usually they don't have electricity or run the generator during the day, so it wasn't available then, but still so awesome to be able to communicate some with home and share pictures and such.

Our first morning, we had breakfast (OH THE MANGOES!) Seriously, the mangoes.  So good.  Always scrambled eggs, fruit and toast with peanut butter and jam. 

Our drive to Jacmel that morning was beautiful.  Sadly, I got pretty carsick and didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I would have liked :/

We rested once we got to the guesthouse, which was so beautiful and then went with Sydnee, the manager and pastor's wife to a building near a tent city to feed over 100 children.  That deserves a post all it's own.  

Here is what I know.  There are amazing people all over the world doing the hard work of caring for those who are in dire need.  We were able to see a sliver of what they do on a daily and weekly basis.  They are the heroes of these places.  

A heart divided will stand

If I have learned anything from my times in Haiti, it is there is no limit to love.  They love so well.  And I learn how far I still have to go.

We like to put walls around love and limit it's power, because often loving more means hurting more and going more and giving more and listening more and hearing more and seeing more, but "more" freaks us out because we already feel like we're spread so thin.   
I can assure you that loving more does mean all those things and you most certainly want what comes with it all.  
If I can't love, truly love, with the full knowledge that relationships are being forged, I will fail somewhere along the way because I'm really good at that, forgiveness will be needed and God can move mountains and roll stones away and sacrifice everything with love, then what am I doing here?  
I don't want to exist on an Earth where love doesn't win.  And it will only be, if we keep allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to all that comes with truly loving.  To continuing to be open to seeing suffering, both internal and external, to not turning away when it's difficult, to digging in for the long haul, cause that matters, these are the acts of love that change people and places and change me and change you.
My heart has been ripped open by this place and these people.  It hurts so much and heals so much.  Each time I go, my eyes stretch open, my perceptions shift, my understanding grows and I love more.  And not just our friends in Haiti.  I learn so much there that opens my eyes to here too.  You don't have to travel to Haiti to learn to love. The opportunities are in your house or next door or down the street or lying next to you in bed.  
My heart is divided in more ways than one and it holds.  Each time I think it may just be done cause it hurts so much, it divides and holds.  God has given us all an enormous capacity to love and He holds it all together when we think it's impossible.  I wonder if we all tested that capacity what God could do through that?  I plan on continuing to try and fail and try again because what better way to live?

Mighty

My dad serves a congregation a few miles outside the town I grew up in.  It is small but mighty.  The church and the town.  I spoke awhile back on their Mission Sunday and shared a little about Haiti.  I was asked then to speak today for a LWML Spring Rally.  I, of course, said yes, cause I just cannot talk enough about this place and these people.  I will gladly speak to a willing, mission-minded audience!

LWML-Lutheran Women's Missionary League. I spoke today to a group of 50 or so ladies.  These LWML ladies are rockstars in the Lutheran world.  They don't know they are and you wouldn't realize  it by looking at a roomful of them.  Lots of gray hair and slacks and jazzy accessories.  Rockstars. Every one of them.

Their sole purpose is missions, both domestic and international.  They pass out these little cardboard mite boxes and through donations of what is found in the laundry or on the floor after sweeping, or from emptying their coin purses each day, they are able to do mighty things.  It's like the loaves and fish.  It all just multiplies.  
Each fall and spring they get together with other chapters from churches and do a rally.  A speaker comes and they gather items and/or money for whatever cause the speaker is toting.
Today, I was toting Haiti Lutheran Mission Society and more specifically House of Love and Hope Orphanage.  
This wasn't my first time speaking to a LWML group and quite frankly, get me talking about Haiti and I could go on all day, so it all went well. 
What struck me today as I got up to speak is that my 94 year old grandma, my 90 year old grandma, my parents, my mother in law, my little sister and my daughter were all there.  This audience had some ties to me and this place.  My Grandma Dahlke at 94 was able to hear how the young men she and my grandpa knew and loved years and years ago, continue to work to spread the gospel in Haiti.  She heard how her granddaughter now knows and loves these same people.  My parents got to hear how their daughter and son in law hope to add a few more grandchildren to their lives by way of adoption.  People were able to hear how years and years ago, my grandparents started down a path that would eventually lead me here.  To Haiti.  To Josie.  To these children. To adoption, we hope.  To a place that has changed and shaped us in the most incredible ways.  
Simply put, it was a pretty cool moment.
Back to the rockstars of this story.  These ladies brought shoes.  Much needed shoes that we'll get to take to the orphanage.  And the money raised was in Godly proportions.  More than I could have ever hoped or imagined.  Loaves and fish, today.
I sit in awe and with profound humility tonight knowing how much it all means to the 22 children that Josie cares for.  And if I'm honest, I consider at least of few of children mine and so it feels like they are caring for my own, as well.   It gets me more than a little choked up and it makes me feel like I could fly to Port Au Prince without a plane.  God moves in mighty ways.

Checking out.

My third trip to Haiti is slowly, fast approaching.  I recognize this feeling now.  It is no longer foreign.  I can put words to it, experiences to it and emotions to it.
I'm leaving.  It's a slow fade as the time approaches.  I recognized it that first trip, but it happened much closer to our departure time then.  The flights over and back felt like distinct transitions from my world here to my world there.  Now, though, it's happening again, but sooner.  Over 3 weeks left and I'm finding myself there mentally more often.  My heart and mind feel heavy with anticipation and joy and sadness.  As much joy as it brings me to be in Haiti with my friends, it is not without mental acrobats.  
How is it that I live in such grandeur?  And it is just that, grandeur.
I have a roof that doesn't leak(well, just a bit in one corner), TWO vehicles that run, too much food in my fridge,  too many clothes and shoes, electricity, internet access, cable, not to mention health insurance and safety and freedom and security.  You know, grandeur.  
And, how is it that when I'm in Haiti, I feel such a peace like no other. 
Maybe it is because I get to exist in both worlds.  I can choose to leave here or choose to leave there on a whim.  I have the freedom to be where I want to be when I want to be.  It is an aspect of my grand life I cannot ignore.  So many of my friends in Haiti don't get to choose.  They are there.  Always.  
Maybe I would not think it so peaceful if I had no choices.

Insomnia

I love to sleep.  I find it particularly cruel when sleep does not take over at night.  It's not often that insomnia strikes, but when it does there's not much else to do but write through my jumbled mind.
Disclaimer: It's late so this may not make any sense at all. Forgive the ramblings.

My brain will not shut down. It's jumbled with unspoken conversations that may or may not ever happen.  Words that I want to say, but have to weigh first. 
It's bouncing from one thing--making blankets tomorrow for HOLH orphanage to another, completely unrelated--I need to keep looking on craigslist for a sectional cause our sofa has been broken for several months and I'm tired of sitting on it.  
It's rolling from one friend to another friend to my sisters to my mom to my grandmas to our gym people and everywhere in between.  
It's so desperately wishing to be laying down on a lumpy mattress in a guesthouse just outside Cite Soleil, Haiti, fresh from a cold shower after a long, hot day.
It's rattling off eucharisteo...thanks for the good and the bad and easy and the hard.  
It's racing. Looking for answers to all the hard stuff. The whys of people's actions and the hows of handling it all.  The wondering if things will ever be simple and knowing it's rarely as simple as we'd like it to be.  The value of protecting myself from stress and drama, but allowing grace to mold and shape it all. The battle wages on.
It's settling in. Hopeful for sleep to come and the thoughts to be still. It's praying for a fresh start tomorrow(or today, actually).  It's hoping answers come, one way or another.

Who you are and what you do

What is it about identity that can be so complicated? 
Who am I? When asked, I think I often say what I strive to be or what I want others to perceive me to be, but that's not always accurate.  I don't think I can truly be who I desire to be until I recognize who I am right now.  The good things, the bad things, the the mediocre things.
Hopefully, we're all an ever changing landscape on our way to becoming more like Christ.  A little tweek here, a shift in perspective there.
That being said, how does that translate into what I do.  I believe who we are should permeate what we do, but what we do cannot be who we are.  I say should, knowing full well that that is easier said than done.  It takes effort, failures, successes and stumbles. I still stumbling along with this one.
If someone asked me over the years in an effort to find out a little bit about who I am, "what do you do?",  my answer could have been a student, a basketball player, a secretary,  a Mary Kay consultant, a volleyball and basketball coach, a church secretary, a barista and currently a CrossFit coach/athlete.  The problem with that is I am not any of those things.  Those were and are things I do.  Each of those things were or are a large part of my life.  They help me grow and change. They provided me opportunities to interact and engage with all kinds of people.  I enjoyed each one and truly enjoy my current job as a CrossFit coach.  But, the what we do/who we are battle is an important difference and one that cannot be overlooked if we're striving for balance.  It's easy to get wrapped in what we do and let it define us. 
I genuinely loved each one of those opportunities. Occasionally I let myself get so wrapped up in one or another that I have confused it for my identity.  Once that happened, though, it lost it's luster. The job became a job and it no longer held my attention.  I learned more and more at each turn that I am defined by my Creator alone.  We cannot be defined by what we choose to fill our time with.  Let who you are permeate what you do, regardless of what that is.  Be passionate about what you spend your time doing.  Enjoy it. Embrace it.  But always remember it is not who you are.  
I am always striving to remember that I am a child of God first and my words and actions should reflect that(should, but don't often enough for me to wonder why He still wants me on His team). Whatever other circumstance or position I am in is merely that, a circumstance or position.  Who I am must rise above whatever those are today, tomorrow or always.

Tattoo

I really like tattoos. On other people. 

I'm really picky about what kinds of tattoos I like so was sure I would never get one.  I'm drawn to words, always.  Or flowers and lace.  Sleeves on guys are so awesome, but I'm picky about those too.  The more I looked at tattoos the fewer I really liked.

And then a few years ago, a verse I'd always relied on to settle my soul came to mind again. 
Psalm 46:10.  Be still and know that I am God.  
It didn't matter what chaos surrounded me externally or what chaos swirled internally, those simple words worked.  Every time.  They are true and they are powerful to me.  And so it became my mantra. Be still.  Be still.  Be still.  Sometimes it was a whisper to quiet my mind and sometimes it came as a stern command. Like, "Knock it off with the worrying!"
Either way it was and is a part of my inner dialogue.
It was the only thing that I could imagine with me permanently.  So it developed from there.
My dad has the best handwriting.  It's font-worthy.  I wanted it in his handwriting.  He has always been a calming presence in my life. A beautiful example of that verse.
I wanted it someplace that was meaningful.  Along my hairline, going into my ear. A whisper or a command.  
I never wanted a tattoo to remind me of something or someone.  I never wanted a tattoo to commemorate anything.  If I was going to have a tattoo, it needed to be something that was already a part of me.  And this is.
So, it came to be the tattoo I never thought I would want.
Before Christmas this year, Chad mentioned getting tattoos for each other as gifts.  I just laughed cause he has never really talked about getting a tattoo so I thought he was joking.  He made it through the Navy and deployments without getting a tattoo, which is rare.  But, he wasn't joking and he had a good idea of what he wanted so I said, sure and just like that we joined the ever growing ranks of the tatted.

 

I don't have any desire to get another one and Chad has said the same, but I'm wondering if I could convince him to keep going on up his shoulder and down his arm... 

It comes to this.

Bullet points.  Why do I default to writing in bullet points?  If I could get myself to actually write more than once a week, bullet points would not seem necessary, but alas, it is where I am.  My thoughts reduced to bullet points. 

* Caleb is doing really well at school.  

We had one major meltdown day that consisted of me leaving him crying and then going to pick him up 30 minutes later cause he wouldn't calm down.  He took a nap that day and was kinda crummy feeling so I'm chalking it up on him being sick!   Otherwise, he is making headway reading and is mostly excited to go each day. He has managed to time his bowel movements on several days to be the moment he gets to school, so that's been fun.  You're welcome for that information.

*Getting a dog was an awesome decision.  Xena has become such a part of the family that I don't really remember what it was like before having her.  

*Chad and I got tattoos.

 I was going to write a whole post about it and I may still, but the long and short of it is, we're happy we did it.  I love mine and my mom said it best..."It's tattooed on my heart, too."  So true, Momma. 

*We had 3 teams from the gym travel to Omaha a few weekends ago for a CrossFit competition.

 I was not planning on competing but circumstances changed so I ended up doing it and I am glad I did.  My team was awesome and we had a great time.  I had a good bit of anxiety leading up to it, but was really happy with how the weekend turned out.  I got to spend some much needed time with some of my family too!

* On that note, my brother Jake is writing a book about our family and our loss of Luke 11 years ago.

 He is going to be interviewing each of the siblings and our parents.  I am excited and scared.  There is a good bit of baggage from that time in my life and I've left it somewhat untouched for quite some time.  The past month or more has been exceedingly difficult for many reasons and it has shown me to some degree how losing Luke and the circumstances surrounding that time have affected how I deal with stress and my relationships.  I'm ready to unpack all that and Jake will be a wonderful person to do that with.

* People and relationships can be complicated.  We deal with a wide range of people on a daily basis at the gym.  It is one of the things I love and one of the things that can be the most difficult. We've had to make some tough choices this past month and it has made us more aware than usual of our words and actions and how those need to match.  I am a firm believer that words only care weight when they match our actions.  We have repeatedly tried to make sure those are one and the same.  That has required us to say less and do more. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all and let actions speak for us.  Our gym is a valuable part of our lives and we take it and our members seriously.  It has been a bit of a complicated transition, but we are stronger and tighter as a community than ever and I'm so proud of our people.

*Haiti, Haiti, Haiti.  It's on my brain, my heart all the time. 

Here are a few reasons!

 And, I miss my friend, Josie!

Mathou and Roby!

Plus Junior who didn't make it in the picture!

And if I needed any more reasons.

 We're going in April and it's all I can do to not put together a paper chain or mark the days off the calendar or something to help me with a countdown.

Brain dumped.  Peace out.

Vision

Vision is a fascinating thing.  How we see matters.  What we see matters.  Who we see matters.
I'm most intrigued by the how lately.  Two situations can occur that are so similar, but how you see them can be the difference between peace and discord, between pain and acceptance, between reality and fabrication.
I'm on the hunt, on a mission, to see better.  To not cast aside a conversation, an experience, a person, a situation without really seeing it through all the angles.  In this, I hope I can see myself a little better too.  There has been some time spent in my past trying to hide behind various circumstances, people, titles, jobs, emotions. I'd like to see those again.  Maybe I will see them differently.
What's going on that you could possibly see differently? Who did you encounter that just needs someone to really see them?  

10 reasons why winter sucks(followed by maybe 2 or 3 reasons it can be tolerated)

1. Its cold outside.  
2. I'm not really sure why I need to go on, but I will.  
3. I'm cold.  All the time.  Well, scratch that.  I'm not cold when I'm curled up in bed with 3 blankets on top of me and I'm not cold in a skin-melting steamy hot bathtub.  Otherwise I'm cold.
4. Cold makes me grumpy.  It makes me suspicious of people who are happy in the winter.  Like they don't have nerve endings that sense cold.  Or it makes me jealous of them cause they seem to be able to feel their fingers and toes.
5. I have to wear a lot of clothes to function.  For example, right now I have on 2 shirts, 1 sweatshirt, leggings, socks, boots and a stocking hat.  And I'm inside my house.  And I'm cold.  I don't even like shoes. Or clothes for that matter.  I could be a nudist.  So winter sucks.
6. Imagine all the things you can accomplish in life from under a pile of blankets or in a hot bath.  It's not much so I shiver my way through the days.  And shivering is hard work.
7. Cars need "warming up."  I find this particularly cruel.  So I have to go outside to start my cold car in order to go outside in 10 minutes to get in my slightly less cold car to drive it?  Yes, yes, I know there is remote start, but really?  Putting a remote start in a 9 year old beat up Ford Freestyle that is heaving it's last breaths(PLEASE DIE) seems a bit ridiculous.   Almost as ridiculous as taking the time to "warm it up."
8. My car is horrifically dirty on the inside(and outside) during the winter because it's too cold to spend 10 minutes to clean out all the garbage/toys/french fries/socks/shoes/small children/etc. that have been left in the car since October.  
9.  Short days.  My body doesn't really function well before 10 AM and with the sun going down early, it starts to think about bed around 5:00 PM.  That's not a whole lot of time to take hot bathes and lay in my bed under the covers while imagining all the things I should be doing, like feeding my children, or educating them. 
10. Coffee consumption takes on a whole life of it's own.  Now this could be taken as a reason winter is awesome cause coffee is awesome, but no one likes that jittery, heart-racing coffee OD feeling.  But it's cold and when it's cold, I want hot coffee.  Lots of it.

The following is shared in the hopes that you don't think I'm some Debbie Downer...(which I kind of am, but only from Nov-March).
3 reasons why winter can be tolerated...
1. I can't really think of one.
2. Ok, fine. Boots.  Boots are cute.  I would argue they are just as cute when worn in 50+ degree weather, but I suppose they are a little cuter if there is snow on the ground or something.
3. Sweaters.  I really do like sweaters.  I like them even more when I have to pack them away each spring.

That's all I got, folks!

It's gonna be a good day.

It took some convincing to get Caleb out the door this morning...and maybe some raised voices.  He said it is the worst day ever and "this" (I'm still not sure what he meant by "this") was why he didn't want to go to school.
Thankfully, his little school is a 15 minute drive away.  It took about 7 of those minutes before he stopped talking about how much he didn't want to go.  The following minutes were about the refinery's smoke colors and the final minute, he said, "I wonder what I'll get to do today."  I walked him inside to the gym for opening and he walked up beside his teacher and started in on the singing and motions.  It was sweet to see him with his coat and backpack joining in with the other kids.  I have no idea what he will say about today or if tomorrow will be as tough to get him out the door.  I drove away today though and really felt like this is a good place for him.  I hope he sees that too.