Life's an adventure!

We're home.  Without our car.
Turns out it's pretty banged up.  To the point that the insurance co. needs to go check it out and decide if they want to total it.
So, my parents, in all their gracious kindness, borrowed a van yesterday and hauled our brood 4 hours home only to turn around and drive 4 hours back.  Saints, these people.
At every turn of this saga, one of my parents would say with a big grin and a hug, "Life's an adventure."
Never were more true words said.
I've been mulling that over the past day or so.  I attribute my "rollin' with it" attitude to them.  It is the thing about myself that I may appreciate more then anything else.  It has saved me endless stress, I'm sure.  And, if I'm honest, it is the one thing that can get pretty annoying too.  Sometimes I get tired of rolllin' with it.  I'd kinda like to whine and complain and make a big stupid deal about something.  And I do occasionally.  It feels good to whine...for about 2 seconds.
The conclusion I've come to is that it takes too much energy to whine for very long.  I have an extremely limited amount of energy and conservation is what keeps me going...and coffee.
I like this adventure we're living.  I'd rather it be a little less adventuresome at times, but most of this crazy we chose so we keep rollin'! 

Merry Christmas

As I'm sitting at my parents' this morning, not going to church, without Chad and half our Christmas presents at home, I'm reminded, yet again, that our best laid plans are sometimes interrupted.

The plan was to go home yesterday morning in time to get to the gym and for Chad to get to work on time.  Our plans were derailed with an incident involving a deer the evening before.  Bambi's mom (sorry!!) decided to jump in front of our car and did what we thought was manageable damage.  The next morning, Christmas Eve, we made it about 30 minutes down the road when we concluded we weren't making it home without a mechanic's help.  After stalling at the top of an off ramp, pushing the car into a truck stop and some help from the cashiers, we found a mechanic that was actually open on Christmas Eve.

At this point we were still hopeful we would get home that night, as we thought the damage was a coolant line.

Turns out we busted our radiator beyond repair and our car had a rare setup that requires the car to be essentially dismantled in order to replace a radiator.  Poor mechanic was so kind.  I felt horrible that he was here on Christmas Eve working.  He said it would be the evening before he would get it done as the new radiator wouldn't get in til 130.  So, mom, dad and Dan came and got us and we headed back to my parents, without our luggage/stuff, thinking we would be back that evening.

Phone call around 130.  Wrong radiator came in and now the car wouldn't get fixed til Wednesday morning.
With Chad having to work and a now HEFTY bill for the car, we had to get Chad home.  My parents, again, selfless and beyond kind, offered their car for him to take.  So he took off for home and the kids and I are here til Wednesday with only our clothes we are wearing, when we'll get the car, pay the bill(ugh), and head home.

Now the good parts...we get a few more days at my parents.  Never a bad thing.  My mom's dear friend down the road heard we were without most of our presents and delivered a bag of gifts for the kids and one for me!!  Tears ensued.  My sweet friend had given us her camera to give to Autumn when she heard that is what she wanted.  I was able to go pick it up and wrap it for her to have here! Being the procrastinator I am, I still had a few things left to get and was able to pick those up so the kids did have a few things to open.

It's easy to throw a pity party, but I can't stay there. I'm bummed we aren't together on Christmas.  I'm bummed our "big" present is at home.  I'm bummed Chad is at home alone on Christmas, although he'll sleep the day away since he has to work tonight.  I'm bummed I didn't think to grab extra clothes so my boys are in PJs til Wednesday and I'm in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt.  I'm bummed we aren't in church this morning because I'm too proud to take my kids to church in their PJs(I know! No one would care.) 

But really and truly, its ok.  Pity parties make me grumpy, anyway. We are warm, loved, and cared for.  We are quite literally out of money, but we're safe.  We're not together, but it's not the first time, and we'll celebrate on Wednesday.  We were blessed beyond measure by friends and family.  My kids are super low maintainence at my parents which is a welcome break for this over-worked momma.  I'm so very grateful for this day.  This unplanned, interrupted, not what I expected Christmas day. 
Merry Christmas!!

Evil

It's several days now since Sandy Hook Elementary was shot up by a lone gunman.  It's what every one is talking about.  Every news outlet leads with a story about this town in Connecticut that I'm sure I would have never heard of had this not happened.  Newtown.

Everyone seems to have an opinion, a thought, a prayer, a solution, or a reason.  I have nothing.  Literally nothing, but what I heard said in a news story that "evil visited" that school that day.  That resonated with me as the only thing.  The only opinion, thought, prayer or reason that could for one second make sense of the senseless.

We as a society don't do well with things that don't make sense. 
We want things to fit together nicely.  Nothing about shooting 20 kindergarteners and 6 adults can be understood.  Evil.  Pure evil in the shape of a 20 year old boy with a crazed mind.  There is no comfort in that. 

I think of those babies and the adults who tried to stand in his way, how that community is shattered.  I think about the gunman's family and how they must have struggled with him throughout his life.  I think about my babies and how I quite literally can't protect them from evil on my own.  And, there can be no comfort outside of Jesus in this mess.  I can't logically understand how God could allow this to happen.  I can't in good faith provide any sort of reason or opinion on why those children and adults were killed.  All I know is that when tragedy beyond understanding comes upon us, we can only find peace that passes understanding in Christ.  It's not easy.  It's not logical.  And it does not fit nicely with the emotions of 26 senseless murders, but it is the only place I feel safe. 

Willpower

I am seriously trying to use willpower to keep myself from getting horribly sick and I think I'm failing.
There are horror stories going around town about the kind of nastiness that is sweeping through the schools.  Only 6 out of 21 kids in a class one day.  Violent vomiting.  Influenza A and B.
Caleb was sick for about 2 days this past week and he likes to get up close and personal when he's feeling puny.  I'm sure if there were germs that wanted me to be sick, I've got 'em.
I'm right on that line of getting nasty sick and just moderately but still functioning sick.
I will not get sick.  I will not get sick. I will not get sick.
Who has time to get sick?? Not me!! 
So I will drink my tea, go to sleep and pray I feel semi-normal in the morning.

Gym Rat

The majority of my childhood/teen years were spent in a gym.  Basketball gym.  My dad always coached and I played or my brothers played or sister played.  We were in the gym ALOT.
I loved it.  To this day walking into my old high school gym floods me with good, happy emotions.  I love the sounds of sneakers squeaking on the gym floor, shouts and hollers echoing off the walls, the smell of the waxed floors. 

This adventure of starting a CrossFit gym is beginning to conjure up those same feelings and connections.  Our first week has been really incredible.  We super love our initial groupies and are excited about our newbies starting!
I find myself wanting to go down the street to the gym.  Where I use to grab a ball and shoot around at the basketball gym, now I sit on the rower for a few 100 meters, do a few pull-ups, and work on some Olympic lifts.  I love hearing the door open and our people coming in for their wod.  I love hearing them joke and chat together as they get warmed up.  I love coaching.
I am certain that may wane some as time goes on...or maybe it won't. We're still honeymooning right now :)  What I am sure about is we're really happy we ventured down this path. And I super like being a gym rat again.

Mystery solved

Mr. Groves, a retired school teacher and recent widower, comes to the coffee shop every morning and sometimes for lunch.  He quickly became my favorite and I believe the feeling was mutual.  He has such a beautiful demeanor about him. He radiates a gentle spirit and we became fast friends.  He tirelessly plays UNO with the boys when they come and took a particular liking to Autumn. 
So when he decided to tell me this morning that he was our anonymous donor, I really was not surprised.  It is just something he would do.  The reason he told me was because he wanted me to know that he really does care for our family and he and his wife had done this every Christmas and he was so happy to do it.
So I did get to cry and thank this sweet man who really not only made our Christmas season extra special, but I told him where some of that money went so he knew that his generosity affected children and families he has never known!

Anonymous

I honestly do not know why some people do some things. Good things, bad things, nothings.
We have been the recipients of many a good things. 
Yesterday, I stepped out on the porch to grab the mail, sat on the couch and opened a few Christmas cards (Seriously, people??  It's the first week of Dec.  How do you get these done??  Never, not once have I done Christmas cards. It's sad.)
Anyway, one did not have a return address and the card had a cute German shepherd in the snow on the front...and 6 $100 dollar bills in it!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even kidding.  WHO does THAT????????
I'm still in shock and honestly humbled beyond words.  We knowingly stretched ourselves tight this year with opening a business, but this kindness goes beyond our needs!  I immediately put that $ in the bank and sent a good chunk to where our heart is, House of Love and Hope in Haiti. 
What a ripple affect this person created??  I hate that I can't hug this person and cry and tell them thank you.  That is what my heart wants, but with an anonymous gifts, I'm out of luck.  So I will be keeping my eyes and ears open to "re-gift" some of this kindness shown to us!! :-)
Merry Christmas!!

Confession

Hi, my name is Sarah and I am not a morning person.  Basically anything before 7:00 a.m. hurts.  Sometimes really badly. 

Maybe if I got up at that time enough, I would become a morning person, you say? Nope.  I have had my share of mornings to test this out.
Most recently, I have tested this theory out as we offer a 6:15 a.m. class at CrossFit Pathos and with Chad at work at that time some days and our friend/fellow trainer, Anna, in a different town, that means little non-morning person me will teach some of those times.  Chad was laughing at me this morning as he left for work and I dragged myself to the bathroom at 5:20 a.m.  I was a sorry sight.

Really and truly, it's fine.  I can fake being happy to be up before the sun.  And if I'm going to get up that early there are worse things to get up for then something I truly enjoy like coaching CrossFit. 
I am just one of those people that believe not much should take place before noon.  Very few things actually. Getting out of bed before noon is probably good.  Eating breakfast before noon, also beneficial.  Um, I can't really think of anything else.

And so in the hopes of "being real." I just wanted to get that out there.  Those of you who know me already know this, but still.  It's valuable information to repeat. 
My name is Sarah and I am not a morning person.

Blood, sweat and tears

Starting a business is no easy task.  I knew that heading into the beast, but it really has gone smoothly.  A few hiccups here and there, but nothing major.
I was in tears on Tuesday due to computer issues that were holding up the single document that would allow us to sign our lease and move forward. It was a painful reminder of how dependent we are on technology!
This weekend we literally poured blood and sweat into getting the building ready for Monday.  My hands are pretty banged up from mishaps with tools or dragging rubber flooring, but I was very glad for my already calloused hands!
And I can honestly say our CrossFit training played right into the set up of the gym!  Functional training usage at its best!!

 

We spent the large majority of our time cleaning, prepping, planning, cleaning, setting up, cleaning, organizing, and did I mention cleaning??
This place was D.I.R.T.Y!  Dirt and grime, dust and debris. 
We were covered in filth the first day and a little less filth the second day. We're hoping with a few more spray downs, mop ups, and more flooring down the road, we'll be able to keep it relatively neat.
We are so ready to get this going and hope that our gym is an integral part of this community for a LONG time!

 

On the brink.

We've been sitting here on the brink of this new adventure for what seems like an eternity, but in actuality has only been a few months. 
We are so close to diving in to our new CrossFit gym. 
It's exhausting, exhilarating, and daunting. 
It's a lot of moolah up front.  It's trusting that moolah will come back around on the other side.
It's me squelching a lot of "what ifs", "I don't knows" and "I can'ts".
It's a lot of talk, rehash, re-evaluate, talk, "CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!", rest, discuss, decide...

My prayer is that people will see in Chad and I a pure desire to help others.  That this is not a trend.  That CrossFit is more then the latest fitness bandwagon. That improved fitness is possible with any subset of people.  I hope this reaches wide in our community.

There is no way I would have thought a few years back that this was in our future.  I've become quite accustomed to not trying to figure out our future.  Generally that means I try to keep super low expectations.  With this though, in the quiet places of my mind, they are high.
I hope we reach the heights.

Laundry

I would like to apologize beforehand. 

Scene: Me laying on the bed looking at my phone.
           Chad getting ready to work out.

Chad: "I think my abs are almost back to normal," as he raises his shirt to reveal his washboard abs.  "Can you massage them a little though?"
Me: "It's hard to massage stone, babe."
Chad: "Yeah. Anyone need some laundry done around here?"

This is my world. 

Genius

Scene: Coloring in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle coloring book with Caleb.  Caleb hands me a red and a yellow.
Me: Caleb, what color will these two make?
Caleb: Orange.
Me: Wow, Caleb.  That's right. You're smarter then some kindergarteners.
Caleb: I know.  It's cuz I'm a genius.

Well, there you have it.  We have a genius.

For the love of smart people

Some people have good ideas.  Some people have great ideas.  People like me like to use other people's ideas.
Hence, why I like Pinterest.  I am not an idea's person.  I'm good with someone else coming up with something genius and using it! 
So, the latest genius idea that came from someone else that I've come across is Pure Charity!
Oh my stinkin' goodness.  It's so smart, it hurts.  Lots of bloggers I read have jumped on this one and I wanted to spread the word too.  My blog reach is SUPER limited, but if all 4 of you tell a few people then SOMEONE will join, right??!!?
So go to Pure Charity, create an account, register your card or cards, download the online app and get to making some moolah for charity.  I was blown away by all the online retailers that are a part of this.  Big names. Walmart, Target, Lowes, Home Depot, Sephora, Best Buy, Gap.  ENDLESS!!!  You could literally spend every penny of every purchase for the rest of your life at one of the stores.  AND get $ to give to any of the projects listed! JACKPOT!
What's cool too is you can just put some money in your account whenever too.  So if you want to give $20 to a project, just go ahead.  No shopping required.
Genius, people, pure genius.  Now if I can just get ahold of someone there so I can figure out how to get the orphanage up as a project, I'll be comatose with excitement!
Go.  Do it.  Now. Or at least tell someone else to do it!

Awe

Do you ever look at your own life or maybe someone else's in awe?  
Maybe its because they seem to have it all together and it's hard to imagine them yelling at their kids, having a dirty house or a real care in the world and you're in awe that they keep it all together.

Maybe it's because they have succumbed to the stress life can produce and are wrapped up in alcohol, drugs or maybe seemingly more benign vices, like body image issues or food addictions and you're in awe because pain and stress can pull someone so far from themselves.

Maybe it's because they are thrown nearly every imaginable trial and still get up every morning.  Smile and laugh occasionally. And live on in the face of heartbreaking pain.

Anymore, I am rarely in awe of the first example because I think it rarely holds true. 
I am sometimes in awe at how painful it is to watch someone self-destruct. Not in a self-righteous way, but in a manner that makes me want to meet them in their pain somehow.

But I am never more in awe than when I see someone fight for sanity, for peace, for life, for health against all the odds.  I am in awe at people that want to make the trivial important when so many literally have to convince themselves that tomorrow is worth it.

I am in awe tonight.  Not of myself, but of another. She takes the pain because she has no choice. And she will be the first to tell you she'd gladly choose otherwise. She would happily pass on any one burden she carries.
She wouldn't agree, but it's beyond understanding how she handles her ever changing world, the emotions, the pain, the good and the bad. 
There are moments I have no words of comfort, no way to ease the burdens, no means to make it better, but I stand in awe as she chooses to take on the next day.  Believe me, it's awe-worthy.

Photo Dump!

Bruises from kettlebell snatches that I apparently don't do properly. 

Running with the post of a horseshoe game + falling on concrete=ER visit.

No stitches!  We had a very lengthy conversation prior to the doctor coming. in which I tried to convince him that if the Hulk hurt his hand, he would let the doctor fix it and thereby default, Caleb should let the doctor fix his hand, as well.  Caleb was unconvinced by this logic, as Hulk doesn't do anything he doesn't want and Caleb did not want stitches.
Guess we both won that one, right?

Lucky #7.  I love watching this boy play sports.  Kinda makes me giddy.

My current chalkboard.  Something I need to hear E.V.E.R.Y day.

Oh baby love.  Not a bad reason to go to Virginia for a few days, aye?

Beautiful beach girls!

Many, many hours spent along this coastline. Made me very nostalgic for the "early years" of our marriage. 

Halloween 2012-like no other. 

Batgirl, 80s rocker, ninja, "wacky boy"(I didn't really get it either), army guy (or navy special forces guy), red dragon, red ninja, and Venom without the mask.
A motley crew to say the least. 

Halloween, again? 

Nope.  Just another day in the life of Cory Luke.  He has been wearing this nearly every day for about a week now.  The glasses just put me over the edge :)

Ran an errand and left Cory to do some handwriting.  This was taped to the door upon my return. 1. Beautiful handwriting for the little guy. 2. He taped the pen with it so I could "star" the best ones.

Oh! Hello again.

Where does the time go?  I am telling you, it feels like my last post was just a few days ago, but it's been weeks. WEEKS!! 
I don't know how to catch up on weeks. 
Little things happened.  Big things happened. 
So here's a recap and hopefully I can be a little more on top of things in the coming weeks (we all know not to hold our breath on that one, right?)...
I came back from VA with a nasty cold.  It didn't settle in really bad for a few days, but it took me down a notch for several days and is still lingering slightly.  Totally manageable and totally worth the trip! 
Before I got too sick, Chad and I were able to compete with some of our friends in a CrossFit competition in Olathe.  It was wicked fun in a painful, sweaty way.

Natasha, Anna, me, Becky and Shelly

Go McPherson CrossFitters!

 

Snatchin'

Such good form



The guys goofing off.
Dan, Matt, Jeramy, Chad and Eric



 

We drove home late that night with 4 extra kiddos.  3 of our nephews and 1 niece came back home with us for a few days while their parents, Chad's brother and wife, finished up some packing/moving details.  Sadly for us they will be in Hawaii the next 3 years.  I keep dreaming we'll be able to visit them. 


In other news, we're a few steps closer to opening our own CrossFit gym.  I'm so excited for Chad to be able to spend his free time doing something he is so passionate about.  I will also be coaching and will get certified in the next few months.  I'm excited and nervous about that.  I have learned so much in the past few years about body mechanics, olympic lifting, training, and the list goes on.  I hope I am able to convey those things to others!  It's a daunting task and not one I thought I'd ever take on, but I'd love to pass on my knowledge (however limited, at this point) to anyone who wants to learn!

So I suppose that's the recap.  The day to day continues as usual with our little peeps.  Lots of practices and school.
Life marches on...



VA Bch

 I spent the last 5 days in Virginia Beach.  I love it there.  It feels so beautifully familiar.  We spent 3+ years there very early on in our marriage.  Elijah and Autumn were both born in Portsmouth.  Such great memories and painfully hard ones, as well.  My brother died while we were there.  I struggled as a single mom for months there.  I grew tremendously there.
This trip was spent with my sister/friend, Caroline and her new baby, Easton.  It meant restless nights snuggling this beautiful baby.  I loved every second of it and would go back if I could.  Watching this young girl, who happens to be about the same age I was when we first met her family, was amazing.  She is maternal and calm and courageous.  She's a single mom determined to make a life for this baby boy.  It is beyond encouraging to see her mothering and her family rally around her with support and love. The youngest sister, Morgan, is a huge help to her and her other 2 sisters support her unconditionally.  Her mother would be busting with pride at her girls right now.
We had dinner every night at Katy and Adam's house.  It was so fun for me to spend time with them and their little girl, Kyrie.  These two were just young and in love when we first met.  Elijah was their ring bearer.  Adam was Autumn's favorite person as a tiny baby.  They are wonderful parents and as usual, completely fun and enjoyable to be around! 
Between Starbucks runs, delicious foods, a quick beach visit, newborn snuggles, and laughs with the sisters and Adam, it was a great trip.  


 

Let's get ready to RAMBLE!!!!!

Thoughts are going a mile a minute...
Could be the large latte I had a bit ago...
Or....
It could be that I bought a ticket to Haiti today!!(Well, I didn't, but my friend Heather did it for me and for her and her husband who will be going too!) YIPPEE!
It's just going to be me this time.  Chad will stay home with work and kids.  Slightly bummed about that, but it's the way it is this time.  So grateful that our first trip was together and he'll know what I mean when I cry and wail and laugh and rejoice about what I'll see and do.
Oh happy day!!

AND!!!  We've made major progress towards securing a building for our CrossFit gym!  Haven't blogged about all that business yet, but it's in the works!  Big things, people, big things.

And!! My sweet friend/sister from another mister, Caroline, is in labor RIGHT NOW!  Baby Easton will be making his arrival soon.

And!! I've been following some superstar bloggers this past week as they visited Haiti with Help One Now, an awesome organization bent on serving Haiti from the ground.  Check them out at www.helponenow.org Amazing group of people!

And! That's all. 

Photo dump

I could write a whole post about each of these pics, but I want to catch up a bit!

Summertime at my parent often involves bonfires..

Hot guy working out...

Relaxing on the front yard swing...

and snuggles with Uncle Sethy.

Lots of trips back and forth across the park to the Y.


















School days!  Elijah at his new "big" middle school and Cory working hard at home!  No picture of Autumn at Lincoln yet.



The ocean flying home from Haiti...makes me a little teary.


Football in full force for Elijah.  He won this MASSIVE trophy for blocking...makes me giggle :)

Our coffee shop friend, Mr. Groves.
 Dillon Nature Center in Hutch. SUPER AWESOME for the boys!


















State Fair for the day!

What our cart looks like after going through Aldi.










 

Dirt

An excessively dry summer plus not enough dirt around the house anyway meant a whole dump truck of dirt was needed to go around the house!

 

Caleb, of course, LOVES IT!  I will be hard pressed to find something for the boys to do after it's all spread out.

My People

I think everyone has their people. 
You know, the ones you'd drop everything and run to if they so much as hinted that they needed you.
I can look back through life and even see now that there are just some people that are MY people.  I don't know if I'm their person, but that's not really the point.
The point is that when push comes to shove and they need you, you go.I may not talk to them for months or sometimes even years, but I would literally go to the ends of the earth if they said they needed me.
I got a message today from one of my people.  She's like a little sister to me.  She's having a baby in a few weeks.  She and her sisters are my people.  Their mother passed away 2 years ago and I have a deep, deep place for them in my heart.
She kinda mentioned that she would really like it if I could maybe come out sometime kinda around when she has her baby.   
I've been thinking about it for weeks.  Sometimes we just need a little nudge from our people to set the wheels in motion. 
So I'm going to Virginia.  Cause my people asked me and because I SO desperately want to be there for this girl when she has her first baby.  Last time I saw these beautiful girls was their mother's funeral.  This may be just as difficult.  And I can't wait to see their beautiful faces!

The daily grind.

That's probably the name of a coffee shop. 
I know I've seen it.
This is the time of year that days run together.
And so because I love bullet points and I have nothing of real substance to write about here are some bullet point thoughts for you.
Lucky, lucky you.

*We bought a grill a month back.  First grill we've ever had.  Nothing fancy.  12+ years without a grill.  How?  How, I say, did we make it without a grill??  I do not know.  Burgers, pork chops, chicken, veggies.  Grilled to amateur perfection.

* I miss Haiti.  Like pain in my heart kind of miss.  Like bring me to tears if you catch me at the right time kind of miss.

*February is the next scheduled trip to Haiti. I am having the great debate.  Go or send the money?  I'm sure $1000 would go so much further then my manual labor.  But, UGH, I miss these people. See previous bullet point.

*Caleb had the line of the week on Friday.  I will not do it justice in writing.  Upon coming back from grocery shopping I told him to go help unload the car.  (Hand on hip, other hand on the couch, leaning, deep sigh...) "I'm thinking about it!  Mom, I always tink about ebery-ting."  Long pause.  Deep sigh... "OK!!  I'll do it!"--with a big smile.  Well, thank you for that thoughtful gesture.  Geez.

*I have a problem. I kill things.  Green, beautiful, lovely things.  I deeply admire covet the lawns around town with their shrubs and bushes and flowers.  I understand the logistics of growing things.  Water, sunshine, pruning.  I just suck at it.  Meaning I forget or don't transplant things properly or forget.  I think I would have a nice lawn in say, Arizona, where it's all concrete and rocks.

*I've been cooking quite a bit lately.  A few observations: I do like to cook.  I do not like cleaning up.  At all!!  I hate it.  The disdain I have for doing dishes FAR outweighs my desire to cook. I have to just push through sometimes.  I'm trying.  It won't last.

And there you go.  Happy Monday!

32

I am loving the 30s.  Truly.  I wonder if this shifts the closer I get to 40???  Don't tell me if it tanks as the number ticks up.

The 20s were no joke.  Major life happened in my 20s.  Marriage (technically that was the teens), all my children (so far), big moves, major life changing months of single parenting, death of my brother, friendships gained and lost, identity struggles, financial struggles.  The list is endless. I didn't know if I would make it out of my 20s whole. 

Well, obviously, I did, but not without a few scars. 
Much has changed in these past few years of my new decade.  Not much outwardly, but I feel it in my soul.  A solidarity with who and whose I am.  A peace.  A calm.  An understanding.  I cannot explain it fully, but I like it. 
I don't feel rattled by the everyday or the unknown.
I don't feel driven by some arbitrary set of ideals.  I don't feel bullied by what the world thinks I need to know or believe or aspire to. 
I am happy with my life.  Not because it is perfect or easy or simple, but because it is none of those thing.  It is made up of all the things I have chosen, worked for, cried over, and prayed about.  Many times, I wondered if I'd chosen correctly, or if some things were worth the work.

If I could, I'd go back and hug my 20 something self and tell her to just keep holding on...the fog lifts, the heart settles, the babies grow.  The "old" life I had so young rapidly becomes today.  A young me with "old" kids, a miraculously good marriage, solid friendships and family relationships and I'd tell her to choose it all again.

Football

It rained today.  And the temp dropped 10+ degrees.  It was GLORIOUS!  My windows are open.  The air is cool and I'm barely restraining myself from pulling on a sweater even though it's not quite sweater weather. 
I love fall.  I love summer too, but fall...It's so comfy and cozy and cool and wonderful.
And every fall for the past 8 years, it's included football.   Our lives from August through November have revolved around football.  This year there is football, but we will only be spectators to Elijah's games.  No coaching responsibilities, no afternoons at the field, no running around the athletic center waiting for dad to get done, no Saturdays spent entirely invested in a team and a staff.
I miss it.  Some of the time.  I miss the excitement of gearing up for a game.  I miss knowing the players and cheering them on.  I miss being a part of a team. 
I do not miss the long hours.  I do not miss navigating weeks on end without a partner. 
We're having a few of the players over for dinner tonight.  I'm SO glad we can still do that!  These guys mean alot to Chad and I'm glad he's keeping that connection.  We'll go to a few games, I'm sure.  We'll keep tabs on some of the guys.
It's not the same, but it will do.
 

Answers. Just not the ones we wanted.

Well, after many, many phone calls, emails and conversations with a variety of people we have come to the conclusion that we have to wait to start the adoption process for our Haiti babies.
I've learned more about Haiti adoptions in the past weeks then I thought I could without actually adopting. 
Here's the details: Haiti recently ratified the Hague Convention which means they will at some point implement certain requirements about how the US and Haiti process adoptions.  This means that any agency that wants to process Haitian adoptions has to submit paperwork for the Haitian government and then the government will decide which agencies will be allowed to do adoptions.  So, many agencies have submitted that paperwork but are not sure if they will be allowed to do Haitian adoptions once they implement the Hague regulations.

Second strike against us for now is that we're not 35.  There is rumor that that requirement will be changed along with the new Hague regulations, but no one knows for sure.
We could get a presidential waiver for this and our 4 children, but that adds a lot of time to the process and if one of us isn't 35, our dossier sits and gets outdated.
And finally, the nail in the coffin...the orphanage that we would like to adopt from is, as far as we know, not licensed to do adoptions.  Apparently, all orphanages must be accredited to operate as an orphanage.  In order to process adoptions though, they must be licensed and by definition are now called a creche.

So there you have it.  3 strikes.  Honestly, I'm ok.  I've spent the past few weeks just trying to get a definite answer so I'm happy to actually have that info so we can move on to fully focusing on raising money for the orphanage and possibly helping Josie get licensed! 
I still think we will adopt at some point, but it appears that may be farther down the road then we thought. 

Is anyone tired of hearing about Haiti??

That's a rhetorical question cause I'm not done talking about it.  So move along if you're kinda "over" me talking about Haiti. :-)
We gave our first talk/slideshow about our trip and House of Love and Hope Orphanage yesterday.  I did not pass out, stutter or make TOO many stupid jokes.  Chad spoke quite a bit which was not surprising to me, but may have surprised a few people.  We did not talk over each other or interrupt each other mid-sentence.  Which is a feat all it's own.

We would love the opportunity to do this again and again...and again to whomever will listen!  If you know of a group or organization that would be interested, let me know! We would even travel some if it meant a few more people would commit to this orphanage!
*************************************************
In other news, I managed to do nearly nothing today.  Chad is on nights this week so he was home all day.
This was our agenda:
Let the kids watch movies and play on the computer til about 1 so we could be ultra lazy. 
Went to Dillons for essentials...donuts, milk, yogurt, fruit.
Read books.
Told the kids they coudn't watch any more TV or play on the computer cause I did not want their brains to stop functioning on a human level. 
Listened to them fight most of the day because they were re-learning how to deal with other human beings. 
Told Caleb 14 times in the span of 5 minutes that he could not play Angry Birds on my phone.
Finally let him play Angry Birds til my phone died.
Played a tortuous game of Spades in which Elijah and I forfeited because we had played for an hour and were -280 with no hope in sight.
Chad worked out and helped the kids through a CF Kids workout.  I took a power nap.
And now it's 530 and I should think about some type of food to feed the crazies, but I'm kinda spazing out cause I just entered the kids' activity schedules for the month and I think I'm breaking out in hives. 
My one activity rule is quickly going by the wayside.  Mostly because I don't want to count piano lessons as an activity.  That would be first thing Autumn and Cory would give up and I don't want them to so it's a freebie for now. 
Then Autumn insists she will be fine doing dance and gymnastics.  I'm sure she will be.  My head might start spinning.
Then Cory is playing soccer and he REALLY wanted to try gymnastics so we're gonna give that a go.  We know he loves soccer, but the older I get the more I wish I had learned some gymnastics skills when I was young.
So that's 3 activities for each of them.  Yeah, I know.  I'l see you sometime next summer.
Elijah is still good with just football and Caleb is the lucky winner of being dragged to all this madness.
Happy Fall Sports, friends!

And this is why I call it ramblings...

1. Had the best day yesterday.  I spent the day in a children's hospital with 2 friends and a little boy trying to get answers to a multitude of questions.  Really, it was a great day.  There is something entirely encouraging, invigorating, and fulfilling (and exhausting) to walk with friends down tough roads. I love it.
2. There is sometimes no rhyme or reason why kids turn out a certain way or act a certain way or eat a certain way.  They are baffling.  And parenting is hard.  And awesome.
3.  My list of agencies to call is dwindling.  That makes me nervous cause we're about out of options for the time being. 
4. I am beyond excited to tell anyone who wants to hear on Sunday afternoon about our trip to Haiti.  Beyond!
5. My 4 year old baby is really dirty.  I don't remember the last time I bathed him.  Please don't call SRS on me.  He's really fine.  Just dirty.
6. It has been 8 years since we had an August roll around and NOT be knee deep in football.  I have not even thought about that until a friend asked yesterday.  I know we'll go to a few games this year, but I can't decide if I miss it??  I think I do, but then I realize I haven't thought about it so do I really??
7. School has been going great.  Autumn loves her school, Elijah is doing great at middle school, Cory is moving along homeschooling and Caleb is still alive.  We're all good on that front.

My mind is sufficiently unloaded.  Thank you.

The great unknown and doubt...

As much as I would like to think that we know what we are getting ourselves into with adopting from Haiti, I would be beyond naive to believe that.
It is an endless list of unknowns.  As I'm calling through a large list of agencies and attorneys and scouring the internet for any and all information, I wonder how this is going to work out.  And I wonder if it will...
What if it doesn't?  What if it does?  Why can't it be simplier?  Most agencies are not taking new applications for Haiti because they recently ratified the Hague Convention treaty and everyone is unsure if that will be a good or bad thing for all the orphans.  It would seemingly be a good thing, but it's a big unknown.  Hague accredited agencies only want to use Hague accredited home study services.  Attorneys often don't deal with Hague countries because of the regulations and particulars.  It's complicated.
We're hitting alot of dead ends. 

In a nutshell...

It is not possible. 
There is no "nutshell" for Haiti.
I could (and may) write about our time there for weeks.  Each day was packed full of sites and sounds and people and relationships.
We met incredible people working hard to provide for their families and their neighbors and their communities. 
I am so very tired.  And thirsty.  All the time.
Our children thrived here with my mom and grandma.  She is a rockstar. 
We have started relationships that we hope will last a lifetime.  We have a place that will now always be in our thoughts and prayers and budgets. 
I can't wait to go back.

And away we go...

Tomorrow, early, we'll be on our way to Haiti. 
I think I love a country I've never been to.
I know I love it's children.
I am anxious to go, nervous to leave home and sad to come back already.   
It will go so fast.  I want to let myself pause in each moment. Capture it.
My babies will be well cared for with an army of hands and hearts here at home. 
I am on the brink of tears when I think about how this may change the course of our lives.  With more children, with a family of believers in another country, with an opportunity to be hands on in helping humanity. 
I'm thrilled and terrified...and thrilled. :)

Less then 2 weeks

* We leave for Haiti in less then 2 weeks.
* Elijah will start middle school in less then 2 weeks.
* Autumn is going to school in less then 2 weeks.

         I am excited and nervous for all of these.

I am not by nature a nervous person.  Pretty calm about most things.  The closer this trip to Haiti gets, the more my heart races and I get cold sweats.  I am not worried about any one thing, per se. 
I think about leaving the country.
Without our kids. 
I think about those first days of school for E and A. 
Without me. 
I think about my mom sacrificing 7 days of her busy life to be there in our place. 
I think about how much we will see, breath, speak and love of Haiti. 
I think about how much I will miss our kids.  
I think about how quickly I will be able to get a homestudy done when I get back cause I imagine I will have a sense of urgency about adoption.
Lots of thoughts floating in and out.  Not settling on any one for too long...
I cannot for one second entertain the notion that this trip is not meant to happen.  Too much has happened to make it possible.  Too much has transpired to put us in touch with amazing people in Haiti.
So, so excited...and a little nervous...

Hallelujah 4!

He's 4. 
We made it.
Something happens between 4 and 5 that is glorious and magically and much anticipated. 
At least it has with the other kids, but very little about other kids have applied to THIS kid!

Happy Birthday to the little guy who keeps us all on the edge of our seats!

First time, every time

This is parenting gold here, people. 
Clearly, I'm an expert, so you better take this and run with it.It's this magical little phrase: "First time. Every time."
It was implemented initially with stubborn 3 year old Elijah and has been used extremely inconsistantly ever since.
We brought it out frequently with Cory who had a nasty streak of destruction for a good part of his toddler years.
Then somehow the fourth child sucked every available brain cell out of my soul and made me forget this gem.
By God's grace, we remembered this past week that it had worked magic on the other boys so we decided to give it a shot with the sweet, dear, quiet, obedient baby of the family.
And yes, I know, if we had taken this stance from the get go and not ever let it slide, I would quite possibly not have a uber disobedient, defiant toddler in my house.  But maintaining this high level of involvement is hard and I'm lazy.  Bad combo.

I imagine trauma made me remember this little phrase.  The trauma being Caleb and his little friend removing the screen from an upstairs window and throwing every available item out.  The items may or may not include: shoes, large toys, a mattress pad, articles of clothing, etc, etc...  This all while I was having a lovely conversation with my friend Alex with my back to the downstairs window that these items were flying by.  I, of course, handled it with poise and dignity.
After reining in the absolute FEAR that my child and his friend could have fallen out of that window and DIED, I decided to do what any rational person would do and be super pissed for a few days about what a terror I'm raising.

And then I remembered!!  "First time. Every time."  I explained to dear, sweet Caleb that when I told him to do ANYTHING, he had to hop to it the very first time, every single time or there would be trouble.  Basically I'm going for robotic obedience.  We'll work out the whole independence/personal choice thing later.  As of now, he has no choice in a matter.
I also decided to throw in that he could not scream, "FINE!!" at me whenever I told him to do something.  His response was, "FINE!!"
So about 5 days in, we're going strong.  He's WAY, WAY better.  More often then not when I ask him to do something, it's a cheery, "OK!"  This makes me happy, which is way better then pissed.

Puberty

Scene: Kitchen. Making pizza...

Elijah: So, I think I've hit puberty.
Me:  Hahaha!  Why?  Do you have armpit hair or something?  Hahaha!
Elijah: Hahaha!  Yeah!  Hahaha!
Me: closely examining each of his armpits...WHAT??!?!  YOU TOTALLY DO!!!!  WWWAAAAA!!!!
Elijah: Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Go and make

So, I saw Jen Hatmaker speak last night.  Really fun night.  She is as funny and moving as anyone who has read her books would imagine her to be.  She pretty much nailed what we've been going through the past few months.  The tension, the change of perspective, the desire to act, move, do. 
I've been thinking/reading/praying (wash, rinse, repeat) things that make me go, "Como se WHAT?!?" the past few months.  I have known and read the Bible my ENTIRE life.  The whole time.  Birth til present.  I've heard the token passages about Law and Gospel way mucho.  (Apparently, I'm having trouble writing without using English/Spanish psuedo phrases...sorry.)  ANYway,  what I'm getting at is that for the most part, I've felt very comfortable being Christian, but living in my current Christian state has made me uncomfortable lately.  It's crazy stuff, like "Go and MAKE disciples..."  Not stay at home and hang out with Christian folk all the time. Well, shoot.  It's "feed my sheep."  Not talk about how sad it is that there are hungry people in this world.  It's "Whatever you DO for the LEAST of these, you do for Me."  Not, you should keep talking about all those poor people and how much help they need.
Bah!  Do, Make, Go, Feed.  For those English peeps out there, those are action verbs. 
So, my current area of consternation is how this looks for us as a family.  How does my life need to be structured to be able to Do, Make, Go, Feed?  Where can I put my heart and soul into action?  I'm settled on the place, of course.  Haiti has tied my heart up and won't let it go.  So, now what?  What will this look like?  What decisions can I make in the next few months and years to live these action words?
I pray on a daily basis that our trip in a month will answer some of those questions. 

Haiti love

Watch this, please.  Grab some tissues, first.

http://vimeo.com/mksmith/marathoningformamba

Hold on for the ride!

We've pretty much always existed on the brink of financial problems.  Never in poverty or even close to what I would consider poverty, but there have been many payments made late or deferred, cupboards running bare for a few days, debt added to.  Some things were out of our control and other times we made poor choices. 
I'm not sure I'm even sad for these years.  I have serious appreciation for people who work hard to make ends meet and a good amount of empathy for those who just flat out don't make ends meet.  Honestly, I'm comfortable here with  just barely enough.
I'm about to get a little uncomfortable...Chad was hired at Williams Energy last week.  We're beyond excited.  It's a good job with a great company that gives incredible benefits.  We're going to have a little more then enough. 
It makes me anxious, kinda nervous.  I don't want to be a poor steward of what we've been given.  There are BIG ticket things that we've always lived without and we've been FINE.  I don't want to all of the sudden think we "need" these things just because we can buy them.
We're a long way from rollin' in the dough, but some breathing room will be welcomed. 
I was joking with my sister last night about not wanting to buy a boat. (Disclaimer: If you are a friend of mine with a boat, I hold no ill feelings towards you.)  I was laughing about how people with money always buy a boat and I really don't want a boat, but it just seems like one of those things you buy if you have money so I told her not to let me buy a boat!!  Anyway, with the job change comes some big changes for us besides finances.  We're buying an old, used truck for Chad to drive to work.  We'll pay for insurance through his company.  We'll have investments! Ah!  We're refinancing the house.  New cell phone plans.  No more shorts and tshirts for Chad's job. 
AND...Chad still gets to go to Haiti!  Big, big huge deal!
It's quite the ride so far.

Media

I do not like TV.  There I said it.
It's been an evolution to get to this point, but the other day I was running on a treadmill at the Y and there were 4 TVs in front of me all with something different on.  It was making me crazy.  Even when I just watched one of the TVs it was overstimulating, excessive, obnoxious, annoying. 
I use to watch it all the time.  Wake up, turn the news on and keep it on til lunch.  Catch a few talk shows/soap operas in the afternoon and then again at night for a few hours.  I did that for years. 
When we moved into this house a few years ago, we decided to not hook up any cable.  It took some getting use to, but overall it's been great.  My kids are big movie watchers and I'm an internet junkie so it's not like we're starving for some media fix.  I still use the TV to "babysit" at times or we veg out on really hot or really cold days.  We just get to be more selective. 
I'll watch TV episodes of different shows occasionally and the kids watch ALOT of movies from the library(except this week during the media fast).
I like the silence.  And now when I actually do see some TV, it's annoying.  Too much banter, nastiness, overproduced versions of society.   Its all so fake.  The reality shows (disclaimer: I watch at least a few of the Bachelor/Bachelorette episodes every season :-)! ), the talk shows, the news is even fake most of the time. 
So, I don't like TV. I'm sure that puts me in the minority of the American population.  No worries, America, I'll still be spending hours a day trolling the internet so I'll be sufficiently bombarded anyway!

Humbled

A few weeks ago, during a gathering of our Project 7 group, it was mentioned that my girlfriends would like to do a garage sale to help us raise money for our Haiti adoption/trip, which was not even planned at that point, just a hope, a dream.
Wow! Sure!  Great idea! Fast forward...I have no words sufficient to describe yesterday's yard sale and the number of people who knowingly and unknowingly contributed to it's success.  Huge, huge success.
My dear friend, Natasha, lead the troops and organized the day.  I am in awe of her selflessness.  As word got out, she just kept getting calls, texts, messages. 
"I have stuff to donate."
"I'll bake for the bake sale."
"I'll make lemonade."
"I'll bring lunch." 
"I'll help with tables and set up or break down."
People just kept stepping in to help.  What was going to be held at my house, was now in the parking lot of Kyle's Discount on Main St., hugely visible to everyone who drives through town.  Prime location.  And Kyle was kind beyond words.  Wouldn't take money to rent the lot, put up tents for us to have shade, let us borrow clothes racks, and on and on. 
As the day went on, I realized quickly this was not going to be a few hundred dollars for our trip.  I was giddy with the thought that we may have our tickets paid for, or at least close!!  That would have been amazing!  At 1:00 I ran to the bank with some of the money...Tickets AND room/board were paid for!  By 1:00!!  We still had 5 hours left!! I cried all the way back from the bank.
As the afternoon went on we marked things down, and had a fill a bag for a donation the last few hours.  $100 for a bag of clothes and a lamp, $40 for some toys and books, $20 for nothing.  And one women sticks out in my mind.  She browsed for a bit, walked up to the table, and handed me $3. "I didn't find anything, but this is what I have." She gave what she had.
Goose bumpy kind of cool stuff happened all day.
By the end of the day, the final count was MORE then enough.  MORE!  I get such a kick out of this kind of thing. 
We are so blessed with a group of friends that are selfless, generous, thoughtful and believe in a God who can take our efforts and multiply them.  We have a community that thinks nothing of helping others.
We are humbled by the entire experience. 

Avenues

I'm struggling a bit with some of this adoption stuff. And maybe not how you would think.  It's so complicated. So multi-faceted, so much bigger then a "simple" solution. 
We so want to adopt, but our reasons are shifting.  Our perspective is broadening.  The whys and hows are getting messy.
The more I read and talk and research and pray, the more I understand that we may be a part of a bigger solution.  I'm asking myself more and more not how many children could we adopt, but rather how many Haitian families can we help stay together.  It's a different solution to the same problem.  So, so many blogs I read have been putting this idea to work.  Helping men and women keep their children seems like a much better solution then to take a child from it's native land.  It is still a valuable solution, but not the best.  I NEVER thought of this before.  I would have NEVER came to that conclusion on my own.  Poor babies+rich Americans=adoption=less poor babies.  Right?
It's not that simple.
Adoption is still very much a part of what we want to do.  Although, I am starting to feel like this is beginning to be much less about what I want and more of what God wants as we move along.  That's a good thing, but I just don't know how that's going to look down the road.

Bring the rain

You know how the air changes before a big storm.  The sky shifts, the air temperature drops, the air smells and feels different.
That's what if feels like RIGHT NOW in our lives.
And I know that storm will bring much needed rain, but the wind will be strong, the hail may be large, but we so need that rain...
We're already getting those first few beautiful sprinkles...
I knew way back when we first started talking about adopting from Haiti that we wouldn't be able to do it alone. And we're not alone. 
There is this sense that our lives need to be in order to embark on a journey like this.  I know some will not understand why and why now for us.  We don't make much money, we have 4 children already, we have very busy, wonderful lives.
What's interesting is that over the course of the past few months those are the very things I wrestle with.  Pros and cons.  Risk vs. reward. The hows and whys. 
I live in a comfy place of low expectations.  I expect pretty basic things from people and from myself.  Which makes this whole thing very intriguing to even me.  This is bigger than us.  This drive and desire to know intimately what Haitian life is like, how their culture thinks, how we can be of the greatest service to them, does not come from me.  It can only come from Him.  It's an excited fear I feel.  How do you explain knowing a journey will be painful and difficult and WANTING it!?!
My answer to every inquiry, comment, speculation is "I don't know."  I don't know how we're going to afford our trip, our possible adoption, and/or whatever opportunity arise from our trip.  I don't know what issues our future children may have, biological or adopted.  I don't know why we feel this way about this foreign country.  I don't know why now.  I don't know why so many people have rallied around us with a MASSIVE garage sale, bake sale, lemonade stand!  I don't know why we have these people in our lives at this moment?
All I do know is we need to go down this path.  I honestly don't feel like I have any control of it anyway.  I am an observer to what God will orchestrate.  In just these few short months, I can see His hand here and there.  
And while feeling like an observer, I know there is so much we will need to do.  This will be the most challenging thing we've done.  We will be pushed and pulled and grown.  It may be a complete disaster.  And I welcome it.  I don't want to think or feel or act like the world can't be helped by little ol' me and a great big God.  Bring the rain!
Mercy Me's song :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU