Quotes for my new year.

I love words.  They feed something in me.  People have some really lovely things to say.  I need them to shift my focus, adjust my attitude, remind me of what's important.  They invoke something in me that is deep and powerful.
 These are some that are speaking to me right now. (Thank you, Pinterest! :) )

This parenting thing

We've made it no secret that our "baby" Caleb is his own breed of awesome.  With every challenge comes growth and he has made us stretch and grow, people. 
 He is intelligent and funny and fascinating.  He is one of a kind.  He has a mind that operates quickly and often around numbers.  He surprises me every day with what he has learned or what his thoughts revolve around.  He's growing up, maturing and learning quickly.  We love him like crazy.

This past semester was a difficult one for me and in turn put extra responsibilities on Elijah and Autumn.  They handled it well, but it meant Caleb watched entirely too much TV and played on the computer much longer than anyone would recommend.  It kept him occupied and happy while I was away here and there.  
What we have realized is that he needs "things" to do.  His mind must be occupied with activities or he struggles with being angry or frustrated or mean.  So with much thought and prayer, we decided to send him to Kindergarten next semester.  As in a little over a week.  
This is a hard.  I can't give him what he truly needs at this point and that is difficult for me to admit.  Honestly, it's a little bit that I don't want to be his educator and a little bit that I know someone else will do a better job.  He is intimidating in that arena.  Strong-willed, stubborn, and brilliant.  That's too much pressure for me.  So, we're going to pass the baton to some very capable hands.  He will go to half day Kindergarten at a little country school outside of town.  I am excited for him despite his assurance that he is NOT going.  I think he will thrive there.  I pray those few hours each day will teach him many things I feel inadequate or unmotivated to teach him.  
It's so different than what we have done with the other kids, but he is so different so it feels right.  Some serious unknowns up ahead.  I welcome the change and the challenge!

Overdue

Man, this blogging thing is hit or miss, huh?  More miss than hit.
I've noticed it's when I have the most going on in my head that I write the least.

Pick a topic, any topic. 
Activities, relationships, struggles, Christmas, dreams, kids, choices, changes, etc.  I could write a book about any of them from the past 6 weeks.  The overwhelming thread through them has been deep and hidden and difficult.
These have been some of the hardest weeks of my life.  And that's saying something.  I don't really know how to put down the complexity of it all.  Regular life marched on.  School concerts, Christmas shopping and planning, trip to MO, Christmas party at the gym, day to day happenings. Behind it all though. Turmoil. Chad and I have had to come to some serious conclusions about ourselves, our choices, our relationships with each other and others. It was and still is messy and painful and complicated.  Much of it has to do with the past year and was intensified by over 13 years of the way we've operated and the environment that we created with each other. Our lives have been and continue to be wonderful, but it has not been without baggage, some of it quite heavy.
Truth is we are profoundly happy.  And madly in love.  Which makes it all the more hard when you realize you've spent a year speaking different languages.  Believing you understood each other when you didn't.  Never intentionally causing pain, but doing exactly that.
I have surprised even myself with the intensity of my emotions over the past weeks.  I am an intuitive, emotional person and I know myself well.  These past weeks have made me question every aspect of my being.  Question every thought, emotion, choice. I've contemplated how we got here and how to never go to those dark places again.  It has been through painful conversations with Chad, with myself and with God, that I have come to the conclusion that there is no pain quite like anxiety and fear.  It is all consuming, difficult to pull out of and easy to fall into once you have visited it.
I am not naturally fearful or anxious, which is what has surprised me about this particular situation.  I'm the go-along girl. I hold tightly to the 'peace that passes all understanding.'  It is one of my characteristics that is most beneficial in many ways, but leaves me wondering what it is I actually want or need.  I probably say, "whatever" more than any other thing when asked my opinion on things.  Yet, when I felt like my marriage was being threatened, nothing else mattered.  I fought and fought hard.  Sometimes with intensity that shocked me.  I was not going to "go along" for the sake of getting along anymore.
And in the places that had always felt secure, insecurity settled.  In my most peaceful places, anxiety arose.  I felt I had no voice, no choice in the matter that mattered most to me.  I was painted as overprotective, manipulative, controlling.  Unfair at best and untrue at worst.
It's been a long few weeks but it's getting better.  I still fight an anxiety that feels so foreign to me some days.  I'm working on sustaining peace in all things. Trusting God to take charge of me and our relationship with each other and others.  Chad and I are better than we have ever been.  We have established boundaries around ourselves that we both agree have been missing, especially this last year with opening the gym, new job, new people, older kids.  We've had to look at ourselves honestly and see where we failed each other.  I don't imagine we're done growing and I'm glad. I don't want to stay stagnant.  We need to keep growing however painful and we will.  This chapter is still being written, but I am more confident in the Author than ever.

Time marches on

I didn't really forget, I just didn't have any words for it yesterday.

Luke's birthday was yesterday and I didn't acknowledge it on Facebook and let's be real, if it's not on social media, it didn't happen, right?  But his birthday did happen and I did forget it was his birthday until I saw his picture on Facebook.  Then I remembered.

Then I went about my day as usual.  The longer it goes, the more I forget.  I never forget Luke, I just forget I should be sad that he's gone, or I should be reflecting on his life, or I forget to carry it as a "I lost my brother" banner.  I forget that every new person I meet should know that about me.  It was ultra defining as a young adult to lose him, but I don't know when it stopped defining me now.  I miss him so much it hurts sometimes, but sometimes I forget to hurt.  And I think that's ok.
I miss the opportunities we would have had to be a part of each others lives.  I miss being able to tell him about my love for Haiti.  Would he have gone with me sometime?  I miss being able to tell him Caleb stories.  Would he have had some insight or would he have just laughed with the rest of us?  I miss my kids not knowing him.  I miss knowing him as an adult.  We're all so different than we were at 16.  How would he have changed?

I use to think about him every single day.  Then I'd realize I didn't think about him a day here or there.  Lately I realized I only think about him occasionally.  A little reminder here.  A memory there.  Maybe this is some sort of confession.  I think I felt unconsciously for a long time that I had to think of him often or he didn't live or it didn't affect me enough.   But I don't think about him some days and that doesn't take away from his life, my memories, the pain of losing him or the joy that has come after. It's all still there.   The years are passing and I'll never forget him, but I won't feel guilty for not reliving the pain every birthday.  I'll not feel guilty for going through a day without thinking about him.

I will, however, cherish the sweet memories and gentle reminders as they come.

 

Photo Dump

Beautiful fall day a few weeks back so we hiked Coronado Heights!  One of the kids favorite places to explore.

 

Trick or Treat down Main St. is a fun annual tradition in our town!

Michael Jordan, biker girl, red ninja and Red Power Ranger had a great time!

First annual Costume WOD!  These people know how to have a good time!  Wicked fun night!!

Morning after the Costume WOD we opened the gym to be the start/finish line for a Costume 5K.  Cory did the whole stinkin' thing!  His friend, Leah, ran it all too!  Sometimes this kid just blow me away.

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 So before all this Halloween fun, we surprised Little A with her birthday/Christmas present.  A trip to Florida to visit her aunt, uncle and cousins!  She was speechless and so excited. 
This will be for me the sweetest memory.  Just before we pushed back on our first flight.  She turned right after I took this picture and just smiled so, so big.  It was priceless time with her.  

 

A full day at Sea World!

Mic and I waiting in line for a ride.

Sierra and I

Nathan and I (Sierra with a scary photo bomb!)

Pool time in October is a sweet deal.

Birthday girl!  11 years old

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 And just because it was a sweet moment

Autumn was somewhat sick yesterday so I let her stay home, which meant she volunteered to help Cory with his schoolwork.  :)

Surprises

I hesitate writing this post.  I love surprises, but nothing is worse than blowing a surprise.
I'm banking on the fact that few people read this blog and even fewer see my daughter on a regular basis.

Her birthday is the 21st of this month.  And we're going to surprise her. 
It's been in the works for about a month and has only worked out because of my sister's generosity.  I get a little giddy thinking about it...

Autumn and I are flying on a jet plane to Florida.  We'll spend 4ish days with my sister and family.  My nieces don't know.  My daughter does not know.  My sister and I are trying to keep it under wraps until the day we fly out. 

We decided last Christmas after spending more than we ever had on a cool "big" gift for the kids that they destroyed in a matter of weeks, that we are no longer doing big gifts.  At least until they are much older and less destructive.  So, our gifts will be experiences.  This is Autumn's birthday and Christmas gift (and really should be my gift, as well!)

We have some other ideas in the works for the other kids and it will be fun to experience those as well.

Autumn thinks we're going to Missouri to celebrate with her friends there and my parents.  It's a nice cover since my mom is watching the boys while we're gone. 
So if you see her, ask about her trip to Missouri, but DO NOT mention Florida!!  Gosh, I love surprises!

Runaway freight train

Full steam ahead is about the only way I can describe these past few weeks.
Days are full, housework is way behind, 12 year old is self-educating, 10 year old is running the house most evenings, 8 year old is getting school in twice a week if we're lucky, and 5 year old has been watching entirely too much SpongeBob Squarepants and I vaguely remember what my husband looks like.
But, we're making it.  The housework will inevitably always exist.  The 12 year rates his "happiness" very high, the 10 year old has some mad skills at being in charge, the 8 year old doesn't mind the free days and is still making progress and the 5 year old is happy to sit around in his underwear most days with Legos, boxes and TV to entertain.  As for the husband, well, this won't last forever, right?
The truth is I don't know how we would do this without a good bit of prayer, clutch friendships, ultra responsible, easy-going kids, and for me, the knowledge that there is always a little respite around the corner.  A weekend at my parents, Chad's days off, a coffee date with friends, anything that reminds me that we're all good.

This weekend, we're going to my parents to speak at my dad's congregation's mission festival about Haiti.  It is what I love to do.  Every bit of me wants to share a little piece of my heart and hope for our friends there.  I'm so thankful to have the opportunities to do that.
It also means a full day tomorrow of nothing on the agenda.  Just my mom, dad and grandmas to chat with, a nap to take and pictures and slideshows to touch up.  A respite. 

We're making it.  Some days I'm entirely overwhelmed and others I'm oblivious to the quantity we push through.  I won't be sad when this semester is over!

Idealist Champion

I had a perfect weekend in Omaha.  I spent time with some of my siblings which is always so grounding and comforting.  I talk somewhat often to my sisters, but I don't regularly talk with my brothers.  We chat occasionally or never and see each other when we see each other.  That being said, it always just feels normal around them.  I feel like me. 
I spent a bit of time chatting with my sister-in-law who may be the most chill, calming presence walking this Earth and we started talking about personalities, as this is a favorite topic of hers.  She mentioned the Keirsey personality test, which I know I have taken in the past, but couldn't recall what my results were.  Anyway, the past few weeks and months have been particularly taxing and it was great to talk about maybe why I am the way I am, which could explain a bit about why I've been stressed, but without really recognizing it as such.

So, long story short, I retook the Keirsey test and light bulbs flipped on above my head and a lot of nodding took place as I read through my personality. 
Here is the link for the description of my personality.  http://keirsey.com/4temps/champion.asp
You can register and take the test yourself from there if you've never taken or want to take it again.  You might find out some interesting things about yourself!
I am an Idealist Champion (ENFP), which is apparently quite rare.  3-4% of the population share this.  Something interesting??  Both my sister, Grace and my brother, Jake are the same.  Could be why I feel so at home with them!  We speak each other's personality language! 
It may also be why I often feel alone in my thoughts.  I am truly an idealist to the core.  I believe people have a huge capacity for good.  I think any situation can be a positive one.  I often wish people would see the world through a bigger lens.  One that is covered with compassion and mercy.
My thoughts are more often than not consumed by people.  My inner dialogue is laced with thoughts and prayers for people.  People I saw today or someone I was close with 20 years ago all have a hold.  If at one time, you and I were close friends, I would venture to guess I think of you every single day.  I semi-joked with Chad that I should write down each person I think of in a day.  It would take up pages.  I do not know why I'm wired this way.  I carry people around in my mind.  I invest in them emotionally without them ever knowing.  I am thankful for this in many ways, as it keeps my mind busy with what I am sure is more valuable than what I would think about otherwise.  But, it can be exhausting.  Especially when I don't feel like I have enough time to draw some strength and build my reserves.
I find this all very interesting at almost 33, to feel like I'm still figuring myself out.  I wonder what I'll learn at 43? Or 53?



 

Running away

I have, over the years, had the urge to run away.  There are times that it all just feels too heavy.  And somehow running away seems like the only way to lighten the load.  There were many, many times I couldn't run away.  I had to stand and face it all.  My failures and heartaches, my loneliness in the chaos, my fears and insecurities.  And I'm thankful for those times because they were faith-shaping and skin-thickening and mind-stretching. 

Tomorrow, though, I'm running.  Cause I can.  My little sister is just a few short hours away and it is a safe haven if ever there was one.  I will unload some mental baggage and drink plenty of wine and figure out all the world's problems, at least for a time.

I expect to come back with just as much to do and more, but hopefully with some margin, emotionally.  The crazy schedule really is holding out well and I haven't felt too overwhelmed with that yet.  It just doesn't leave me with a whole lot of space to fail.  And I do fail and it's hard.  I need a moment to buffer it all a bit and Grace (there is not another name that would suit her more) is waiting with open arms.

Homeschooling a 7th grader

I don't know how other people homeschool.  It's one of those great mysteries.  I've talked to other homeschoolers and it seems some other people may have similar experiences, but there is really no way to know since I'm not there.
I suppose it depends on the primary teacher, the students, the schedules.  I happen to love our "schedule"  which consists of no schedule at all.  Elijah has proved to be extremely efficient when he wants to be. 
Meaning he did a weeks worth of school yesterday.  Took him about 7 hours.  I mentioned that I think he needs to work at least 3 days a week in some capacity cause it just seems wrong to do school one day a week.  Or he needs to find a job.
He kinda grinned and said ok. "Maybe I can get 2 or 3 weeks worth done in a few days."
Its possible this relaxed, breezy schedule will get old for him at some point.  We'll deal with that when it comes.

To-do

Here we go...
My to-do list.
I use to make these lists to help me get all the housework and errands done.
Or the projects around the house that I wanted to do.
Or the books I wanted to read.
Or the meals I needed to cook.

Now it looks a little something like this...

1. Focus on this moment.

2. Now focus on this moment.

3. Now you can focus on this moment.

4. Repeat.

You get the idea.  I cannot think about anything past this moment. Except to the extent it prepares me for the next moment.

It's good, right?  Yep.
Except when I get ahead of it.  When I look through the next few days, I want to cry.  If I stupidly look through the next week, I'll never get out of bed.  I can be paralyzed by busyness.  Slightly busy is energizing.  Too busy is debilitating. 

And the tight rope walk is on.

"Camp"less

I've got some rather personal thoughts on education and my current frustrations with "the system."  This includes the public, private and homeschool "systems."
We're in a bit of a odd position this year.  Elijah is homeschooling for 7th grade, Autumn is attending 5th grade at a public school, Cory is homeschooling 2nd grade, and Caleb will be doing some Kindergarten stuff at home.  We've had a mix like this for the past several years and its worked so far.  But what it doesn't afford us is a "camp" to settle in.

I didn't know this until the past few weeks, but with Elijah doing online school, we are not "homeschoolers."  Who'd a' thought!?!  And, even though his online school is a "public" school, we're also not "public schoolers."  We are apparently not welcome in either camp from an activities standpoint.
This all came about in trying to find a place Elijah could play basketball this winter.  Middle school won't allow it because he's not a student in the building and homeschool groups won't allow it because the schooling we are doing is from a public source.  Needless to say, I'm super frustrated with the whole stupid thing.  It comes down to a money trail, a fight for fairness by organizations, a "definition" of education, and where that takes place and apparently we fit nowhere.
It makes me crazy, if I'm honest with myself, because it's my kid that is getting the shaft.  It's my kid that is selflessly giving up something he LOVES because he understands the importance of a good education.  One he was not getting at the middle school and one I cannot give him without some help from an online "public" school.  He is mature beyond his years and he'll be ok.  And we know it's just basketball, but he has big dreams and goals in the classroom and on the court and I will not be the one to stand in the way of either of those things. 
So for now, we wait.  We wait and watch and research.  We may fight for it next year in one arena or the other.  What I find so painfully frustrating is that we have to fight for this in the first place.  When did public education lay down with athletics to the point that they are inseparable?  When did the definition of "homeschooling" become so convoluted?  When did they put themselves on opposite sides of the fence, rather than seeing themselves on the same side?  If I've learned anything through having kids in different school settings is that everyone really is trying to do their best.  Schools are trying to do the best they can with the mess they have.  Parents who homeschool are just trying to do their best with the messes they have. 
It's not simple, but it doesn't have to be so complicated.

3...2...1...GO...

If you read my blog with any kind of regularity, then you know I've wrote a few times about margin and knowing your limits and saying no sometimes to give yourself some space, especially if you have littles.

Lies.  All of it.

I'm kidding!  All that is super duper true.  And I'm about to embark on what will be months and could be years of knowingly, willingly, strategically pushing out of those margins that I love so much.  It could be a disaster.  There will be tears and anguish and lots of questions on my part of, "Is this worth it?"  I'm gonna guess that some days the answer will be no and some days yes.  But, I hope, in the end, the answer is yes, yes, yes.

I'm starting school tomorrow. I'll be taking 7 credit hours.  A one credit Basic Concepts which I think they require to weed out the people that don't really want to study Human Anatomy and Physiology.  And 6 credits of Human A&P and Lab.  Manageable, right?
What these next months will hopefully look like is a steady 6-10 credits each semester until I am finished with a Physical Therapy Assistant degree. 

I don't imagine I'll have much margin to give.  I pray my husband understands and my kids understand and my friends and family understand that I've never done anything like this.  I've never tried to tackle this kind of life for a long period of time.  I don't know how it will go.  I hope it goes well.  That my walls are wider than I think.  That I can still be a good wife and mother, a decent friend to most and a good friend to a few.  That I can keep up and keep in touch.  That I don't cry too much or worry too much.
That's my hope and prayer.  That although it's a lot, that it won't be too much.

Never boring.

Baby is 5 today.  His antics are many.  His laugh is contagious.  His words are endless.  His snuggles are precious. 
Caleb came into this world in the calm of our house, in the quiet of a Saturday morning.  And rocked our world.
He has always been a challenge and with each one, he pushed us to be more patient, more selfless, and increased our ability to function on no sleep.  
He's an endless source of humor and embarrassment. 
In fact, in honor of his birthday, I have two fun little stories for you...

The other day our neighbor girl came running in the house out of breath.  She said, breathing hard, "My heart is beating so fast!  Here, Caleb, feel my heart."  He did and then sat back down at the table.  A full minute later, he says, "Mom, those things you call boobs, that's actually your heart."
Um, no.

And this morning...out of nowhere, "Cory told me one time that girls pee out of their butts."
Um, no.

It's never boring with Caleb in the house. :)

The best laid plans...

of mice and men often go awry.
Or from the actual poem...

The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley, --Robert Burns


I have learned over the years that planning is great and generally beneficial.  It is also, at times, completely useless.
Planning things does not make me feel more secure or less stressed.  Quite the opposite sometimes. I like vague plans and maybes.  I'm sure it drives people crazy.
I am, by nature, not a planner.  I understand that some are and I have actually a good bit of those people surrounding me.  My husband is one. Sort of.  I think I've wore him down a bit.  I birthed a planner, Autumn.  My mom and older sister are planners, although you wouldn't guess it by their easy-going attitudes.  Some of my closest friends are planners.  I think I gravitate towards these people because they are so weird.  Ha!  Kidding.  Sort of.
Well, guess what, folks?  I have a plan.  I hold out very little hope that I will hold to it, but I'm gonna give it a go.  I plan on completing an associate's degree in Physical Therapy assistance.  I'm enrolled in 2 classes for August.  Really one and the other is a week long prerequisite.  Nothing crazy, now.  I've got this plan in mind...it involves Chad running the gym and me working in a physical therapy office.  A few years from now.  Maybe 5 or so.  It sounds pretty good right now, but plans generally do until you try to execute them. 

I am certain that to most people who completed college or set out to do something and actually followed through with it, may not understand my angst with all this.  Planning out what I would like to do in 5 years or 2 years or tomorrow actually makes me quite anxious.  I don't like it.  What if I change my mind?  I don't want to come across as a flake. 
I just like the unknown.  The empty days.  The vague sense of what may happen rather then the certainty that something will.  I like sitting back and watching things unfold, not making them unfold.  Now, obviously, if I want to work in a physical therapy office, doing physical therapy, I will need a degree.  Hence, my plan.
A big part of my motivation in all this is actually Chad.  He just wants to run that gym full time.  There have only been a few short years of his life that he's had one job.  Except for those Navy years, his "secondary" job has been the one he was passionate about.  During school, it was football.  His first job was the Y, with his passion, football, on the side.  Now his job at Williams, with CrossFit on the side. I know it gets old for him.  So what if?  What if I can do something I like and he can do something he loves?  I can do that.  I think.
I imagine that if I do accomplish this task it will not be without stress, or tears, or questions.  It may be the one thing I will stick with.  Besides my husband...and kids...and family...and friends(at least the ones who agree we're friends)...and Haiti.  I'll stick with those people.  But this, this would be a new one. 
I wonder if I'll feel like that mouse in Burn's poem at some point...

13

It may seem strange that I settle into writing a wedding anniversary post over a month after our actual anniversary, but that is a testament to our lives right now. 
I didn't know if I would get around to this one, but something kept nagging at me to write it.  Just write it.  So I'm writing it.

We were hanging out with some great friends late, late, late one evening(could have been morning) a few weeks ago, and we were talking about our early years.  The Navy years.  Our young selves.  It struck me so hard then that those years feel so foreign.  So far removed from us now.  It was almost like telling them someone else's stories. 
 
Talking about those years reminded me(as if I needed reminding) that we have never really taken the easy road.  We kinda stacked the deck against us from the start.  Married at 19, baby at 20, moved far away from family.  Military life. Another baby 19 months later.  Those years were tough and I don't think that was an accident.  Trial by fire.  Would we make it?  I was a young single mom a lot of the time.  Would I survive it without resentment?  Chad was in a world he thrived in.  But it wasn't easy for us.  Those first years were so groundbreaking and foundation building.  We had many opportunities to choose to turn away from each other or turn towards each other.  Each time we fought the urge to turn away and instead turned in towards each other, I think we put one more brick on that foundation.  We didn't always, but we did more than we didn't and it's made all the difference.

Some of our days now are hard. And some are easy.  But most are a little of both.  I don't always like him and I know he doesn't always like me.  We laugh a lot. We fight some, we make up more.  I cry sometimes, he doesn't.  I fight resentment about some things.  He's good, if I'm good.  We dream.  He works so hard to fill our lives with what we need.  I'm shocked at times how much I need him.  It scares me.  Sometimes I'm shocked at how easily I can get on without him.  That scares me too.

I am absolutely certain that we haven't seen the hardest of life yet.  I don't think we get off that easy.  I don't think God is done with us yet.  I've seen Him refine Chad, refine me and He holds us together.  Sometimes by a thread, but we hold. 
It's been so much more good than bad.  We've got this dreamy life.  Not by grand standards, but by our standards.  Sometimes I forget that. There is so much about this life that rains beauty around us.  It's hard to imagine what else we'll encounter so I won't.  We'll just keep taking it day by day.  Tying that cord a little tighter around us and one of those days I'll turn around and we'll be another decade in and I'll remember us now and how young we were and how "unrefined" and hopefully I'll smile and laugh at how far we've come.

 
 

Summertime bullet points

*So far, summer has been blissfully dull save for one week where 4 kids were suppose to be in 3 different places at the same times and the occasional evening where Chad is working, I'm coaching and kids need to be at games.  Hasn't been too bad yet.

*The bigs wake up late, wander around, read books, take naps, go to the library, go swimming.  The littles follow suit for the most part.  We've had a few weekends of basketball for Elijah, T-ball for Caleb and baseball for Cory.  Autumn is doing summer dance and the 3 older ones are taking piano lessons.  Aside from that, they fend for themselves.  I do not "entertain" well.  "Go play" is my most used phrase in the summer.

*Autumn has a babysitting job this summer for her teacher's two sons.  She is loving making some money and she's a natural caretaker.  A play games, read books, make crafts, kind of babysitter.  That girl is organized and efficient.  She is clearly just like her mother. HA!

*The gym is going so well.  We steadily have at least 1 or 2 people in Foundations with a pretty good retention of members.  I so enjoy the community aspect of it!  We're hosting a fundraiser for school tuition for Mathou, Roby and Junior next Saturday and I'm super excited about that!

*I've had a recent rough stretch of reality checks.  Mostly about friendships and relationships.  Apparently I tend to be a bit more invested in people than they are in me. I realize I may not be the most consistent friend, but it still hurts sometimes when you realize they don't view you as the friend you thought you were.  C'est la vie.

*I'm somewhat sure I'm going to take a class or two this fall.  I'd like to get my PT assistant degree.  This is not the first time a degree has caught my attention, but this is one that has stuck around for awhile.  Long enough to make me seriously consider it anyway.  I'd like to start working on it for a lot of reasons.  One being, if we could ever have Chad just at the gym, I would need to be working.  Two, I think I would really like the actual day to day of it.  Three, it would be very helpful in our gym setting.  And four, I could really use that information and knowledge in Haiti.

*It's the 4th of July.  I love, love, love the festivities around this holiday.  BBQs, big fireworks(I hate spending $$ on the stupid firecracker stuff, but love the big shows), and most importantly the focus is should put back on what so many men and women have fought to retain.  Freedom!  Having lived that military life for a few years and having so many family members serve, we are acutely aware of how difficult that life can be.  It does come at a price and we are so grateful for those who have paid so we can live free.

*I think that's all.  I think I'm caught up for the most part. 
I never wrote an "anniversary" post last month.  13 years.  Seems like a lifetime.  We were talking with friends last night about some of our early married years and it was a lifetime ago.  Yet, such a huge part of who we are today.  I may need to write that anniversary post...It's a big deal that I still love that guy like crazy. 

Happy Independence Day!!

Fathers

I've got some blog catching up to do, but today it's a shout out to the dads.

What a monumental job these men have in the lives of their children.  It's not a straightforward, step by step, do this and you're going to be a good dad kind of gig. 
It's messy and confusing and hard some days.

When I look around my life, I see men taking on this task with confidence and determination and a capacity for love that is incredibly endearing. 
My daddy is one of those men.  He has always been the calm in life's storms.  A peaceful, wise counsel.  A beautiful example of loving his children unconditionally.  He is why my standards were so high when I decided to marry my husband.

And speaking of confidence...Chad has taken on fatherhood with a confidence that is contagious.  He doesn't balk at the hard stuff.  As the years have rolled on, he's settled into this gig so amazingly well.  He gets it.  The big picture.  That we're raising adults.  He wants so badly for our children to be good strong Christian examples in the world.  He makes it apart of his conversations, his actions, his choices.   I am so thankful for all he does for our family.  It's impossible to quantify the impact he has in our children's lives.

And still more, I see my father-in-law, my brothers and brothers-in-law, my friend's husbands, all taking on this role so fantastically.  Each one is a shining example of what it means to be a father and I'm so grateful for each one of them.

 

Identity crisis

It's not the first time this has happened.
This unsettled feeling.
It has always happened when dynamics shift and we enter a new stage of life or kids or jobs.
The excitement of a new milestone has passed and the "grind" has set in.
Disclaimer before I continue...I am happy with our decisions of late to start a business, job change for Chad and everything else about the day to day.  This is more about an internal battle, then an unhappiness with my external life.

I have a tendency to just go with the flow.  Basically that is my entire existence and every once in awhile, I catch myself asking "What do you want?"  Its not a question I like to answer, mostly because if I were honest I want just what we have now OR nothing resembling what we have now.  And I can't have both. 
It feels very much like I'm standing in the shadow of someone else's dreams.  I play a part, and some would argue a valuable part, but I'm not leading this pack. 
I don't put up much of a fight for or against things, because I think things always seem to work out, in general.  Even the nasty hard, gut-wrenchingly awful, painfully life-changing stuff.  Those work out too.  I don't really battle for things, which is why I circle around to feeling this way periodically.  I don't know why I am this way, but I am. 
I don't have any real drive or direction or motivation.  We're healthy, happy, and blessed.  Can't ask for much more, but that is exactly what I find myself asking for.  I feel like I'm jumping up and down, waving my hands behind everyone trying to see if anyone wants to know what I want.  Problem is as soon as people turn and ask, I just say, "Oh, never mind.  I don't really know. Carry on."

I married someone who has all the things I don't.  Direction, motivation, ambition, drive.  When you put someone like me with someone who has a goal, an "inner fire", what you get is 2 people doing what the driven one pursues.
And that is where I am. 
I realize that I have had a choice here.  I chose exactly where we are today and I'm glad I did. 
But I am also absolutely certain I would not be doing anything like this if it were just up to me. 
So I wonder about how much of this is really me.  I feel lost in someone else's world. 

Another piece of the puzzle is where we are with kids.  We have older ones.  My time is not entirely dictated by their every breath.  I have spent the past 12 years being a mom to littles.  That is not the case anymore.  This leaves me with time and a bit of freedom.  And I genuinely do not know what to do with it.

I'm grasping.  Wondering who I am and feeling like I don't have any real traction.  Debating on what I should do differently, if anything. 
The reality is I've been down this road before and ultimately nothing changed, but me.  I let go of any plans I entertained and just kept plugging along, swallowed my pride, let go of some resentment, and embraced what I had. 
My greatest fear right now is that I will do the same thing. 
 

The sweet spot of margin

I've settled into what I call the sweet spot.  Not too much, not too little.  This has happened time to time and when I notice it, I realize why I work so hard to get here and wonder how the heck do I ever let myself lose it. I could blame the kids or the husband or all the "things" I "have" to do, but really it's just me and my brain working to find peace amidst chaos or contentment in boredom. Or vice versa.
That sweet spot of margin has always been fluid and the challenge is to be aware and know yourself well enough to fight for the extra room between your walls.
Sometimes I'm really good at it.  Other times...not so much.

With itty bitty babies, endless diapers, nursing, sleepless nights, tantrum filled days, my margin was quickly consumed.  All that baby stuff took over life.  It was all I could do to find a few minutes to pee alone, read alone, sleep alone, often unsuccessfully.  I chose to almost always have a little side job that would allow me time away.  This was often because we needed the extra dollars, but it also made me feel a little more human.  Looking back, I wish I had just settled in those early years and fought like crazy to slow the days down instead of speed them up, fought harder to find peace in the madness, then always looking for a way out.  I know people told me that then, but I didn't care much.  I was too exhausted to want to stay in that stage.  Sad how that is.  My walls of margin were tight and often overflowing and I just.wanted.to.breath.my.own.air.

It felt like I was always in a struggle with my identity, although I didn't really recognize that then.  Who was I?  "Just a mom" wasn't good enough by so many people's, and even my own standards, at times.  I knew myself well enough to know I didn't want a full time job, although some days that looked really appealing.  It was in brief flashes of peace, in times that I had space to breath and think and reflect, that I came to better understand myself and others.  If we're constantly barreling through this life, when do we have time to pause, to let our mind settle into a thought, a prayer, a smile, a friend?

The past few years, I feel like a fog has lifted.  Most nights I sleep uninterrupted.  I can mostly choose what fills my day.  It's not dictated by naps and nursing and diapers.  All 4 kids can somewhat fend for themselves if they are hungry.  They can bathe and shower themselves.  Work the DVD player and TV and get themselves dressed.  I randomly find myself home alone.  I usually take a moment to bask in the silence, but then I miss the noise. 

As all this "kids growing up" gradually happened under my nose a few years ago, I started adding things to my life to the point that I was again well beyond my walls of margin.  I took on a job at our church, I worked the waterpark during the summer, and then started working at what I call "the best job ever" as a barista at a coffee shop.  All that with 3 kids still home during the day, one homeschooled and the youngest still waking up several times a night and going to battle with every day and Chad working long hours.
I was exhausted and it rolled right into fall and winter that way.  I found myself depressed without really knowing it.  Depleted nutritionally without really caring and oblivious to how much I was asking of myself.  I blindly kept rolling through life like that, thinking I was good.  Busy, accomplished, holding it all down.  What I was, was tired with no margin to even see I had pushed myself to the walls and over. 
So I fought back a little.  I tried to eat better, although I still don't eat enough for my activity level, which I'm working on. Last summer, I let go of the church job I was doing poorly anyway, I sent Autumn to school in the fall, Chad's job changed which relieved a good bit of stress, I let go of any solid expectations of schooling Cory and just focused on being his mom, I fought and fought and fought to understand Caleb and how we could parent him better.  Each little step, brought me a teeny bit more margin, space for peace, for a moment to do NOTHING, which we don't do nearly enough of, in my opinion.  It took time to clean out what I had piled into my walls.

So six months ago, we opened our CrossFit gym.  It's success continues to blow us away.  How is that we added a major responsibility and yet I feel like we have settled into the sweet spot?  Partly it's because we love it so it doesn't feel like work.  My coffee shop job came to a close a month ago, which was terribly sad, but was good timing in the "need more margin" category.  Chad's job, which he started last July, creates chunks of time that he is 100% available which is completely foreign to us.  Elijah and Autumn being older and responsible enough to watch Cory and Caleb occasionally is a huge factor. 
But maybe more then anything, it's perspective.  I've been stupid, crazy busy and I don't love it, but it took being in that place to know that.  I can manage it for a time out of necessity, but I much prefer a slower pace.  My house is still not clean, although I probably have the time to clean it.  I still don't make dinner every night, although I'm better then I used to be.  I still get flustered and stressed and forget things and yell, but it's noticeable less then when I'm maxed out of margin.  What I love the most about this sweet spot, is there is space for me to say yes to a friend who needs a ride, a lunch date with Chad, a mid-morning nap after being up at 445am, an afternoon to hang out at a park.  It's the ability to say yes to what I truly feel is valuable.  That's the sweet spot.

It's worth the fight, the mental battle, to find where yours is.  I'm sure it's different then mine.  I'm going to hang onto this one as long as I can.  Summer is fast approaching which means busy kids, but I'm looking forward to it.  I'd like to think we can stay here awhile.  Time will tell, but hopefully I'll see the walls closing in and push back or at least have the sense to ride it out in peace.