Good question. I have a lot more.
Why do I love this place like it's mine?
Why does it feel so normal to be there?
What does it make me realize about my life and circumstances?
What kind of perspective can a country of such contrast give?
What can I offer my friends there?
What can they teach me about life and faith and love?
Why do I feel a responsibility to these friends and these children to learn more, grow more and understand more and share their stories?
The easy answer is I don't know.
The real answer is fluid and vague.
So much of this is distinctly outside my understanding. I can speculate as to why Haiti. It's a country I grew up hearing about. I met Thomas and Israel and Pastor Louis and his wife as a child. I remember those moments, but I was young and it wasn't terribly monumental at the time.
Haiti has always intrigued me and even more so after the earthquake. But that horrific event put Haiti on the map for a lot of people so that's not terribly surprising.
What has surprised me is the ownership I feel for the well-being of my Haitian friends and the desire to make that circle of friends grow.
I have gained so much from just two trips. The truth is that these trips have made me evaluate my life, but maybe not in the way you may expect. It has not made me look at my life and say, "I'm so thankful I have..." or "I'm so glad we don't have to deal with..." It has also not made me think, "I'm so lucky because.." or "I have this life because I did..."
Maybe that's ungrateful. I don't really know. What it has made me think is I want less. Less distractions. We, as society, spend a sickening amount of time and resources on maintenance. We have to maintain our cars and our homes and our electronics and our clothing and our...everything. Here's the thing though. People in Haiti do the same thing. It's not that I look at their lifestyles and think we're so vastly different. We're really not. That has been a profound realization for me. We are powerfully, amazingly similar! We fight the same things, only separated by degrees.
One of the reasons I enjoy being there so much is that it's easier for me to zero in on the relationships. I don't have the distraction of all my "stuff."
It's the balance I'm after here at home. Putting the value into what matters. People, relationships, faith, communities. And I believe it's the balance that all of humanity is after. It's that steady feeling of contentment and peace we all want. I feel that so deeply in Haiti and after this last trip, my focus is working to create that here as well.
Haiti makes me a better parent. A better friend. A better stranger.
It makes me look at my life and circumstances and zero in on the little faces in front of me, the husband who loves me, the family, friends and people who I cross paths with.
It does not make me perfect. Don't fall over in your chair with that revelation.
I battle the desire for more "me time", more clothes, nicer cars, better "stuff". I struggle with being horribly impatient with my kids and husband. I fight to bite my tongue when all I really want to do is let loose. I fail miserably every day.
It's work to want to be better. It's difficult to experience a place like Haiti with poverty so much the part of every day life. It's painful to hear the stories of lose and abandonment. It's beautiful to see the joys and smiles. It is worth every good and bad moment to delve into these people and this place. They have much to teach us.
It is a place of contrast and I may never answer all my questions, but it is a place I consider my "other" home.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Where my heart lies...
Haiti Day 3 was a little slice of heaven.
What was a very frustrating day for some of the team, as the trip to get supplies took 5 HOURS and they didn't have much time to get the water pump up and running, was, in fact, my favorite day.
My friend, Jamie, told me before I left, as I was in tears about how selfish I felt this trip was, that there would be a moment when I would know why I was suppose to go.
Here are those moment.
And this smiley face wiggled and giggled her way into my soul. I will never be the same.
We spent all day here at the orphanage and I had one of these littles by my side the whole time.
We played with chalk and a few played with my hair. I got to take some braids out as the girls were having their hair redone that day.
Mostly I snuggled and loved on as many as I could that day. I worked a little too putting up some razor wire, but was glad to pass that off to someone else so I could hug another little one.
The children here are joyful and well cared for and loved. It's such a happy place.
Their stories are not so happy. Mothers begging Josie to take the child they can no longer feed. Or one so desperately wanting their daughter out of a tent city and away from abuse. Relatives bringing her children whose parents are dying or dead or crazy.
Their joy radiates from a place of loss and pain. Their little minds and bodies have had to adjust to a life we can't fathom. And they laugh. And play games. And go to school. And love each other. And dream and make plans.
I have some big dreams and plans too. Hope and love can do powerful things!
What was a very frustrating day for some of the team, as the trip to get supplies took 5 HOURS and they didn't have much time to get the water pump up and running, was, in fact, my favorite day.
My friend, Jamie, told me before I left, as I was in tears about how selfish I felt this trip was, that there would be a moment when I would know why I was suppose to go.
Here are those moment.
He pulled his chair up to my legs and laid his head on my knees.
Instant tears and a full heart.
You see, that baby pressed against my chest has his heart all wrapped up in mine. And the little girl leaning into him has the saddest eyes you've ever seen and if you're lucky enough to squeeze a smile from her, you'll feel like you won the lottery.
And this smiley face wiggled and giggled her way into my soul. I will never be the same.
We spent all day here at the orphanage and I had one of these littles by my side the whole time.
We played with chalk and a few played with my hair. I got to take some braids out as the girls were having their hair redone that day.
Mostly I snuggled and loved on as many as I could that day. I worked a little too putting up some razor wire, but was glad to pass that off to someone else so I could hug another little one.
The children here are joyful and well cared for and loved. It's such a happy place.
Their stories are not so happy. Mothers begging Josie to take the child they can no longer feed. Or one so desperately wanting their daughter out of a tent city and away from abuse. Relatives bringing her children whose parents are dying or dead or crazy.
Their joy radiates from a place of loss and pain. Their little minds and bodies have had to adjust to a life we can't fathom. And they laugh. And play games. And go to school. And love each other. And dream and make plans.
I have some big dreams and plans too. Hope and love can do powerful things!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Gertrude's
After landing in Port Au Prince, the first thing I noticed was how much nicer the immigration and baggage claim areas were! Much improved from just 6 months ago. Upon getting to the baggage claim area, we were immediately offered help from multiple Haitian men who work for tips by carrying luggage out for people. One guy walked with us and then another guy tried to move in once we got to the baggage carousel. I quickly nixed the 2nd guy and said the 1st guy was "our" guy. No problem after that. Got our bags and headed out to a mass of people just outside. Scanned the crowd and saw Keith and Leonard right away. YAY!
The whole team had gotten in earlier then us and had come to airport to pick us up.
The drive to Gertrude's was familiar and it was so good to pull up along side her gate.
As soon as we got inside I recognized all kinds of faces from a few months ago. At first a few of the boys just looked at me, then Wolton or Edson yelled, "Sawah!" Heart soaring kind of happy!
I joked and played with a few of the boys and little Christina, who doesn't know much English, but yells "Sawah" the loudest. I call her party girl! She's always smiling and hanging with the boys!
Spent the evening getting settled in, had dinner, and checked out the new space in back that the girls and the handicapped kids are living in. SO much better then before!!
The first full day was spent at Gertrude's. A group of us went to buy rice and beans at a warehouse. Keith had a good chunk of money from donations and was able to buy 50-50lb bags of rice and 3-100lb bags of beans. $22.50 for each bag of rice and $84.75 for each bag of beans. Some of the Haitians there brought out the bags, 4 stacked on each one's back! Pretty incredible.
Back at Gertrude's several people started in on filling the baggies with rice or beans and Kim S. and I headed to the back to help feed the handicapped children. That was a new experience. The disabilities range from cerebral palsy, to Down's syndrome, to autistic to unknown mental illnesses. A very "in the moment" kind of experience and a true joy to spend that time with a few of them.
We went through donations and WOW do we have generous friends!! Divided it up into different bags to take to different places, Children's hospital, Home for the Dying, Pastor Bernard, Josie, and Gertrude were all recipients of people's generosity!
Spent the evening playing with the kids, holding little Alvarez who is walking now and made paper footballs for some of the boys.
It was certainly time well spent that first day. We didn't get to spend that much time at Gertrude's last time.
Gertrude, herself, is really amazing. The handicapped in Haiti are thrown away. Literally. Many of the children under her care where found in the "abandoned" room at the hospital. Some were left at her gate. One she found on a trash heap.
I had a great conversation with a woman, Rachel, who is good friends with Gertrude and lived at the guesthouse/orphanage for 6 months. Although the conditions at this orphanage are still not what many in the US would deem acceptable, they are good. Really good considering most would not even consider caring for the handicapped let alone 20 of them.
Rachel said there was one time some guests came and saw one of the handicapped girls roped across her waist to a chair. They were appalled, as many of us would be. Rachel explained that this particular girl, who has Down's, was able to open the gates and had been running away. As they frantically searched the streets for this little girl, the fear of losing her was profound.
There are 20 handicapped children here and about 3-5 workers at a time. Obviously tying her to a chair is not the best option, but it was the best they could do in order to keep her safe while they took care of the other children for that time.
Perspective is such a powerful thing. We often assume things about what we see without knowing the whole story.
If nothing else, traveling to Haiti, making friendships there, has given me perspective. And compassion. And a better understanding of truly how we are all trying to do our best and that can look vastly different.
The whole team had gotten in earlier then us and had come to airport to pick us up.
The drive to Gertrude's was familiar and it was so good to pull up along side her gate.
As soon as we got inside I recognized all kinds of faces from a few months ago. At first a few of the boys just looked at me, then Wolton or Edson yelled, "Sawah!" Heart soaring kind of happy!
I joked and played with a few of the boys and little Christina, who doesn't know much English, but yells "Sawah" the loudest. I call her party girl! She's always smiling and hanging with the boys!
Spent the evening getting settled in, had dinner, and checked out the new space in back that the girls and the handicapped kids are living in. SO much better then before!!
The first full day was spent at Gertrude's. A group of us went to buy rice and beans at a warehouse. Keith had a good chunk of money from donations and was able to buy 50-50lb bags of rice and 3-100lb bags of beans. $22.50 for each bag of rice and $84.75 for each bag of beans. Some of the Haitians there brought out the bags, 4 stacked on each one's back! Pretty incredible.
Back at Gertrude's several people started in on filling the baggies with rice or beans and Kim S. and I headed to the back to help feed the handicapped children. That was a new experience. The disabilities range from cerebral palsy, to Down's syndrome, to autistic to unknown mental illnesses. A very "in the moment" kind of experience and a true joy to spend that time with a few of them.
We went through donations and WOW do we have generous friends!! Divided it up into different bags to take to different places, Children's hospital, Home for the Dying, Pastor Bernard, Josie, and Gertrude were all recipients of people's generosity!
Spent the evening playing with the kids, holding little Alvarez who is walking now and made paper footballs for some of the boys.
It was certainly time well spent that first day. We didn't get to spend that much time at Gertrude's last time.
Gertrude, herself, is really amazing. The handicapped in Haiti are thrown away. Literally. Many of the children under her care where found in the "abandoned" room at the hospital. Some were left at her gate. One she found on a trash heap.
I had a great conversation with a woman, Rachel, who is good friends with Gertrude and lived at the guesthouse/orphanage for 6 months. Although the conditions at this orphanage are still not what many in the US would deem acceptable, they are good. Really good considering most would not even consider caring for the handicapped let alone 20 of them.
Rachel said there was one time some guests came and saw one of the handicapped girls roped across her waist to a chair. They were appalled, as many of us would be. Rachel explained that this particular girl, who has Down's, was able to open the gates and had been running away. As they frantically searched the streets for this little girl, the fear of losing her was profound.
There are 20 handicapped children here and about 3-5 workers at a time. Obviously tying her to a chair is not the best option, but it was the best they could do in order to keep her safe while they took care of the other children for that time.
Perspective is such a powerful thing. We often assume things about what we see without knowing the whole story.
If nothing else, traveling to Haiti, making friendships there, has given me perspective. And compassion. And a better understanding of truly how we are all trying to do our best and that can look vastly different.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
One step at a time.
Breaking down Haiti into little bites seems less overwhelming then to try to explain a week of profound experience in one shot.
The going and the leaving are oddly the hardest parts for me. Both mean I abandon one place I love for another place I love. My family. Chad. My life here. Haiti. My friends there. My family there. I truly love them all. Going to Haiti is exciting, intoxicating, difficult and easy. It has taken 3 flights to get there and back both times and I've noticed a very distinct mental shift through those flights.
My first step away from home is so hard. Always my family is cared for and I love that, but this trip in particular felt very selfish as I left. The logistics were complicated and people sacrificed for me beyond what I had planned. I let them, but it was not easy. That first flight is filled with thoughts of home, the kids, Chad, my mom and whoever else was taking my place for the week. The second flight is a mix of my family at home and my undeniable love for Haiti and my friends there. And the third flight is all Haiti. Heart pounding excitement. Visions of streets and faces and hugs and Creole words. As we touched down, tears welled up and the song "I'm coming home." repeated in my head.
The week of course went so quickly and I'll work through those days and write more. But always the low point is leaving. As we said goodbye Wednesday morning to our new friends from the team and Leonard and Pierre and Gertrude and Rosie, all I can think about is how quickly can I come back.
As our plane picked up speed the voice in my head repeated over and over, "No, No, No." I hate leaving Haiti. This time was harder because I know we have 2 children there. If those children ever come to live with us, I do not know. I can only pray that we are able to love and care for them there or at some point in our home. It's not popular to ugly cry on an airplane so I kept it in check, but it wasn't easy.
And so the transition began. All Haiti that first flight. New faces and places, plans to find out more adoption-wise, plans to come back. Second flight is flashes of home, Elijah, Autumn, Cory, Caleb, Chad, the gym, friends, and back to Haiti, Mintha, Nixon, Josie, the orphanage.
Last flight and drive is all home. My bed, my shower, clean clothes, smooth roads. And still thoughts of how strange it feels to love a foreign place so deeply, to love it's children like my own and wanting so fervently to love on it's brokenhearted.
I'm home now and I'll return to my other home again.
The going and the leaving are oddly the hardest parts for me. Both mean I abandon one place I love for another place I love. My family. Chad. My life here. Haiti. My friends there. My family there. I truly love them all. Going to Haiti is exciting, intoxicating, difficult and easy. It has taken 3 flights to get there and back both times and I've noticed a very distinct mental shift through those flights.
My first step away from home is so hard. Always my family is cared for and I love that, but this trip in particular felt very selfish as I left. The logistics were complicated and people sacrificed for me beyond what I had planned. I let them, but it was not easy. That first flight is filled with thoughts of home, the kids, Chad, my mom and whoever else was taking my place for the week. The second flight is a mix of my family at home and my undeniable love for Haiti and my friends there. And the third flight is all Haiti. Heart pounding excitement. Visions of streets and faces and hugs and Creole words. As we touched down, tears welled up and the song "I'm coming home." repeated in my head.
The week of course went so quickly and I'll work through those days and write more. But always the low point is leaving. As we said goodbye Wednesday morning to our new friends from the team and Leonard and Pierre and Gertrude and Rosie, all I can think about is how quickly can I come back.
As our plane picked up speed the voice in my head repeated over and over, "No, No, No." I hate leaving Haiti. This time was harder because I know we have 2 children there. If those children ever come to live with us, I do not know. I can only pray that we are able to love and care for them there or at some point in our home. It's not popular to ugly cry on an airplane so I kept it in check, but it wasn't easy.
And so the transition began. All Haiti that first flight. New faces and places, plans to find out more adoption-wise, plans to come back. Second flight is flashes of home, Elijah, Autumn, Cory, Caleb, Chad, the gym, friends, and back to Haiti, Mintha, Nixon, Josie, the orphanage.
Last flight and drive is all home. My bed, my shower, clean clothes, smooth roads. And still thoughts of how strange it feels to love a foreign place so deeply, to love it's children like my own and wanting so fervently to love on it's brokenhearted.
I'm home now and I'll return to my other home again.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
One week
In one week, I go again to Haiti. It feels different this time. Less unknowns, more excitement for the known. More work this trip, but opportunities to meet more people and literally have a hand in a project or two.
The lead up to this trip has been stressful to say the least. The logistics have been challenging. Chad will be gone for part of the time I am gone which means we had 2 older unattended children that needed to be taken care of. It's all worked out thanks to yet, again, the rockstar group of people I get to call friends. Cory and Caleb will be with my mom, who not only agrees to take care of my babies, but relishes their time together!
To add a little excitement to the buildup, Elijah was sick last week/weekend, Autumn got sick Sunday night (but should be good to go tomorrow), Cory and Caleb got sick last night. Here is one thing I'm certain of...I have really good sick kids. They are not overly demanding or whiny. They want to lay on the couch, watch movies, and drink juice or water. I snuggle them and give them meds if needed, but mostly they just rest. I hope this translates to quick recoveries. I'm fully anticipating getting sick as well, but pray that it is sooner rather then later.
I had a bit of a meltdown this afternoon. I may have another one later just for good measure. It's a complicated mess of feelings and emotions.
I truly cannot explain the attachment I have to Haiti. It is bizarre even to me. It does not seem foreign when I'm there. It feels a little like home. I "joke" that I would move there if I could, when in reality, it's no joke. I feel like we have children there in some manner. Not yet adopted/sponsored/mentored. Something. I wish I could put better words to these feelings. They are elusive, but I know I can cry in an instant thinking about it.
So in one week, I go. And I'll come back to my well cared for babies, my ultra capable husband and another little piece of my heart left behind in Haiti.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Logistics
The logistics of a Saturday during basketball season for us would have made my 20 year old self run to bed crying for my momma.
Thankfully, we ease into a schedule like this over years rather then thrown into it so I have convinced myself that it's not a big deal. :/
5 basketball games today at 5 different times in 3 different places, 2 CrossFit classes to each, 2 workouts that needed to be done by Chad and I, demolition on a wall in the gym(Thank you, Jeramy!!), 2 windows getting replaced that little people shattered being fixed( Thank you, George!!) and I think that's it.....needless to say, I'm not getting any housework done today.
And to just had a little flavor to the weekend, cause who needs downtime...my car is done and we'll be driving to my parents tomorrow to pick up the car and get a whole lot of cow we bought from a farmer.
And so goes our weekend!! Hope yours are much more relaxed!!
Thankfully, we ease into a schedule like this over years rather then thrown into it so I have convinced myself that it's not a big deal. :/
5 basketball games today at 5 different times in 3 different places, 2 CrossFit classes to each, 2 workouts that needed to be done by Chad and I, demolition on a wall in the gym(Thank you, Jeramy!!), 2 windows getting replaced that little people shattered being fixed( Thank you, George!!) and I think that's it.....needless to say, I'm not getting any housework done today.
And to just had a little flavor to the weekend, cause who needs downtime...my car is done and we'll be driving to my parents tomorrow to pick up the car and get a whole lot of cow we bought from a farmer.
And so goes our weekend!! Hope yours are much more relaxed!!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
On why I CrossFit...
Seeing as today is one of those days where I haven't gotten enough sleep, we have sick kids in the house, I haven't worked out in 2 days and I'm not sure that I'll get to it today, and I have munched on a BBQ chicken pizza all afternoon, it's a good time to remind myself and maybe you, as well, why I CrossFit.
One of the things we're taught about is that we are all on a continuum that can range from sickness to wellness to fitness. Part of the reason I find CrossFit so effective is that I know I am closer to fitness then sickness. What that means is I've created somewhat of a hedge against chronic sickness. Now that does not mean, I never get sick. What it does mean is that on this continuum of health, it will take a disease, a catastrophic injury, or profound and extensive reversal of exercise and nutrition practices to move me past wellness to sickness.
x---------------------------x---------------------------x
sickness wellness fitness
Not the best graph, but you get the idea.
This really helps me remember on days like today when I'm not feeling very "Crossfitty", that all those times I did the workouts when I didn't feel like it, that those mattered to keep moving me towards fitness and health. And today, if I don't get a workout in, that that's ok, too. Missing a day here or there, doesn't throw me into disease and sickness.
Our lives as moms and wives and friends and sisters are busy. Working to move yourself past wellness and towards fitness should be a priority, but it's also important to remember we have a lot of things pulling us different directions and it's a process. You won't become "fit" in a week or undo any work you've done in a few days. Steady wins the race here. We'll all spend a lifetime building that hedge up.
One of the things we're taught about is that we are all on a continuum that can range from sickness to wellness to fitness. Part of the reason I find CrossFit so effective is that I know I am closer to fitness then sickness. What that means is I've created somewhat of a hedge against chronic sickness. Now that does not mean, I never get sick. What it does mean is that on this continuum of health, it will take a disease, a catastrophic injury, or profound and extensive reversal of exercise and nutrition practices to move me past wellness to sickness.
x---------------------------x---------------------------x
sickness wellness fitness
Not the best graph, but you get the idea.
This really helps me remember on days like today when I'm not feeling very "Crossfitty", that all those times I did the workouts when I didn't feel like it, that those mattered to keep moving me towards fitness and health. And today, if I don't get a workout in, that that's ok, too. Missing a day here or there, doesn't throw me into disease and sickness.
Our lives as moms and wives and friends and sisters are busy. Working to move yourself past wellness and towards fitness should be a priority, but it's also important to remember we have a lot of things pulling us different directions and it's a process. You won't become "fit" in a week or undo any work you've done in a few days. Steady wins the race here. We'll all spend a lifetime building that hedge up.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Playing catch up
Always, I'm "catching up."
Catching up on laundry, dishes, sleep(impossible to do), paperwork, blogging, with friends.
I've got to rephrase this. Catching up means I'm behind, which in reality, I'm not really. Being behind suggests there is some standard to keep up with and I'm just not a fan of standards that create guilt.
And so rather than say I'm catching up on the blog, I'll just say I'll inform you of the goings on of the past few days!! Better right?
It's always tough to follow the last post. Where do I go from there?
On, I guess.
A few things on my mind...
Saturday was the 3 year anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti. Images and emotions were tough, especially having been there since the quake. The organization Help One Now that we had helped support through Pure Charity broke ground on the school that day, as well. A beautiful full circle moment for those affected by the earthquake.
I leave for Haiti in 3 weeks. I am excited and a little anxious. This will be a very different trip. No Chad, which will be difficult and very different experiences, as well. We'll be going to a children's hospital, Mother Teresa's Home for the Dying, putting on a VBS for some children in a village and working at a couple orphanages.
It will be a full week with very little communication to and from home. I have to keep telling myself, we're all going to be ok.
Elijah is part of a scholars program at school. As part of this, each student was given an Ipod Touch. Why? I still don't know. One, because Elijah declined his because he said he didn't need it. HUH?? Who does that? And two, because we haven't gotten any information from the school regarding it unless that info only came home with kids who took the Ipod. I asked Elijah what they were suppose to be using it for and he said so they could do research and educational things at home if they needed to. I'd like to know the % of kids that do not have internet access at home, in which this would be a useful tool to have. I'm guessing it's 0%. My other thought is I think it's my decision whether my child gets a device that has internet access. Who is regulating the use of these? I asked Elijah what apps kids had on their Ipod's. NBA Access. Sports apps. Games.
Really? So very educational. I love it that he declined it. He is not moved by the masses. I adore that about him. And I kinda want him to bring it home so I can play with it cause apparently I can get some sweet games on them. :)
I went to Vegas, had a blast, met some awesome people, absorbed a ton of CF info, and PASSED THE TEST! I'm officially a CrossFit Level 1 Trainer. Sounds fancy, huh? It's the only title I've ever had!
And along those lines, this gym thing is rockin'! We're up to 28 members! It's an awesome group to work with and we're loving the community these people are creating with us.
Our car is still in MO. It's become quite the episode. We're getting a totally "new" engine. Used, but new. 44000 miles on it, which is quite the upgrade. What this means is it will hopefully run for years to come. Going on 3 weeks now without it and it's been fine. Thankfully, we've done the 1 car thing for years so it hasn't been too traumatic or inconvenient.
I think that may be it. And now you're informed! :)
Catching up on laundry, dishes, sleep(impossible to do), paperwork, blogging, with friends.
I've got to rephrase this. Catching up means I'm behind, which in reality, I'm not really. Being behind suggests there is some standard to keep up with and I'm just not a fan of standards that create guilt.
And so rather than say I'm catching up on the blog, I'll just say I'll inform you of the goings on of the past few days!! Better right?
It's always tough to follow the last post. Where do I go from there?
On, I guess.
A few things on my mind...
Saturday was the 3 year anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti. Images and emotions were tough, especially having been there since the quake. The organization Help One Now that we had helped support through Pure Charity broke ground on the school that day, as well. A beautiful full circle moment for those affected by the earthquake.
I leave for Haiti in 3 weeks. I am excited and a little anxious. This will be a very different trip. No Chad, which will be difficult and very different experiences, as well. We'll be going to a children's hospital, Mother Teresa's Home for the Dying, putting on a VBS for some children in a village and working at a couple orphanages.
It will be a full week with very little communication to and from home. I have to keep telling myself, we're all going to be ok.
Elijah is part of a scholars program at school. As part of this, each student was given an Ipod Touch. Why? I still don't know. One, because Elijah declined his because he said he didn't need it. HUH?? Who does that? And two, because we haven't gotten any information from the school regarding it unless that info only came home with kids who took the Ipod. I asked Elijah what they were suppose to be using it for and he said so they could do research and educational things at home if they needed to. I'd like to know the % of kids that do not have internet access at home, in which this would be a useful tool to have. I'm guessing it's 0%. My other thought is I think it's my decision whether my child gets a device that has internet access. Who is regulating the use of these? I asked Elijah what apps kids had on their Ipod's. NBA Access. Sports apps. Games.
Really? So very educational. I love it that he declined it. He is not moved by the masses. I adore that about him. And I kinda want him to bring it home so I can play with it cause apparently I can get some sweet games on them. :)
I went to Vegas, had a blast, met some awesome people, absorbed a ton of CF info, and PASSED THE TEST! I'm officially a CrossFit Level 1 Trainer. Sounds fancy, huh? It's the only title I've ever had!
And along those lines, this gym thing is rockin'! We're up to 28 members! It's an awesome group to work with and we're loving the community these people are creating with us.
Our car is still in MO. It's become quite the episode. We're getting a totally "new" engine. Used, but new. 44000 miles on it, which is quite the upgrade. What this means is it will hopefully run for years to come. Going on 3 weeks now without it and it's been fine. Thankfully, we've done the 1 car thing for years so it hasn't been too traumatic or inconvenient.
I think that may be it. And now you're informed! :)
Thursday, January 10, 2013
It's that day.
The one that hurts. Makes me a bit melancholy some years, a sobbing mess others and fiercely introspective others.
This year, I am melancholy. I woke up too early today. 440am. I hurried through the first few hours of the day before I realized what today is.
Ten years go by so fast.
I'm merely a shadow of who I was 10 years ago. The girl who got the call that her little brother had passed on handled it as best she could.
Gut wrenching sadness. Auto-pilot days and nights. Some things felt painfully harsh. The air was colder, the wind stronger. And other things dulled. Colors and sounds.
Today I am sad, but hopeful. Luke provides me with such a perspective. That kind of loss at that time in my life was profound. Life-shaping. World-shifting.
I would gladly trade those life lessons for my baby brother. He always saw the good in things. If he could find the good, surely it's in me to see the good, as well. And so I try, in everything, to find that silver lining however small. It's there, sometimes hidden under pain and loss and sadness and anger.
Look for it. Dig for it. It's worth the effort to find the good.
This year, I am melancholy. I woke up too early today. 440am. I hurried through the first few hours of the day before I realized what today is.
Ten years go by so fast.
I'm merely a shadow of who I was 10 years ago. The girl who got the call that her little brother had passed on handled it as best she could.
Gut wrenching sadness. Auto-pilot days and nights. Some things felt painfully harsh. The air was colder, the wind stronger. And other things dulled. Colors and sounds.
Today I am sad, but hopeful. Luke provides me with such a perspective. That kind of loss at that time in my life was profound. Life-shaping. World-shifting.
I would gladly trade those life lessons for my baby brother. He always saw the good in things. If he could find the good, surely it's in me to see the good, as well. And so I try, in everything, to find that silver lining however small. It's there, sometimes hidden under pain and loss and sadness and anger.
Look for it. Dig for it. It's worth the effort to find the good.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Nerves
Big weekend coming up.
This thing we've taken on called a CrossFit gym has been a total blast so far.
Next step for me is become certified rather than being an "apprentice."
That means a weekend away by myself (YAY!), 2 full days of instruction (YAY!), and a 50 question test. (UGH!)
I don't have a problem with taking tests, per se. It's just that I haven't taken a test in oh, probably a decade. I haven't studied for anything in well over 5 years and I'm just a wee bit nervous about this test.
I know I know what I know and I think I know what I need to know. It's just that little voice inside that says, "maybe you won't pass."
Thankfully, CrossFit carries over even into this. Shocker. I've had to silence many a voices over the years of doing CrossFit. Many, "you can't do that", "it's not worth the effort", "don't bother", "why would you want to". I'll silence this voice like I silence the others by just doing it anyway. Nothing fancy. No big motivational talks. Just, go do it and see how it goes down.
I'm super excited to go learn alongside what I'm sure to be are excellent coaches. I hope what I come back with is helpful to those at our box. And, quite frankly, I hope I don't learn a whole lot cause I've been studying this stuff ALOT!
This thing we've taken on called a CrossFit gym has been a total blast so far.
Next step for me is become certified rather than being an "apprentice."
That means a weekend away by myself (YAY!), 2 full days of instruction (YAY!), and a 50 question test. (UGH!)
I don't have a problem with taking tests, per se. It's just that I haven't taken a test in oh, probably a decade. I haven't studied for anything in well over 5 years and I'm just a wee bit nervous about this test.
I know I know what I know and I think I know what I need to know. It's just that little voice inside that says, "maybe you won't pass."
Thankfully, CrossFit carries over even into this. Shocker. I've had to silence many a voices over the years of doing CrossFit. Many, "you can't do that", "it's not worth the effort", "don't bother", "why would you want to". I'll silence this voice like I silence the others by just doing it anyway. Nothing fancy. No big motivational talks. Just, go do it and see how it goes down.
I'm super excited to go learn alongside what I'm sure to be are excellent coaches. I hope what I come back with is helpful to those at our box. And, quite frankly, I hope I don't learn a whole lot cause I've been studying this stuff ALOT!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A year in review
2012 in bullet points...(if you don't want to reread my 2012, you may want to skip this one!)
*3 year olds are hard to deal with, hilarious to talk to, impossible not to love and mind-boggling obnoxious. Early 2012 was filled with retelling this bit of proof.
*We spent a quick weekend in Frisco to cheer on our favorite people in the FCS Championship game! A few things to remember here.
*February brought a forever change, our first house project and a mishap.
*A trifecta of vision changing books started with Kisses from Katie, then here and finally with an experiment.
*Epic birthday party, dance girl, and our first pet loss...here.
*A "NO WAY!" moment, clarity and a community of love were all pivotal moments in 2012!
*A job change and a much anticipated 4th birthday for THIS GUY!
*3 year olds are hard to deal with, hilarious to talk to, impossible not to love and mind-boggling obnoxious. Early 2012 was filled with retelling this bit of proof.
*We spent a quick weekend in Frisco to cheer on our favorite people in the FCS Championship game! A few things to remember here.
*February brought a forever change, our first house project and a mishap.
*A trifecta of vision changing books started with Kisses from Katie, then here and finally with an experiment.
*Epic birthday party, dance girl, and our first pet loss...here.
*A "NO WAY!" moment, clarity and a community of love were all pivotal moments in 2012!
*A job change and a much anticipated 4th birthday for THIS GUY!
*No football for the first time in 8 years meant a very different fall season for us. But it also allowed us to fulfill a dream.
*Questions were answered, birthday revelations were revealed, and a much needed trip.
What a year!! Many changes for us and lots to look forward to in the coming year!!
Happy New Year!!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Life's an adventure!
We're home. Without our car.
Turns out it's pretty banged up. To the point that the insurance co. needs to go check it out and decide if they want to total it.
So, my parents, in all their gracious kindness, borrowed a van yesterday and hauled our brood 4 hours home only to turn around and drive 4 hours back. Saints, these people.
At every turn of this saga, one of my parents would say with a big grin and a hug, "Life's an adventure."
Never were more true words said.
I've been mulling that over the past day or so. I attribute my "rollin' with it" attitude to them. It is the thing about myself that I may appreciate more then anything else. It has saved me endless stress, I'm sure. And, if I'm honest, it is the one thing that can get pretty annoying too. Sometimes I get tired of rolllin' with it. I'd kinda like to whine and complain and make a big stupid deal about something. And I do occasionally. It feels good to whine...for about 2 seconds.
The conclusion I've come to is that it takes too much energy to whine for very long. I have an extremely limited amount of energy and conservation is what keeps me going...and coffee.
I like this adventure we're living. I'd rather it be a little less adventuresome at times, but most of this crazy we chose so we keep rollin'!
Turns out it's pretty banged up. To the point that the insurance co. needs to go check it out and decide if they want to total it.
So, my parents, in all their gracious kindness, borrowed a van yesterday and hauled our brood 4 hours home only to turn around and drive 4 hours back. Saints, these people.
At every turn of this saga, one of my parents would say with a big grin and a hug, "Life's an adventure."
Never were more true words said.
I've been mulling that over the past day or so. I attribute my "rollin' with it" attitude to them. It is the thing about myself that I may appreciate more then anything else. It has saved me endless stress, I'm sure. And, if I'm honest, it is the one thing that can get pretty annoying too. Sometimes I get tired of rolllin' with it. I'd kinda like to whine and complain and make a big stupid deal about something. And I do occasionally. It feels good to whine...for about 2 seconds.
The conclusion I've come to is that it takes too much energy to whine for very long. I have an extremely limited amount of energy and conservation is what keeps me going...and coffee.
I like this adventure we're living. I'd rather it be a little less adventuresome at times, but most of this crazy we chose so we keep rollin'!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas
As I'm sitting at my parents' this morning, not going to church, without Chad and half our Christmas presents at home, I'm reminded, yet again, that our best laid plans are sometimes interrupted.
The plan was to go home yesterday morning in time to get to the gym and for Chad to get to work on time. Our plans were derailed with an incident involving a deer the evening before. Bambi's mom (sorry!!) decided to jump in front of our car and did what we thought was manageable damage. The next morning, Christmas Eve, we made it about 30 minutes down the road when we concluded we weren't making it home without a mechanic's help. After stalling at the top of an off ramp, pushing the car into a truck stop and some help from the cashiers, we found a mechanic that was actually open on Christmas Eve.
At this point we were still hopeful we would get home that night, as we thought the damage was a coolant line.
Turns out we busted our radiator beyond repair and our car had a rare setup that requires the car to be essentially dismantled in order to replace a radiator. Poor mechanic was so kind. I felt horrible that he was here on Christmas Eve working. He said it would be the evening before he would get it done as the new radiator wouldn't get in til 130. So, mom, dad and Dan came and got us and we headed back to my parents, without our luggage/stuff, thinking we would be back that evening.
Phone call around 130. Wrong radiator came in and now the car wouldn't get fixed til Wednesday morning.
With Chad having to work and a now HEFTY bill for the car, we had to get Chad home. My parents, again, selfless and beyond kind, offered their car for him to take. So he took off for home and the kids and I are here til Wednesday with only our clothes we are wearing, when we'll get the car, pay the bill(ugh), and head home.
With Chad having to work and a now HEFTY bill for the car, we had to get Chad home. My parents, again, selfless and beyond kind, offered their car for him to take. So he took off for home and the kids and I are here til Wednesday with only our clothes we are wearing, when we'll get the car, pay the bill(ugh), and head home.
Now the good parts...we get a few more days at my parents. Never a bad thing. My mom's dear friend down the road heard we were without most of our presents and delivered a bag of gifts for the kids and one for me!! Tears ensued. My sweet friend had given us her camera to give to Autumn when she heard that is what she wanted. I was able to go pick it up and wrap it for her to have here! Being the procrastinator I am, I still had a few things left to get and was able to pick those up so the kids did have a few things to open.
It's easy to throw a pity party, but I can't stay there. I'm bummed we aren't together on Christmas. I'm bummed our "big" present is at home. I'm bummed Chad is at home alone on Christmas, although he'll sleep the day away since he has to work tonight. I'm bummed I didn't think to grab extra clothes so my boys are in PJs til Wednesday and I'm in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt. I'm bummed we aren't in church this morning because I'm too proud to take my kids to church in their PJs(I know! No one would care.)
But really and truly, its ok. Pity parties make me grumpy, anyway. We are warm, loved, and cared for. We are quite literally out of money, but we're safe. We're not together, but it's not the first time, and we'll celebrate on Wednesday. We were blessed beyond measure by friends and family. My kids are super low maintainence at my parents which is a welcome break for this over-worked momma. I'm so very grateful for this day. This unplanned, interrupted, not what I expected Christmas day.
Merry Christmas!!
Merry Christmas!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Evil
It's several days now since Sandy Hook Elementary was shot up by a lone gunman. It's what every one is talking about. Every news outlet leads with a story about this town in Connecticut that I'm sure I would have never heard of had this not happened. Newtown.
Everyone seems to have an opinion, a thought, a prayer, a solution, or a reason. I have nothing. Literally nothing, but what I heard said in a news story that "evil visited" that school that day. That resonated with me as the only thing. The only opinion, thought, prayer or reason that could for one second make sense of the senseless.
We as a society don't do well with things that don't make sense.
We want things to fit together nicely. Nothing about shooting 20 kindergarteners and 6 adults can be understood. Evil. Pure evil in the shape of a 20 year old boy with a crazed mind. There is no comfort in that.
I think of those babies and the adults who tried to stand in his way, how that community is shattered. I think about the gunman's family and how they must have struggled with him throughout his life. I think about my babies and how I quite literally can't protect them from evil on my own. And, there can be no comfort outside of Jesus in this mess. I can't logically understand how God could allow this to happen. I can't in good faith provide any sort of reason or opinion on why those children and adults were killed. All I know is that when tragedy beyond understanding comes upon us, we can only find peace that passes understanding in Christ. It's not easy. It's not logical. And it does not fit nicely with the emotions of 26 senseless murders, but it is the only place I feel safe.
Everyone seems to have an opinion, a thought, a prayer, a solution, or a reason. I have nothing. Literally nothing, but what I heard said in a news story that "evil visited" that school that day. That resonated with me as the only thing. The only opinion, thought, prayer or reason that could for one second make sense of the senseless.
We as a society don't do well with things that don't make sense.
We want things to fit together nicely. Nothing about shooting 20 kindergarteners and 6 adults can be understood. Evil. Pure evil in the shape of a 20 year old boy with a crazed mind. There is no comfort in that.
I think of those babies and the adults who tried to stand in his way, how that community is shattered. I think about the gunman's family and how they must have struggled with him throughout his life. I think about my babies and how I quite literally can't protect them from evil on my own. And, there can be no comfort outside of Jesus in this mess. I can't logically understand how God could allow this to happen. I can't in good faith provide any sort of reason or opinion on why those children and adults were killed. All I know is that when tragedy beyond understanding comes upon us, we can only find peace that passes understanding in Christ. It's not easy. It's not logical. And it does not fit nicely with the emotions of 26 senseless murders, but it is the only place I feel safe.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Willpower
I am seriously trying to use willpower to keep myself from getting horribly sick and I think I'm failing.
There are horror stories going around town about the kind of nastiness that is sweeping through the schools. Only 6 out of 21 kids in a class one day. Violent vomiting. Influenza A and B.
Caleb was sick for about 2 days this past week and he likes to get up close and personal when he's feeling puny. I'm sure if there were germs that wanted me to be sick, I've got 'em.
I'm right on that line of getting nasty sick and just moderately but still functioning sick.
I will not get sick. I will not get sick. I will not get sick.
Who has time to get sick?? Not me!!
So I will drink my tea, go to sleep and pray I feel semi-normal in the morning.
There are horror stories going around town about the kind of nastiness that is sweeping through the schools. Only 6 out of 21 kids in a class one day. Violent vomiting. Influenza A and B.
Caleb was sick for about 2 days this past week and he likes to get up close and personal when he's feeling puny. I'm sure if there were germs that wanted me to be sick, I've got 'em.
I'm right on that line of getting nasty sick and just moderately but still functioning sick.
I will not get sick. I will not get sick. I will not get sick.
Who has time to get sick?? Not me!!
So I will drink my tea, go to sleep and pray I feel semi-normal in the morning.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Gym Rat
The majority of my childhood/teen years were spent in a gym. Basketball gym. My dad always coached and I played or my brothers played or sister played. We were in the gym ALOT.
I loved it. To this day walking into my old high school gym floods me with good, happy emotions. I love the sounds of sneakers squeaking on the gym floor, shouts and hollers echoing off the walls, the smell of the waxed floors.
This adventure of starting a CrossFit gym is beginning to conjure up those same feelings and connections. Our first week has been really incredible. We super love our initial groupies and are excited about our newbies starting!
I find myself wanting to go down the street to the gym. Where I use to grab a ball and shoot around at the basketball gym, now I sit on the rower for a few 100 meters, do a few pull-ups, and work on some Olympic lifts. I love hearing the door open and our people coming in for their wod. I love hearing them joke and chat together as they get warmed up. I love coaching.
I am certain that may wane some as time goes on...or maybe it won't. We're still honeymooning right now :) What I am sure about is we're really happy we ventured down this path. And I super like being a gym rat again.
I loved it. To this day walking into my old high school gym floods me with good, happy emotions. I love the sounds of sneakers squeaking on the gym floor, shouts and hollers echoing off the walls, the smell of the waxed floors.
This adventure of starting a CrossFit gym is beginning to conjure up those same feelings and connections. Our first week has been really incredible. We super love our initial groupies and are excited about our newbies starting!
I find myself wanting to go down the street to the gym. Where I use to grab a ball and shoot around at the basketball gym, now I sit on the rower for a few 100 meters, do a few pull-ups, and work on some Olympic lifts. I love hearing the door open and our people coming in for their wod. I love hearing them joke and chat together as they get warmed up. I love coaching.
I am certain that may wane some as time goes on...or maybe it won't. We're still honeymooning right now :) What I am sure about is we're really happy we ventured down this path. And I super like being a gym rat again.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Mystery solved
So when he decided to tell me this morning that he was our anonymous donor, I really was not surprised. It is just something he would do. The reason he told me was because he wanted me to know that he really does care for our family and he and his wife had done this every Christmas and he was so happy to do it.
So I did get to cry and thank this sweet man who really not only made our Christmas season extra special, but I told him where some of that money went so he knew that his generosity affected children and families he has never known!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Anonymous
I honestly do not know why some people do some things. Good things, bad things, nothings.
We have been the recipients of many a good things.
Yesterday, I stepped out on the porch to grab the mail, sat on the couch and opened a few Christmas cards (Seriously, people?? It's the first week of Dec. How do you get these done?? Never, not once have I done Christmas cards. It's sad.)
Anyway, one did not have a return address and the card had a cute German shepherd in the snow on the front...and 6 $100 dollar bills in it!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even kidding. WHO does THAT????????
I'm still in shock and honestly humbled beyond words. We knowingly stretched ourselves tight this year with opening a business, but this kindness goes beyond our needs! I immediately put that $ in the bank and sent a good chunk to where our heart is, House of Love and Hope in Haiti.
What a ripple affect this person created?? I hate that I can't hug this person and cry and tell them thank you. That is what my heart wants, but with an anonymous gifts, I'm out of luck. So I will be keeping my eyes and ears open to "re-gift" some of this kindness shown to us!! :-)
Merry Christmas!!
We have been the recipients of many a good things.
Yesterday, I stepped out on the porch to grab the mail, sat on the couch and opened a few Christmas cards (Seriously, people?? It's the first week of Dec. How do you get these done?? Never, not once have I done Christmas cards. It's sad.)
Anyway, one did not have a return address and the card had a cute German shepherd in the snow on the front...and 6 $100 dollar bills in it!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even kidding. WHO does THAT????????
I'm still in shock and honestly humbled beyond words. We knowingly stretched ourselves tight this year with opening a business, but this kindness goes beyond our needs! I immediately put that $ in the bank and sent a good chunk to where our heart is, House of Love and Hope in Haiti.
What a ripple affect this person created?? I hate that I can't hug this person and cry and tell them thank you. That is what my heart wants, but with an anonymous gifts, I'm out of luck. So I will be keeping my eyes and ears open to "re-gift" some of this kindness shown to us!! :-)
Merry Christmas!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Confession
Hi, my name is Sarah and I am not a morning person. Basically anything before 7:00 a.m. hurts. Sometimes really badly.
Maybe if I got up at that time enough, I would become a morning person, you say? Nope. I have had my share of mornings to test this out.
Most recently, I have tested this theory out as we offer a 6:15 a.m. class at CrossFit Pathos and with Chad at work at that time some days and our friend/fellow trainer, Anna, in a different town, that means little non-morning person me will teach some of those times. Chad was laughing at me this morning as he left for work and I dragged myself to the bathroom at 5:20 a.m. I was a sorry sight.
Really and truly, it's fine. I can fake being happy to be up before the sun. And if I'm going to get up that early there are worse things to get up for then something I truly enjoy like coaching CrossFit.
I am just one of those people that believe not much should take place before noon. Very few things actually. Getting out of bed before noon is probably good. Eating breakfast before noon, also beneficial. Um, I can't really think of anything else.
And so in the hopes of "being real." I just wanted to get that out there. Those of you who know me already know this, but still. It's valuable information to repeat.
My name is Sarah and I am not a morning person.
Maybe if I got up at that time enough, I would become a morning person, you say? Nope. I have had my share of mornings to test this out.
Most recently, I have tested this theory out as we offer a 6:15 a.m. class at CrossFit Pathos and with Chad at work at that time some days and our friend/fellow trainer, Anna, in a different town, that means little non-morning person me will teach some of those times. Chad was laughing at me this morning as he left for work and I dragged myself to the bathroom at 5:20 a.m. I was a sorry sight.
Really and truly, it's fine. I can fake being happy to be up before the sun. And if I'm going to get up that early there are worse things to get up for then something I truly enjoy like coaching CrossFit.
I am just one of those people that believe not much should take place before noon. Very few things actually. Getting out of bed before noon is probably good. Eating breakfast before noon, also beneficial. Um, I can't really think of anything else.
And so in the hopes of "being real." I just wanted to get that out there. Those of you who know me already know this, but still. It's valuable information to repeat.
My name is Sarah and I am not a morning person.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Blood, sweat and tears
Starting a business is no easy task. I knew that heading into the beast, but it really has gone smoothly. A few hiccups here and there, but nothing major.
I was in tears on Tuesday due to computer issues that were holding up the single document that would allow us to sign our lease and move forward. It was a painful reminder of how dependent we are on technology!
This weekend we literally poured blood and sweat into getting the building ready for Monday. My hands are pretty banged up from mishaps with tools or dragging rubber flooring, but I was very glad for my already calloused hands!
And I can honestly say our CrossFit training played right into the set up of the gym! Functional training usage at its best!!
We spent the large majority of our time cleaning, prepping, planning, cleaning, setting up, cleaning, organizing, and did I mention cleaning??
This place was D.I.R.T.Y! Dirt and grime, dust and debris.
We were covered in filth the first day and a little less filth the second day. We're hoping with a few more spray downs, mop ups, and more flooring down the road, we'll be able to keep it relatively neat.
We are so ready to get this going and hope that our gym is an integral part of this community for a LONG time!
I was in tears on Tuesday due to computer issues that were holding up the single document that would allow us to sign our lease and move forward. It was a painful reminder of how dependent we are on technology!
This weekend we literally poured blood and sweat into getting the building ready for Monday. My hands are pretty banged up from mishaps with tools or dragging rubber flooring, but I was very glad for my already calloused hands!
And I can honestly say our CrossFit training played right into the set up of the gym! Functional training usage at its best!!
We spent the large majority of our time cleaning, prepping, planning, cleaning, setting up, cleaning, organizing, and did I mention cleaning??
This place was D.I.R.T.Y! Dirt and grime, dust and debris.
We were covered in filth the first day and a little less filth the second day. We're hoping with a few more spray downs, mop ups, and more flooring down the road, we'll be able to keep it relatively neat.
We are so ready to get this going and hope that our gym is an integral part of this community for a LONG time!
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