What is it about identity that can be so complicated?
Who am I? When asked, I think I often say what I strive to be or what I want others to perceive me to be, but that's not always accurate. I don't think I can truly be who I desire to be until I recognize who I am right now. The good things, the bad things, the the mediocre things.
Hopefully, we're all an ever changing landscape on our way to becoming more like Christ. A little tweek here, a shift in perspective there.
That being said, how does that translate into what I do. I believe who we are should permeate what we do, but what we do cannot be who we are. I say should, knowing full well that that is easier said than done. It takes effort, failures, successes and stumbles. I still stumbling along with this one.
If someone asked me over the years in an effort to find out a little bit about who I am, "what do you do?", my answer could have been a student, a basketball player, a secretary, a Mary Kay consultant, a volleyball and basketball coach, a church secretary, a barista and currently a CrossFit coach/athlete. The problem with that is I am not any of those things. Those were and are things I do. Each of those things were or are a large part of my life. They help me grow and change. They provided me opportunities to interact and engage with all kinds of people. I enjoyed each one and truly enjoy my current job as a CrossFit coach. But, the what we do/who we are battle is an important difference and one that cannot be overlooked if we're striving for balance. It's easy to get wrapped in what we do and let it define us.
I genuinely loved each one of those opportunities. Occasionally I let myself get so wrapped up in one or another that I have confused it for my identity. Once that happened, though, it lost it's luster. The job became a job and it no longer held my attention. I learned more and more at each turn that I am defined by my Creator alone. We cannot be defined by what we choose to fill our time with. Let who you are permeate what you do, regardless of what that is. Be passionate about what you spend your time doing. Enjoy it. Embrace it. But always remember it is not who you are.
I am always striving to remember that I am a child of God first and my words and actions should reflect that(should, but don't often enough for me to wonder why He still wants me on His team). Whatever other circumstance or position I am in is merely that, a circumstance or position. Who I am must rise above whatever those are today, tomorrow or always.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Tattoo
I really like tattoos. On other people.
I'm really picky about what kinds of tattoos I like so was sure I would never get one. I'm drawn to words, always. Or flowers and lace. Sleeves on guys are so awesome, but I'm picky about those too. The more I looked at tattoos the fewer I really liked.
And then a few years ago, a verse I'd always relied on to settle my soul came to mind again.
Psalm 46:10. Be still and know that I am God.
It didn't matter what chaos surrounded me externally or what chaos swirled internally, those simple words worked. Every time. They are true and they are powerful to me. And so it became my mantra. Be still. Be still. Be still. Sometimes it was a whisper to quiet my mind and sometimes it came as a stern command. Like, "Knock it off with the worrying!"
Either way it was and is a part of my inner dialogue.
It was the only thing that I could imagine with me permanently. So it developed from there.
My dad has the best handwriting. It's font-worthy. I wanted it in his handwriting. He has always been a calming presence in my life. A beautiful example of that verse.
I wanted it someplace that was meaningful. Along my hairline, going into my ear. A whisper or a command.
I never wanted a tattoo to remind me of something or someone. I never wanted a tattoo to commemorate anything. If I was going to have a tattoo, it needed to be something that was already a part of me. And this is.
So, it came to be the tattoo I never thought I would want.
Before Christmas this year, Chad mentioned getting tattoos for each other as gifts. I just laughed cause he has never really talked about getting a tattoo so I thought he was joking. He made it through the Navy and deployments without getting a tattoo, which is rare. But, he wasn't joking and he had a good idea of what he wanted so I said, sure and just like that we joined the ever growing ranks of the tatted.
I don't have any desire to get another one and Chad has said the same, but I'm wondering if I could convince him to keep going on up his shoulder and down his arm...
And then a few years ago, a verse I'd always relied on to settle my soul came to mind again.
Psalm 46:10. Be still and know that I am God.
It didn't matter what chaos surrounded me externally or what chaos swirled internally, those simple words worked. Every time. They are true and they are powerful to me. And so it became my mantra. Be still. Be still. Be still. Sometimes it was a whisper to quiet my mind and sometimes it came as a stern command. Like, "Knock it off with the worrying!"
Either way it was and is a part of my inner dialogue.
It was the only thing that I could imagine with me permanently. So it developed from there.
My dad has the best handwriting. It's font-worthy. I wanted it in his handwriting. He has always been a calming presence in my life. A beautiful example of that verse.
I wanted it someplace that was meaningful. Along my hairline, going into my ear. A whisper or a command.
I never wanted a tattoo to remind me of something or someone. I never wanted a tattoo to commemorate anything. If I was going to have a tattoo, it needed to be something that was already a part of me. And this is.
So, it came to be the tattoo I never thought I would want.
Before Christmas this year, Chad mentioned getting tattoos for each other as gifts. I just laughed cause he has never really talked about getting a tattoo so I thought he was joking. He made it through the Navy and deployments without getting a tattoo, which is rare. But, he wasn't joking and he had a good idea of what he wanted so I said, sure and just like that we joined the ever growing ranks of the tatted.
I don't have any desire to get another one and Chad has said the same, but I'm wondering if I could convince him to keep going on up his shoulder and down his arm...
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
It comes to this.
Bullet points. Why do I default to writing in bullet points? If I could get myself to actually write more than once a week, bullet points would not seem necessary, but alas, it is where I am. My thoughts reduced to bullet points.
* Caleb is doing really well at school.
We had one major meltdown day that consisted of me leaving him crying and then going to pick him up 30 minutes later cause he wouldn't calm down. He took a nap that day and was kinda crummy feeling so I'm chalking it up on him being sick! Otherwise, he is making headway reading and is mostly excited to go each day. He has managed to time his bowel movements on several days to be the moment he gets to school, so that's been fun. You're welcome for that information.
*Getting a dog was an awesome decision. Xena has become such a part of the family that I don't really remember what it was like before having her.
*Chad and I got tattoos.
I was going to write a whole post about it and I may still, but the long and short of it is, we're happy we did it. I love mine and my mom said it best..."It's tattooed on my heart, too." So true, Momma.
*We had 3 teams from the gym travel to Omaha a few weekends ago for a CrossFit competition.
I was not planning on competing but circumstances changed so I ended up doing it and I am glad I did. My team was awesome and we had a great time. I had a good bit of anxiety leading up to it, but was really happy with how the weekend turned out. I got to spend some much needed time with some of my family too!
* On that note, my brother Jake is writing a book about our family and our loss of Luke 11 years ago.
He is going to be interviewing each of the siblings and our parents. I am excited and scared. There is a good bit of baggage from that time in my life and I've left it somewhat untouched for quite some time. The past month or more has been exceedingly difficult for many reasons and it has shown me to some degree how losing Luke and the circumstances surrounding that time have affected how I deal with stress and my relationships. I'm ready to unpack all that and Jake will be a wonderful person to do that with.
* People and relationships can be complicated. We deal with a wide range of people on a daily basis at the gym. It is one of the things I love and one of the things that can be the most difficult. We've had to make some tough choices this past month and it has made us more aware than usual of our words and actions and how those need to match. I am a firm believer that words only care weight when they match our actions. We have repeatedly tried to make sure those are one and the same. That has required us to say less and do more. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all and let actions speak for us. Our gym is a valuable part of our lives and we take it and our members seriously. It has been a bit of a complicated transition, but we are stronger and tighter as a community than ever and I'm so proud of our people.
*Haiti, Haiti, Haiti. It's on my brain, my heart all the time.
* Caleb is doing really well at school.
*Getting a dog was an awesome decision. Xena has become such a part of the family that I don't really remember what it was like before having her.
*Chad and I got tattoos.
*We had 3 teams from the gym travel to Omaha a few weekends ago for a CrossFit competition.
* On that note, my brother Jake is writing a book about our family and our loss of Luke 11 years ago.
* People and relationships can be complicated. We deal with a wide range of people on a daily basis at the gym. It is one of the things I love and one of the things that can be the most difficult. We've had to make some tough choices this past month and it has made us more aware than usual of our words and actions and how those need to match. I am a firm believer that words only care weight when they match our actions. We have repeatedly tried to make sure those are one and the same. That has required us to say less and do more. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all and let actions speak for us. Our gym is a valuable part of our lives and we take it and our members seriously. It has been a bit of a complicated transition, but we are stronger and tighter as a community than ever and I'm so proud of our people.
*Haiti, Haiti, Haiti. It's on my brain, my heart all the time.
Here are a few reasons!
And, I miss my friend, Josie!
Mathou and Roby!
Plus Junior who didn't make it in the picture!
And if I needed any more reasons.
We're going in April and it's all I can do to not put together a paper chain or mark the days off the calendar or something to help me with a countdown.
Brain dumped. Peace out.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Vision
Vision is a fascinating thing. How we see matters. What we see matters. Who we see matters.
I'm most intrigued by the how lately. Two situations can occur that are so similar, but how you see them can be the difference between peace and discord, between pain and acceptance, between reality and fabrication.
I'm on the hunt, on a mission, to see better. To not cast aside a conversation, an experience, a person, a situation without really seeing it through all the angles. In this, I hope I can see myself a little better too. There has been some time spent in my past trying to hide behind various circumstances, people, titles, jobs, emotions. I'd like to see those again. Maybe I will see them differently.
What's going on that you could possibly see differently? Who did you encounter that just needs someone to really see them?
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
10 reasons why winter sucks(followed by maybe 2 or 3 reasons it can be tolerated)
1. Its cold outside.
2. I'm not really sure why I need to go on, but I will.
3. I'm cold. All the time. Well, scratch that. I'm not cold when I'm curled up in bed with 3 blankets on top of me and I'm not cold in a skin-melting steamy hot bathtub. Otherwise I'm cold.
4. Cold makes me grumpy. It makes me suspicious of people who are happy in the winter. Like they don't have nerve endings that sense cold. Or it makes me jealous of them cause they seem to be able to feel their fingers and toes.
5. I have to wear a lot of clothes to function. For example, right now I have on 2 shirts, 1 sweatshirt, leggings, socks, boots and a stocking hat. And I'm inside my house. And I'm cold. I don't even like shoes. Or clothes for that matter. I could be a nudist. So winter sucks.
6. Imagine all the things you can accomplish in life from under a pile of blankets or in a hot bath. It's not much so I shiver my way through the days. And shivering is hard work.
7. Cars need "warming up." I find this particularly cruel. So I have to go outside to start my cold car in order to go outside in 10 minutes to get in my slightly less cold car to drive it? Yes, yes, I know there is remote start, but really? Putting a remote start in a 9 year old beat up Ford Freestyle that is heaving it's last breaths(PLEASE DIE) seems a bit ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as taking the time to "warm it up."
8. My car is horrifically dirty on the inside(and outside) during the winter because it's too cold to spend 10 minutes to clean out all the garbage/toys/french fries/socks/shoes/small children/etc. that have been left in the car since October.
9. Short days. My body doesn't really function well before 10 AM and with the sun going down early, it starts to think about bed around 5:00 PM. That's not a whole lot of time to take hot bathes and lay in my bed under the covers while imagining all the things I should be doing, like feeding my children, or educating them.
10. Coffee consumption takes on a whole life of it's own. Now this could be taken as a reason winter is awesome cause coffee is awesome, but no one likes that jittery, heart-racing coffee OD feeling. But it's cold and when it's cold, I want hot coffee. Lots of it.
The following is shared in the hopes that you don't think I'm some Debbie Downer...(which I kind of am, but only from Nov-March).
3 reasons why winter can be tolerated...
1. I can't really think of one.
2. Ok, fine. Boots. Boots are cute. I would argue they are just as cute when worn in 50+ degree weather, but I suppose they are a little cuter if there is snow on the ground or something.
3. Sweaters. I really do like sweaters. I like them even more when I have to pack them away each spring.
That's all I got, folks!
2. I'm not really sure why I need to go on, but I will.
3. I'm cold. All the time. Well, scratch that. I'm not cold when I'm curled up in bed with 3 blankets on top of me and I'm not cold in a skin-melting steamy hot bathtub. Otherwise I'm cold.
4. Cold makes me grumpy. It makes me suspicious of people who are happy in the winter. Like they don't have nerve endings that sense cold. Or it makes me jealous of them cause they seem to be able to feel their fingers and toes.
5. I have to wear a lot of clothes to function. For example, right now I have on 2 shirts, 1 sweatshirt, leggings, socks, boots and a stocking hat. And I'm inside my house. And I'm cold. I don't even like shoes. Or clothes for that matter. I could be a nudist. So winter sucks.
6. Imagine all the things you can accomplish in life from under a pile of blankets or in a hot bath. It's not much so I shiver my way through the days. And shivering is hard work.
7. Cars need "warming up." I find this particularly cruel. So I have to go outside to start my cold car in order to go outside in 10 minutes to get in my slightly less cold car to drive it? Yes, yes, I know there is remote start, but really? Putting a remote start in a 9 year old beat up Ford Freestyle that is heaving it's last breaths(PLEASE DIE) seems a bit ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as taking the time to "warm it up."
8. My car is horrifically dirty on the inside(and outside) during the winter because it's too cold to spend 10 minutes to clean out all the garbage/toys/french fries/socks/shoes/small children/etc. that have been left in the car since October.
9. Short days. My body doesn't really function well before 10 AM and with the sun going down early, it starts to think about bed around 5:00 PM. That's not a whole lot of time to take hot bathes and lay in my bed under the covers while imagining all the things I should be doing, like feeding my children, or educating them.
10. Coffee consumption takes on a whole life of it's own. Now this could be taken as a reason winter is awesome cause coffee is awesome, but no one likes that jittery, heart-racing coffee OD feeling. But it's cold and when it's cold, I want hot coffee. Lots of it.
The following is shared in the hopes that you don't think I'm some Debbie Downer...(which I kind of am, but only from Nov-March).
3 reasons why winter can be tolerated...
1. I can't really think of one.
2. Ok, fine. Boots. Boots are cute. I would argue they are just as cute when worn in 50+ degree weather, but I suppose they are a little cuter if there is snow on the ground or something.
3. Sweaters. I really do like sweaters. I like them even more when I have to pack them away each spring.
That's all I got, folks!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
It's gonna be a good day.
It took some convincing to get Caleb out the door this morning...and maybe some raised voices. He said it is the worst day ever and "this" (I'm still not sure what he meant by "this") was why he didn't want to go to school.
Thankfully, his little school is a 15 minute drive away. It took about 7 of those minutes before he stopped talking about how much he didn't want to go. The following minutes were about the refinery's smoke colors and the final minute, he said, "I wonder what I'll get to do today." I walked him inside to the gym for opening and he walked up beside his teacher and started in on the singing and motions. It was sweet to see him with his coat and backpack joining in with the other kids. I have no idea what he will say about today or if tomorrow will be as tough to get him out the door. I drove away today though and really felt like this is a good place for him. I hope he sees that too.
Thankfully, his little school is a 15 minute drive away. It took about 7 of those minutes before he stopped talking about how much he didn't want to go. The following minutes were about the refinery's smoke colors and the final minute, he said, "I wonder what I'll get to do today." I walked him inside to the gym for opening and he walked up beside his teacher and started in on the singing and motions. It was sweet to see him with his coat and backpack joining in with the other kids. I have no idea what he will say about today or if tomorrow will be as tough to get him out the door. I drove away today though and really felt like this is a good place for him. I hope he sees that too.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Quotes for my new year.
I love words. They feed something in me. People have some really lovely things to say. I need them to shift my focus, adjust my attitude, remind me of what's important. They invoke something in me that is deep and powerful.
These are some that are speaking to me right now. (Thank you, Pinterest! :) )
These are some that are speaking to me right now. (Thank you, Pinterest! :) )
Thursday, December 26, 2013
This parenting thing
We've made it no secret that our "baby" Caleb is his own breed of awesome. With every challenge comes growth and he has made us stretch and grow, people.
He is intelligent and funny and fascinating. He is one of a kind. He has a mind that operates quickly and often around numbers. He surprises me every day with what he has learned or what his thoughts revolve around. He's growing up, maturing and learning quickly. We love him like crazy.
This past semester was a difficult one for me and in turn put extra responsibilities on Elijah and Autumn. They handled it well, but it meant Caleb watched entirely too much TV and played on the computer much longer than anyone would recommend. It kept him occupied and happy while I was away here and there.
What we have realized is that he needs "things" to do. His mind must be occupied with activities or he struggles with being angry or frustrated or mean. So with much thought and prayer, we decided to send him to Kindergarten next semester. As in a little over a week.
This is a hard. I can't give him what he truly needs at this point and that is difficult for me to admit. Honestly, it's a little bit that I don't want to be his educator and a little bit that I know someone else will do a better job. He is intimidating in that arena. Strong-willed, stubborn, and brilliant. That's too much pressure for me. So, we're going to pass the baton to some very capable hands. He will go to half day Kindergarten at a little country school outside of town. I am excited for him despite his assurance that he is NOT going. I think he will thrive there. I pray those few hours each day will teach him many things I feel inadequate or unmotivated to teach him.
It's so different than what we have done with the other kids, but he is so different so it feels right. Some serious unknowns up ahead. I welcome the change and the challenge!
He is intelligent and funny and fascinating. He is one of a kind. He has a mind that operates quickly and often around numbers. He surprises me every day with what he has learned or what his thoughts revolve around. He's growing up, maturing and learning quickly. We love him like crazy.
What we have realized is that he needs "things" to do. His mind must be occupied with activities or he struggles with being angry or frustrated or mean. So with much thought and prayer, we decided to send him to Kindergarten next semester. As in a little over a week.
This is a hard. I can't give him what he truly needs at this point and that is difficult for me to admit. Honestly, it's a little bit that I don't want to be his educator and a little bit that I know someone else will do a better job. He is intimidating in that arena. Strong-willed, stubborn, and brilliant. That's too much pressure for me. So, we're going to pass the baton to some very capable hands. He will go to half day Kindergarten at a little country school outside of town. I am excited for him despite his assurance that he is NOT going. I think he will thrive there. I pray those few hours each day will teach him many things I feel inadequate or unmotivated to teach him.
It's so different than what we have done with the other kids, but he is so different so it feels right. Some serious unknowns up ahead. I welcome the change and the challenge!
Overdue
Man, this blogging thing is hit or miss, huh? More miss than hit.
I've noticed it's when I have the most going on in my head that I write the least.
Pick a topic, any topic.
Activities, relationships, struggles, Christmas, dreams, kids, choices, changes, etc. I could write a book about any of them from the past 6 weeks. The overwhelming thread through them has been deep and hidden and difficult.
These have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. And that's saying something. I don't really know how to put down the complexity of it all. Regular life marched on. School concerts, Christmas shopping and planning, trip to MO, Christmas party at the gym, day to day happenings. Behind it all though. Turmoil. Chad and I have had to come to some serious conclusions about ourselves, our choices, our relationships with each other and others. It was and still is messy and painful and complicated. Much of it has to do with the past year and was intensified by over 13 years of the way we've operated and the environment that we created with each other. Our lives have been and continue to be wonderful, but it has not been without baggage, some of it quite heavy.
Truth is we are profoundly happy. And madly in love. Which makes it all the more hard when you realize you've spent a year speaking different languages. Believing you understood each other when you didn't. Never intentionally causing pain, but doing exactly that.
I have surprised even myself with the intensity of my emotions over the past weeks. I am an intuitive, emotional person and I know myself well. These past weeks have made me question every aspect of my being. Question every thought, emotion, choice. I've contemplated how we got here and how to never go to those dark places again. It has been through painful conversations with Chad, with myself and with God, that I have come to the conclusion that there is no pain quite like anxiety and fear. It is all consuming, difficult to pull out of and easy to fall into once you have visited it.
I am not naturally fearful or anxious, which is what has surprised me about this particular situation. I'm the go-along girl. I hold tightly to the 'peace that passes all understanding.' It is one of my characteristics that is most beneficial in many ways, but leaves me wondering what it is I actually want or need. I probably say, "whatever" more than any other thing when asked my opinion on things. Yet, when I felt like my marriage was being threatened, nothing else mattered. I fought and fought hard. Sometimes with intensity that shocked me. I was not going to "go along" for the sake of getting along anymore.
And in the places that had always felt secure, insecurity settled. In my most peaceful places, anxiety arose. I felt I had no voice, no choice in the matter that mattered most to me. I was painted as overprotective, manipulative, controlling. Unfair at best and untrue at worst.
It's been a long few weeks but it's getting better. I still fight an anxiety that feels so foreign to me some days. I'm working on sustaining peace in all things. Trusting God to take charge of me and our relationship with each other and others. Chad and I are better than we have ever been. We have established boundaries around ourselves that we both agree have been missing, especially this last year with opening the gym, new job, new people, older kids. We've had to look at ourselves honestly and see where we failed each other. I don't imagine we're done growing and I'm glad. I don't want to stay stagnant. We need to keep growing however painful and we will. This chapter is still being written, but I am more confident in the Author than ever.
I've noticed it's when I have the most going on in my head that I write the least.
Pick a topic, any topic.
Activities, relationships, struggles, Christmas, dreams, kids, choices, changes, etc. I could write a book about any of them from the past 6 weeks. The overwhelming thread through them has been deep and hidden and difficult.
These have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. And that's saying something. I don't really know how to put down the complexity of it all. Regular life marched on. School concerts, Christmas shopping and planning, trip to MO, Christmas party at the gym, day to day happenings. Behind it all though. Turmoil. Chad and I have had to come to some serious conclusions about ourselves, our choices, our relationships with each other and others. It was and still is messy and painful and complicated. Much of it has to do with the past year and was intensified by over 13 years of the way we've operated and the environment that we created with each other. Our lives have been and continue to be wonderful, but it has not been without baggage, some of it quite heavy.
Truth is we are profoundly happy. And madly in love. Which makes it all the more hard when you realize you've spent a year speaking different languages. Believing you understood each other when you didn't. Never intentionally causing pain, but doing exactly that.
I have surprised even myself with the intensity of my emotions over the past weeks. I am an intuitive, emotional person and I know myself well. These past weeks have made me question every aspect of my being. Question every thought, emotion, choice. I've contemplated how we got here and how to never go to those dark places again. It has been through painful conversations with Chad, with myself and with God, that I have come to the conclusion that there is no pain quite like anxiety and fear. It is all consuming, difficult to pull out of and easy to fall into once you have visited it.
I am not naturally fearful or anxious, which is what has surprised me about this particular situation. I'm the go-along girl. I hold tightly to the 'peace that passes all understanding.' It is one of my characteristics that is most beneficial in many ways, but leaves me wondering what it is I actually want or need. I probably say, "whatever" more than any other thing when asked my opinion on things. Yet, when I felt like my marriage was being threatened, nothing else mattered. I fought and fought hard. Sometimes with intensity that shocked me. I was not going to "go along" for the sake of getting along anymore.
And in the places that had always felt secure, insecurity settled. In my most peaceful places, anxiety arose. I felt I had no voice, no choice in the matter that mattered most to me. I was painted as overprotective, manipulative, controlling. Unfair at best and untrue at worst.
It's been a long few weeks but it's getting better. I still fight an anxiety that feels so foreign to me some days. I'm working on sustaining peace in all things. Trusting God to take charge of me and our relationship with each other and others. Chad and I are better than we have ever been. We have established boundaries around ourselves that we both agree have been missing, especially this last year with opening the gym, new job, new people, older kids. We've had to look at ourselves honestly and see where we failed each other. I don't imagine we're done growing and I'm glad. I don't want to stay stagnant. We need to keep growing however painful and we will. This chapter is still being written, but I am more confident in the Author than ever.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Time marches on
I didn't really forget, I just didn't have any words for it yesterday.
Luke's birthday was yesterday and I didn't acknowledge it on Facebook and let's be real, if it's not on social media, it didn't happen, right? But his birthday did happen and I did forget it was his birthday until I saw his picture on Facebook. Then I remembered.
Then I went about my day as usual. The longer it goes, the more I forget. I never forget Luke, I just forget I should be sad that he's gone, or I should be reflecting on his life, or I forget to carry it as a "I lost my brother" banner. I forget that every new person I meet should know that about me. It was ultra defining as a young adult to lose him, but I don't know when it stopped defining me now. I miss him so much it hurts sometimes, but sometimes I forget to hurt. And I think that's ok.
I miss the opportunities we would have had to be a part of each others lives. I miss being able to tell him about my love for Haiti. Would he have gone with me sometime? I miss being able to tell him Caleb stories. Would he have had some insight or would he have just laughed with the rest of us? I miss my kids not knowing him. I miss knowing him as an adult. We're all so different than we were at 16. How would he have changed?
I use to think about him every single day. Then I'd realize I didn't think about him a day here or there. Lately I realized I only think about him occasionally. A little reminder here. A memory there. Maybe this is some sort of confession. I think I felt unconsciously for a long time that I had to think of him often or he didn't live or it didn't affect me enough. But I don't think about him some days and that doesn't take away from his life, my memories, the pain of losing him or the joy that has come after. It's all still there. The years are passing and I'll never forget him, but I won't feel guilty for not reliving the pain every birthday. I'll not feel guilty for going through a day without thinking about him.
I will, however, cherish the sweet memories and gentle reminders as they come.
Luke's birthday was yesterday and I didn't acknowledge it on Facebook and let's be real, if it's not on social media, it didn't happen, right? But his birthday did happen and I did forget it was his birthday until I saw his picture on Facebook. Then I remembered.
Then I went about my day as usual. The longer it goes, the more I forget. I never forget Luke, I just forget I should be sad that he's gone, or I should be reflecting on his life, or I forget to carry it as a "I lost my brother" banner. I forget that every new person I meet should know that about me. It was ultra defining as a young adult to lose him, but I don't know when it stopped defining me now. I miss him so much it hurts sometimes, but sometimes I forget to hurt. And I think that's ok.
I miss the opportunities we would have had to be a part of each others lives. I miss being able to tell him about my love for Haiti. Would he have gone with me sometime? I miss being able to tell him Caleb stories. Would he have had some insight or would he have just laughed with the rest of us? I miss my kids not knowing him. I miss knowing him as an adult. We're all so different than we were at 16. How would he have changed?
I use to think about him every single day. Then I'd realize I didn't think about him a day here or there. Lately I realized I only think about him occasionally. A little reminder here. A memory there. Maybe this is some sort of confession. I think I felt unconsciously for a long time that I had to think of him often or he didn't live or it didn't affect me enough. But I don't think about him some days and that doesn't take away from his life, my memories, the pain of losing him or the joy that has come after. It's all still there. The years are passing and I'll never forget him, but I won't feel guilty for not reliving the pain every birthday. I'll not feel guilty for going through a day without thinking about him.
I will, however, cherish the sweet memories and gentle reminders as they come.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Photo Dump
Beautiful fall day a few weeks back so we hiked Coronado Heights! One of the kids favorite places to explore.
Trick or Treat down Main St. is a fun annual tradition in our town!
Michael Jordan, biker girl, red ninja and Red Power Ranger had a great time!
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First annual Costume WOD! These people know how to have a good time! Wicked fun night!!
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Morning after the Costume WOD we opened the gym to be the start/finish line for a Costume 5K. Cory did the whole stinkin' thing! His friend, Leah, ran it all too! Sometimes this kid just blow me away.
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So before all this Halloween fun, we surprised Little A with her birthday/Christmas present. A trip to Florida to visit her aunt, uncle and cousins! She was speechless and so excited. This will be for me the sweetest memory. Just before we pushed back on our first flight. She turned right after I took this picture and just smiled so, so big. It was priceless time with her.
A full day at Sea World!
Mic and I waiting in line for a ride.
Sierra and I
Nathan and I (Sierra with a scary photo bomb!)
Pool time in October is a sweet deal.
Birthday girl! 11 years old
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And just because it was a sweet moment
Autumn was somewhat sick yesterday so I let her stay home, which meant she volunteered to help Cory with his schoolwork. :)
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Surprises
I hesitate writing this post. I love surprises, but nothing is worse than blowing a surprise.
I'm banking on the fact that few people read this blog and even fewer see my daughter on a regular basis.
Her birthday is the 21st of this month. And we're going to surprise her.
It's been in the works for about a month and has only worked out because of my sister's generosity. I get a little giddy thinking about it...
Autumn and I are flying on a jet plane to Florida. We'll spend 4ish days with my sister and family. My nieces don't know. My daughter does not know. My sister and I are trying to keep it under wraps until the day we fly out.
We decided last Christmas after spending more than we ever had on a cool "big" gift for the kids that they destroyed in a matter of weeks, that we are no longer doing big gifts. At least until they are much older and less destructive. So, our gifts will be experiences. This is Autumn's birthday and Christmas gift (and really should be my gift, as well!)
We have some other ideas in the works for the other kids and it will be fun to experience those as well.
Autumn thinks we're going to Missouri to celebrate with her friends there and my parents. It's a nice cover since my mom is watching the boys while we're gone.
So if you see her, ask about her trip to Missouri, but DO NOT mention Florida!! Gosh, I love surprises!
I'm banking on the fact that few people read this blog and even fewer see my daughter on a regular basis.
Her birthday is the 21st of this month. And we're going to surprise her.
It's been in the works for about a month and has only worked out because of my sister's generosity. I get a little giddy thinking about it...
Autumn and I are flying on a jet plane to Florida. We'll spend 4ish days with my sister and family. My nieces don't know. My daughter does not know. My sister and I are trying to keep it under wraps until the day we fly out.
We decided last Christmas after spending more than we ever had on a cool "big" gift for the kids that they destroyed in a matter of weeks, that we are no longer doing big gifts. At least until they are much older and less destructive. So, our gifts will be experiences. This is Autumn's birthday and Christmas gift (and really should be my gift, as well!)
We have some other ideas in the works for the other kids and it will be fun to experience those as well.
Autumn thinks we're going to Missouri to celebrate with her friends there and my parents. It's a nice cover since my mom is watching the boys while we're gone.
So if you see her, ask about her trip to Missouri, but DO NOT mention Florida!! Gosh, I love surprises!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Runaway freight train
Full steam ahead is about the only way I can describe these past few weeks.
Days are full, housework is way behind, 12 year old is self-educating, 10 year old is running the house most evenings, 8 year old is getting school in twice a week if we're lucky, and 5 year old has been watching entirely too much SpongeBob Squarepants and I vaguely remember what my husband looks like.
But, we're making it. The housework will inevitably always exist. The 12 year rates his "happiness" very high, the 10 year old has some mad skills at being in charge, the 8 year old doesn't mind the free days and is still making progress and the 5 year old is happy to sit around in his underwear most days with Legos, boxes and TV to entertain. As for the husband, well, this won't last forever, right?
The truth is I don't know how we would do this without a good bit of prayer, clutch friendships, ultra responsible, easy-going kids, and for me, the knowledge that there is always a little respite around the corner. A weekend at my parents, Chad's days off, a coffee date with friends, anything that reminds me that we're all good.
This weekend, we're going to my parents to speak at my dad's congregation's mission festival about Haiti. It is what I love to do. Every bit of me wants to share a little piece of my heart and hope for our friends there. I'm so thankful to have the opportunities to do that.
It also means a full day tomorrow of nothing on the agenda. Just my mom, dad and grandmas to chat with, a nap to take and pictures and slideshows to touch up. A respite.
We're making it. Some days I'm entirely overwhelmed and others I'm oblivious to the quantity we push through. I won't be sad when this semester is over!
Days are full, housework is way behind, 12 year old is self-educating, 10 year old is running the house most evenings, 8 year old is getting school in twice a week if we're lucky, and 5 year old has been watching entirely too much SpongeBob Squarepants and I vaguely remember what my husband looks like.
But, we're making it. The housework will inevitably always exist. The 12 year rates his "happiness" very high, the 10 year old has some mad skills at being in charge, the 8 year old doesn't mind the free days and is still making progress and the 5 year old is happy to sit around in his underwear most days with Legos, boxes and TV to entertain. As for the husband, well, this won't last forever, right?
The truth is I don't know how we would do this without a good bit of prayer, clutch friendships, ultra responsible, easy-going kids, and for me, the knowledge that there is always a little respite around the corner. A weekend at my parents, Chad's days off, a coffee date with friends, anything that reminds me that we're all good.
This weekend, we're going to my parents to speak at my dad's congregation's mission festival about Haiti. It is what I love to do. Every bit of me wants to share a little piece of my heart and hope for our friends there. I'm so thankful to have the opportunities to do that.
It also means a full day tomorrow of nothing on the agenda. Just my mom, dad and grandmas to chat with, a nap to take and pictures and slideshows to touch up. A respite.
We're making it. Some days I'm entirely overwhelmed and others I'm oblivious to the quantity we push through. I won't be sad when this semester is over!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Idealist Champion
I had a perfect weekend in Omaha. I spent time with some of my siblings which is always so grounding and comforting. I talk somewhat often to my sisters, but I don't regularly talk with my brothers. We chat occasionally or never and see each other when we see each other. That being said, it always just feels normal around them. I feel like me.
I spent a bit of time chatting with my sister-in-law who may be the most chill, calming presence walking this Earth and we started talking about personalities, as this is a favorite topic of hers. She mentioned the Keirsey personality test, which I know I have taken in the past, but couldn't recall what my results were. Anyway, the past few weeks and months have been particularly taxing and it was great to talk about maybe why I am the way I am, which could explain a bit about why I've been stressed, but without really recognizing it as such.
So, long story short, I retook the Keirsey test and light bulbs flipped on above my head and a lot of nodding took place as I read through my personality.
Here is the link for the description of my personality. http://keirsey.com/4temps/champion.asp
You can register and take the test yourself from there if you've never taken or want to take it again. You might find out some interesting things about yourself!
I am an Idealist Champion (ENFP), which is apparently quite rare. 3-4% of the population share this. Something interesting?? Both my sister, Grace and my brother, Jake are the same. Could be why I feel so at home with them! We speak each other's personality language!
It may also be why I often feel alone in my thoughts. I am truly an idealist to the core. I believe people have a huge capacity for good. I think any situation can be a positive one. I often wish people would see the world through a bigger lens. One that is covered with compassion and mercy.
My thoughts are more often than not consumed by people. My inner dialogue is laced with thoughts and prayers for people. People I saw today or someone I was close with 20 years ago all have a hold. If at one time, you and I were close friends, I would venture to guess I think of you every single day. I semi-joked with Chad that I should write down each person I think of in a day. It would take up pages. I do not know why I'm wired this way. I carry people around in my mind. I invest in them emotionally without them ever knowing. I am thankful for this in many ways, as it keeps my mind busy with what I am sure is more valuable than what I would think about otherwise. But, it can be exhausting. Especially when I don't feel like I have enough time to draw some strength and build my reserves.
I find this all very interesting at almost 33, to feel like I'm still figuring myself out. I wonder what I'll learn at 43? Or 53?
I spent a bit of time chatting with my sister-in-law who may be the most chill, calming presence walking this Earth and we started talking about personalities, as this is a favorite topic of hers. She mentioned the Keirsey personality test, which I know I have taken in the past, but couldn't recall what my results were. Anyway, the past few weeks and months have been particularly taxing and it was great to talk about maybe why I am the way I am, which could explain a bit about why I've been stressed, but without really recognizing it as such.
So, long story short, I retook the Keirsey test and light bulbs flipped on above my head and a lot of nodding took place as I read through my personality.
Here is the link for the description of my personality. http://keirsey.com/4temps/champion.asp
You can register and take the test yourself from there if you've never taken or want to take it again. You might find out some interesting things about yourself!
I am an Idealist Champion (ENFP), which is apparently quite rare. 3-4% of the population share this. Something interesting?? Both my sister, Grace and my brother, Jake are the same. Could be why I feel so at home with them! We speak each other's personality language!
It may also be why I often feel alone in my thoughts. I am truly an idealist to the core. I believe people have a huge capacity for good. I think any situation can be a positive one. I often wish people would see the world through a bigger lens. One that is covered with compassion and mercy.
My thoughts are more often than not consumed by people. My inner dialogue is laced with thoughts and prayers for people. People I saw today or someone I was close with 20 years ago all have a hold. If at one time, you and I were close friends, I would venture to guess I think of you every single day. I semi-joked with Chad that I should write down each person I think of in a day. It would take up pages. I do not know why I'm wired this way. I carry people around in my mind. I invest in them emotionally without them ever knowing. I am thankful for this in many ways, as it keeps my mind busy with what I am sure is more valuable than what I would think about otherwise. But, it can be exhausting. Especially when I don't feel like I have enough time to draw some strength and build my reserves.
I find this all very interesting at almost 33, to feel like I'm still figuring myself out. I wonder what I'll learn at 43? Or 53?
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Running away
I have, over the years, had the urge to run away. There are times that it all just feels too heavy. And somehow running away seems like the only way to lighten the load. There were many, many times I couldn't run away. I had to stand and face it all. My failures and heartaches, my loneliness in the chaos, my fears and insecurities. And I'm thankful for those times because they were faith-shaping and skin-thickening and mind-stretching.
Tomorrow, though, I'm running. Cause I can. My little sister is just a few short hours away and it is a safe haven if ever there was one. I will unload some mental baggage and drink plenty of wine and figure out all the world's problems, at least for a time.
I expect to come back with just as much to do and more, but hopefully with some margin, emotionally. The crazy schedule really is holding out well and I haven't felt too overwhelmed with that yet. It just doesn't leave me with a whole lot of space to fail. And I do fail and it's hard. I need a moment to buffer it all a bit and Grace (there is not another name that would suit her more) is waiting with open arms.
Tomorrow, though, I'm running. Cause I can. My little sister is just a few short hours away and it is a safe haven if ever there was one. I will unload some mental baggage and drink plenty of wine and figure out all the world's problems, at least for a time.
I expect to come back with just as much to do and more, but hopefully with some margin, emotionally. The crazy schedule really is holding out well and I haven't felt too overwhelmed with that yet. It just doesn't leave me with a whole lot of space to fail. And I do fail and it's hard. I need a moment to buffer it all a bit and Grace (there is not another name that would suit her more) is waiting with open arms.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Homeschooling a 7th grader
I don't know how other people homeschool. It's one of those great mysteries. I've talked to other homeschoolers and it seems some other people may have similar experiences, but there is really no way to know since I'm not there.
I suppose it depends on the primary teacher, the students, the schedules. I happen to love our "schedule" which consists of no schedule at all. Elijah has proved to be extremely efficient when he wants to be.
Meaning he did a weeks worth of school yesterday. Took him about 7 hours. I mentioned that I think he needs to work at least 3 days a week in some capacity cause it just seems wrong to do school one day a week. Or he needs to find a job.
He kinda grinned and said ok. "Maybe I can get 2 or 3 weeks worth done in a few days."
Its possible this relaxed, breezy schedule will get old for him at some point. We'll deal with that when it comes.
I suppose it depends on the primary teacher, the students, the schedules. I happen to love our "schedule" which consists of no schedule at all. Elijah has proved to be extremely efficient when he wants to be.
Meaning he did a weeks worth of school yesterday. Took him about 7 hours. I mentioned that I think he needs to work at least 3 days a week in some capacity cause it just seems wrong to do school one day a week. Or he needs to find a job.
He kinda grinned and said ok. "Maybe I can get 2 or 3 weeks worth done in a few days."
Its possible this relaxed, breezy schedule will get old for him at some point. We'll deal with that when it comes.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
To-do
Here we go...
My to-do list.
I use to make these lists to help me get all the housework and errands done.
Or the projects around the house that I wanted to do.
Or the books I wanted to read.
Or the meals I needed to cook.
Now it looks a little something like this...
1. Focus on this moment.
2. Now focus on this moment.
3. Now you can focus on this moment.
4. Repeat.
You get the idea. I cannot think about anything past this moment. Except to the extent it prepares me for the next moment.
It's good, right? Yep.
Except when I get ahead of it. When I look through the next few days, I want to cry. If I stupidly look through the next week, I'll never get out of bed. I can be paralyzed by busyness. Slightly busy is energizing. Too busy is debilitating.
And the tight rope walk is on.
My to-do list.
I use to make these lists to help me get all the housework and errands done.
Or the projects around the house that I wanted to do.
Or the books I wanted to read.
Or the meals I needed to cook.
Now it looks a little something like this...
1. Focus on this moment.
2. Now focus on this moment.
3. Now you can focus on this moment.
4. Repeat.
You get the idea. I cannot think about anything past this moment. Except to the extent it prepares me for the next moment.
It's good, right? Yep.
Except when I get ahead of it. When I look through the next few days, I want to cry. If I stupidly look through the next week, I'll never get out of bed. I can be paralyzed by busyness. Slightly busy is energizing. Too busy is debilitating.
And the tight rope walk is on.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
"Camp"less
I've got some rather personal thoughts on education and my current frustrations with "the system." This includes the public, private and homeschool "systems."
We're in a bit of a odd position this year. Elijah is homeschooling for 7th grade, Autumn is attending 5th grade at a public school, Cory is homeschooling 2nd grade, and Caleb will be doing some Kindergarten stuff at home. We've had a mix like this for the past several years and its worked so far. But what it doesn't afford us is a "camp" to settle in.
I didn't know this until the past few weeks, but with Elijah doing online school, we are not "homeschoolers." Who'd a' thought!?! And, even though his online school is a "public" school, we're also not "public schoolers." We are apparently not welcome in either camp from an activities standpoint.
This all came about in trying to find a place Elijah could play basketball this winter. Middle school won't allow it because he's not a student in the building and homeschool groups won't allow it because the schooling we are doing is from a public source. Needless to say, I'm super frustrated with the whole stupid thing. It comes down to a money trail, a fight for fairness by organizations, a "definition" of education, and where that takes place and apparently we fit nowhere.
It makes me crazy, if I'm honest with myself, because it's my kid that is getting the shaft. It's my kid that is selflessly giving up something he LOVES because he understands the importance of a good education. One he was not getting at the middle school and one I cannot give him without some help from an online "public" school. He is mature beyond his years and he'll be ok. And we know it's just basketball, but he has big dreams and goals in the classroom and on the court and I will not be the one to stand in the way of either of those things.
So for now, we wait. We wait and watch and research. We may fight for it next year in one arena or the other. What I find so painfully frustrating is that we have to fight for this in the first place. When did public education lay down with athletics to the point that they are inseparable? When did the definition of "homeschooling" become so convoluted? When did they put themselves on opposite sides of the fence, rather than seeing themselves on the same side? If I've learned anything through having kids in different school settings is that everyone really is trying to do their best. Schools are trying to do the best they can with the mess they have. Parents who homeschool are just trying to do their best with the messes they have.
It's not simple, but it doesn't have to be so complicated.
We're in a bit of a odd position this year. Elijah is homeschooling for 7th grade, Autumn is attending 5th grade at a public school, Cory is homeschooling 2nd grade, and Caleb will be doing some Kindergarten stuff at home. We've had a mix like this for the past several years and its worked so far. But what it doesn't afford us is a "camp" to settle in.
I didn't know this until the past few weeks, but with Elijah doing online school, we are not "homeschoolers." Who'd a' thought!?! And, even though his online school is a "public" school, we're also not "public schoolers." We are apparently not welcome in either camp from an activities standpoint.
This all came about in trying to find a place Elijah could play basketball this winter. Middle school won't allow it because he's not a student in the building and homeschool groups won't allow it because the schooling we are doing is from a public source. Needless to say, I'm super frustrated with the whole stupid thing. It comes down to a money trail, a fight for fairness by organizations, a "definition" of education, and where that takes place and apparently we fit nowhere.
It makes me crazy, if I'm honest with myself, because it's my kid that is getting the shaft. It's my kid that is selflessly giving up something he LOVES because he understands the importance of a good education. One he was not getting at the middle school and one I cannot give him without some help from an online "public" school. He is mature beyond his years and he'll be ok. And we know it's just basketball, but he has big dreams and goals in the classroom and on the court and I will not be the one to stand in the way of either of those things.
So for now, we wait. We wait and watch and research. We may fight for it next year in one arena or the other. What I find so painfully frustrating is that we have to fight for this in the first place. When did public education lay down with athletics to the point that they are inseparable? When did the definition of "homeschooling" become so convoluted? When did they put themselves on opposite sides of the fence, rather than seeing themselves on the same side? If I've learned anything through having kids in different school settings is that everyone really is trying to do their best. Schools are trying to do the best they can with the mess they have. Parents who homeschool are just trying to do their best with the messes they have.
It's not simple, but it doesn't have to be so complicated.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
3...2...1...GO...
If you read my blog with any kind of regularity, then you know I've wrote a few times about margin and knowing your limits and saying no sometimes to give yourself some space, especially if you have littles.
Lies. All of it.
I'm kidding! All that is super duper true. And I'm about to embark on what will be months and could be years of knowingly, willingly, strategically pushing out of those margins that I love so much. It could be a disaster. There will be tears and anguish and lots of questions on my part of, "Is this worth it?" I'm gonna guess that some days the answer will be no and some days yes. But, I hope, in the end, the answer is yes, yes, yes.
I'm starting school tomorrow. I'll be taking 7 credit hours. A one credit Basic Concepts which I think they require to weed out the people that don't really want to study Human Anatomy and Physiology. And 6 credits of Human A&P and Lab. Manageable, right?
What these next months will hopefully look like is a steady 6-10 credits each semester until I am finished with a Physical Therapy Assistant degree.
I don't imagine I'll have much margin to give. I pray my husband understands and my kids understand and my friends and family understand that I've never done anything like this. I've never tried to tackle this kind of life for a long period of time. I don't know how it will go. I hope it goes well. That my walls are wider than I think. That I can still be a good wife and mother, a decent friend to most and a good friend to a few. That I can keep up and keep in touch. That I don't cry too much or worry too much.
That's my hope and prayer. That although it's a lot, that it won't be too much.
Lies. All of it.
I'm kidding! All that is super duper true. And I'm about to embark on what will be months and could be years of knowingly, willingly, strategically pushing out of those margins that I love so much. It could be a disaster. There will be tears and anguish and lots of questions on my part of, "Is this worth it?" I'm gonna guess that some days the answer will be no and some days yes. But, I hope, in the end, the answer is yes, yes, yes.
I'm starting school tomorrow. I'll be taking 7 credit hours. A one credit Basic Concepts which I think they require to weed out the people that don't really want to study Human Anatomy and Physiology. And 6 credits of Human A&P and Lab. Manageable, right?
What these next months will hopefully look like is a steady 6-10 credits each semester until I am finished with a Physical Therapy Assistant degree.
I don't imagine I'll have much margin to give. I pray my husband understands and my kids understand and my friends and family understand that I've never done anything like this. I've never tried to tackle this kind of life for a long period of time. I don't know how it will go. I hope it goes well. That my walls are wider than I think. That I can still be a good wife and mother, a decent friend to most and a good friend to a few. That I can keep up and keep in touch. That I don't cry too much or worry too much.
That's my hope and prayer. That although it's a lot, that it won't be too much.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Never boring.
Baby is 5 today. His antics are many. His laugh is contagious. His words are endless. His snuggles are precious.
Caleb came into this world in the calm of our house, in the quiet of a Saturday morning. And rocked our world.
He has always been a challenge and with each one, he pushed us to be more patient, more selfless, and increased our ability to function on no sleep.
He's an endless source of humor and embarrassment.
In fact, in honor of his birthday, I have two fun little stories for you...
The other day our neighbor girl came running in the house out of breath. She said, breathing hard, "My heart is beating so fast! Here, Caleb, feel my heart." He did and then sat back down at the table. A full minute later, he says, "Mom, those things you call boobs, that's actually your heart."
Um, no.
And this morning...out of nowhere, "Cory told me one time that girls pee out of their butts."
Um, no.
It's never boring with Caleb in the house. :)
Caleb came into this world in the calm of our house, in the quiet of a Saturday morning. And rocked our world.
He has always been a challenge and with each one, he pushed us to be more patient, more selfless, and increased our ability to function on no sleep.
He's an endless source of humor and embarrassment.
In fact, in honor of his birthday, I have two fun little stories for you...
The other day our neighbor girl came running in the house out of breath. She said, breathing hard, "My heart is beating so fast! Here, Caleb, feel my heart." He did and then sat back down at the table. A full minute later, he says, "Mom, those things you call boobs, that's actually your heart."
Um, no.
And this morning...out of nowhere, "Cory told me one time that girls pee out of their butts."
Um, no.
It's never boring with Caleb in the house. :)
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